My mother is 87 and has always been a caring, loving person albeit a little jealous of my husband's parents and siblings. I am the only female of 5 siblings and live next door. My mother has become increasingly controlling of my time, even comparing how much more time I spend with my own kids and grandkids than her. She is also beginning to throw out those little barbs that are so hard to ignore.
She remarried after my Dad died because she was "so lonely" even though we lived next door. My Dad has been dead 9 years and she has been married to Art for 7. He is obnoxious and a very negative man. However, he helps anyone in the family that needs financial help. I believe he has contributed to my Mom's negative, whining, and demanding ways. I'm ready to move a far distance but know this is not the answer. I just need words of encouragement to cope.
Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You hit the nail right on the head. Describes my mom to a t, which is why I've tried never to do any of these things to my kids like she did to me. When they left the nest, I had a fulfilling life in place and continued it. My kids were a gift, I will not ever demand anthing from them (as long as I'm in my right mind). Mom says I owe her for my life. I've never said those words to my kids. I owe them for allowing me the opportunity to love them.
Because of the fiasco with Mom, the kids have discussed the future. Son takes their dad. Daughter takes me and shares step-dad w/his son. We're fortunate to have long-term care policies but we scarifice to do it. We don't want to burden our kids.
Respect is the key here, I totally agree. Your post made my day, thanks!
This is just my opinion, but the moment we leave the nest our mothers' purpose in life is making us feel guilty. When we were little they couldn't wait for us to grow up and let them be free. Now that they have their freedom, they have no idea what to do with it.
SUGGESTION: Make a list of priorities with your children and husband at the top and without leaving your mother out, of course. If she doesn't like it, tell her to get used to it because that's the way it's going to be. If she has a hissy fit, tell her your pride forbids you to argue and get ready to leave. On the way out, tell her to give you a call when she has calmed down and is ready to apologize.
From the moment our children are born, WE owe them; not the other way around. We can't treat them any way we want, especially when they're grown and gone, and expect them to be grateful for it. In a nutshell, it's all about respecting one another.
-- ED
If your mother's only source of socializing is through you and your family, she has made her world smaller, and you, unwittingly, have become her enabler. I speak through experience because when my mother first moved near us I did everything for her. Very quickly, I found that this was not healthy for her physically or emotionally.
First, can you spend less time with her and suggest independent activities as a replacement? Do you have siblings who live in the area and can take turns entertaining her? If she calls incessently, do you have caller ID?
It sounds as if proximity is an issue. If you should choose to move a "far distance" please make that decision based on your needs, not as an escape.
My husband suggested a good coping method for those little "barbs." He said that when the negativity starts, POLITELY end the conversation or get up and leave. It is a gentle way of inforcing behavior modification without getting upset. Another member of this forum put it another way, "do not rent her anymore room in your head."
good luck,
Lilli