My 91-year-old Mom wants me to get out all her Christmas decorations this year. She thinks she can decorate but I know better as I can't even get her to pay her bills and she won't give them to me. I know if I do this we will still have decorations strewn around the living room, and not put up, all the way to Christmas Day. She wants to have my brother's family over this year for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day. I know all the cleaning, decorating, cooking and clean-up is going to fall on me and I am really stressed.
She knows how I feel but still wants to go through with it. Do I put my foot down and tell her I will do some decorating but I will not get all her stuff out. I live with her and have many of my own decorations and would be happy to put a lot of them up. Or, do I do as she says and feel the stress of looking at a mess that she is unable to handle? I know this could be her last Christmas but I want it to be an enjoyable time for me too and I am so anxious about this. My brother will be doing Thanksgiving so I am grateful for that. His family is a help with cooking but not Christmas decorations and cleaning at my house.
The caregiving arrangement has to work for both parties. Sounds like it is not working for you rirght now. I strongly recommend getting her tested so you know what you're dealing with. I learned a lot by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. There are ways to interact with our LOs with dementia to make everyday engagement more peaceful and productive. She can't help having dementia. You need to alter your strategy and perceptions so that you don't burn out.
When my MIL was in decline, I arrranged a special decorating day with her and her grandkids. I put on Christmas music and made cookies for them (or they made "easy" cookies together). You don't have to get her "buy in" for plans -- do what is the least stressful for you. There are no wrong answers.
If everyone wants to help with the holiday decorating, the cooking, and the cleaning, then pull out all the decorations and do it up. Not if they don't though.
Tell your mother these EXACT words as kindly as you can:
'Mom, I think it's a great idea that we should decorate for Christmas and celebrate. I know you can't do it yourself and I'll help. I can't get out all the decorations or do all the cleaning up, but I'll certainly help'.
Then stick to your word. Don't let her guilt or scapegoat you into become a seasonal slave to her dream Christmas. If she can't respect your boundaries then don't do anything for the holiday.
My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then as I got older the holidays were basically me driving myself into exhaustion doing everything while at the same time making it look like she was doing it.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had.
You live with your mother and plan on being her caregiver until you can't. The house is in her name, your name, and your brother's name. You didn't want your mother's money to be used for her care.
Any updates on all that? Has your mother's health declined in the past 11 months?
I'm also curious -- did you give up a job to be your mother's caregiver? You weren't being compensated to be her caregiver, because that was a bit "cold," you thought.
Yet your brother didn't give up anything, did he?
Just because you have the time that doesn't mean that you have become holiday slave and exhaust yourself.
I remember some years back I took an injury from an accident. I couldn't work for a while. We had plently of money so I didn't have to hurry back to work. My husband and son were happy and so was I.
But... when there's a woman at home somewhere who isn't going to a job every day, people will think they're entitled to her time and labor.
Then started coming in the requests from the family. There's always some extended family with a needy elder that the immediate family doesn't want to deal with or someone always needs childcare. They always "prefer" family. Of course, because family is expected to be free or next to.
Oh, H*LL to the NO on that.
Many times the woman who doesn't work thinks she has to justify herself for not working like you're doing here. You not working and not wanting to do the work of ten people for the holidays is not being selfish. Don't guilt-trip yourself. Do the holiday low-key and low fuss. You can still make it nice.
If there's any complaints because your mother, brother, and his in-laws were expecting Christmas at Windsor Castle well tell them they can give King Charles a call next year ans see if he'll have them.
Go out for lunch.
Pay for cleaning help. A lot of companies will do a one day.
Make a few dishes only if you want but order from a restaurant or grocery already cooked.
Scale way down to what you feel up to. Use paper everything this year. No one can do the huge holidays that we used to.
Mom will get over it.
Your mother did the absolute minumum for holidays when it mattered. That time was when her family was young.
She's lucky you do anything. Everybody wants the big grand holidays only when they don't have to do them. When it was mom's time to do the holidays she did very little. Mine too.
You have a brother who 'won't get over it' if you don't do things precisely HIS way. Then I suggest you all go over to HIS house where he can do things precisely the way he wants to, and that ends your obligation to bend over backwards to accommodate his desires. If, btw, he works full time, he certainly DOES 'have the money' to buy 'catered' food such as pre made mashed potatoes which does not constitute 'catered food' but pre made foods we ALL buy at the grocery store so that nobody is slaving over the sink peeling potatoes for 2 hours or a hot stove boiling them. #Truth. You're not 'stuck' doing anything you don't choose to do willingly. If you don't want to do something, decline politely. And whoever doesn't 'get over' will still live through it, I guarantee you that.
