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How do you handle the feeling of ever-growing hatred for a nasty, insulting, mean, very elderly parent with the knowledge of the reality that he is now disabled, dependent on others and nearing the end of his journey in this world?
Thank you for all your replies and insights. Apologize for this late response, just seeing this thread now. I appreciate the time and energy you put into your suggestions. Wish you all strength, peace and wisdom along your own journeys
PART THREE... SORRY I GOT OUT OF CONTROL!!! PLEASE READ PARTS ONE AND TWO FIRST! :-)
The reaction you have to the action causes you to make a decision (just like your caveman brain telling you not to put your hand on the hot stove a second time.) Only this decision is about TEN TIMES NASTIER than anything your dad did because this decision is yours, not his! And, it will look something like, "He doesn't love me", "He doesn't care/respect/etc me". Or it will be something like "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough" "I'm not lovable", or "I'm not worthy." Only you can figure out what the decision is and it will take something, and maybe have some tissues nearby as you do that work.
When you get the decision figured out, it will probably be something like (and I'm just making this up, I don't know you), "When my father is nasty to me, I make it mean I am not good enough to care for him, I don't deserve to be loved, and I'm not worthy of his love." Like I said, 10 times nastier than anything your father has ever said to you...
Now that you have the decision, you can ask yourself, "Is it the truth or just something I made up because of a thought, feeling, emotion, or attitude I had?"
Of course, it's NOT true! Would your father (or your father from 20 years ago) agree? Of course not. Would anyone else agree? Hell no!
I would assert that who you have been “being” in the relationship with your father is (your version of) “I am not good enough to care for him, I am not worthy, and I don’t deserve his love.” You have been looking at him through the lens… I am not worthy, lovable, and deserving. It’s no wonder it looks bleak and crappy – it’s a bleak and crappy story you have made up about yourself!
Listen carefully – none of any of this will change your father. He is likely to remain nasty insulting and mean. Not your fault. Not his fault. Those are just the current circumstances.
What you can change is your story about yourself. Because once you recognize and understand the story and get that it’s nothing but a story, you now have the power and freedom to let go of that story and create a new story. What is a new story you could create that would empower you to love, honor, and be your father’s caregiver in his final days?
Again, I don’t know you, but it may look like, “I am a loving daughter who is grateful for my life and the life he gave me, and it is an honor to give back to him when he needs it most.” Or maybe it is as simple as, “I will love my father unconditionally for the rest of MY life.”
Having an empowering story (aka empowering context) can allow you to look at your dad through a completely different lens (point of view) and when you do that even if his actions don’t change, your reaction will.
That was 1,000 words to say, “Context is decisive”. Change your context and life can be miraculous!
Just to be clear, I am not talking specifically to you. This is part of the human condition, and I am assuming you are human! :-)
Let's say your dad does something nasty. (That's what happened.) Instantly, you have a thought, feeling emotion, or attitude about it. We will call that your reaction. (That's just your caveman brain deciding whether you should fight or flee, it's natural, don't be upset by it.) Now, here is the nasty part...
The reaction you have to the action causes you to make a decision (just like your caveman brain telling you not to put your hand on the hot stove a second time.) Only this decision is about TEN TIMES NASTIER than anything your dad did because this decision is yours, not his! And, it will look something like, "He doesn't love me", "He doesn't care/respect/etc me". Or it will be something like "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough" "I'm not lovable", or "I'm not worthy." Only you can figure out what the decision is and it will take something, and maybe have some tissues nearby as you do that work.
When you get the decision figured out, it will probably be something like (and I'm just making this up, I don't know you), "When my father is nasty to me, I make it mean I am not good enough to care for him, I don't deserve to be loved, and I'm not worthy of his love." Like I said, 10 times nastier than anything your father has ever said to you...
Now that you have the decision, you can ask yourself, "Is it the truth or just something I made up because of a thought, feeling, emotion, or attitude I had?"
Of course, it's NOT true! Would your father (or your father from 20 years ago) agree? Of course not. Would anyone else agree? Hell no!
I would assert that who you have been “being” in the relationship with your father is (your version of) “I am not good enough to care for him, I am not worthy, and I don’t deserve his love.” You have been looking at him through the lens… I am not worthy, lovable, and deserving. It’s no wonder it looks bleak and crappy – it’s a bleak and crappy story you have made up about yourself!
Listen carefully – none of any of this will change your father. He is likely to remain nasty insulting and mean. Not your fault. Not his fault. Those are just the current circumstances.
What you can change is your story about yourself. Because once you recognize and understand the story and get that it’s nothing but a story, you now have the power and freedom to let go of that story and create a new story. What is a new story you could create that would empower you to love, honor, and be your father’s caregiver in his final days?
Again, I don’t know you, but it may look like, “I am a loving daughter who is grateful for my life and the life he gave me, and it is an honor to give back to him when he needs it most.” Or maybe it is as simple as, “I will love my father unconditionally for the rest of MY life.”
Having an empowering story (aka empowering context) can allow you to look at your dad through a completely different lens (point of view) and when you do that even if his actions don’t change, your reaction will.
