I'm exhausted. I'm an only child and always had a strained relationship with my dad (age 77-years). There has been a lot of physical and verbal domestic violence. My mom (age 67-years) acted as a buffer between us. She had a stroke in July 2019, and in October 2019 needed a hip pinning after a fall. Physical and occupational therapy have said they don’t see a limit to her recovery; its just dependent on her. But I see my dad as holding her recovery back; he puts limitations on what she can do every day and keeps her mostly on the sofa or in a wheelchair. She is completely dependent on us to help her with her daily activities. So when I’m not at work, I’m helping her. This requires me to spend every day around him. I've had to start therapy because of the verbal abuse from him. I’ve learned through therapy to put a name on his behaviors: gaslighting and intimidation. So on top of my mom's strained recovery, I'm dealing with his constant anger and rage-filled outbursts towards me. I don't know how much more I can handle, but feel like I can't just disappear because there is no one else to help. During the weekday, my dad has a caregiver M-F 8am-3pm with him. But if I'm not at work, he demands all my time be taking care of her. So my evenings and my entire weekend are spent with her. Although he disappears for hours to take breaks and go on shopping sprees. If I try to run a personal errand like getting my tires rotated, he goes on to say I'm selfish and don't care if my mom dies. My self-worth has taken a nose-dive, and when I've brought it up he answers that its not his problem; that I'm too overly sensitive, and that he really just doesn't care. For example, he started throwing my mom's used pull-ups on my car in the garage instead of taking them out to the trash. That's the level of respect he has for me, but again, I'm being too sensitive. I'm at a loss. How do I continue to provide care for her, when I feel like I’m in an emotional war zone?
You don’t deserve any of this. I am glad he has a caregiver for part of the time while you are at work. You need time to yourself outside of work as well. You don’t even have to tell him this.
Don’t feed your father ammunition to attack you with. Just take the time needed for your tire rotations, etc.
Of course, he is holding your mom back. He’s trying to hold you back too. Push back. Do it matter of factly. He doesn’t need to see that he pushed your buttons. He may be getting satisfaction from hitting a nerve.
Soiled undergarments thrown in your direction is absolutely insane! Unacceptable. That type of behavior is degrading. I would be appalled if that happened to me. You have every right to be disgusted, perplexed and even angry. APS may indeed be a route to possibly explore.
Continue in therapy. It helps to have a sounding board for your thoughts.
How long have your mom and dad been married? She has been conditioned by his behavior. So heartbreaking.
I don’t see how you can continue in this pattern and expect a harmonious relationship. Have you spoken to Council on Aging for additional help or perhaps a social worker for suggestions?
I hope you will find a positive solution to your dilemma very soon. Take care.
Second, this is not a healthy situation for Mum either, have you considered reporting Dad's behaviour to APS?
Third, you are not required to give up your life. I am not sure if you are living with your parents, but if you are, move out.
Fourth, set boundaries. Yes, i know you love your Mum, but you need to save yourself. You need to discuss with your therapist, how to go about setting them, but here are some tips.
Decide how much time you can give to Mum for her care and tell her your schedule. Mum, I can stop by on Tuesday and Thursday after work for 3 hours and I will be with you on Sunday for 4 hours. You are there for Mum, not Dad.
As soon as there is any abuse from Dad you leave. Do not discuss it with him, just pick up your things and walk away. Say good bye to Mum and remind her when your next scheduled visit is.
If Dad ever gets physical, call 911 immediately, but also as you are walking out the door. Tell 911, about the abuse and that there is a vulnerable adult in the home that you are worried about.
The dirty depends on your car is disgusting and a sign that Dad is unhinged. Park your car elsewhere.