Insofar as your mother's wishes go, the woman has dementia. Her wishes will change on a dime (trust me on that), so now, she's no longer in charge of making decisions, YOU are. That includes paying her bills if she would like your continued help in living with her, etc. Which also includes putting up Christmas decorations. That's up to you, and should not have anything to do with 'guilt' regarding how much spare time you have, but what you WANT to do. You don't need an 'excuse' not to do your mother's version of decorating, nor should you feel the need to call yourself 'selfish' for not wanting the stress of The Holidays when you've already taken on the huge stressful burden of moving in with your mother. Whoever doesn't understand that stressful burden has never lived with their elderly, dementia-stricken mother before. #Truth again.
Whatever you decide to do here, should be YOUR decision and yours alone. Whoever doesn't agree with you doesn't have to; it's not necessary that an entire family be in 100% agreement with one another over 'holiday festivities' and how they're carried out. Christmas is Jesus's birthdate and something tells me, He doesn't care if the potatoes are boiled on the stove, purchased in a carton at Safeway, or skipped altogether for a PB&J sandwich at the kitchen table. We get so busy with the details of making the festivities perfect, that we forget the reason for the season in the first place.
Best of luck.
Made me smile. Thanks! Haven’t smiled in about 3 months. (Good thing there’s no Smile police.) (Arrested for not smiling).
I called my Mom yesterday eve. 1st thing she says is "I have a list with 14 items on it." Shook me at 1st. She doesn't cook. Hates shopping. Never did Holidays well. I told her I have a list & that I'm in the midst of trying to sell my Listing, but to relax-that I have it all taken care of. Told her she could think on the one easy dessert she makes. She said she doesn't think she remembers how. Told her no prob.. I feel for my Mom wanting some holiday cheer & wanting to feel a part of creating, but I realized last year: she sits and watches me do all. Sooooo, I do what works for me. Told her she can help us set the table (it's full of mail piles to the sky right now) .. She won't. It's a lot of worrying & talk on her part. I also tell her I focus on the days in front of me.. the holiday days are a blip. Enjoy every day of the season.. Tried to drive her to see lights last year & she screamed. Scratch that idea..
I make sides the night before going to her place to do T'Giving for 5 hrs on the Tues the 22nd. She complains not the actual day.. I don't care. I bring up sides & pick up an already cooked slab ;-) of Turkey from Whole Foods 30 mins from her house. I do a few sides & rolls. Next visit up on the 4th, I will take her to get a tree which I will decorate for her (like last year). She never did Holidays well when I was a kid. I hang a strange array of ornaments from a box she has. Flip side, I do it up for my Kids.. Love decorating. I do Holidays at my place with my Kids on actual days.. Sorry, not sorry. Proud of myself for sticking to this! I tell her they have other Int'l relatives in town and I am not driving on the days themselves and I like to be alone much of the day (which isn't true, but easiest ways for me to stick to game plan that works for me, and my Kids.. Tell her it's the Holiday season not a 9-5 job with only 1 way to go about it.. Like it or lump it. I don't care!!! Sooo happy I stuck to this last Holiday season, 1st season with my Dad at the Board & Care...(he passed Jan 1.)
EPIC remarks from "BurntCaregiver"-- speaks the truth & keeps me laughing... Bahahaha. I will be sharing this with my Jewish Stepsister. She will LOVEEE:
"Oh, H*LL to the NO on that. Don't guilt-trip yourself. Do the holiday low-key and low fuss. You can still make it nice.
If there's any complaints because your mother, brother, and his in-laws were expecting Christmas at Windsor Castle well tell them they can give King Charles a call next year and see if he'll have them."
AND: "My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had."
It really was the best "Christmas" I ever had. It certainly was.
If you broke your leg and couldn’t cook, they would all “get over it”.
If you broke both arms, and couldn’t decorate, they would all “get over it”.
And this year, if you read the above, say “I can’t POSSIBLY do that.”,
they will all “get over it”.
Haven't done that... yet..
I just loved ALL of it (stressful but happy) when the kids were young. I decorated, had a theme, got them involved. I hope these fond memories are still there for them..
