How do I cope with my Mom's constant requests? I feel like a servant!

RSTORMFIELD, you seem to speak from a place of much bitterness. That is not a good place to give advice from.

If it comes down to daughter's life being shredded to pieces because she has a demanding mom - no matter the relation - then mom is dying, and taking her daughter with her. If her mom actually knew she was doing this to her daughter and cared, she wouldn't do it.

But she doesn't know, and doesn't care to know. Daughter needs to draw some lines in order to be healthy for mom and herself. Put her own air mask on first... My mom can be demanding and it helps when I remind her I can only do so much, and some stuff is just not important, or can wait. Lucky for me, mom understands and finally agrees.

Whether you are the caregiver or the recipient, everyone acts and reacts differently. Some are wired to be caregivers - and some aren't. Likewise, some elderly are easy to take care of while others are unreasonably demanding, embittered, combative or abusive.

My mother's dementia has created the latter for me. Sure, I tried my best to keep her independent, but she eventually became a danger to herself and the situation became more than I could handle (bogus calls to the police, yelling at the postman and neighbors, false allegations of theft and abuse, racial diatribes, etc.). In her mind, she was no longer safe in the home, but instead of being fearful, she was violent and abusive. It was actually her idea to move to Assisted Living and it was a Godsend.

But there's something I wanted to say to Smitty. After years - and in hindsight really decades - of taking the verbal abuse, accusations and threatening behavior, I simply became void of emotion toward the woman. I can't help it but the fact is I no have an emotional investment. Sure, I do my duty and ensure that she gets proper health care (and yes, there are good places out there), but the days where I have any emotional connection are long gone. If you see yourself heading in this direction, do what you can to get help for her and for yourself - but also realize that you are only human. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about what you feel.

My mother was the same way during her 2 month stay in a nursing home before she passed away 2 weeks ago. It was very exhausting, but looking back I know she was lonely and just so ill and miserable she didn't know any other way to be. Towards the end she became very appreciative and apologized for being so demanding all the time. We had one huge blowout around Thanksgiving and cleared the air and things got easier. I miss her so much and even her crazy demands. Just breathe and tell her you're doing your best. She appreciates you even though you may not feel it. Good luck!

