My father had a stroke at the beginning of the year and was severely affected. My boyfriend and I, both mid twenties had moved in temporarily to help, and it is obvious to both of us, as well as all of the doctors he has seen, that he needs full time, 24/7 supervision, which we cannot provide as we both work full time.
We recently bought a house and moved out, but still are going to have to go over and provide him dinners probably every night of the week....forever. He has an aide in the afternoons, but even then he is a clear and present danger to himself. He has to go up and down stairs to let a dog out, refuses to accept the danger in doing so, drops cigarettes and cannot find them, is legally blind, etc. However any talk of more care gets you screamed at about trying to lock him up, how we can just go, etc.
During his last hospital visit it was brought to my attention by a nurse, so I dont know how accurate it is, that because I am his power of attorny I could be legally responsible if he becomes hurt....even though the hospital has deemed him mentally competant to make decisions and basically said I have no options to give him help he doesnt want. Is this true?
I'm thinking I will have to call his caseworker from the state behind his back to really express my concern but I'm scared of what might happen then. If they don't decide to move him somewhere, he'll be angry and probably outright refuse any more help from me. If they do take away his rights and move him to a facility, he'll never forgive me. I'm scared there might be a chance he'd lose his afternoon aide as well, as I know the company she works with will not help individuals who need multiple caregivers.
I guess I'm just overwhelmed. Part of me wants to be cold and let him make his own bed and help within much needed boundaries, but at the same time I don't want to leave my father to fall down the stairs or set himself on fire or some other horrible thing. Literally there is no talking sense, I've tried countless times.
Any advice is appreciated.
Also, do you have a durable PoA? In some states there is a difference. In MN "durable" means if your LO slides from right mind to dementia, you won't have to prove your dad is incapacitated in his decision-making in order to continue as his PoA.
I applaud your compassion for your father, he is compromised by his stroke and understandably in a fearful state as this is not how anyone imagines their senior years to go. Not sure you can do anything about this except to assure him you love him and will do what you are able to help him get the best care for him. You are not responsible for his happiness.
Does he have financial means? If so, and if he is willing, maybe set up a food service. Can he still work a microwave? Would he remember to eat?
If he doesn't have financial means then have a conversation with social services. Honestly, it may be a no-win situation: if he gets what he wants then you have to be worried about his welfare and possibly be responsible every day for some level of care taking. If you were my child I wouldn't want this for you. Yet if you operate in his best interest and find a care community for him, he may be apocalyptically angry with you, but at least you won't have worry eating at you daily. You will need to decide which one you can accept more. Wishing you a satisfactory outcome.