Are there counseling services for senior child taking care of an elderly adult?

There's hope..when we can still find humor

Anonymous - Thank you! (BTW - I nearly choked on my coffee when I read my post and saw that error!)

GGsGirl...You have to laugh to keep from crying some days, right? When I saw 33rd joint replacement I about lost my breath. You are a robot! All kidding aside...Best of luck with your surgery.

**THIRD joint replacement. My phone stutters with numbers - bah!

**third joint replacement. My phone stutters with numbers -bah!

anonymous - I, too have RA and my Mother living with me. Keeping your emotions bottled up doesn't help the stress/RA symptoms. Glad you have a good therapist, and come here to vent - we understand! I'm heading to my 33rd joint replacement next month. Looking forward to better mobility so I can get my mother out and about this Spring. I have to tell you, your comment about bathroom privacy had me laughing. Here it's the cats looking, and my mother doesn't bother shutting the door. One day my grown son stopped by - didn't faze her one bit! Take care!

I can certainly relate. I have a great therapist who let's me get things off my chest and tries to help me come up with solutions to problems I having with family, ect. I rarely get to go anywhere and at one point couldn't even use the restroom with any privacy. Having your dog looking at you is one thing, but your mom looking at you is another! I have my own physical health problems along with anxiety and depression. I have a caregiver who comes in 8 hours M-F so I can go to my medical appointments. I have been out of work for a few months due to my health. When I was working, my anxiety and stress were through the roof because even though I did my job well, I always put my mom first. My boss didn't like that I wouldn't or couldn't come in early, stay late, work weekends. So my anxiety and stress increased and it effected my health. My brother who is retired and his wife moved right down the street from us, "So he could help with mom!" Yeah right! That every other weekend never happened. Guess that was just so I would help them get a house. When I ask for a free weekend, they can't because she has to work and he has to watch the dogs. Watching the dogs and my mom is too much for him. Its more like he can't stay sober. My other brother and his wife aren't an option because they stole from my mother. I try to find things to do with mom outside the house while she's still able, but it's getting harder to find. She talks through a movie which is disruptive for others, there aren't a whole lot of plays, she doesn't want to play board games. I have Rheumatoid arthritis, chronic fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, depression. I have already had two joint replacements and can't hardly walk in the mornings. I am very calm with my mom and love her dearly. By the end of the day, I want to beat my head against the wall.
I have a tendency to bottle my feelings up and am trying hard to work on that. Not toward my mom since she can't help how she is, but with my brother and mom's caregiver.

Mslaw...you have the heart of David...touched me! I do think if the person u are caregiving is cheerful and appreciative...it makes a big differience! I love to help mom..but she talks against me to her friends and finds fault with me and everyone else..the judgemental holier than thou towards less fortunate hurts my heart and spirit...sometimes I hide and cry

I am 81 years old and mother who lives with me is 107 years old. I don't have an answer for you, but I do know the need to talk to someone who is doing the same thing that we are doing. I would like to start some sort of support system where we can share our thoughts the good & the bad(smile). explain how we cope with different situations as they come up. I take care of mother without help from the outside by choice. mother is such a delight to live with she is a very active and happy person. she recites poetry and loves to joke and dance. I consider it such a blessing taking care of mom. Yet there are times when she will continue to clap her hands which sometimes I get very nervous and wish for some sort of outlet. I found that singing & working with my computer, dancing helps me to cope when mother has a bad moment or two. mommy does not sleep much and everything must be very neat. so I am constantly cleaning. When things begin to really bother me. I say "LORD PLEASE COME BY HERE I NEED YOU" it helps me. Then I sing, dance and make my self happy and think how blessed I really am at this age to say Mommy I love you and hear her say I love you back. We sleep together, eat together , I dress her pretty every day and thank God for this beautiful women; MY MOTHER!

Caregivers are often depressed afterwards. They had a 24/7 "job." as a caretaker. When their loved one moves into assisted living, the caregiver is left with nothing, no job, no friends and no life. Many well-meaning people don't recognize that the end of caregiving is like death. You need to mourn this phase of your life. Moving on is not easy.
First, you need to see a physician for a check-up and to see if you are sufficiently depressed for an antidepressant medication. Then you need to get your financial house in order. Be sure to secure your housing--that is your top priority. If where you live is too expensive, find a smaller place. Then get a copy of your credit report to see your credit score, You are entitled to one free copy per year. annualcreditreport (not sure of the address). Then find the mistakes in it and correct them. Lots of info online on how to fix credit report mistakes, You can do this yourself or get your daughters to help you. Then try to reduce the monthly payments on your debt, You can do this by asking for am extended payment plan. If debt collectors are calling, don't give into their demands. Most debts fall off your credit report after a few years,
You might want to do something small for yourself everyday. Take a walk, clean out a closet, wash your hair, even smile at a stranger. But do something every single day,
I wish I could suggest an easy to recover from being a caregiver. But I don't know of any magical solution. I only know about putting one foot ahead of each other. If you are in reasonably good health, you might find out about opportunities for companion care, lots of elderly people are lonely and need a small amount of help to remain in their homes,
Good luck, Let us know how you are doing in a couple weeks or so,

Check with your local Agency on Aging,. Most communities have both support groups and more formal support networks for caregivers.
Alzheimer's Association has info and there may be groups in your area supported by United Way or a local Hospital.