That was 1,000 words to say, “Context is decisive”. Change your context and life can be miraculous!
I hope that made a difference. ~BRADJust to be clear, I am not talking specifically to you. This is part of the human condition, and I am assuming you are human! :-)
Let's say your dad does something nasty. (That's what happened.) Instantly, you have a thought, feeling emotion, or attitude about it. We will call that your reaction. (That's just your caveman brain deciding whether you should fight or flee, it's natural, don't be upset by it.) Now, here is the nasty part...
You are not going to like this answer and I may not be able to convey it properly in a web post, but I'll give it a shot. For background, I manage a boutique home healthcare agency in South Florida and I coach people in relationships, performance, and success.
There are a lot of golden nuggets in your question. I think you have probably pinpointed your feelings well. Just to get it clear, your dad is a nasty, insulting, mean, elderly guy who is disabled, dependent, and nearing the end of his journey in the world. That's a lot to deal with and it takes someone with a special type of love to be willing to deal with it. Take a few minutes out of every single day to acknowledge yourself for being THE ONE who is willing to deal with all that.
****(As a sidebar, there is only one reason why people (you) get upset about anything (him). Quite simply, it's because they care about that thing - you never get upset about stuff you don't care about! You obviously care a lot about your dad!)****
Hopefully, just that made you feel a tiny bit better. And now we can begin to deal with the impact your dad is having on you and your life. Or, put another way, how you are allowing your father to take your power away from you.
I am sure you've heard of the concept "cause and effect". (Cause - your turn on the faucet. Effect - water comes out.) There is also "action and impact". This is a bit trickier because in this case, I am referring to the impact as the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and attitudes created by the action.
When your dad does something nasty, insulting, or mean to you (the action) there is an impact - the thought, feeling emotion, or attitude on you. And unless he's done something to physically harm you, where do those thoughts, feelings, emotions, and attitudes reside?
This is the part you won't like - sorry, not sorry... Those thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and emotions live strictly in YOUR head. They are yours and yours alone. For better or worse, you are the only one that can create them, buy into them, and live your life empowered by or disempowered by them. And, I'm thinking you're pretty disempowered right now, so let's figure out how to alter that, okay?
I think your entire sentence shows that you have this knowledge already firmly in hand. If you are asking how this loss while a parent is still physically living with a heartbeat and breathing can be made easier, I doubt that it can be. I think you need to understand, if your parent no longer really knows you nor can behave appropriately, that you need to be around this behavior as little as possible. Be certain you do not take such a person into your home. Visit less frequently and stay for a very short period only. If you believe the help of a therapist would be appropriate for you then try to access a private practice licensed certified social worker who specializes in life transitions to discuss. Not everything can be fixed. Not everything has a good answer.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You could have saved me THOUSANDS of dollars in therapy if I had simply read and incorporated your wisdom into my heart and mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What you said was concise and perfect. I don't know if the OP will internalize this, but wow---I loved it!!
Thank you!
MidKid
The reaction you have to the action causes you to make a decision (just like your caveman brain telling you not to put your hand on the hot stove a second time.) Only this decision is about TEN TIMES NASTIER than anything your dad did because this decision is yours, not his! And, it will look something like, "He doesn't love me", "He doesn't care/respect/etc me". Or it will be something like "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough" "I'm not lovable", or "I'm not worthy." Only you can figure out what the decision is and it will take something, and maybe have some tissues nearby as you do that work.
When you get the decision figured out, it will probably be something like (and I'm just making this up, I don't know you), "When my father is nasty to me, I make it mean I am not good enough to care for him, I don't deserve to be loved, and I'm not worthy of his love." Like I said, 10 times nastier than anything your father has ever said to you...
Now that you have the decision, you can ask yourself, "Is it the truth or just something I made up because of a thought, feeling, emotion, or attitude I had?"
Of course, it's NOT true! Would your father (or your father from 20 years ago) agree? Of course not. Would anyone else agree? Hell no!
I would assert that who you have been “being” in the relationship with your father is (your version of) “I am not good enough to care for him, I am not worthy, and I don’t deserve his love.” You have been looking at him through the lens… I am not worthy, lovable, and deserving. It’s no wonder it looks bleak and crappy – it’s a bleak and crappy story you have made up about yourself!
Listen carefully – none of any of this will change your father. He is likely to remain nasty insulting and mean. Not your fault. Not his fault. Those are just the current circumstances.
What you can change is your story about yourself. Because once you recognize and understand the story and get that it’s nothing but a story, you now have the power and freedom to let go of that story and create a new story. What is a new story you could create that would empower you to love, honor, and be your father’s caregiver in his final days?
Again, I don’t know you, but it may look like, “I am a loving daughter who is grateful for my life and the life he gave me, and it is an honor to give back to him when he needs it most.” Or maybe it is as simple as, “I will love my father unconditionally for the rest of MY life.”
Having an empowering story (aka empowering context) can allow you to look at your dad through a completely different lens (point of view) and when you do that even if his actions don’t change, your reaction will.
That was 1,000 words to say, “Context is decisive”. Change your context and life can be miraculous!
