My 91-year-old Mom wants me to get out all her Christmas decorations this year. She thinks she can decorate but I know better as I can't even get her to pay her bills and she won't give them to me. I know if I do this we will still have decorations strewn around the living room, and not put up, all the way to Christmas Day. She wants to have my brother's family over this year for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day. I know all the cleaning, decorating, cooking and clean-up is going to fall on me and I am really stressed.
She knows how I feel but still wants to go through with it. Do I put my foot down and tell her I will do some decorating but I will not get all her stuff out. I live with her and have many of my own decorations and would be happy to put a lot of them up. Or, do I do as she says and feel the stress of looking at a mess that she is unable to handle? I know this could be her last Christmas but I want it to be an enjoyable time for me too and I am so anxious about this. My brother will be doing Thanksgiving so I am grateful for that. His family is a help with cooking but not Christmas decorations and cleaning at my house.
If everyone wants to help with the holiday decorating, the cooking, and the cleaning, then pull out all the decorations and do it up. Not if they don't though.
Tell your mother these EXACT words as kindly as you can:
'Mom, I think it's a great idea that we should decorate for Christmas and celebrate. I know you can't do it yourself and I'll help. I can't get out all the decorations or do all the cleaning up, but I'll certainly help'.
Then stick to your word. Don't let her guilt or scapegoat you into become a seasonal slave to her dream Christmas. If she can't respect your boundaries then don't do anything for the holiday.
My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then as I got older the holidays were basically me driving myself into exhaustion doing everything while at the same time making it look like she was doing it.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had.
The caregiving arrangement has to work for both parties. Sounds like it is not working for you rirght now. I strongly recommend getting her tested so you know what you're dealing with. I learned a lot by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. There are ways to interact with our LOs with dementia to make everyday engagement more peaceful and productive. She can't help having dementia. You need to alter your strategy and perceptions so that you don't burn out.
When my MIL was in decline, I arrranged a special decorating day with her and her grandkids. I put on Christmas music and made cookies for them (or they made "easy" cookies together). You don't have to get her "buy in" for plans -- do what is the least stressful for you. There are no wrong answers.