This is to Balaji: everything you wrote sounds beautiful story, but this is not real according to real life:
As I primary and only caregiver for two years I can tell you that:
1) not everybody were created equal to take charge of an elderly person, not everybody has PATIENCE, understanding and compassion. This qualities need to be cultivated .
2) In my case: I asked over and over again for help to my adult younger and financially affluent to stay with my mom, so I can go out, they ignored my requests also I asked my two adult and professional daughters for help and also ignored my requests.
3) I got two part time caregivers. It was even harder for me because when they finished their shift, my mom many times went into rage due to her personality plus dementia .
She is in asst living now, doing well .
I live without regrets, emotionally I am a mess , i have financial hardships because I did not work to supplement my social security during 2 1/2 yrs of taking care of my mom . I am 70.

I can relate to each one of you!..
I took care of My mom, 92, feisty and with slow progressive dementia for 2 1/2 yrs. I did not sleep at night . She has been in an asst living for one year. I am still recuperating from depression and chronic fatigue.
You can find caregivers support groups by calling community centers, senior centers, churches, even online sometimes you can find a group.
Best of luck to all of us !

Hi vpaleno, your parents are really lucky to have you take care of them. Firstly be proud of what you have accomplished already. Later in life, you'll see this phase with satisfaction. I do hope other answers help you with finding a counselor. But from my personal experience, I would like to offer you following suggestions.

1. Make the extra effort to love your mom and be kind to her, irrespective of the enormous pressure you are under. Any resentment towards the care-receiver by the care giver dampens the single biggest positive we can draw from this - that you were there for your parents when they needed you. It might be hard, but please do try and make the most of the time you are spending with your mom.

2. Treat yourself to a break everyday. You deserve it. Tell your mom and everyone that you want to spend some time everyday for yourself and I'm sure everyone will understand and support you. Care-giving is an extremely high-pressure full time work.

3. Ask for help. If you have asked someone before, ask again. Or try other's who haven't been helped before to pitch in now. Remember being a primary care giver is predominantly about taking decision and bearing the burden of responsibility. But not all the small things need to be done by you. Delegate things to others as and when possible. "Why am I doing this particular thing?" is the single biggest frustration in care-giving. See if you can delegate smaller things and think of yourself as the manager of this care-giving project.

Good luck and to repeat, you are doing something that you'll be very proud of, later in life. Just hang in there and ask for help from others starting today, as if you are starting care-giving all over again.

Honestly, I think counseling helped save me. Lots of mother-toxicity issues from my early childhood on. The counselor asked me a very important question... "When your mother is behaving that way, how old is she acting?" That was an eye-opener! I have been going for a few months. I am also taking a mild anti-anxiety drug. This forum also was immeasurably helpful. I wish you well. Counseling costs can be high, so I hope you can find some financial assistance. I am fortunate to have good health insurance.

Possible leads to find a good therapist/counselor: Check w/your doctor-s/he might have a referral. If there are nursing homes/assisted living facilities in your area-they usually have a social worker--if you can speak with that social worker, s/he might be able to give you some referrals. There are websites that have listings of therapists but you need to screen them carefully--ask specifically how much experience they have with senior citizens and caregiving issues. If they don't have the expertise, ask if they have any referrals. Look at your health insurance program and see if they have a listing for counselors. Be sure to ask how much experience they have counseling seniors. Some counselors accept some insurance plans and/or Medicare. Medicare MIGHT cover some of the costs. It's a time consuming process for find a good counselor/therapist but well worth the efforts. Good luch.

Sorry about any typos in my post.

