Crisis. Again. What do?

Thanks in advance to everyone. I am at my wits end dealing with my 71 year old mom’s problems.

Mom and my two brothers live in northern Illinois. I live in Florida. Mom lives independently with her husband who has moderate dementia. She is his primary caregiver. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, etc., managed with a lot of medication.

Last summer mom fell and broke her ankle. She eventually had surgery on it, after which I flew in from FL and stayed to care for and husband for a week. My younger bro stayed with them the following week. Things seemed ok.

Crisis! Mom then became quite ill but refused to call the doc. Things got so bad that she had to go to ER. Severe kidney infection. I worked and worked to set up home health for her. She hated it. I coordinated it all because she refused to answer the phone. It got so bad that she told us she thought she was dying. I was able to get a tech to come to the house and do blood work. Tests came back clear. Likely a reaction to antibiotics. I was exhausted from dealing with all of the scheduling and being her go between, but I wanted to help.

Crisis. Mom goes for a follow up for the ankle. It isn’t healing properly. Sees specialist who had to redo the surgery. There is a possibility of needing to fuse the ankle or even amputate. surgery goes pretty well. mom wants to go home where she has no support, we somehow convince her to go to a rehab facility. This all happens over Christmas and New Year,

Crisis. Mom hates rehab. Falls at rehab (she denies falling—says she tripped because they had a bunch of stuff in her room). Since it’s the holiday, we can’t get her released until the first week of the year.

Crisis. No one can pick her up—I convince her to talk to my uncle (her brother) and get him to take her home. Meanwhile, her husband has been taken to stay w another daughter out of state. Mom comes home to an empty house, but actually does ok. Goes to follow up for the ankle and things look great. This was last weekend. I stupidly feel optimistic.

Crisis. She now has extreme chest and back pain. Back to the ER. Admitted. Days of tests. As of today they think it’s a compression fracture in a vertebrae, likely from a previous fall. throughout all of this I am talking to the home health company, care coordinators at the hospital and nurses, keeping the family up to date. Difficult because I also have a job and demands of my own life, but since I cannot physically be there, I figure I should take on the responsibility.

Tonight, I am talking with my bro’s about what we can do when mom is released. She likely will have a procedure to help stabilize the fracture and assuming they get her pain under control, send her home. It’s likely she will need someone to stay with her. Older bro says his work schedule is too unpredictable and he cannot stay with her. He lives about 20 minutes away, but even stopping by at the end of the day to check on her is a challenge for him. Younger bro lives two hours away, but he is a pet sitter and if he is away from his area for long, he essentially cannot make money.

Which leaves me. Again.

I understand that everyone has lives and issues, but I am quickly seeing a pattern that I am the default to deal with things. I am really trying, but nothing I do seems to help, and I don’t know how much more I can give. I am worried about traveling in the height of a pandemic. This is causing stress in my relationship. The week I spent at their home in Nov left me feeling drained. I thought I could work remotely from their home, but neither parent would leave me alone long enough to do any work or take a call.

I feel trapped. I feel like with each crisis, more is being pushed on me, and it’s like a hole I cannot get out of. I have built a life that I love here in FL. I do not want to give it up. I am trying to help, but it never seems to be enough. I don’t know what to do and I hate living like this.