Follow
Share

Mom can't do anything for herself due to pain and mobility issues so she gets waited on hand and foot by me and other caregivers. It's one request after another and if I don't answer right away she repeats it. She says it doesn't have to be done immediately but it's her tone and she has OCD so she hyperfocuses on what fell on the floor or lights left on. It never ends and by the end of my shift tonight I blew a gasket..so much rage spewed out that I felt like a monster.

Anyone dealing with a personality like this?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

77 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
There r no easy solutions. We make the best decisions we can make at the time. The what if will always b there to torment our thinking. We face the day and make the decisions we can live with. I feel each situation is the same but different at the same time. We all have different stress levels some have a low level and some have very high levels .I refuse to measure myself against others. If u can handle the stress fine but if not then find a solution that works for u.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I count myself among jawdropper and others who have lost their emotional attachment to their care recipient. I started out wanting to take care of my mother and expecting it to be an emotionally rewarding experience. But from the start it was anything but. I wanted to play the role of nurturer and she wanted a servant. I planned to do whatever I was moved to do out of caring and compassion; she was making lists of tasks she wanted done for her. Including things she could well have done herself but didn't want to bother with once she had someone to do it for her. My mother isn't abusive; she's just self-centered and totally unconcerned about other people. Whatever you say, she tunes it out because she doesn't feel that she needs to listen to anyone else, especially her own kids.

The lack of regard she has shown for me, as well as my general disapproval of the way she has handled the challenges of aging for herself, has literally killed the affection I once had for her. (I should point out that I'm not a sentimental person by nature and have never had a strong attachment to family per se.) Funny thing is, my mother would never believe it if I told her this, even though it's written all over me. She believes she is the center of the universe for all her kids and nothing could ever change that. Therefore she has no reason to modify her behavior or to consider anybody else's feelings or point of view.

