He is angry all the time at us to just leave him alone. He has a catheter all the time now but heart is good - no other medical issues. he just lays on the couch or in bed. will not participate in physical therapy or try to even sit up. eats little, drinks when he wants to but not a lot.
he is pleasant to visitors, but yells at his children to leave him alone.
i feel like maybe i should leave him alone if that is what he wants. the strain of arguing with him constantly to eat or move is just stressing both me and him.
any suggestions?
I'm sure it's not pleasant for them knowing the inevitable will happen (sooner than later). It's sounds like he's depressed and, unfortunately, people of that generation (men, especially) do not like to "talk" about their feelings or what's on their mind. They get depressed, withdrawn and/or angry. I'm sure your Dad didn't want to end up with a catheter in his golden years and he's irritated about his limitations and situation.
Again, individuals of his generation think depression is a "crazy person's" disease and they won't talk about it and many times refuse medication for it. They think they're just fine. Unfortunately, there's little you can do to convince him otherwise.
Take IloveMom's advice --- visit often, keep it short (unless he WANTS to talk), keep it upbeat and cheerful. Maybe take him for a bite to eat if he's willing. Change up his environment every now and then. Hang in there. {{{{HUGS}}}}
To soothe your worries, tell yourself you will try it first of all for a fixed period. Say, a week. During that time cover only the basics - access to food, water and assistance, as he wishes - and otherwise leave him in peace. Then if all is well you can carry on without worrying so much; and if problems crop up you can deal with known issues instead of beating yourself up trying to cure his whole life (you can't help wanting to, of course, but can't be done).
Don't feel guilty about it, either. OTs and dietitians and other professional rehab people would have us believe that if we work hard enough our elders will cast aside their canes and walk once more. Well, not necessarily. And anyway I'm sure that sometimes they only make the effort so's they can get out of rehab and not have to listen any more. At 87, your father's entitled to have his own way and ease back on the moral fibre if he's had enough of it.
Whether he likes it or not you are his caregiver so do your duties. Set a glass of water down beside him and then leave him alone. Put some fruit down where he can reach it then leave him alone. If he wants to be left alone, leave him alone.