I hope that made a difference. ~BRAD
Just to be clear, I am not talking specifically to you. This is part of the human condition, and I am assuming you are human! :-)
Let's say your dad does something nasty. (That's what happened.) Instantly, you have a thought, feeling emotion, or attitude about it. We will call that your reaction. (That's just your caveman brain deciding whether you should fight or flee, it's natural, don't be upset by it.) Now, here is the nasty part...
The reaction you have to the action causes you to make a decision (just like your caveman brain telling you not to put your hand on the hot stove a second time.) Only this decision is about TEN TIMES NASTIER than anything your dad did because this decision is yours, not his! And, it will look something like, "He doesn't love me", "He doesn't care/respect/etc me". Or it will be something like "I'm not good enough", "I'm not smart enough" "I'm not lovable", or "I'm not worthy." Only you can figure out what the decision is and it will take something, and maybe have some tissues nearby as you do that work.
When you get the decision figured out, it will probably be something like (and I'm just making this up, I don't know you), "When my father is nasty to me, I make it mean I am not good enough to care for him, I don't deserve to be loved, and I'm not worthy of his love." Like I said, 10 times nastier than anything your father has ever said to you...
Now that you have the decision, you can ask yourself, "Is it the truth or just something I made up because of a thought, feeling, emotion, or attitude I had?"
Of course, it's NOT true! Would your father (or your father from 20 years ago) agree? Of course not. Would anyone else agree? Hell no!
I would assert that who you have been “being” in the relationship with your father is (your version of) “I am not good enough to care for him, I am not worthy, and I don’t deserve his love.” You have been looking at him through the lens… I am not worthy, lovable, and deserving. It’s no wonder it looks bleak and crappy – it’s a bleak and crappy story you have made up about yourself!
Listen carefully – none of any of this will change your father. He is likely to remain nasty insulting and mean. Not your fault. Not his fault. Those are just the current circumstances.
What you can change is your story about yourself. Because once you recognize and understand the story and get that it’s nothing but a story, you now have the power and freedom to let go of that story and create a new story. What is a new story you could create that would empower you to love, honor, and be your father’s caregiver in his final days?
Again, I don’t know you, but it may look like, “I am a loving daughter who is grateful for my life and the life he gave me, and it is an honor to give back to him when he needs it most.” Or maybe it is as simple as, “I will love my father unconditionally for the rest of MY life.”
Having an empowering story (aka empowering context) can allow you to look at your dad through a completely different lens (point of view) and when you do that even if his actions don’t change, your reaction will.
That was 1,000 words to say, “Context is decisive”. Change your context and life can be miraculous!
I hope that made a difference. ~BRADJust to be clear, I am not talking specifically to you. This is part of the human condition, and I am assuming you are human! :-)
Let's say your dad does something nasty. (That's what happened.) Instantly, you have a thought, feeling emotion, or attitude about it. We will call that your reaction. (That's just your caveman brain deciding whether you should fight or flee, it's natural, don't be upset by it.) Now, here is the nasty part...
GO FIND PART THREE!!! The happy ending!!!
You are not going to like this answer and I may not be able to convey it properly in a web post, but I'll give it a shot. For background, I manage a boutique home healthcare agency in South Florida and I coach people in relationships, performance, and success.
There are a lot of golden nuggets in your question. I think you have probably pinpointed your feelings well. Just to get it clear, your dad is a nasty, insulting, mean, elderly guy who is disabled, dependent, and nearing the end of his journey in the world. That's a lot to deal with and it takes someone with a special type of love to be willing to deal with it. Take a few minutes out of every single day to acknowledge yourself for being THE ONE who is willing to deal with all that.
****(As a sidebar, there is only one reason why people (you) get upset about anything (him). Quite simply, it's because they care about that thing - you never get upset about stuff you don't care about! You obviously care a lot about your dad!)****
Hopefully, just that made you feel a tiny bit better. And now we can begin to deal with the impact your dad is having on you and your life. Or, put another way, how you are allowing your father to take your power away from you.
I am sure you've heard of the concept "cause and effect". (Cause - your turn on the faucet. Effect - water comes out.) There is also "action and impact". This is a bit trickier because in this case, I am referring to the impact as the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and attitudes created by the action.
When your dad does something nasty, insulting, or mean to you (the action) there is an impact - the thought, feeling emotion, or attitude on you. And unless he's done something to physically harm you, where do those thoughts, feelings, emotions, and attitudes reside?
This is the part you won't like - sorry, not sorry... Those thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and emotions live strictly in YOUR head. They are yours and yours alone. For better or worse, you are the only one that can create them, buy into them, and live your life empowered by or disempowered by them. And, I'm thinking you're pretty disempowered right now, so let's figure out how to alter that, okay?
GO FIND PART TWO, IT GETS BETTER!!!
I think you need to understand, if your parent no longer really knows you nor can behave appropriately, that you need to be around this behavior as little as possible. Be certain you do not take such a person into your home. Visit less frequently and stay for a very short period only.
If you believe the help of a therapist would be appropriate for you then try to access a private practice licensed certified social worker who specializes in life transitions to discuss.
Not everything can be fixed. Not everything has a good answer.