Mum was admitted to hospital 3 weeks after hearing she had terminal lung cancer. She insisted I didn't return but the doctors said it was time for me, as only daughter. Spent 2 weeks caring for her, "putting affairs in order" (GP's words), talking with specialists involved, helping her in any way I could, setting up open communication routes with everyone for when I returned to Japan.
After discharge, I fought on her behalf for her to stay at her beloved unit, however, four nights later we both came to the hard acceptance that she couldn't cope alone, even with daily nurse visits and services such as; shopping, cleaning, taxi, emergency pendant, pharmacy delivery, OT. By this time, pain management drugs, and her condition, were taking their toll on her cognitive ability which frustrated her, understandably.
Mum's relationship with her family broke down over the last ten years. While caring for my 84 yr old Japanese MIL, I worried about how my own mother would cope in her elderly years, so last year contacted her. I can't deny that I don't still hold grudges, which do flare up now and then, but for my sons' (8 and 11) and her sake, we tried to move forward positively.
This sudden visit, I met mum's best friends, Val&C and Graham&L. Val explained they'd been advised to set up an EPOA, so they printed one off the internet. We all agreed revoking the existing one was best.
I had reservations about Val but mum trusts her and someone needed to physically be there after my return to Japan. Val would visit daily demanding to know what I had done, doing, how she was to be involved. Her behaviour was erratic, rude, competitive, and upsetting. For mum, I bore it, and tried to get around her interventions even though I felt Val was using coercion on us by her constant verbal battering.
We printed another short form EPOA off the internet, where mum, Val, Graham, and I signed, with a very clear verbal understanding, I thought, with mum's consent, that I would deal with the health side, she the financial stuff, and Graham as a back up.
As I feared, mum was back in hospital a week after me leaving. The facility, that she loved, wasn't available yet. I was back in Japan, trying to keep in touch with doctors etc. and monitor mum's condition, skyping her every day via the ipad that I had gotten for her. Instead of news, I was hearing of Val's intervention. A horrible feeling of helplessness and frustration, so reminded Val of our agreement, but she said she was being a friend and they were approaching her as she was an EPOA. Eventually, I called her and got angry, asking her to stop. She was damaging the progress I had achieved with the Facility etc. with her calls, often to the wrong people. She hung up on me. A common tactic, like stomping away while trying to talk with her.
She obviously told my mum, though denied it, as my mother sent me a scathing e-mail saying not to upset her friends. Mum sent an e-mail to Val, reporting how she told me where to go. It was wicked, cruel and so hurtful after all I had done for her. Two days later she was transferred to palliative care. She skyped me, screaming and shouting how could I do this to her, is this how I wanted her to end her days. After calling the nurse, I talked with Graham, from Japan to Aus, to say she is very upset, please help her. Over the next 2 days, when I called, she was cold and nasty.
Mum was transferred to the facility, the one I'd worked so hard to get her into, the next Monday. I sent flowers and a card of love but have been reluctant to call or e-mail as her hearing aid bothers her, then she gets upset and angry again with me.
I told Val not to contact me again as I could not function by her "working together", as she put it. She responded in her usual manner, childishly. Threatening us with more work to get her off the EPOA and executers of the will, and reporting it all to mum, who by this stage is really deteriorating. Graham and I ignored her, hoping this would be an end to her meddling and upsetting. But, then she starts again, taking over everything.
Graham has been wonderful, calming mum down, helping both her and me get through this difficult time. Now poor Graham is getting Val's spiteful attention. Oh, and I'm being sterile apparently as I refuse to respond to her! Graham and I have been in constant contact, continuing to help mum both from my and his side of the world, working in unison so mum sees her last few weeks in comfort but his resistance to Val is wearing thin.
This woman's intervention is horrible but mum sees her as a good friend. I refuse to have contact with her or while she is around, which is most of the time now.
My family will go back to Oz in 3 weeks. Can I risk all of us being hurt by this behaviour. Mum said the other day she doesn't want the boys to see her, however, I feel it's Val talking, to get to me through my children. Grahams sadly tells me any day now.
Any suggestions on what I should do?