I've read through many of the comments here regarding caring for our elderly parent(s) and it is quite helpful having this resource. I too am in a similar situation. After my Dad passed in September 2010, my Mom lived on her own for about 5 months. It was until that time when she had carotid artery stunting done thatbInknew she could not be alone after recovery. I thought it would be temporary that Inwoukd be back home caring for her. I have a sister that is widowed and one year younger than me. She was not accessible to come and stay to lend any help, although she did help our parents from time to time when they flocked to Florida for the winter. There was something in it for her then but since my Dad is fine things have changed. So I am here caring for my Mom. I work full time and fortunately that is 10 minutes away. My husband is 6 blocks away so that is also convenient. He stays with my Mom 3 days a week while I work. I hired a MA to come one day a week. My sister comes 1 day a week. After I come home from work I prepare dinner and take care of my Mom and the household chores. Grocery shopping is usually done over a couple days a week during my lunch break or a quick run after work. I never get to go out and do shopping like I used to. Forget social events because the only people I have to watch Mom are the ones here all week. They do not seem to think I need a break. They get to go back to their own lives and never think about time so need too. My husband is retired and also in disability for back issues. He is limited in what he can do physically. He does this out of the kindness of his heart for my Mom. We have been married 38 years. It's hard not having my "own" life anymore. I especially am disappointed in my sister who does not work and has no husband or children. She is not involved in social group either. She has a lot of issues. She is narcissistic. I feel frustrated a lot because I can't just go out on a Saturday morning for breakfast with my husband or lunch with a friend. Forget shopping or dinner out. It's work 9-5 and back home to care for my Mom and the house, plus our cats. Thank goodness for them. Mom enjoys them and so do I. Times I do get to go out, I take my Mom. But that's not a real break. It requires bringing the portable oxygen concentrator and wheelchair. It's a lot of pre planning to be sure she has oxygen at all times. Some days she isn't feeling up to an outing. I have a son who is serious about his girlfriend. Her parents have including us to come to family parties especially around the holidays. It's been a struggle to go sometimes because my Mom is a home body and has never been a social person like me. I feel trapped a lot. I have family on the west coast that I used to visit but knowing I cannot just pick up and go, and it's very depressing to me. I have two grandchildren (4 & 6) that I miss dearly. Fortunately I was able to convince my Mom in 2012 to go to see them. Her health was so much better then. Traveling is out of the question now. It seems like one thing after another lately. October Mom was hospitalized for a UTI, then in December back again for pneumonia, advanced issues with her COPD and Congrstive Heart Failure. She made a full recovery and was doing well until last week. She has shingles now! I feel so bad for her. She cannot get a break nor can I. But I'd rather have her here in my life than to be dealing with life without her. Maybe that's my saving grace. But I do need repute and don't know how to get it with having to hire someone for it. So having the support here on this forum is so important. I would like to know what other support is out there for care givers as well.

Oh, add to last post. Yes, she was difficult a lot of the time. The personality gets rigid around coping mechanisms and protecting pride as the person loses more capacity. You can't take it personally, but its in your face all day! Luckily for me, she was also very sweet and I had memories of her being a really good Mom.

I took care of my Mom for one year in my home with my husband. It was so hard on my hubby, since Mom probably wished he was not there. She was polite, however. Anyway, I was already very involved with her care before that while she was in assisted living. Taking care of her is one of the best things I've done. She died last week. I am so glad I made the end of her life safe and pleasant enough. But, I don't know how I would get through many years of that. My admiration to those who do it for years. Its hard work and my social life went down the drain in the first few months. And, my "work from home" was insignificant output, as her needs increased. I don't know how to re-enter the work force, but I feel incredibly satisfied that I gave back a small amount of what she gave me. I think the social system is the problem. We need to set up ways that elder care is valued and some kind of financial aid for it. There needs to be a more compassionate way that we share care of the elderly. I don't know how it would really work, but I do think it could be possible, especially if young adults could volunteer as part of college credits? I know it sounds wacky, but there has to be a way for the society to create a safety net. Also, the elderly really need company. When I would go out and leave her, I did not feel that good about it. Maybe for a few hours, but its so lonely for a person to be left all day. Dogs don't like it, nor do people unless they have a really good hobby they can still do. I'm running on, sorry. :)

I have been researching for six years. Nada in this neck of the woods. Fees start at $125 AN HOUR, which I do not have. If I had $125, I'd hire an in home aid to get five hours of sleep.

My therapist is about my age. She now has at least 3 clients dealing with this problem. Without giving identifying information, she shares stories of common struggles and feelings and solutions. For example, one woman refused to have a person in the home as her companion. They had the caregiver continue to come, because "some made-up reason." Before long the woman was looking forward to visits from her "friend!"

I am as lazy and selfish as a person can be, but I also feel a "duty" to care for my husband, who is a pain in the ass but not a bad guy. I found (find!) myself resenting and resisting care-giving tasks, and making them harder for myself as a result. One task at a time, I am trying to accept that it is now my job, and I am the only one who can or will do it. Turns out that if you don't fight it, setting up his CPAP every night is actually a simple task! Duh!

I have a lot of resentments left over from the days when he WAS perfectly able to take care of himself, but wanted to be waited on. I'm not a bad person for having those resentments. I engage in guerilla warfare with my husband and young adult daughter. I am responsible for delivering the TP to the bathroom, but I will be DAMNED if I will put the roll into the holder. I get a kick out of my absurd passive-aggressive hostile act, and it doesn't cause me any problems if it never goes into the holder.