For me they are overridden by the F.O.G. stress of more recent years.
A year came with a wonderful sounding plan of 'it would be great to all get together - family helps family etc' but this uncovered some Magical Thinking & Big Expectations: for me to pay & provide - for all - for all time..
I don't regret it. It was all learning. How to speak up. Communicate. Strike a fairer balance going forward.
Now, we have found compromises that seem to work more or less ok for all. Had to accept some things have passed, some traditions brought more burden than joy. To let those go.
Hope everyone on this thread can also find their compromises 😊
More hands make setting up and decorating a tree a lot less work and a lot more fun. Maybe it could be done as part of the Christmas Eve family get-together, where everybody can reminisce about ornaments and things that have happened in Christmases past. Let the family bring some Christmas snacks and supplement them with a few of your own (we always have eggnog, sparkling grape juice, fruit cake, mixed nuts, candy, summer sausage, cheese log and crackers... not at all healthy, but it's just once a year...). Forget a full dinner; you'll have had a great one at Thanksgiving, for which you can wholeheartedly express your appreciation. Pull out some old photo albums from when you were kids at Christmas. Give your mom a chance to laugh and hear your memories. And on Christmas day, maybe just make it a couple of hours. If your mom does a lot of daytime sleeping, that may be enough for her anyway... She'll have her decorated tree and family, and you'll have minimal cleanup afterwards.
(Our Christmas tree has actually been up for three years running now, because my Dad so enjoyed seeing it every day and didn't want it taken down after his and Mom's first Christmas living here. The ornaments are very dusty now, and there are probably some cobwebs between the branches that we purposely don't look for; but now we don't have to deal with tree decorating and then repacking all the ornaments and taking down the tree every year. It's worked out very well; and the hospice people seem to enjoy seeing it when they come, after the shock of seeing it on their first visit to our house!)
It's the love that ends up being what matters, more than holding on to traditions that are too hard to maintain.
At this point, we selectively clean the house when my siblings are going to be here - the kitchen, living room, and master bedroom/bathroom used by my mom. There's no other part of the house they really need to see, since her mobility is limited, and those areas are where she'll be, when they come to visit. An immaculate house doesn't make a holiday, anyway. My mother-in-law loved outdoor work but never cared for housecleaning - and I never felt more at home anywhere else than in her dusty, cluttered house with grandkids' food crumbs all over the kitchen and living room floors, because the house was so full of kindness, gentleness, and love.
When your brother and sister-in-law have Thanksgiving at their house, they do what they want and you work with them to help that happen. When Christmas is at your house, you have the same prerogative to call the shots, in a loving way.
Every family is different, and as you said, you will do the best you can; so these suggestions may not work for you at all. I just hope the holiday will be enjoyable for you as well as the rest of the family, and that when it's over, you have memories to treasure - and some energy to spare.
If she "works with them" to make their dream Thanksgiving, then they might have her doing most of it.
And they clearly aren't willing to "work with" her when she's forced to have Christmas at her house.
Seems like everyone expects her brother to be off the hook, yet she is the one who is doing nearly all of the work because she lives with their mother. Brother should take care of ALL holidays, as far as I'm concerned.
Tell us, OP....do your brother and wife go on vacations? Travel? Do YOU get to do these things, or are you a 24/7/365 caregiving slave?
It IS very stressful to do holidays. I just like it less and less. Except for the grandkids and kids coming over - that I love!
Symbolism.
Take control. Limited decorations that are easy to put up. Maybe some Christmas cookies and eggnog without the spiking.
Recently my nearly fully bedridden FIL decided he wanted a doorbell camera. Without talking to anyone - he called his internet provider and ordered theirs - after they had already assessed his home and told him that the one they had wouldn't work for him. (he has an older "intercom" doorbell in a really bad spot off on the side - in the worst possible spot for a doorbell camera, for their model to work it would need to be wired, pulled through drywall, placed in a better spot, would require an electrician- it's just a lot of work - he literally ignored all of that). FIL decided that HE would do it. I don't mean that he decided that WE would - I mean that he decided that HE would. He can't sit or stand for long periods of time, he has tremors in both hands, he is legally blind, he can't drive to get supplies, he certainly can't climb ladders or drill into drywall.
