Hello All,
Long time lurker, never posted - thank you for this community!
I need some advice / outside perspective on follow-up care for my mother. It's a complicated relationship - Mom is super needy, and distance really helps.
I (41F) moved my mother (77) into a lovely active senior residence home in Florida in February of '23. She is on the independent track, but the residence has assisted living options also. She is a widow as of April 2022 and is very lonely and has multiple health and mental issues. She needs more help and company lately and she cries every night and begs to be close to family. The closest family member is her 30-year old granddaughter who is 1 and a half hours' commute away, but the granddaughter is very busy with full time work, school, and wedding planning and cannot always visit. Granddaughter visits briefly once or twice a month.
I live in Chicago, Illinois. I visit every other 2 months for about a week at a time. But, it's never "enough" and she is very lonely and doesn't have family visit her much and would like to live near me - whether in Chicago or Florida - wherever.
The director of the Senior Residence is concerned she is failing and will become ill due to lack of family visits. They have also noticed her depression, loneliness, and isolation. The consensus is she must be near a family member for her mental health. The family member she prefers is me.
I am debating on moving her to Chicago to be near me to help her out, or moving myself to Florida to be near her. If I move, I will leave my partner behind or force him to come with, and we will have to worry about housing (he owns our small condo) and getting new jobs. Also, I do not like Florida very much. If I move her nearby in Chicago, I will have to find a new senior residence or assisted living place for her and find all new doctors for her.
I struggle with undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression and it is very difficult to be her caregiver. She is very emotionally dependent on me ever since I can remember and it is very exhausting. I have not been taking care of myself for the last year or two because I am so burnt out from family issues*. But, I am her Power of Attorney as well as favorite emotionally available scatter-brained daughter, so I have a lot of responsibility and guilt to help her. I don't think any other family can step in and help.
I am not looking forward to this decision and I'm very overwhelmed. I am also worried about how expensive moving will be. Even now, the location I found for her and "put her in against her will" is quite expensive (though she does have savings and her IRA and makes just a bit too much to qualify for Medicaid in Florida yet), and I haven't been able to research how to make it more affordable. I just can't get myself to do the bare minimum because of my own issues.
I see a few options: 1) Leaving her where she is and upping her health care; 2) Moving her to the Chicago area in a senior home near me; or 3) Possibly moving myself (and partner) to Florida. No matter what, all of these require me to figure out money and will be very time-consuming research and I will be stressed and obligated to visit her often and help her with errands and her emotional needs that I am not sure I can always provide without detriment to myself. I even made a pros and cons list for each. (As much as I DON'T want to be her helper, it would actually assuage my guilt and DAILY anxiety about calling/helping her.)
Does anyone have any similar stories and anecdotes or possible options on what to do, including ones I have not thought of?
*Extra BG: I'm only family in Chicago. All extended family in PA, rarely see each other themselves. 1 older sister w/ 4 kids (30F, 16M, 15M, 13F) in FL. Sister out of picture. I quit my job and lived with Mom for about 1 year in FL while Dad in&out of nursing homes - took care of all Mom stuff / Dad's death and lived out her condo contract with her (w/o my partner). I'm... tired.
I am caring for my mother Betty, who is 78 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, heart disease, and mobility problems.
I'll tell you a little story about MY mother who also suffered from dementia and mental health issues her entire life. I'm an only child who DID move my parents close to me from FL to Colo into Independent Living so I could help them. Dad was sweet, mom was a pita. She was SO needy that no matter HOW much I did for her, it was never enough. She was also a BS artist to the point she had everyone convinced she was The Poor Soul and The Victim, so Lonely and Nobody Bothered With Her. Sniff Sniff. All lies. Anyway, she was going down the dementia highway when I moved them nearby, and 3 years later, I had to move them to Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip.
Mom continued the nonsense as her dementia worsened, saying she was lonely, yada yada, even when dad was living with Her! Then dad died and she was FINE! Socialized like crazy with the other widows in AL until she got pneumonia and her dementia took a turn for the worse.
I had to segue her into Memory Care Assisted Living across the parking lot where she lived for just under 3 years. Complaining the ENTIRE time how lonely she was that no family EVER visited her even on the days WE DID! Such is the nature of dementia combined w mental illness and a manipulative personality where too much wasn't enough. She had caregivers convinced nobody ever visited her bc she could Showtime like an Academy award winning actress! There were many days I stood outside in the SNOW for a phone/window visit during covid lockdowns freezing my butt off where she'd lament 10 min later how LONELY she was, while playing bingo and doing crafts!
Your mother probably has the administration boondoggled in her IL facility! She belongs in Assisted Living with more care and activities and to stay where she is. If she has dementia and mental issues, she's likely to tell you how LONELY she is 10 minutes after you put on a parade in her honor 😑!
Stay where you are and leave mom where she's at. Wellbutrin max dose worked well with my mother to take the edge off "the blues" she suffered from since I was a toddler. It didn't stop her from the suicide threats or the Poor Me Pity Parties though. Unfortunately. Take Barbs advice and get her an appointment with a psychiatrist and then into the AL, pronto. I love ya ma, but I'm not giving up my LIFE to your care and management. While hearing about what I'm NOT doing for you the whole time!
Your mother is 78. Mine died at 95. Be careful what decision you make here, and do not let FOG guide you. FOG=Fear Obligation and Guilt.
Good luck to you
Your Mom has been emotionally dependent on you for as long as you can remember, and now she’s actually got the director of the facility saying that you need to be there for her mental health. Did you hear that directly from the director or from mom?
It sounds like emotional blackmail. I am personally grappling with the fact that I was literally born to give my mother comfort in her old age. I’m 57 and I’m tired of it, I deserve my own life and so do you. At 77 she could live for decades.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but literally save yourself. No one is responsible for another adult’s happiness. And even if you blow up your whole life for her she probably still won’t be happy.
