Long story short. Dad lives alone in PA. He is 85. I live in FL. I am an only child. My mother died in 2018. My dad took care of her till the very end.
Dad is in very good health for his age although he has had lifelong depression issues. At the end of 2021, he was admitted to the hospital for a blood pressure issue which got resolved fairly easily. Yet, while he was in there, a nurse gave him a Short Blessed Test--a 2 minute cognitive test--which he failed. In PA when this happens, the doctor must immediately alert the DMV, that then suspended my dad's driver's license. He can only get it back by taking a neuropsych test and passing it. He failed a cognitive test way back in like 2010, which obviously was a false positive--which tells me this recent test could be bogus too.
When he learned about the Dec. 2021 test failure at the beginning of 2022, he was enraged. He thinks he got screwed. He wasn't even told he failed it until he got out of the hospital, allegedly--I wasn't there.
Well, now I'm here in PA with him. I came up as soon as he told me. His appeal date regarding all of this isn't until April 22. Luckily, I can take my work with me, I'm single, no kids and I've been driving him around for the last month. I give him 2 hours a day for father/son time.
Yet, the very first time I told him I had to do my work and couldn't go out for breakfast, he took the keys and went out anyway. He was gone for 3 hours. When he came home I tried to talk to him about it and he just keep obsessing about how the hospital screwed him in December. He claimed he never said he wouldn't drive despite not having a license--which is a lie. He says he is not going to allow them to take his freedom. Seriously, he is a guy who up until this time would go somewhere every day. To see his friends. To the park. Just for a drive. Because he gets horrible cabin fever.
Do I believe he is a safe driver? Yes. Does he manage his own finances? Yes. Does he manage his medications well? Yes. Any signs of dementia or anything? No. He can recall what he ate yesterday, who he talked to, etc. Even if his primary care doctor believes he is capable of driving safely. But I could never expect him to use Uber or Lyft.
However, I am now the one trying to get him an appointment so he can take another test, all the while he sits doing a crossword puzzle. And it's clear, he will lie to me and do whatever he wants no matter how much I help him.
Should I just give the car keys to someone, go back to FL and let him figure this out himself? Because I am losing respect for him second by second. Really, I think he thinks because he took care of my mother for those years that I should do the same for him. The difference? My mother really was virtually helpless and never put up any fight with the help my dad gave her. She was thankful. Him? He's a teenager.
Limited to where they can take him. If it is a for profit place, no go.
Clearwater, it reads like you did an excellent job of being his Advocate. While he raged at the unfairness, you found out the facts, who to contact, go the right wheels in motion.
If I was psychic, I might say there may be more of that in your future...
You've had a good test-drive on Advocate Road.
As for for that *he took care of Mother so you will need to take care of him the same way* plan of his. If that is a dead end street, signpost it now. "Dad you were MARRIED to Mom. I am not married to you. Never will be".
Go further & explain you won't be his nurse, maid or cook & certainly not the royal bottom wiper! Tell him now or save that for later.
What you WILL do is if/when gets gets too old & dodery you'll help him pick out a nice room in the old people's home.
Keep up that bumper sticker "Me son - not maid"
If you feel you can't deal with his actions and it is damaging your relationship, leave and go back to your life. If he isn't going to change what difference will you have on his actions?
He can still get out every day as there are so many easy and affordable options from ride-sharing companies. It may not be the same freedom as he had before, but he would avoid any criminal activity and be able to have an independent life.
This is not to say dad is cognitively impaired or that the hospital did not make a mistake; hospitals make mistakes all the time; I've seen very shoddy care handed out to elders, my mother among them. If their issue is not Covid related where the hospital can rake in $100K, they want the elder OUT OF THERE asap. Whether your dad was 'screwed over on purpose' or not is another matter entirely. Elders have bad days themselves, suffer from hospital delirium, and DO answer cognitive exam questions wrong. Which causes them to fail a quick mini exam in short order.
Just a word of caution about considering your father fine for life now. Don't do it. Don't ever think an 85 year old man is 'fine for life' because he never is. None of us are, actually, b/c we're all mortals and as such, subject to illness, both mental and physical. Be on alert for when dad needs you again. Don't get lax b/c of this incident with the hospital who dropped the ball, is my point. Visit dad as often as you can and keep him in your radar at all times.
Wishing you all the best of luck moving forward.
This past Monday, March 14, 2022, my dad went to a neuropsychologist. The doc gave him all sorts of tests for like 2 hours. Dad passed virtually all of them--no problem. My dad got his driver's license back today after bringing the doctor's paperwork to the DMV.
All of this makes me believe even more now that someone at the hospital screwed my dad over on purpose. Somebody who was just having a bad day wanted to make someone else miserable too.
I told my dad, "From now on, if you have to go to the hospital, please go. But you do not take any more cognitive tests there. You don't need one. And you can't trust the results anyway."
He is relieved. I am relieved.
I would make sure and have DPOA, DMCPOA and HIPAA paperwork in place for dad. This will give you authority from FL. to monitor his hospital stay, including testing.
Many people get hospital delirium that clears up once they are home. I find any mental testing in a hospital atrocities, people are sick enough to be hospitalized and not functioning as normal. To make these types of decisions is self righteous by incompetent medical staff.
This is the BS attitude that makes medical errors the 3rd leading cause of death in the USA. Very much a "who gives a damn" attitude that results in death and destruction for patients and their families.
Your dad is very blessed to have you as his advocate.
Love Clearwater. Such a lovely, quite place to visit.
Let’s hope that with a break, you will feel better about him, and he will work out how to live his own life. Best wishes, Margaret
I have gotten him an appointment with a neuropsychologist on March 14. My dad is already negative that he will not pass whatever tests he is given and he's convinced himself he will never get his license back. Which of course depresses him even more.
I am going back to FL on Monday. I've resolved that I've done everything I can for him. He has people he can call to help him out with rides here and there. But he is very depressed. Negative. But he's been that way for a long time.
Over the past 5 weeks I've noticed how he can just turn the charm on and off when he wants. Negative in the car. But when we get to one of this favorite spots, he'll be Mr. Personality with the waitresses or whoever. I'm kind of over it. I feel like he is trying to guilt me. I just feel like he is trying to pull me down to wherever he is as well. And when I don't agree with him, he gets nasty.
He's the one who says he can do everything. Okay. I guess we'll find out.
When my grandson's license was taken away for epilepsy the State of NJ requested his license be returned to them. When it was reinstated my grandson kept putting in it was suspended which comes with a fee. Found out he had to say it was a medical reinstatement.
I would encourage you to reframe 'losing respect' to understanding dementia and finding compassion. Perhaps you need to step back. This is never easy, esp with someone like your dad who is able to handle do much of her personal needs, and does crossword puzzles.
He will resist. Consider how difficult this change is for him, being so independent and the helper to another.
Are you his POA ?
That he would drive without a license is saying a lot - although this is not unusual. (My client called the police on her son - he had to call the police to tell them the situation (dementia, calling AAA to fix the car).
Ultimately, you will need to do what you feel is right although I would caution you to put your anger and frustration aside and do what he needs, even if he kicks and screams. With all this said, I have a client who is now 102 and just stopped driving at age 100. She still lives alone. Very independent.
Consider if possible, getting him a roommate or have a care giver come over regularly, if not daily, to check in on him. Be sure he cannot drive the car; legally he shouldn't be, of course. Although you also do not want to risk him killing or injuring anyone, including himself.
Realize too that you likely cannot 'talk common sense' to him 'anymore'. He will not accept it and you two will end up arguing (or he will / you shouldn't engage in arguing, understanding his frustration). This takes training on your part to step back and hold back when you want to tell him what he needs to hear or argues with you. Sometimes the best you can do is reflective listening and stay neutral. Giving him 2-3 hours of your time per day seems kind to me. I would try to find someone(s) to 'replace' you when you leave / return home.
What are his options? Move into ind living situation? Get someone to move in with him? If you are not his POA, sometimes we need to sit 'and watch' what someone does that is not in their best interest. If you are his POA, you want to do what will keep him safe and realize he will be MAD or upset with you. He will be very frustrated. Ind living / assisted living sounds ideal so he can make new friends. I sense he would quickly being as sharp as he is. Although fighting all the way.
Let me know how it goes.
Gena / Touch Matters
- who requested he be given a cognitive test back in 2010? If he failed it why wasn't his license suspended back then?
"The Short Blessed Test (SBT, Data Supplement 1), sometimes called the Orientation-Memory-Concentration Test, is a weighted six-item instrument originally designed to identify dementia.35 The SBT evaluates orientation, registration, and attention. It was originally validated on patients in a skilled nursing facility and active community-dwelling senior citizens. Results were correlated with senile plaque burden on autopsy, but not against biomarkers, amyloid tracer uptake, or performance-based parameters of dementia that have recently been recommended for the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease.1,5
The SBT has demonstrated excellent reliability with scores generally within four errors of their original score within three weeks of testing."
source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3080244/#:~:text=The%20Short%20Blessed%20Test%20(SBT,originally%20designed%20to%20identify%20dementia.&text=The%20SBT%20evaluates%20orientation%2C%20registration%2C%20and%20attention.
Also, in 2 different medical incidences many years apart the medical staff felt it necessary to give him a cognitive exam. Don't you think there was a reason they'd do this?
I suggest you stop trusting what he is telling you. He may sincerely believe it is true, but sounds inaccurate. This would be a symptom of dementia, as is his obsessing and paranoia, as well as his poor judgment in taking your car and driving with an invalid license. He is 85 and so dementia is certainly possible. I would verify that the info regarding the license suspension is true by calling the PA DMV and then verify what it would take for him to have it reinstated. If it turns out he does need a neuro psych eval, then make sure you go with him and stay in the room and be there when the doctor reviews the results. This is the only way to know for sure what's going on with him. It may be very eye opening for you. It was for me when I did this with my MIL. Once you know with certainty what his cognitive abilities/diagnosis is then you will know what you're dealing with and can make better decisions as you help him.
In 2010, it was due to the insurance. In Dec. 2021, I was told, eventually, by the outpatient coordinator that they did it because he displayed behavior that caught their attention. So they say. Granted, I'm not around my dad much but I've talked to many people who are over the past two months and they're stunned. Even a friend who lost her husband years ago to Alzheimer's has told me there is no way my dad has it. And she sees him like 3 times a week.
I've even gone to the length of talking about the book he is reading on his Kindle then going to his Kindle to check to see if remembers what he's reading or is he just making it up. And he is describing the book accurately.
I have verified the info with the DMV and they've actually sent letters to my dad to that effect. He failed a test. If he passes one, his license will be reinstated. And to be clear, it was his car that he took, not my own.
And I agree. There needs to be a witness to the proceedings when the test is done.