Unfortunately, I believe that Val is a criminal. She is likely to repeat what she did to your family to other families. Under the circumstances, you and your brother should probably report this situation to the police and also to APSU. By doing so, you may be able to save other families a lot of grief from this woman attempting to involve herself in this manner with other families.
If Val should bother you or your brother ever again, don't hesitate to go to an attorney and get a restraining order against her. The woman is obviously a monster.
To my horror, I discovered from other friends that this Val wasn't really a close one. Since I'd not been in mum's life over the past years, I had no idea. Graham, her absolute best mate, and I comforted and supported each other the the whole ordeal. We managed to ignore Val and focus on what was important, mum!
Unfortunately we've had to give up on any involvement in the simple cremation and gathering. Val has even gone so far as to override mum's and Graham's verbal agreement that he spread her ashes from the Cessna plane over the Gold Coast and my taking a vial of ashes, since it's part of our Japanese side custom. Her husband is doing it.
Mum's friends are also quite upset at this exclusions, but approached me to kindly ask if they could do their own memorial for mum. They're waiting for my family to return in two weeks to Aus. Very kind, positive support felt by all. As it should have been.
I wrote a harsh letter to Val expressing how we felt about her bahaviour and that since she'd forced herself upon mum in a vulnerable time, she would have to complete the duties of executor. The rest of us have accepted and moved on by doing our own life celebration. We wish to have no more contact after this has been completed.
I've tried to impress on Graham and friends that it's not worth argueing and fighting with her. I don't want things if they are to be gained under this veil of negativity.
I'm at peace. She was in a lot of pain, heavily drugged, not able to move or respond. The two times she woke, I could feel her focus was more on the pain, which I helped with immediately. At 7am she opened her eyes and looked directly at me. Holding her frail hand, I once again told her how much she was loved, laughed at how she could go and meet her beloved brother and play pokies up there with him. At 7:10 she took her last breath. While cleaning out her care facility room, I found all the little gifts that the boys and I had brought for her from Japan, plus the cute notes they'd made to get well.
Whenever he did show up in some way (phone or actual visit), he tried to control the situation and them. Whenever he decided to intervene (which was seldom, as I've already said he enjoyed his life too much and left the difficult details, financing everything, and caregiving to me), it got unpleasant with them, and with me. Though my parents loved us all, my brother just never gave of himself unselfishly, was never fully there, and he was mainly interested in having fun, controlling the situation, having everyone take his suggestions, and in everyone worshipping his ideas and him. Narcissistic.
My mistake was to think that his personality would change once he saw that they were getting older and becoming more ill, and he would for once put their needs before his. It never happened. I should've known that and not set myself up for yet another disappointment.
Sometimes distance is more healthy. Since the passing of mom and dad, my brother and I no longer speak.
Make the moments count for you, you will never regret it. God bless you and keep you safe!!
I'm flying back tomorrow, alone, as mum asked the doctor to contact me to say she is deteriorating. Clearly she is afraid and I need to be with her. The doctor compassionately gave the facts, that mum wouldn't last until the end of March when we planned to return as a family, but didn't press me to come back.
You need to do what will give you peace in the end. You will never have a second chance under the circumstances.
My mother was a very difficult and demanding woman. But she was MY mother and I loved her. I promised her I would be with her when "that time" came. And I was able to keep that promise. I don't regret it. She would ask, "I am dying, right?". "Yes, mom you are, but I am right here". I was honest with her and I held her hand. Just before she passed, she opened her eyes and said, I need to hug my girls. She did and slipped away.
YOU are the daughter. Your mother may have said she did not want you there, but I think you need to do what YOU feel is right. Do not let people suggest that you stay away. You will not be sorry for doing the right thing.
My own experience is that my mother was afraid of dying alone. A "friend" cannot take your place in your mother's heart. She may be afraid to say that she wants you there because of her friend. Bottom line...blood is thicker than water.
If you do what you know to be the right thing, you will never regret it.
As for the boys & their ages I would be careful how this might affect them. I wish you knew how my youngest was affected by my parents disease even though he was old enough to know them. It has affected the youngest to the extent he really hasn't gotten past it. Ask others that know the boys what they think.
And my brother... yeah, he regrets it. But it's too late now.
