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My 80 year-old mother has dementia and asks me the same questions over and over until I want to scream. I usually just answer the question like it is the first time she has asked it. Should I say "remember, you asked me that a few minutes ago" or just continue to answer her questions ?

She also sits and stares a lot. If I tell her to get dressed because we are going to the store, I will find her sitting on the bed staring. If I tell her again, she gets very upset and tells me "I am getting dressed!". Dressing to go out for an errand can take two hours or more. Should I keep pressing her to speed it up or allow two hours to get ready to go somewhere?

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I am in your shoes. I care for my Mother 24/7 with a few hours off each week to go to my business. I find that reminding her that she just asked does no good at all. It only makes her feel burdensome and vulnerable. We can not change the situation, only how we react to it, cliche but true. Try to remember that for her it is the first time. It helps me to think of her as childlike, or a person with a disability, in reality, she is both. I wouldn't snap at a four-year-old for asking questions, nor would I tell a disabled person to hurry up. I know how trying it can be, that's when I take a long bath, or the dogs out for a walk. We are not saints, but we have to remember we are doing the best we can, even when our best doesn't feel quite patient enough.
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I just want to say you all give such good advice I thank you all and god Bless you.
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in My Last Answer I am Already Discuss you about dementia Cause & Reasons.
Its Like A Diease in Which pateint Think About Future & Realise that Today is Tomorrow. The Best Trick to resolve..Spend Full Time With Your Mom & Play Games,Write,Enjoy Your Hobbies.Than You Can Divert Your Mon's Mind.
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My 7 years experience as a primary care giver for my wife led me to learn that her repetitive questioning mirrors her need to be reassured that she is not alone and that somebody "cares" for her to respond. Yes, it also takes me about two hours to help get my wife dressed. It's all in our job description. Good Luck! Gene Conrad
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My mil has dementia, is legally blind and reduced hearing. We have no option of writing things down or puting things in plain sight for her. Wish we could.
The constant repeating is irritating, for sure. I start out giving a full answer then find myself reducing it each time, until it becomes a worn out few words. If shes not too wound up, she will realize she is being a pain & try to stop. Usually has to go sit in other room & fall asleep or space out.
I sometimes temporarily distract her with watching birds or checking the mail.
My biggest concern is the fear that it is changing me! I am getting used to this slow repetetive conversation that circles around, never getting anywhere. My adult kids complain if I repeat a story one time . They treat me like I am the delusional one, sometimes! To them it's just funny, but it really gets to me .
After 3 plus yrs of living in her house 24/7 I am very tired. I can' keep track of news events cause she distorts them & adds to them so much! I try to laugh when I can. I just dont find it funny, as often as i used to.
Thanks for this discussion. At least i can vent here...:-)

I
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There are lots of questions that come up repeatedly, and I've learned to ask them of her, instead. "What day is it again? I forget." "Did you tell me what name that color is?" "What are we doing today?" ..

Of course there are the inevitable repeated questioning that aren't typical, and yeah .. answer like it was the first time, the touch thing is great .. so is eye contact. I often lean down and touch her knee and make sure she sees me. It's not that she really remembers the answer, it's more like it no longer matters. (Whatever works, eh? lol)
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konacaregiver, I've done plenty of layperson research. I've discussed my husband's dementia with his internationally acclaimed dementia specialist at the Mayo Clinic and internationally respected sleep specialist, as well as his award-winning geriatrician. Hubby is donating his brain to further research (when he is though with it!) We both care very much about getting to the bottom of this disease, even if it won't help the current generation of victims. I took a year off of work to arrange to use these care providers, to research, to haul hubby to endless appointments, to carefully titrate one drug at a time under a doctor's supervision, and to deal with the huge, huge stacks of paperwork for insurance and aid. I am now back working full time (from home) and also caring for my husband 24/7, through all the ups and downs of his roller coaster dementia. I respect Ruth's beliefs and practices, but I don't share them all. And I respect your right to make up your own mind about how to care for your loved one.

But, by golly, please do not casually throw around words like lazy, scared, uncaring, and too busy in front of me. Until you have walked a mile in my mocasins, kindly refrain from speculating why I'm not doing a better job on this journey.
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It's definitely a tough path we are all on when dealing with any kind of dementia. I sincerely hope your husband improves. But I still think you have to live in the present and deal with your loved one's current reality.