You are not alone. Any decent therapist without Mommy issues should be able to hear you, let you vent, and only then suggest strategies. Dump them if they don't. A therapist is a bit like a boyfriend. You might have to do a little shopping to find the right one.

If Mom is and has mostly been kinda toxic, consult a care manager to find ways to limit the hands-on caregiving you have to do. She will NEVER turn into the person you want her to be. She will NEVER appreciate you and all your hard work. She is probably nicer to strangers than she is to you, so let strangers do more of the caregiving. Hugs.

Join the group. So glad you are asking this question on this site where most all of we caregivers are having the same feelings. You are not alone. Talk to you priest, pastor, or get professional counseling which can be found on a sliding scale. Ask in your area about such services if you are low on funds. Medicare does have a mental health benefit with you paying 20% if you have no other supplements. Hang in there. We hear you!

vpaleno, welcome to this life-saving site! I discovered it over two years ago after moving my mother into my home (short-term memory loss & other medical issues). You will find a lot of understanding and support, as well as excellent advice. I have been fortunate to have compassionate medical personnel - both hers and mine - who have helped with the myriad aspects of caregiving. The suggestion of a church organization is excellent, as is the Agency on Aging or other non-profits specializing in elder care. I have a good friend in the same situation, except her mom is still in her own home, and the support we give each other is wonderful. Anyone who is or has been a caregiver will understand and have something to offer - I have found that there is a commonality in caregiving that overrides our differing situations. Carol is spot-on about the grief and loss, and counseling can certainly help in coming to grips with the emotions you are facing. You've taken a big step in reaching out. You are not alone in this journey. Good luck - HUGS - and stay in touch.

marymack, I don't know if the siblings realize how trivial their concerns seem to the caregiver. Your sister is afraid your mother will ruin her floors, while you're more concerned caregiving will ruin your life. Your brother thinks the airport is too far. Maybe he should be the one going to Florida. How silly siblings can be.

Bjdoyle same here. Havent dated since 2009. Ma doesnt want me outta her site. If i go out an hour she calls my siblings and tells them ive been out all day. And to boot wont talk to me. Im getting ready to fly with her to florida so she can see my sister for two weeks and my sister is worried she will pee on her new floors. My brother said he cant take us to the airport because its too far. Yet he goes away every weekend with his girlfriend. Im suprised i havent cracked. Havent found any good caregiving therapy. Good luck to you.

Oh! I Understand!
Please-please go to altzheimers.org and look up caregiver support groups. There is at least one in every area- the groups will be of your peers- and the similarity in stories will amaze you. The support, and caring I've found has made this bearable- and made me feel less alone. No one understands unless they have been through this. This same website can get help for you 24/7 (an 800 phone number) with the counselors that will listen and support. Good luck!

I started caring for my dad and mom 8 years ago. Dad passed away 6 years ago and mom moved in with me. First mistake, I should have made her comfortable at a assistant apartment and resumed with my life. It's been 8 years since I have had any time for me. Mom don't go anywhere and don't want me too. I've been single for years and met someone 4 months ago whom she knows nothing about. She's going to be ugly as I know she wants total control. Cared to bring him home or even let her know of him because she will be ugly with her mouth and ruin the happiness I'm feeling. I want my life back. Mom is narsisstic and yes I have family but no help.

vpaleno, as you can tell from the responses - which will keep coming - most of us truly do know what you're feeling. Support groups do help, and even here online we hope we can give you some relief. However, a few sessions with a counselor would be excellent. If you can't find one who seems to have specific knowledge in caregiving, you can still benefit. You may want to look for someone who does grief counseling since part of what we deal with if grief and loss - of our own lives as well as that of our loved one.

I applaud you for understanding that your need to talk it out. Journaling helps many people, but you also should reach out to someone who can listen to the way you really feel without you holding anything back.

There are terrific suggestions on this thread so I hope that you'll take time to read it all.
Take care of yourself!
Carol

Many, many hugs in sympathy. I wrestled and still wrestle with it sometimes. My situation is about like yours. I am with my dad 24/7 because it's more comfortable for him. I understand the strangers in the house, too. My friends mostly evaporated when I quit the social scene. Invitations to visit me at home just weren't interesting enough or, more likely, scared them. A friend gave me a book of daily bible quotations and it helped me to realize that I couldn't change the situation so I'd have to change myself. I look on this life as another chapter, who knows how long, in becoming a fully mature individual. I use the Internet, have redeveloped some hobbies and am generally more at peace with myself. It took time and lots of self-talks to get over the "when am I getting my life back" internal conversation. It takes a lot of will power to do this job; congratulate yourself, and, if you can afford it, hire someone to do the cleaning, etc once in a while. It's a magic lift, and you can spend time with your family member. Good luck and bless you.