We care for my husband's mom - she has been here nearly 7 years and the last 3 have been very difficult. I retired early to care for her. She has two other children who rarely call or visit. We have asked them repeatedly to take mom for a bit and give us a break. One of them has promised 3 times and backed out twice and came to stay once - only to leave 24 hours after we went on vacation - leaving mom alone. That was the end of that respite break. The other child did take her for one week recently - it happened to be 'between health crises' - so all went smoothly and he thinks caring for mom is 'no problem.' She has since suffered a TIA with some lingering effect. She is 87, has had three knee surgeries, has diabetes, high BP, enlarged heart, and beginning dementia. I need a break - long enough to truly relax. We cannot afford paid help. Has anyone else found a way to convince other siblings to offer a respite/break? I have a feeling that this kind of family cooperation is not the norm - that it seems to usually be just one kid (in my case, one daughter in law) who does it all. Any practical suggestions for THE CONVERSATION?
When our only remaining aunt could no longer live at home and had a sudden health crisis, we traveled to help her make decisions. The result was moving her in with us, 150 miles away. It simply made sense, since one brother had Mom, and the other one lived across the country and had his own serious health issues. She'd had no children or other relatives.
She has some savings, so there was disagreement initially, but we communicated. Yes, I had some resentment and hurt, but it is gone.
Her savings now pay for weekly respite care. There is no senior daycare, as we are very rural. My brother helps with some decision making, and I try to keep him informed. Mom died, but I understand the difficulty of their present situation. They visit a few times a year, and we stay in their home on our visits. If and when my aunt needs more care, the VA can help after savings are used.
Yes, we immediately went to a senior lawyer who knew our state laws. Best advice ever.
I am sorry for the families who do not talk, or help. Hugs to you.
I thought it was Karma biting me in my behind because I had decided that I didn't want children -succeeded in that - and then end up being both bedridden parents' main caregiver. (You should have seen me trying to change bedridden mom's pamper. I tried to lift her legs up - like one does with a toddler. I'll have you know - that doesn't work at all for an adult.) It took me years to be a 'seasoned' caregiver by watching and asking questions from the gov't caregivers who came to sponge bath mom. Despite years of experience, I'm still not cut out to being a caregiver - despite what everyone says. I just deal with what is - and do a good job or get in trouble for being 'negligent.'
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/what-is-durable-power-of-attorney-140233.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/difference-between-POA-durable-power-of-attorney-living-will-140435.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/financial-power-of-attorney-manage-senior-expenses-155469.htm
It sounds like your checks went to the Nursing home. Which is right - since you were living there - even if it was against your will. The only recourse I can see is to write off your son who had POA and just never ever trust him again. It's always good to know your enemies. Now you know. Don't ever trust him. You now know whom you can trust - your oldest son.
Have you formally rejected the POA over your son who put you in the Nursing home? If you haven't, I'd recommend you do that immediately. The next time you decide to do POA, Please see an Elder Law Attorney. There are Different Kinds of POA. I'd recommend you research this thoroughly. I would go for the Springing POA. The designated POA can only step in when you have been diagnosed as incompetent to take care of yourself or been diagnosed as mentally incompetent. This way, the POA cannot do what your son did - put you in a nursing home with you having no say. As long as your competent, the springing POA is not activated.
Remember, as long as You're Competent (have your doctor certify this), You Can Change the POA to anyone you want.
Family thought I was selfish wanting time for myself, I was in my home and should be happy there 24/7! They were too busy with their own lives to show up to visit unless there was a meal involved. She was loved and well cared and that is all that matters.
My father felt very angry over my brother's abandonment prior to my father's losing capacity. If he changed his will, I hope my brother will manifest the peace of mind you espouse, and just "let it go!"
You cannot change anyone in this old world but yourself.
You will just need to put it out there and be frank. No sugar coating anything. Keep a log/journal so they can see what a typical day looks like. Start small - maybe just long enough for you to see a movie or go have a coffee with friends. Then try a half day. Then try a full day. Then a full day with an evening included. I wouldn't push overnight right away - that will scare people off. Even though they shouldn't be. But it happens.
Be sure you see a therapist. xo
My brother was that way, but since he is wholly supported by my parents at this time, I believe that he is seeing the need for him to step in. He is plagued by fear of mortality, too, along with his asthma going haywire. I have severe health anxieties myself. This triggered me horribly hence my complete loss of appetite (and it could have been that I was being treated or Strep on top of the drive, the circumstances, roaches and the fleas). At this point I can only hope that I don't leave all of them feeling that I didn't do everything I could. I've had several crises that affected me horribly and this is how I react - no appetite and chest pains. Some of my marital problems they have no need to know - but I have had depersonalization episodes, hypothyroid, and labile hypertensive episodes and struggle with life at times - but not suicidal. I need my immediate family with me and having to go do this without them with me was truly traumatic. Living closer would be so much better.
The worry consumes me. I am contributing, but I'm afraid that they will end up needing more than the combined efforts of BOTH of us.
You and your sister each had and have choices about how to relate to your parent. She made one choice, you made another. Your anger over her choice is stealing your peace of mind and emotional stability. You can't do anything about your sister's decisions but you can do something about your anger. Keep venting here if it helps. Consider seeing a therapist if it continues to eat at you.
How do I feel about sibs who don't help? My three sisters and I all care for our mother in a nursing home. We advocate, visit daily, shop, etc. They pick up the slack when I have health issues, or, as I do now, a son in the hospital. I am grateful to them. I love them. My brothers? I understand how health issues interfere for two of them and I am happy when they can visit Mom. The remaining brother -- I really don't understand his neglect. I don't know the details of what is going on in his life. I get kind of miffed thinking about it, but I value serenity too much to get my undies in a bundle over it. (Do you know the serenity prayer?) I love my brothers.
It is not fair that you are the only one who made a decision to help. Life is not fair.
Sorry.
I was able to finally get help from 4 of my 7 siblings. This took years of venting to them about my life (how miserable it was) and how bad father was treating me (verbally/physically abusive),etc.. One brother only helps now because he found out that his younger brother was helping me (both have always been competitive when growing up.) So, I now pay my oldest sis to come help Mon-Fri to babysit parents while I work. Then, my older brother pays for a paid caregiver to come on Saturday (I work on Sat mornings every other Saturdays). My oldest bro now pays our $450-$600 monthly power bill - starting this year. It took YEARS to get where I am. I have never accused them of not helping. I just did a lot of venting of how miserable my life is. You see, I used to travel a lot. Then mom got bedridden and my traveling stopped. So, family knew how much I gave up to help at home. .. They are not helping for the parents but for me. I have always been neutral in the family dynamics. Everyone knows that.