I'd be so happy to see my too-thin husband want to eat that I'd keep the sandwiches coming, but I'm sure that is not universally applicable. In your situation perhaps you can avoid discussing what he does or doesn't remember in the immediate past, and focus on what is going to happen next. "I'm planning to make a snack for both of us at 3:30. Can you help me fold some towels now?" "It's almost time for your morning exercises. Let's wait and see what you feel like eating after the exercises." If you don't think he should have another sandwich just yet, perhaps it would help to come up with a different reason that "you've just finished eating one!"

As he improves, you can change your approach. But right now he can't remember what he did 10 minutes ago. How are you going to help him re-learn reality?

My husband's type of dementia (LBD) is characterized by cognitive fluctuations. What works in dealing with him when he is cognitively sharp does not work when he is mentally weak. I think you may be in a similar situation, in that your loved one's present state may not be his permanent state. All I can figure out to do is live in the moment.
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Thank you all for sharing. I too began experiencing the repeated questions a month or two ago and now realize the best way to handle it.
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My husband's three strokes in eight months have put me in the position of caregiver because of stroke-related dementia, so walking through the daily minefield is new to me. I now see how it's best to live in the loved one's reality if their dementia is a downward spiral, but I'm confused about responding in the same way when the dementia is stroke related, since there is the hope that healing may bring improvement. Would it be better then to try to help him re-learn reality?

If the more appropriate thing is to respond to each incident as if it is new, what do I do when the situation is that he asks for, say, a grilled cheese sandwich five minutes after he's finished one, because he's forgotten he's just eaten one. This can go on all day. If I try to explain that he's just eaten, he gets frustrated. When I've tried keeping the sandwiches coming, I eventually have to stop, because he doesn't seem to get sated.

Thanks for your advice.
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To konacaregiver - I can only speak for my client. Her live-in caregiver is trying to keep her as drug-free as possible (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!) and takes her for evaluations frequently. People who patiently love on and care for those with Dementia are anything but LAZY in my opinion!!!! :-) As to addressing the cause of the Dementia; I am a nutritional coach, and have my clients using coconut oil along with a lot of supplements to keep their brains healthy. I am not allowed to coach my elderly clients, although I have asked the live in caregiver to begin giving our little lady coconut oil in small doses, eventually working up to 3 tablespoons per day. I also had her start on a large dose of vitamin C (starting with 1,000mg to go up to 5,000 over a bit of time). She needs vitamin D also, but the family is super reluctant to use any natural means to help their mom. Sad state of affairs. I've been trained in Dementia care, and do a lot of research on the disease. My thoughts on where this originates may not be something anyone here wants to hear. I avoid aluminum in all forms, use of the microwave, and practice dismissing toxins from my cells daily. I use massive amounts of coconut oil, and take exceptional quality supplements daily. Prevention is far easier than cure, as far as I'm concerned. But you cannot impose your nutritional passion on anyone who is not open to listen or change. In direct response to your very direct question as to why people do not want to take the next steps into really finding out the cause - that is a common issue. Have you ever seen a Diabetic at an all-you-can-eat buffet? An obese person at Starbucks? A person suffering chronic fatigue having coffee and a donut for breakfast? Someone with depression neglecting their vitamins? Yeah - so many people don't get to the cause of a problem to solve it once and for all. In the case of caring for a relative or spouse with Dementia; I would tread super lightly in accusing one of being lazy, or not caring. Those who frequent this site are the walking wounded, and require our support, encouragement, and gentle advice. This is my opinion... having coached and counseled quite a few people! Oh, it bothers me a great deal when I read about the number of elderly people who are taking 4, 5, 6, 10 different medications. But until I've been in the shoes of those making the decision, I can only suggest that there may be a better way. My question is always "In which chemical do you believe yourself or your loved one to be deficient? Is it possible your body or their body is deficient in a mineral, vitamin, or nutrient instead? Or is it possible that there is the presence of toxicity?"
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After reading all the responses to Kaygwon's questions, I am troubled that none of you questioned the doctors about whether the drugs are the problem or did any research. Why? Why do people not want to do take the next steps into really finding out the cause? Lazy? Scared? Don't care? No time? Why?
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Today my client was sitting at the kitchen table, where there was a little Christmas tree her daughter had brought. I lost count (wasn't really counting) of how many times she asked me where the tree came from. Probably asked every 45 seconds for half an hour. Maybe not quite that much - but it felt like it. It's fascinating when she does that.
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Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, & who was left? Repeat! That is all - day after day, year after year. Patiently, sweetly, maybe even a little contriving...
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No. Getting upset or angry about repeated questions just upsets you and makes her feel bad because she won't understand why you're frustrated and irritated with her.
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Before my mother was officially diagnosed with dementia, she on occasion and then more frequently repeated a question to me or a statement. So, I would say " I just told you that" or " You already said that". I was not understanding what was happening. Once I found out, it no longer became a problem because I understood what was happening. It is true that the reason the same question is asked is because she did not "get" the answer. It did not stay with her, even for mere minutes. At first it drove me crazy repeating over and over what we are doing for the day, where we are going. Now, no problem. It has become a part of our conversations and that is that. You must understand that the problem is as much yours as your mother's and how you deal with it will affect both of you. She cannot change the way she perceives what is happening, but you can. Just take it a step at a time and keep a sense of humor. Occasionally, I get a smile with "I asked you that before, didn't I?" And, I smile too. I also find myself repeating words, phrases to others in conversation without even thinking about it. Hopefully people will understand. If not, who cares??
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The best thing that I have done was to find this support group thanks so much - the stories shared and expert advice is very helpful
Rose
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The best thing that I have done was to find this support group thanks so much - the stories shared and expert advice is very helpful
Rose
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It is very important that we preserve our own sanity. Sometimes, with my wife, I simply give different answers -- not in a cruel way but just to break the sheer frustration of it all. Of course she does not resent it because any answer is as good as another. Often my answer has nothing to do with the question but that is OK, too. We must recall that no matter what we respond the same question is just around the corner. Or one can answer the question with another question,
i. e., "I want to go home." Answer, "Just as soon an I finish mopping the floor." Or, "Sure but I don't remember the address, what is it?"