I believe care recipients (even parents) need to bring certain things to the caregiving relationship to be worthy of love and care. Respect, compassion, empathy, and the recognition of the fact that they are being given something from another person's precious store of time and resources, not to be wasted or used frivolously, and certainly not to be demanded as a right.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I guess you just have to accept that humans are human, but remember YOU are in charge of what you will and will not do. No guilt about ignoring abuse, harassment, etc. Nobody gets a green light to act abusively to anyone just because they reach a certain age (I'm not talking about mental incompetence - when you have that, you need to be reasonable about how much you can safely endure - that's right, YOUR safety comes first). But it does take persistence and practice to set boundaries and turn aside guilting and manipulation. You can get there.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Well, you are talking to a coffee lover. Stop in at McDonald's they have senior discounts (it is piping hot though, could be problematic), or try QT. They make really good coffee, but it's piping hot, It would also give him a choice. You could use this as a reward for good behavior. He is fixating on his own thoughts and sounds like he has made up a lot of inner stories he holds on to. I raised a boy with autistic tendencies and had to pick him up from school a lot during his teen years due to fantasies/panic/episodes gone awry. I would bring him home and watch the Three Stooges, and he would snap out of it. I don't know what makes your guy tick, but use distraction strategy. Laughter is good medicine don't kid yourself. There are day care facilities that have dementia therapy for these people, I would look into it. I would stop making him promises you may not be able to keep. I would start to make exchanges with him or 'deals'. If you do this, I will do that. If you don't do this, I won't do that. He is really manipulating you and this is his modus operandi, watch for it, but don't lose your cool, it only makes them worse......
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Holdontight, we also have a dog and she helps me keep my sanity (such as it is!). I also walk her and at times we go to the park. My husband has dementia, but is able to be around and walk, but chooses to be waited on. He won't walk the dog, sits in one kitchen chair (he can see anything from there), if we go to the park, he'll sit in the car and wait. I've gotten where I have him make his coffee and if he screws it up, he cleans it up. (but not correctly, of course). He had so many messes I switched to instant coffee, but he demanded REAL coffee. I told him that he would have to make it himself (I'd follow his instructions as how to make it and he would never like it) and clean up any messes. So far he's had coffee spilled all over the counter/floor, forgotten to put the filter in the pot. Spilled the coffee grounds on the floor and over the waste can.
He's finally saying "thank you" to the helper. Today he said he's saying it too much. LOL We don't talk much anymore, as he is so negative and it wears me down. He watches me like a hawk. Tells the family that when I leave I always come home late (after 12:30 a.m.). I'm home by 10:30p.m. and it's only on Friday when I meet up with 2 of my friends from high school days. He's asked me when I'm leaving. I've told him I intend to stay and die here. He's worried he'll have to go into a "home". I've assured him that is not my intent. No use. This has definitely changed my personality. I seldom laugh. Trying not to worry, but it seeps into your soul. I'm so grateful to have my pup. She comforts both of us.
All I can say is "hang in there" and try to find some time for yourself. Walk in the park ( seek nature) and exercise. don't be afraid to ask for help and hang on to your dear friends for life. Blessings
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I thought I was reading my own comment. Feel like a servant really stuck out. This was last summer when she was on oxygen and I had my hands full. Responsibilities have increased in my own life since then. These help keep her issues in perspective and force me to make boundaries. Once I realized that my anger will only make her worse, and started to realize that she is basically afraid and helpless, it also puts it all in perspective. The issues are still there, but I am in a position where I now have to put distance there even if I have to leave the house when living with her or not call her when at my own home. I have a dog too, and he helps to keep her attention off of me and on another 'needy person" besides her. I also have excuses to take 2 walks a day. He is a large lab/retriever and costs some $ but in the end he earns his keep.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I try to stay positive, but have a negative personality I'm dealing with. I DO lose it IF I get woke up in the middle of the night-twice. I hate getting woke up especially with a person who can't get out of bed without "help". So I lost it this early AM. Took me all day to get over my anger. I just had to not talk to her and do my things: cleaning, recipe look ups, trying to stay busy, walking dog. I am constantly asking God to only give me what I can handle and to have Him help me all day . It's tough. Hang in there and I agree with GiveAHug: don't give a bell out. You'll go nuts.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Yes. Only when living with her... she builds her expectations to the point that it can be stifling. You have to leave the house to get your bearings.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
northglor5, if its just her ears, it could be fixed - but it may be a brain that can't remember and can't judge reasonable lengths of time to wait for anything.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My mother does the same thing and will repeat every minute until the thing she wants done gets done. I have often thought that maybe she is either hard of hearing or possible has a large build up of wax in her ears keeping her from hearing me say ok a thousand times?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Oh its best to flog yourself bloody as you walk around the block and then bow down to all you moms demans. This will get rid of most of the guilt for even trying to do this. You only have a 40% chance of out living her anyway. Oh yea sleep on a board too, this dispells all cares. Now you should be happy. 6.5 years a caregiver, moms now in a home barking orders there, lol happy 2 day "why destory yourself" Solomon
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Sorry its flog yourself bloody twice a week, that heals the guilt real good.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
LoL you should flow yourself twice a day too. What are you doing, trying to inhearit everything she should be in a nursing home. No one is ment to care for someone that much, but if you want it all, I hope you live long enought to get it. In general she has a 40 % chance of out lasting you. Go dancing, have some fun, get laied at least once a week to improve you life expantancy to at least 70%.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I apologize in advance but it seems that the wealthy can get good care, whether at home or in facility. MOney buys lawyers, consultants, and most of all surounds the wealthy with that aura of "you mess with me and you're sued, so don't mess with me". The rest of us who have trouble paying the average $3800/mo for AL, let alone the average $8500/NH, are basically left to our own devices to get remedy for even things like the rehab hospital that won't come take mom to bathroom. If that daughter hadn't been there that mom might be dead. If you have no daughter or she lives too far away, you're dead. But if you have the money you can buy good helpers (and fire the not good).
As far as the original Question, you do have to pick your battles with the dementia patients--its not mean to simply not respond to all the requests. You could also keep a running list of all the things she's asked you, mark the time asked, and show it to her! Then draw a line and write in all caps, BREAK TIME UNTIL (3:15). and give yourself a Break. Take it in the bathroom, or garage if need be.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
To Veronica, Thank you for your explanation. It just fell everything apart for me. I have a spine issue myself, my mother broke her hips and then my grandmother whom I had under my care for years gets sick. Everything fell apart. I almost lost my mother too in that place, but these people should remember that there are repercussions to whatever they do with patients. These patients have family and they are responsible, whether they are too tired from taking care of too many kids at home or not. They took a life and they are responsible. When you work in the health field and you make a mistake and that mistake results in an injury or death of a person there are no excuses or pretexts whether they like it or not. I spent my entire life learning and for these people to get a certificate in just a couple of weeks and deal with patients is ridiculous. The system is killing people. The state does not care about this obviously. It is strict with some, but not with everybody. It is a joke.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Ah ha!

