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Sometimes showing statements and other hard evidence helps, but as mentioned, the result doesn't last. Alzheimer's takes away logic. Add that to memory loss and it's easy to understand why people think someone is taking their things (or money).
My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.
Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.
Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.
Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch. Carol
If dementia is his ailment, my suggestion is to tell him you feel the same way, you lose items too, you forget where you put things sometimes and it is normal. By doing that, it helps him to realize that there is nothing wrong with him. This is the biggest problem I have experienced with my parents...their denial...so let them continue the denial because really...it is hard to accept an ailment or disease like Alzheimer's when you don't feel ill or any different than you did a year ago.
I got my mother to trust me by sympathizing with her regarding the memory loss and misplacing items. Then I moved on to showing her the financial issue on her level..not mine.I asked her if it was ok to do this or that so she felt she had control. It took several months of me doing this to gain her trust.
My mom was accusing me and my sis of trying to take her money, her home, etc. We were lucky because our mom had contact with a couple of long time friends/co-workers that she trusted who were around her age. These two ladies helped us because they knew mom was ill with Alzheimer's. My mom was least trusting of my sis...ironically, sis is the primary on mom DPOA, LOL!! I am closer to our mom and I became the mediator. I just suggest you not take offense to the accusation, just say something like, "I understand,...then show him paperwork even if he does not understand it anymore...encourage him to make choices with your guidance. I hope this helps...it is very hard to not be hurt by the accusations and my heart goes out to you during this phase of the disease.
From a practical perspective what my Mom does is hide her money from the caregivers who are of course "a bunch of thieves" who will "steal anything that's not nailed down". Then she forgets where she hid her money. Fortunately she now forgets she had any money to begin with. You try to find humor where you can.
Try validating in addition to what Sharonm29 says above. The validation technique was developed by Naomi Feil and is fully explained in her book The Validation Breakthrough.
I think sometimes you cannot respond in defensive mode. Since they forget within a short space of time and start the same nonsense, I think I'd just ignore it. Let them go on.
My husband has a habit, when we r out to eat, looking in his wallet and saying...almost out of money. Later my Mom will say she needs to talk to me and brings the money thing up. "If u need money use mine". I tell her Denny is just teasing. Then I have to tell her her money is going to keep her house up. The small pension she gets pays for her drugs and personal needs. If there is money left over at the eom, she " treats" us all to dinner. This makes her feel like she is doing something.
I just want to affirm the above: logic and solutions are great in the early phases. But later, fugeddaboudit. My mom is perfectly lucid when I speak with her and asks all the right questions. But she does not remember what was said even two minutes, or one minute earlier. If I say three sentences, she doesn't remember the first. So, logic? Proof? Solutions? They are now irrelevant. But I do hear you on validations. My mom is constantly fishing for validations so I will step that up.
It has been descovered that people with dementia or Alzheimers respond to you in specific ways and there are Alz organizations in your area that teach you how your loved one is understanding rather, misunderstanding what you've said. Once you kow how they think, your taught how to respond back for that person to be more cooperative WITH YOU. Please look for this help that is freely available for you.
It is difficult when they don't remember what you said 2 minutes later. Yes, sometimes certain meds can make a difference. With my mom we first used citalpram, then a year ago it was changed to lexapro because she was having some rapid fire angry toward the caregivers. Our goal is to keep our mother as comfortable as possible without having her medicated into oblivion. Understanding your loved ones big issue...with my mom it is having control. Giving her the feeling she has control has helped so much to avoid her frustration and us being hurt.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My mother couldn't believe the money it took for her care. I'd her documents and then she'd cry over the amount, but shortly afterward she's be accusing me once more. It tears out your heart to be the target of this abuse, yet the person - in this case your husband - can't help it. It's his reality.
There are several mentions of validation. Here's an article on Agingcare about validation with several hundred comments. The comments - people's stories - are interesting and affirming.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/validation-therapy-for-dementia-166707.htm
Validation can be difficult under the circumstances that you describe, but you can affirm his thinking by telling him how you do understand how easy it is to forget. You obviously can't "agree" that you're stealing his money, so this take some creativity.
Sometimes we have to weather this phase, use distraction when possible, and even ask for some help if needed. Another family member may be able to convince him for awhile that you are innocent.
Take care. This is a terribly hard situation and many of us have gone through it. Please keep in touch.
Carol
I got my mother to trust me by sympathizing with her regarding the memory loss and misplacing items. Then I moved on to showing her the financial issue on her level..not mine.I asked her if it was ok to do this or that so she felt she had control. It took several months of me doing this to gain her trust.
My mom was accusing me and my sis of trying to take her money, her home, etc. We were lucky because our mom had contact with a couple of long time friends/co-workers that she trusted who were around her age. These two ladies helped us because they knew mom was ill with Alzheimer's. My mom was least trusting of my sis...ironically, sis is the primary on mom DPOA, LOL!! I am closer to our mom and I became the mediator. I just suggest you not take offense to the accusation, just say something like, "I understand,...then show him paperwork even if he does not understand it anymore...encourage him to make choices with your guidance. I hope this helps...it is very hard to not be hurt by the accusations and my heart goes out to you during this phase of the disease.
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