Just remember that no matter what answer you give, you will get the same question again in a few minutes." I love my wife without exception and she knows it. It is just that she can't help it.
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My experience with Repetitive questions - most caregivers will experience this and it can make you feel like screaming but -- best thing to do is to just answer the question for the umpteenth time in a loving voice and a smile to match. Then get them interested in something else. We have to remember that they are not well and the questioning is part of what is happening to them.
Getting dressed ...... When my mother got distracted while trying to get dressed...I would help her get dressed and joked with her all the while, always telling her how beautiful she looked. She would laugh and primp. This would keep her from getting into a bad mood about having to get dressed because she always seemed to get side tracked. Blessings to you Kaygwan.
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Ruth's answer sum's it up in any dementia situation or any social interaction,
"SMILE" and Groundhog day is just the perfect movie analogy for what they wake up to each day, if it's the same it's comfortable, they know what is going to happen next it becomes habit, not an action from memory. Another movie analogy is E.T. when Elliot does something or feels something E.T. has identical emotion. So if your in an angry most likely they will be. If your Happy etc.
It may help to know that real old habits dye hard, for example every time my Mom goes to bathroom she washes her hands to this day. She reads the signs on the door to find her room, or the bathroom, but never for get to wash her hands. They moved her room at one point so that took about three months of confusion until she got used to everything opposite direction.
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I'd give anything to have my mother back, questions and all. The reason they keep asking the same questions over and over is because they can't remember asking them. No, that's not exactly it. They don't log it in to start with, much less have something there to retrieve from their memories. They can't log it in. This may help in some cases: when answering or conveying any bit of information, get down on their level, eye to eye, hold their hands in yours, and speak the answer and ask them to repeat it right away & talk about it - make some sort of word association that has meaning for them. Then, maybe, just maybe they will remember next time.
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His family is loaded with lawyers; all love to look the other way. I finally took the bull by the horns and called his Uncle... a retired atty and judge. Time to call in the troops.
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After learning from my mom's situation I have concluded that, most of the dementia suffered by our elderly parents is DRUG INDUCED. The main culprit drug is the CHOLESTEROL-LOWERING drug and possibly even some of the HBP drugs. We took our mom off of Lipitor and actually minimized her drug therapy as much as possible and switched her to vitamin and herbal supplements instead. I also instruct all doctors to BACK OFF of prescribing any drug to my mom. They are too toxic to the elderly AND there are NO clinical trials to show that they work on the elderly. No, my mom did not regain her memory so we answer her questions patiently. We also have to make her food, bathe her and clothe her because she does not have the strength or ability to do all those things anymore. I strongly believe that the drug therapy that she was on for 3 years RUINED HER QUALITY OF LIFE. She can still use the bathroom on her own and she can eat on her own and she still does carry on small meaningful conversations with us and I think that that would not have been possible had we kept her on those drugs. If you want to take your anger out on anyone, start with the DOCTORS. They've been LYING a lot about Cholesterol-lowering drugs and did you notice how heart disease is still the number one killer even though 50 million people are taking those drugs.? What a scam!
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Lots of great responses to your question about repeating same questions and such over and over again. It is very taxing on the caregiver mentally with the repeating of verbalizations. Your best bet is to answer the question like it was the first time you heard it. If your loved one repeats something that is inaccurate try not correcting them. Think of it as dancing. They are leading you in the dance. Another way to look at it is to let go of your reality and enter their's wherever they may be. Park your reality at the curb per se. To help with the stress caregiving will cause try to find outlets for yourself. Look for a support group in person or online. Take time to do things that YOU enjoy. I wish you strength, courage and happiness with your loved one in their days gone by.
Deanna
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kaygwon,