Caregiving patience comes and goes in waves. There are days you take it all with stride and others you feel like you are drowning and can not breath. It is important to take care of yourself. Easier said than done. I am in a different situation than you, in that I moved in to fulfill a promise that my grandfather could die at home. I have my own home and I had a life beyond his care. This few month stent because he was dying, has gone on now for 32 mos. He has been officially under hospice care at home for 16 mos.(he get a total of 3 hrs/wk from them, the rest falls to me but I have better tools to manage discomfort). I lost count how many times he was very close to the edge but somehow recovers. I have been in almost constant state of alert with life and death. I have held on because it constantly appears that it will not be much longer. I have no more life. I can not make plans because one of his episodes make me drop my plans to rush home for him. Reality is that this has destroyed my business. I should never had made that promise. I seek to find the lessons in this experience. I am very caring and loving but my personality is not one that can handle being trapped or constant repetition (I am...was fiercely independent). People have told me that I will never regret this but I already do. If I had any clue what I was committing to, I would never have done it. I feel like I have been ripped apart and beaten (figuratively... no physical abuse on either side) When he finally does die I will not be able to go back to being me. Like a spring that has been stretched too long, I will not go back to my old self. So the quick answer is get out. If you are just living there to save money, it will cost you more in the end. It can deteriorate your health. It sounds like caring for her is killing you. If you are stubborn like I am... I am going to keep this promise even if it kills me and it just might.... then I suggest seeking and experimenting with healthy coping and communication. My grandfather is a strong self centered man but basically a good man with many admirable traits... but he expects women to wait on him. He is 96 and from another era. He has had his own learning curve with me fixing the bathroom sink instead of having a man do it. I have learned to calmly explain myself with reason, state my expectations as well as seek to understand his feelings and his desires... God knows he would never talk about fears. I have worked at stopping my tendency to imagine what he wants and now I ask him. Many times I am right (I can tell you want he is thinking just by the subtle movements on his face) but sometimes he surprises me by the answer. It is also good to make him use his words... make his actions a conscious effort not a subconscious reaction. I also have done better at setting boundaries. Boundaries that are shared and understood by both parties. (I am grateful my grandfather still has his mind for the most part and can do this. My heart goes out to all who struggle with caring for those with mind issues). Lord knows I feared open communication with him with all my soul. I was terrified that he would be angry with me. After all he was the great and powerful Oz. I was grandpa's little girl, he was the adult. But I faced those fears, since I was back into a corner. The stress was tearing my body apart. I should have been hospitalized twice with severe abdomen pain but refused to go because there was no one to take care of him. So I really had no choice. If I was going to survive the experience and keep my promise, I had to grow up, change my relationship with my grandfather, and have a heart to heart. He was uncomfortable with it as much as I was. But we got through it. I had to be the adult and not expect him to lead, know, or understand what I was going through. And we have had several conversations that I would never have had dreamed of having with him. And this ability to state my needs has improved my other relationships. So I will not be the same person and it will probably take months to heal and start a new life but I do have some great communication skills that will make me a better person in the end. Interesting, as I reflect on this, maybe I will not regret it... but I will say it has been a very costly learning experience. But it is only a learning experience if I look at it that way. If I choice to find the gold in all this dirt. If she holds over you the living situation and will not talk to you as an equal, get out. If you do not have all the ingredient to make a cake... it does not matter what you want, it just will not come out right. If you are angry or have strong emotions, it means your needs are not getting met. What are they? Identify it and then share your expectations. Don't assume the other person knows. It might still require compromise and you will still have bad days but it will be better. Remember no one can make you feel anything, that is your choice. Now all this sounds rosy and it is not. No one is going to live happily-ever-after. He still thinks women should take care of the house... he can still be demanding and get angry when he can not always get his way... but it is better and we can talk when new issues come up. I am not going to change him but I have made living with him a little bit easier... or at least I am handling it better. It is all about perception and you have control of that.

Points to ponder:
+ avoid a bell... I bought a wireless doorbell for him and it makes me gag every time I hear it ring...even on my good days. And if you do not move fast enough it can become their weapon.

+ read inspiring books like "The Four Agreements". To me the most important agreement is "Never take it personal". Remember her life is also turned upside down... she has her own issues and fears to contend with. The "Five Languages of Love" is another excellent book. You and your mother may have different languages (or expression) of love and appreciation. Maybe your mother sees love as service but you see it as words of appreciation and neither are getting their needs met. If your mother has her facilities, read it together and discuss it.

+ Breath.... several times a day, take good deep breaths.

+ Find areas of your life you can control... like eating, exercise. Care for yourself by eating whole foods and drinking plenty of pure water. Try eliminating sugar. Personally when I eat sugar I have lower emotional tolerance. And movement helps the nerves. Give yourself some loving kindness and seek to understand.

Hi...dealing with someone who is pain is very difficult and sometimes they may not be really aware how they are acting. Talking to her may help...but you might benefit from a little counseling.....I did...it taught me how to answer correctly, to diffuse situations and to change my mindset. I too was feeling resentful, overwhelmed and tired..but when I realized it was often the "illness" speaking not her .... I learned not to react in ways that were harmful to me...I coped much better.

If your mom knows she's doing this...and has been a controlling mother, just let her know when something she's asking you do to is not important and don't do it! Just because you care for your mom doesn't mean that you have to jump for every menial thing she's asking you for! My father can be abusive by saying things that he knows will make me angry...and I've learned to IGNORE him and just walk away!! He stops saying nasty things when he knows it doesn't affect me. Example: He used to ask me for a certain type of dessert at least twice a day daily! I finally got soooo sick of him asking me all the time that I bought him boxes of these cooking and left them out for him to eat...until he got sick of eating so many. He never asked me for those cookies anymore!! Anyway...goooood luck with that and remember, you are not a whipping mat for someone else's misery!

Is there anything else she could focus her mind on? Listening to music or recorded books, for example? Visual or audio presentations on things that interest her?