In some families, there is the thought that it's best to stay away from a terminal situation like this and to remember the person at their best. Some families feel having the more positive memory is best.
In other families, there is the thought that this is the last opportunity to speak to the person and that it's important to take it. Some families feel this provides closure.
I would ask yourself how you or your sons would feel about this in 10 or 20 years and make decision based on that.
As an example, I know that I occasionally hear stories about children who were traumatized by seeing a dying relative, but when my grandpa was dying, I had the chance to give him my toy to play with to help him feel better (I was about 4, at the time, so I thought I was doing something important) and I'm glad to have that chance to have that final memory of him. But I really think it depends on your own situation.
If you do decide your children should or want to have a last visit, I would tell her they want to see her and be insistent. Point out that she does have the right to be left alone but they do have a right to see her and see how she reacts to that. However, if she is not going to let them into her room, I would think that would be kind of awful for them. I would not put them in that situation, probably, if she made it clear that that is what she would do.
You're not going to like this. I think you should step back. This is why.
Your mother insisted that you should not return once you had had news of her terminal lung cancer. Partly, no doubt, it was because she "didn't want you to worry" (yeah yeah, don't they all say that? How, exactly?) but also, possibly, it seems to me, because she had a shrewd idea that things were going to pan out as they have in fact panned out. That is, with a brief reconciliation followed by hassle, aggravation, hurt feelings and flaring tempers.
Remember that it was her doctors whose bright idea it was that you should involve yourself closely once more. Doctors can be as sentimental and prone to relying on stereotypes as anybody else. Normally, yes, one would expect a dying woman's child to be the one to call on: but does anybody here actually know of a "normal" family? It sounds as if your mother grasped the situation better.
I suspect that your mother agreed to the various attempts at a working POA arrangement because she did not want to reject you. That's a good thing: underneath everything, she loves you and cares about you, she doesn't want to shut you out. But what she doesn't need is wrangling and arguments. She is ill, tired, dying. What you can offer her now is not practical support, but acceptance and love. Nothing else matters much.
Let the people who are there on the ground deal with logistics and arrangements. Spend the time you would have spent on things like that either speaking to your mother on the phone or, if she's not up to that, writing to her. You can email her via Graham, ask him to deliver hard copies. Try to be kind, but don't be dishonest. Think Nelson Mandela - truth and reconciliation - not Pollyanna. Give her as much comfort as you can. Never mind thanks or praise or appreciation, most mothers want to know that their children are going to be ok. If you can truthfully tell your mother that you know she loves you, do it.
Ignore Val. She's nothing to you. Be civil as you would be to any stranger you don't happen to have taken to. And stop blaming her for things. Her impression of you was founded on your mother's opinion. She wishes to help and protect her friend. Make of that what you like, but don't imagine that this current situation is all her doing.
Eight and eleven, the boys… Hmm. This is very borderline. Terminal lung cancer is not pretty. Taking leave of their grandmother is important. I'd suggest you think extremely carefully about the pros and cons of their seeing her; but very heavy on the side of the cons is the fact that your mother has told you not to take the boys to see her. You should respect her wish.
If you still want them to, though, get her agreement to the visit. You can take them with you and settle them with books or games in a lounge or reception area while you ask her: tell her they're there and she has the option of seeing them if she wishes. But you've no right to insist on her receiving visitors, and any conflict during a visit would add fear and misery to the boys' sadness at seeing their granny as she now is, and their anxiety about you.
You say you can't deny that you still hold grudges. No one will blame you for that, I certainly don't. But you haven't got time for them at the moment. Long term, it would be good for the boys if you do address them. Right now just concentrate on what you want your last exchanges with your mother to include. You still have a choice about that. I wish you strength, and enough time to make some good final memories.
I wonder if that EPOA is valid. She signed it while on strong meds (I assume). Ignore the email & her friends. Just let her know you love her (whether you do or not) & maybe suggest we BOTH forgive each other (because your Mom sounds like mine, who is NEVER wrong, especially now that she has Alzheimer's Dementia. And someone said "she will change in time." I don't agree with that. She's too old & difficult to do that (I KNOW that from my experiences with my mom). My ❤️ goes out to you.