The "everyone can live to 100" bunch and our current user-unfriendly eldercare system are not likely to change in my remaining time. Still, my "happiness" or lack thereof should be MY responsibility, not that of my family. I will need to work hard at living that philosophy as my health and abilities decline, but I'm committed to doing the best I can. I hope my fellow elders will try to do so to the extent they are able.
I think you are already doing a lot by visiting her every two months for a week each time. That is six times a year. I like the family Zoom idea.
If you think long and hard about it and think YOUR life will be easier if she relocates to Chicago, maybe consider that. But bear in mind she will only become more reliant on you and won’t complain any less even if you see her twice per week. You will have to have very firm boundaries to make it work.
My situation is fairly similar, and I did move my parents up near me. So I am speaking from experience.
good luck!
Thank you for sharing. <3
You are a grown child with your own life.
That's as it should be.
Your mother is responsible for her life. Many elders have no children, and the fact that some care worker actually told you your mother would become ill because you don't visit enough? Well, that is simply ludicrous. She/he needs to get a new day-job. Families are honestly the LAST people to give a senior any good help with depression. Mom should see her MD.
In my opinion your Mom should stay in care where she lives.
You should get on with your life.
You should visit when possible.
You should understand you are not responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of your parent. That is your parent's responsibility.
Again, seeing as how our recent threads have gone out of control completely for trying to solve everything for everyone I would say this ball is in your court. If you have trouble knowing your own mind in this situation do consider counseling. Sometimes Social Workers in private practice for counseling are best at life transitions.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Hope you'll update us about your decisions.
What does your mother want to do to solve her own problem? She may want to be close to family, but, as you and they are scattered about various states, that is unrealistic. Does she acknowledge that?
I foolishly thought I could win my mother’s approval by moving her next door to me and my family. She was always difficult and I was never enough. She developed dementia and expected me to leave my husband and children to be by her side 24/7. When I refused to move in with her she threatened suicide. We were fed up with being manipulated and, during her last suicide attempt, I phoned the police and EMS. We were so stressed. She is now in a fine care home.
You don’t mention dementia, but my mother’s started with her isolating herself, demanding only me, making excuses to decline all solutions except me and becoming combative. She soon forgot how happy she was to move next door, and accused me of stealing her old house, forcing her here.
From my personal experience, step back.
My mother has been getting forgetful and "very confused" lately - she blames the fact that there's no "stimulation" (but she never was very social and always stayed in to begin with, and she avoids the social calendar events most of the time because she doesn't feel up to being extroverted) - but she did literally cry to me several times over the phone recently that she most definitely is "*NOT* getting dementia, I'm only overwhelmed" lately, which I'm taking as an admittance that she's afraid she actually is getting dementia. My Dad had a mild case before passing and she spoke about it constantly - her mother did in later years also. None of us have ever said the word or anything to indicate we thought she might be - so I think as a retired registered nurse who worked on a geriatric floor and took care of many old, failing, and dying patients, it's her biggest fear and might actually be happening.
I'm aware that may be happening as well - and I wonder also if that's why she's doubling down and becoming needier with me. She's already upset whenever I visit for 10 days at a time (beyond my comfort zone, but not enough for her) and trying to reiterate my boundaries and limits.
Thank you for giving me food for thought.
That’s backwards (unless someone wants to move to that area anyway) .
In your case with all your anxiety , I would not move Mom near you either . Leave her where she is , but maybe move her to assisted living for more socialization .
There should be no guilt . You should never have been made your mother’s emotional crutch your whole life . Take it from me , I WAS you , and learned too late as well . Mothers should not put us daughters in servitude. We hear from many that were though from early on in our lives . FOG. Fear , obligation , guilt is making you feel you have to make Mom happy .
You ARE NOT AND NEVER should have been made responsible for your mother’s happiness. You are feeling grief because she isn’t happy. NOTHING you do will ever be good enough because your mother has a mental illness . This is not your fault , nor your problem despite the fact that your mother makes it your problem .
Save yourself , live your life with your partner . See a therapist to help you break free of your mother’s grasp . You can be her POA and advocate from a distance . In your case that is best to protect yourself. I’m dumbfounded that the facility is saying you should live near your mother BTW. That’s ridiculous and out of line for them to say .
You also can always give up POA if it becomes too difficult , either another family member picks it up or the county/state becomes Moms guardian .
If you decide to move Mom near you or God forbid you give up your life to move near Mom , she will expect you to be with her all the time. Are you prepared for that ??? You will have to set boundaries and limit your time with her in order not to have her drive you crazy . She’s already driving you crazy from afar when you at least have distance . I also suggest you limit phone calls. Cut them short. “ Sorry Mom I have to go now “….
You May be thinking , how can I resist trying to make Mom happy , when she’s lonely , miserable etc ? I used to think like that , and now regret that I spent too much time on Mom and not enough time for myself and my own family .
Good Luck . Keep posting and reading threads with demanding mothers like yours .
Perhaps M should be in AL rather than SL, because AL has more emphasis on socialising. Perhaps you need to change her facility in Florida to one that can actually do the job they charge for, not just let M pay more for a higher level of care to this lot of morons.
I am the same age as M, and I think you are being ‘played’ by both M and the facility. M is not very ill, or she would not be in Senior Living. So she is competent to sort out her own problems, like getting involved in a social life of her own. She is pulling strings to get you to do what she wants. Chances are that you have always been her ‘retirement plan’ - and it might be worth asking her! She has conned the facility, which is saying what she wants them to say. They should know better and do better.
Stay where you are, think about a more appropriate facility for M in Florida. Yours, Margaret
See All Answers