Unfortunately this is a common issues in many elders who have or are developing Alzheimer's and Dementia. Here is a great article that deals with elders repeating themselves and how to not get to frustrated.

What To Do When a Parent Repeats the Same Things Over and Over
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-repeating-the-same-story-146023.htm

You might also want to look at the following article. I think it would be an interesting read and have some tips you might be able to use.

Is Alzheimer's Behavior the Patient’s Problem…or the Caregiver's?https://www.agingcare.com/articles/alzheimers-bad-behaviors-impact-caregivers-148184.htm

Best of luck with your caregiving journey,

Karie H.
AgingCare.com Team
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I want to pop in here with my two cents worth - as anyone who knows me knows I am prone to do. My current main client has Dementia, recently made worse by a fall she took in the night. I can count on a few things happening daily. She reads the same newspaper headline at least 20 times and asks me if I've read it, and she asks me about the weather, and how far my drive will be, probably 20+ times as well. She has Dementia. She repeats. It goes together. If she had Crohn's Disease and her stomach hurt - that wouldn't surprise me either. I wouldn't offer her super spicy taco soup if she had Crohn's, and I don't correct her, as she has Dementia. My answers are short and to the point, and very cheerful. I find it helps a LOT if I answer her with a big smile, with my hand on her hand. Something in the touch makes a different connection than just the words. I find different ways to answer the same question for my own sake. "It's about 35 degrees outside right now." "It's COLD!" "I think we may hit 40 today" "The birds need little ice skates this morning." I may say these literally ever 5 minutes from 11am until noon. I think of it as Ground Hog Day (the movie). But after several answers including touch, she settles down. She may even repeat to me, later "It's really cold out today, isn't it?" That's when I know I sneaked into her brain through a little crack. Also, since I tell her every single shift what I am going to do (stay with her all day while the live-in caregiver is gone, then take off for home), she says, almost on cue "And you're taking off!" when the caregiver arrives. It's hilarious. Patience, patience, patience. For her, every single time she asks it is the first time. Consider what you would feel like if you walked up to a clerk in a store and said "Where's the bathroom?" and the clerk shouted "AGAIN????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? YOU JUST ASKED ME THAT!!!!" You'd feel shot down and insulted, not to mention confused. Don't shoot the wounded! Don't shoot! Like the words in the song "I'm Not Me Anymore" say - "There's a thief running lose in my head. A thief who won't stop 'till I'm dead". Gentle words + smile + touch. You win. You'd laugh if you saw me get 5 inches from Rose's face and smile and tell her for the 1,000,973rd time "I'm going to be here until about 6, when Arlene gets back, and then I'm taking off!" Wait for it - the next question "So, how long does it take you to drive home?" ahhhhhhhhhhhh that's one I'll hear over and over and over. I say it 1,000 different ways. For me. Not for her. All she knows is I'm that patient person who comes in and we laugh a lot.
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I think one of the things I try to remember with my Mother is to be kind and gentle... It does not help her if I get angry and lose my temper. She does not want to be difficult. The other day I referred to her in the 3rd person saying the woman who raised me would not waste anything... Her response was priceless she said without hesitation you have driven her crazy... I did not respond the way I wanted to I just said OH Really... I wanted to say as my kids would have, It was a short drive Mother... Some times I think we have to find the humor in the situations and realize they cannot help it!!! She does not remember what you told her or she would not ask... take care
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Look, you need to be patient or get someone else to help care for your mother, she has no control over her dememtia, they will ask the same questions over and over that is part of demetia, not her fault, just answer again no matter how many times she asked and no don't try to speed up things when getting ready for something, you will just upset her more,like I said if you can't handle this on your own get some outside help, my mom lives with me and I understand it can be stressful, but you either have to deal or get some help with her,lots of hugs
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MarylandMom -- Al-Anon and a lawyer!
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