With nothing to distract her, sounds like she focuses only on the immediate concern, no matter how trivial.

Most of the time there is no way to handle it, especially with narcissists. It may well not be nice but I have a tendency simply to shout down my mom. I have told her a) I will not say how high just because you say jump. b) I will go downstairs to the bathroom without informing you every time.
I did this because she started to 'lecture' (I knew exactly what she was going to say). Instructions on how to inform her of my movements ("this would be avoided if you told me...' "I am not going to tell you every time I go downstairs to pee.' she tries to repeat what she said, and I have found I can just over ride her. As a youngster, having to listen to her freakin 'lectures' for hours on end involving total drivel, I find it empowering simply to over ride and over talk her. I make my point, she gets it and copes with it as well as she can.
Mom is the type who can dish it out but she can't take her own medicine. We get along pretty well. If I go downstairs I usually tell her, that is courteous. I hadn't even gone downstairs and I had my hands full when she started yelling. I am not going to drop stirring something that will scorch if I stop and I'm not going to take the pot off the stove either.

Suggest you make a written list that she can see and check off all her requests when completed. I think she will be more aware of how much you do. Add all the chores you do automatically as well.

It is hard not to jump when your mother makes a demand, but you are going to have to learn to just ignore. My mother is the same way. You can't control them, you can only control your reaction. And sometimes i feel that I would rather be out of the room fetching or doing for her than listening to her complain. So just do what is best for you. Oh if i point out to my mother that she demanding something all the time...like as soon as i sit down from one chore she has another, she gets very apologetic and says, oh i don't mean to do it now, i just wanted to let you know i need it. yea boy. anywho, they just get that way, you can only control your reaction to it and don't feel bad if you just ignore her...and sometimes it does help to pretend that you are just a paid caregiver helping out an old person.

Have you ever heard of Pavlogs (sp) dog . He tested dogs using a bell and when ever the bell rang--(food was involved) the dog sprang to attention to it. People are conditioned to this kind of behavior too. Your Mother is pavlog and you are the dog. She rings her bell and you jump. (I went through this same thing with my Mother not as bad as yours but same problem). Everything my Mother wanted ---I jumped until my legs buckled and I said enough is enough. You have to determine whats R-E-A-L-LY I-M-P-O-R-T-A-N-T vs. what she feels like she wants (i.e. DEMANDS) You have to retrain yourself.-------Daughter---I want the remote-----Take your time dear......(MEANING I want it now)( You ----) I'll do it in a moment Mom----
then you take your time doing it . You're going to have to grit your teeth and listen to her prattlings and clucking but you have to DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.(restrain from getting it right now---you have to re-train her!!!!!!!!! She has to learn there are no strings attached to your mind, hands and feet. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN TEACH HER. You have to teach TOUGH LOVE to both of you and YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE that can do it. Toughen up girl!

Just recall how she answered your requests since you came into this world. Amen.

Pamstegman, I appreciate your down to earth answers. Just beginning to figure it out, but about the time I do, something else pops up. Thanks to all of you that offer ideas to help and such encouragement in our need. Yes, it does help to know we are not alone. God bless us one and all.

I wish I could tell you to not take it personally, but for some that is not possible. You say there are other caregivers. Is it possible to shorten your shifts? Believe it or not, her frustration at being unable to care for herself is far greater than your frustration at being bossed around. She is probably miserable being in so much pain. Apologize for your angry outburst - no matter who is at fault, she needs to know you care, and it may give her an opportunity to apologize, too. Honestly, I prayed constantly, in my head, under my breath, and aloud. Now, one parent has passed away and I miss even his grumpiness, and the other has dementia, and I miss her even more because she's here and yet she's not. God bless.