OK, listen to me, somebody. I am out int he boondocks in PA. zip code: 17870. Not that far from New York. We have a lot of nice places around here. I have had my mom in two of them. The costs are much less than in NY and the people are very nice. In fact, my mom's place has a number of people from New York and Long Island.

One place in the next town that is not expensive (about $2K per month for a shared room), has sweet Mennonite ladies working there--not the people you are describing who would otherwise have been at a fast food joint.

Now, stay with me for just moment. I know it is far away. But you could drive over on Saturday morning, afford to stay in a motel Saturday night (with what you would save from being in NY!), and drive back on Sunday.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Sad but true
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
New york!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Wannek,

Tell us, generally (no names), where this is, please.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Sorry for the typos. I'm writing from my smartphone as the folks nap and it has a mind of its own.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Katie I totally agree!!!!! While I try not to judge other people as everyone had a different situation and threshold, this is just my story. My mom is 89 with diabetes and dementia. Dad is 92. Not that I ever considered having them anywhere but in their home, last year only confirmed it. My mom was in and out of the hospital and I would never leave her alone. That meant if she was admitted, I was too lol. Luckily they never chased me out but even with me there I saw incompetence and this is a top hospital. I couldn't imagine what would go on if no one stayed with her. She then went to a top rehab. OMG they didn't want me to stay but there was a huge snow storm so I slept outside of her room and managed to spend enough time to want her out. The facility was very presentable to visitors. On the surface the inames aspirated to be well casted for in a nice looking and clean place. But that was only on the surface. I felt like an undercover reporters getting the inside scoop by spending so much time there. The real truth was that my mom was ambliatory with a walker going in and they treated her like an invalid. The only time they allowed her to move around was during the 1hr of physical therapy. This was not healthy for her. All they cared about was liability of her falling. So instead of watching and helping her they made her bedridden. They were so understaffed that they took forever to help her in the bathroom that I would just do it myself. Long story, and red tape later we took her out. A few days layer I noticed her foot was swollen. Cut to back to the hospital she had a dangerous blood clot (dvt) no doubt caused by the rehab leaving her in need or a wheel chair unnecessarily. Unfortunately a lot of these places are holding pens. The care is not good and if a family member isn't overseeing, it's horrible
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Katie unfortunately a job as a CNA pays about $2 and hour more than fast food and is usually or can be full time and will carry benefits
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
yes, I am in the same situation....Mom (she is 86)lives with me and has a lot of health issues fell and broke her arm 2 weeks ago....it is a full time job, I am a slave as well..... I have no time for myself....I have meltdowns a lot.....last one was because she wouldnt attempt to reach over and turn off a touch lamp........stressful emotionally and financially............you are not alone....I feel like a monster too
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
The system is just wrong. You would think that people in this situation would look for other work, like a fast food drive through, where they can sit and take orders and not have the huge responsibility of caring for very fragile human beings. People in the nursing homes doing the hiring should watch for this lazy, uncaring attitude when they do the job interview! I am appalled at the throw away attitude given to senior's. If pets were treated this way organizations would storm in to the facility and it would be all over the evening news, yet our seniors are just treated like throw away items in these nursing homes. The facilities we used for rehab were rated the highest 5 stars on the medicare site too. One thing I did find is that the aides who did the best job most of the time were those going on to a higher level of nursing or already in nursing school and using the job to gain experience and for hands on learning. Maybe it should be a requirement of nursing school to spend some time in a nursing home for hands on learning. This is the way it is done in many other places in the World. It would weed out the people just going for the paycheck. This is just appalling how these seniors who worked hard and many went through the Great Depression and wars, are being treated. How is the Boomer Generation going to fare if this is the way it is now?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
