My dad completely renovated their kitchen after 50 yrs, new colors, new cabinets, new floors etc. During the renovations, my mother who has middle stage Alz, called to tell me she had moved to a new house. A few days later she didn't recognize my father and called to tell me my father had left but a "nice man" had moved in and was taking care of her! I think the new kitchen has confused her. Now my father has renovated the bathroom, changed out rugs for wooden flooring and is continuing to change the house. He won't listen that this is really confusing to my mom. Am I wrong to try to get him to stop? Or should I just let him do what he wants, after all it is their house.
Perhaps he realizes that he will eventually need to sell the house and he's more likely to get his money out of it if it's updated. He obviously needs something to do, and at least this is productive.
If this starts to truly agitate your mother, he may have to let the remodeling go for awhile. If your mom just thinks is new but isn't overly bothered, maybe it's not doing too much harm (it can’t be positive but what is perfect?).
The downward spiral for your mom is going to happen no matter what is done or not done. Yes, this could be hastening her decline. However, two people's lives need to be considered.
I wish there were a clear answer, but with most things concerning dementia, every day is different and every person is different. I'd talk with your dad and ask him to watch for agitation and anxiety. If the remodeling isn't pushing your mother over the edge in that way, then - considering that this is likely good for your dad - maybe it's as okay as things can be.
You're are good person to be considering both of them and not blaming your dad You are right. It's their house and that means his as well as your moms.
Take care of yourself and try to keep balanced. We are with you.
Carol
But I understand your concern about your Mom and how changes can confuse her. I don't really think a new kitchen had her think she was in a new house... it sounds more like it was the Alzheimer's next path. Otherwise she would have recognized her husband as he was still the same person.
This could also be a coping mechanism for your Dad to keep himself busy. It's sad as for couples where one partner had memory issues, this isn't the retirement they had planned.
Perhaps there is no "ideal" answer.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Men rarely share their true feelings especially with close family members so i would leave him be and wait for openings when he feels ready to talk. he may also be in a bargaining stage where he feels if he makes the environment perfect Mom will get better. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and he is taking care and keeping himself occupied rather than sitting on the sofa in front of the TV feeling sorry for himself
Even if keeping everything the same were proven to be ideal, we do not live in an ideal world. We may need to send our loved ones to a day program, so they spend part of their day in one environment and part in another. And for the sake of others in the household we may need/want to put up holiday decorations, changing the environment and then changing it back again. We may need to update plumbing. Our loved ones may need to go to a care center.
My mother's nursing home always puts up seasonal decorations. Right now they have huge cheerful flowers that some residents made in craft sessions. Providing things new and different to look at can be positive stimulation.
Just saying the persons with dementia don't do well with change does not create a world in which change doesn't happen.
NJCinderella, I'd also suggest that you consider the needs of both of your parents. Your father's need/desire to make these changes is no less valid than your mother's concerns, even if she is the one with diagnosed impairments. It sounds like Mother is making sense of this change in her own way.
And if you could determine, somehow, that the progression of the disease was caused or triggered by the changes to the house, what then?
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