My mother used to say "your"ll miss me when I am gone" truth be told I did not but that's another story

I feel your pain. I take care of my 87 year old mother in my home, since she could no longer live on her own and had no where to go. She lives in the basement of my house and it is very difficult since she does not have a shower, only a powder room. She suffers from Parkinson's so for months she was not able to come upstairs and she had to have sponge baths. Now she is on the medication and is better, but she now comes upstairs and drives me crazy in my kitchen and family room. I have two teenagers who can no longer hang out in the basement with their friends so I have to listen to them make noise upstairs. My mother also has endless requests of things to do or buy at the store, since she can no longer drive. When I do buy her things she is never satisfied and I have to return things often. I don't know what the right answer is since I agree that many nursing homes/assisted living places are not run well, but it is very difficult for adult children to care for their parents unless they had a special relationship growing up. I continue to look for an assisted living place that takes medicaid in NY so that I can have some peace and hopefully she will get the care she needs.

Jennifer, my mom was just like that. Very picky and very demanding. And reallly too much cognitive impaiment to respond real well to reasonable limit-setting, plus it was nerve-wracking to be trying to do something for her that she actually needed done while being constantly yelled at to hurry up. My mom went into facility care and I ended up having to keep my visits short, task-oriented, and pleasantly chatty as well as we could with her hearing being as bad as it was.

As a general theory, you can try just checking every 5-10 minutes or so and work that up to 15-120 so you can do other things a little, i.e. make your attention non-contingent on her bell-ringing or other demands and it may or may not work either.

Now my husband was a lot more reasonable - he was kind of doing that after his hip surgery and quickly dropping into a pattern of over-dependent on me for things he could do for himself but was nervous about, so I used the "honey just wait a minute" method of rehabilitation. You might be able to get mom to tolerate reasonable delays too. Maybe with the store thing, write it on a list and only go to the store twice a week as a routine, and then go back over the items with the checklist in hand once you have them.

Everything is money in this world nowadays. For those who commented about my story let me just add something else. I do work in the health field myself and I go beyond my duties for a patient. My experience with my grandmother dying in the nursing home and being neglected just proves the fact that there is trash out there that does not belong in the field. They are in simply for the money, nothing else. You cannot tell me otherwise. Like they say, I was not born yesterday. A lot of people choose to go into a field simply for the money, nothing else. They killed my grandmother there in the Bronx and they almost killed my mother too. There is a mafia out there which I have confirmed. They protect themselves when it comes to these things. So, keep thinking about putting your elderly parents in a nursing home or an assisted living facility and you will certainly feel guilty and bad for the rest of your life.

Rstormfield, this is the reason that many say to keep your eyes on your loved one when they are in a NH and to advocate for them. If something is not right, it can be brought to the attention of the care staff. If the staff knows that someone is paying close attention, perhaps they will, too. The task of being caregivers doesn't end when someone is placed in a facility. It just changes.

RSTORMFIELD you clearly had a very bad experience with workers in nursing homes. A big part of the problem is that a CNA can get a certificate in only five weeks and many women who are out of work are pushed in that direction when they are collecting welfare. These are frequently single mothers with more kids than they can take care of. They are exhausted when they come to work and just don't care. They are desperate about how they will pay the rent, repair the car so they can get to work, the power is going to be cut off next week. I can go on and on and am not making excuses for their lack of caring and compassion just stating facts as i have seen them. At other end of the spectrum are the older women again usually divorced or widowed or caring for a disabled husband or child. At one time they may have been proud of the job they were doing and gave extra kindness to their elderly charges but now they are overweight, their legs hurt and they can't face answering another bell. they may have such bad backs from all the lifting and should be on disability but they have been denied over and over again and they are still 3 years away from social security. It is the whole social system that is wrong. I don't know what your situation is or if you have seen how the poor live but i can only guess that your relatives got into a very bad situation and suffered. Due dilegence is necessary to care for our elders. Inform yourself and supervise your loved ones care. When you notice poor care stay untill the problem is rectified. remember it takes a village.

First off God Bless You! Your doing awesome and your a special person... I'm not sure you hear that often enough. I am in a situation a little like your in the fact that my mother is in between a nursing home and alot of home care. I am lucky that the whole family is around to help and she has a class thats important for her to go to a couple of days during the week. It helps her so much... Socialize, fun games all keep her from getting worse BUT its difficult to get her to go she fights us but once she goes she is great!! Its come to having to tell her the truth: if she doesnt keep going to class she will have to go into a nursing home. I think you should try the same. Assure her you are doing your best and if its not good enough for her that is the next step and you dont want that. Im sure thats the hardest part of being a caregiver... The thanklessness of it all!
You can only do your best!

