He suffers from vascular dementia. I have produced our children who swear that I am their mother and his wife to no avail. I have produced our wedding certificate innumerable times; told him things that only he and his wife could know. He either forgets or claims that anyone could re-produce a fake licence. I try saying that I am busy and we will go into that later and he says that I always say that, but that I never bring it up again.
He is heartbroken sometimes that his wife is lost to him. He seems to be able to remember some things that contribute to his theory - and conveniently forget things that I say or show that may be proof of our marriage. He simply cannot be 'tricked' into the delay of facing his belief..
He won't call me a liar, but he does not believe me. I have not been able to pretend that his wife is out there somewhere where he cannot locate her!
Lately he is questioning our legality to our property and wants to go through our legal papers to be sure that no one can 'take it away'. Nevermind that he cannot really understand what he reads, etc.. 'Not sure if he mistrusts me or that 'other someone' who could be claiming to be his wife.
'So confusing to explain and so frustrating to go through this day after day. He only sleeps in the living room in his rocker, also, even though I tuck him in bed every night, he is up in an hour or so looking for his LaZy boy.
I am lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep each night wondering if he is OK or out on the front deck waiting for his real wife to pick him up!
We set this up in 1996 with two of our four children as Trustees along with each or us as trustee for each other. My note above lists my husband as (70). That is in error. We have been married 70 years, each of being 90 years old. I do not know how that error happened. When you get to be 90 - all kinds of mistakes happen all around you - so I will take the blame. LOL
Our trust states that disability begins upon receiving letters from two physicians who "deem him disabled because of illness, age, or any other cause which relates in my inability to manage my property or financial matters." I am not sure if I need to do more than that - perhaps present that to the 'court'. I will endeavor to determine that soon... The wording of the 'law' is quite confusing most of the time.
Thanks for your responses - I will try your suggestions of not being contentious.
The problem is that I am never sure when these in-consistencies will strike. He can seem perfectly normal, friendly and out-going to neighbors, etc. and they seem incredulous that there is anything wrong at all.. sigh... No, it's not just me! Our kids agree... and want me to get outside help - tho they are as helpful as they can be. I do not call on them very often - they have their lives to live, also.
I have recently found out about a Senior Day Care center that is supposed to be great and we are going to go there with our Parish nurse to have a looksee..
There are two Dave's here, Dave Me and Dave her husband. Remember you're going to have to "absorb" a lot worse behavior.
As long as you expect your loved one to react to situations the way you do, you'll be frustrated, angry, and miserable. If, however, you can learn to get inside their minds, to comprehend their world, then it is not against human nature to respond with smiles and hugs and tons and tons of love ... and private tears that we can't do more for them.
It is difficult to accept their mind is damaged by Alzheimer's Disease
You need to be in charge of all medical and financial decisions. See an elder law attorney to see what you need to do this.
Good luck. Sorry this has happened but it probably isn't reversible. Try to get sleep even if you need to have a home health aide certain nights to watch over him so you can climb into bed and really relax and sleep. I paid for aides to be with my father so I could get sleep on many nights. It is always worth it.
I too agree - geht guardianship asap. My best wishes and hang in there.
I agree with Carol and pam. Check into obtaining guardianship. You have to protect yourself.
While this situation is quite common and emotionally heartbreaking for the significant number of people who must cope with it, it's more rare to see where there could be legal problems. I'd see an elder law attorney, bringing your documents and maybe your children along.
Ask if you can do something short of the long process of guardianship to protect yourself. I'm sure his doctor would say he can't make decisions but you may need more legal protection. As Pam says, you may need to go as far as going to court for guardianship, but an attorney can advise you.
Please let us know how you are doing as you progress. We're not new to these issues and will be thinking of you.
Carol