My Dad sometimes remembers Mom has passed but often he forgets. Sometimes he asks if Mom is in the hospital, and other times he asks if she has died. He has some dementia, he forgets some things, but not others. In many ways he is still himself, and we can talk together. He is so loving and caring, as he was to my Mom who passed away a few days ago.
Will this change? How do I handle it?
We sing, we pray, and talk about how Mom is happy now in heaven, no more sorrow, no more pain. Each time though, when Dad forgets, he cries, and I cry and it's like starting the grieving all over again. I think of it like this: finding out something traumatic every hour. I feel for him, and cry for him too and for the loss of my Mom, and it's like I am grieving twice, for I grieved when she first got Alzheimer and never knew it would be so hard when she passed.
It seems sad for him to loose his wife over and over and that is what is happening in his mind.
If he asks to go visit her, tell him that she can not have visitors just yet or gently change the subject.
Ask how they met...where they went on a date...what was the wedding like...where did they go on their honeymoon there are all sorts of things that you might learn.
Will this change..maybe.
As he declines he will begin to loose verbal skills. And you do not know when that may happen. So talk now, record what you can. And when he repeats things over and over while it may be annoying now remember there may be a time when you will long to hear his voice even if it would be to ask the same questions over and over.
I think with time, your father will accept that your mother has passed. I think you're handling things very well.
After she passed, my father's memory also began to play tricks on him. He had many moments that he would ask us why she hasn't been saying anything (she lived in Ontario, he lived in Montreal). We would simply make something up not to make him hurt even more. It was bad enough when he did remember and he cried in his death bed where he was trapped in his body until he started to decompose before he even passed (last month).
It was, and still is, so sad and so very difficult. There isn't much we can do about it except to try to accept that we are practically helpless in these situations. The only thing we can do is give our loved ones comfort and try to help them in whichever way we can.
We cannot feel guilt, it's not our fault.
All the best!
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