My dad has Alzheimer/dementia but is still in the mildish stage as he knows who he is but can't really take care of himself properly. He is 86 and his girlfriend is 66. She has convinced him that my siblings and I want to put him in a nursing home and have visited his attorney so we can steal his money. She also convinced him to alter his estate naming her as his POA, medical POA, etc. She also invests a very large sum of his money with the insurance company she works for. We were able to get a family friend to intercede in regards to the control of his estate which is now being overseen by his attorney, the family friend, and his banker, but she still retains medical POA and tries to hide the fact that he has alzheimers by isolating him from friends and family. We are barely allowed to visit him. My question is: what are our rights as his children? How can we protect him and take care of him when we are blocked by her at every turn?
Why is all of this important when the estate is no longer under threat? Because we love our dad and we have always been very close and it feels wrong and crazy not to be able to help and take care of him.
If nothing else, I have found your response and the previous poster's response comforting. I think I am just trying to wiggle my way into understanding there is nothing to be done and that I've already done the best I could.
I was at a conference recently on caregiving for dementia patients. One of the speakers said the hardest family situations are with late-life marriages. The marriage may have occurred after the children were out of the nest, and there may not have been enough time/circumstances for acceptance, trust, and bonding to occur with the step parent. Instead there is suspicion and proprietary conflicts. Very tough, and very sad!
Now that the estate has been removed from her control, what is your major concern? Realize that there are many different styles and opinions on how to best care for someone with dementia. Do you think her approach is abusive? Harmful?
Try to remember that this person is the woman your father loved enough to choose as his life mate. Ideally you would work together with her in the best interests of your father, even if you don't particularly like each other. Have you offered to help her? To spend a few evenings with him so she can have some respite? To invite him to your place for a weekend? To bring over a hotdish or a pie once in a while?
I guess my perspective is a little different. I am 66. My husband is 86. It is a second marriage for both of us. We have 5 children from our first marriages. I have both POA and Medical Proxy. There is absolutely no question that I am where that responsibility should be. But we have the huge advantage that we had been married thirty years before he developed dementia. There is no resentment or jealousy or territorial conflict in our picture. All of the kids are grateful that I am taking such good care of their father/stepfather.
Maybe you'll never reach a cordial, loving relationship with your father's wife, but for his sake, I hope you can develop a civil one. The way to "unbrainwash" both of them may be to reach out a helping hand.
You are in a tough situation. I wish you all the best in dealing with it creatively.
I had a POA and Health Care Proxy done while my parents were competent; so I believe if you were never appointed to either of these by your Dad before the onset of Alz/dementia you probably don't have any rights even as his children. Again, lawyer is best for this advice. Wishing you luck. Take care.