Jawdropper - your post was really enlightening. I too wondered why I felt no emotion toward my mother - she might have been a person sitting next to me on the bus on my way home from work. I couldn't figure out if there was something wrong with me - but you put it very well. After a while, you just learn to tune it out, not wrong, just trying to get through the day.

But RSTORMFIELD, what happens after the overworked caregiver dies, then don't the people they were caring for have to into a facility after all? It seems to me that to suck the life out of anyone is evil and why should it be ok to abuse your children, no matter their ages? I don't think any person is anyone else's "lawful prey". To put it rather crudely, if you live to be old you are almost certainly going to wish you had not, but that doesn't give you a right to blame anyone else for your situation. This is a very imperfect world and it is very unreasonable to take one segment of the population and say "everything should be nice and cheery for them, no matter what it costs others." What about simple fairness here?

The system is just wrong. You would think that people in this situation would look for other work, like a fast food drive through, where they can sit and take orders and not have the huge responsibility of caring for very fragile human beings. People in the nursing homes doing the hiring should watch for this lazy, uncaring attitude when they do the job interview! I am appalled at the throw away attitude given to senior's. If pets were treated this way organizations would storm in to the facility and it would be all over the evening news, yet our seniors are just treated like throw away items in these nursing homes. The facilities we used for rehab were rated the highest 5 stars on the medicare site too. One thing I did find is that the aides who did the best job most of the time were those going on to a higher level of nursing or already in nursing school and using the job to gain experience and for hands on learning. Maybe it should be a requirement of nursing school to spend some time in a nursing home for hands on learning. This is the way it is done in many other places in the World. It would weed out the people just going for the paycheck. This is just appalling how these seniors who worked hard and many went through the Great Depression and wars, are being treated. How is the Boomer Generation going to fare if this is the way it is now?

yes, I am in the same situation....Mom (she is 86)lives with me and has a lot of health issues fell and broke her arm 2 weeks ago....it is a full time job, I am a slave as well..... I have no time for myself....I have meltdowns a lot.....last one was because she wouldnt attempt to reach over and turn off a touch lamp........stressful emotionally and financially............you are not alone....I feel like a monster too

Katie unfortunately a job as a CNA pays about $2 and hour more than fast food and is usually or can be full time and will carry benefits

Katie I totally agree!!!!! While I try not to judge other people as everyone had a different situation and threshold, this is just my story. My mom is 89 with diabetes and dementia. Dad is 92. Not that I ever considered having them anywhere but in their home, last year only confirmed it. My mom was in and out of the hospital and I would never leave her alone. That meant if she was admitted, I was too lol. Luckily they never chased me out but even with me there I saw incompetence and this is a top hospital. I couldn't imagine what would go on if no one stayed with her. She then went to a top rehab. OMG they didn't want me to stay but there was a huge snow storm so I slept outside of her room and managed to spend enough time to want her out. The facility was very presentable to visitors. On the surface the inames aspirated to be well casted for in a nice looking and clean place. But that was only on the surface. I felt like an undercover reporters getting the inside scoop by spending so much time there. The real truth was that my mom was ambliatory with a walker going in and they treated her like an invalid. The only time they allowed her to move around was during the 1hr of physical therapy. This was not healthy for her. All they cared about was liability of her falling. So instead of watching and helping her they made her bedridden. They were so understaffed that they took forever to help her in the bathroom that I would just do it myself. Long story, and red tape later we took her out. A few days layer I noticed her foot was swollen. Cut to back to the hospital she had a dangerous blood clot (dvt) no doubt caused by the rehab leaving her in need or a wheel chair unnecessarily. Unfortunately a lot of these places are holding pens. The care is not good and if a family member isn't overseeing, it's horrible

Sorry for the typos. I'm writing from my smartphone as the folks nap and it has a mind of its own.

Wannek,

Tell us, generally (no names), where this is, please.

New york!