We KNEW there was no way that he could do this. And we didn't want to do all of the work involved -including the expense of hiring an electrician when we could literally just get another battery operated model that would do exactly the same thing and put it where it needs to be with no damage to the house. Right now we are in an old fashioned stand off. We have given him his options. He can call them and request to return the camera and we will help him order the right kind. Or he can have the camera he insisted on ordering sit on his desk because we aren't participating in the crazy idea to install it. And without our participation he can't make it happen.
We aren't trying to be cruel. We just know that to make his "dream" happen - it means that WE are going to be doing the work to make it happen. And there is literally no benefit to it.
Is it possible that you can give her a few decorations to set out and she would be happy with that? Tell her that you don't want ALL of the decorations out this year because you are going minimal? Give her enough to decorate her space without impeding her space or making it hazardous to her? Or would a small compromise just make things worse? (It would in our case that's why I ask lol).
Unfortunately there are going to be times where you do just have to pick a "hill to die on" and put your foot down because you have a right to less anxiety. The holidays are already stressful enough.
You say "she knows how I feel but still wants to go through with it". Famous last words....not to generalize but I find they always do....because frequently they either want to be able to help and don't know their own limitations or they don't think they have any limitations, or in our case....they literally never do anything but then when they get a "bright idea" they think they get all of their ability back in one fell swoop just because they want to and don't recognize that they have lost their energy and strength and don't recognize that they will literally leave the work to someone else.
I feel like this would be more you drag everything out and then she sits in a chair and tells you where to put everything! And that sounds exhausting!
Sorry about your FIL. I think getting older and unable to do things is harder on men.
Your mother is the host I would suggest she plan her Christmas Dinner, she can order the food through Instacart, get her decorations up and be ready to head up the kitchen cleanup. She can hire people to assist her with this dinner and cleanup.
Might be time to set some boundaries and not indulge in her fantasies of what was. Life is about change, change the formula so that everyone can enjoy the day, not just her.
" I think I need to try and change my attitude and that will help me through this."
Change your attitude how? To simply accept that you are the Christmas slave?
But it sounds as if that is what you will do. I don't think you will be able to hold to your "if it's not up by Dec 15 it's not going up" boundary.
I so wish it could be otherwise for you!
My idea: Back in the year 1997, I was still working and wasn't feeling well at the time. My mother was 77 and no longer able to decorate a tree without assistance, so I talked us into something much simpler with a poinsettia plant on the end table. The only decorations were an ornament on our front door and one or two tree ornaments hanging on hooks. I don't remember the food, but we kept it very simple, and my brother brought some in as potluck style to enjoy. We sent and received holiday cards and had presents as usual. We celebrated with my brother who visited our place on Christmas Eve.
Is it possible that if you picked up a pretty wreath, bouquet,, whatever and put it somewhere prominent that she might be distracted and satisfied? Same with the meal plans, as others suggested a simple get together one time, presents and dessert? And a simple potluck meal the next. She is remembering a feeling that she wants to reexperience. These might do the trick, not all the stagecraft and gourmandaise. People around her, a little music?, a few decorations, maybe a beautifully wrapped but simple present? Just tell her that you are doing a really nice Christmas, and if you and all are cheerful, it will be.
as to the meal- pot kick or order from a Bob Evans etc and brother picks it up.
How aware is she? If she sees some decor out and you say that is all the decor she had would she accept that or does she know every piece?
i understand to her - the holiday routine is comforting.
but try to pare it down, brother shouldn’t expect a fancy party. Pick up pre-made food.
95 years old, and requesting all her old decorations out and, family present should be applauded, honored. You will be glad that you did what she wants. She is doing a part of " life review" looking at and using all her old decorations; do not deny her this. You will be glad that you honored her request. Take a deep breath, decide to enjoy it.
I hear and respect your fatigue and
" caregiver exhaustion". Enlist help from nieces, nephews, grandchildren, other family and make a memory moment none will forget !
Was it a whisper from God? Or from Father Christmas? Or from Rudolph?
I know you said you don’t have money to get aspects of the meal catered, but it’s still expensive to buy everything at the grocery store. My family has ordered Chinese food on Christmas in the past. It was easy, inexpensive and everyone loved it.
As the host, you can decide what to do. Absolutely paper plates! If you do make something, keep it simple or do potluck.
If brother doesn’t like your plan, he can host! Don’t let everyone steamroll you. Sending love.