But RSTORMFIELD, what happens after the overworked caregiver dies, then don't the people they were caring for have to into a facility after all? It seems to me that to suck the life out of anyone is evil and why should it be ok to abuse your children, no matter their ages? I don't think any person is anyone else's "lawful prey". To put it rather crudely, if you live to be old you are almost certainly going to wish you had not, but that doesn't give you a right to blame anyone else for your situation. This is a very imperfect world and it is very unreasonable to take one segment of the population and say "everything should be nice and cheery for them, no matter what it costs others." What about simple fairness here?
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Jawdropper - your post was really enlightening. I too wondered why I felt no emotion toward my mother - she might have been a person sitting next to me on the bus on my way home from work. I couldn't figure out if there was something wrong with me - but you put it very well. After a while, you just learn to tune it out, not wrong, just trying to get through the day.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
First off God Bless You! Your doing awesome and your a special person... I'm not sure you hear that often enough. I am in a situation a little like your in the fact that my mother is in between a nursing home and alot of home care. I am lucky that the whole family is around to help and she has a class thats important for her to go to a couple of days during the week. It helps her so much... Socialize, fun games all keep her from getting worse BUT its difficult to get her to go she fights us but once she goes she is great!! Its come to having to tell her the truth: if she doesnt keep going to class she will have to go into a nursing home. I think you should try the same. Assure her you are doing your best and if its not good enough for her that is the next step and you dont want that. Im sure thats the hardest part of being a caregiver... The thanklessness of it all!
You can only do your best!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
RSTORMFIELD you clearly had a very bad experience with workers in nursing homes. A big part of the problem is that a CNA can get a certificate in only five weeks and many women who are out of work are pushed in that direction when they are collecting welfare. These are frequently single mothers with more kids than they can take care of. They are exhausted when they come to work and just don't care. They are desperate about how they will pay the rent, repair the car so they can get to work, the power is going to be cut off next week. I can go on and on and am not making excuses for their lack of caring and compassion just stating facts as i have seen them. At other end of the spectrum are the older women again usually divorced or widowed or caring for a disabled husband or child. At one time they may have been proud of the job they were doing and gave extra kindness to their elderly charges but now they are overweight, their legs hurt and they can't face answering another bell. they may have such bad backs from all the lifting and should be on disability but they have been denied over and over again and they are still 3 years away from social security. It is the whole social system that is wrong. I don't know what your situation is or if you have seen how the poor live but i can only guess that your relatives got into a very bad situation and suffered. Due dilegence is necessary to care for our elders. Inform yourself and supervise your loved ones care. When you notice poor care stay untill the problem is rectified. remember it takes a village.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Rstormfield, this is the reason that many say to keep your eyes on your loved one when they are in a NH and to advocate for them. If something is not right, it can be brought to the attention of the care staff. If the staff knows that someone is paying close attention, perhaps they will, too. The task of being caregivers doesn't end when someone is placed in a facility. It just changes.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Everything is money in this world nowadays. For those who commented about my story let me just add something else. I do work in the health field myself and I go beyond my duties for a patient. My experience with my grandmother dying in the nursing home and being neglected just proves the fact that there is trash out there that does not belong in the field. They are in simply for the money, nothing else. You cannot tell me otherwise. Like they say, I was not born yesterday. A lot of people choose to go into a field simply for the money, nothing else. They killed my grandmother there in the Bronx and they almost killed my mother too. There is a mafia out there which I have confirmed. They protect themselves when it comes to these things. So, keep thinking about putting your elderly parents in a nursing home or an assisted living facility and you will certainly feel guilty and bad for the rest of your life.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter