I want my father to come live with my family and I. He has MS. He is only 66 and I cannot foresee him staying at a nursing home so young. However, he does require a lot of care. I would need a “medical” home health company to deal with his bowels. (He uses a catheter and suppository). I would also need help with transfer. The cost of the home health would be around the same as the nursing home. My dad's sisters both told me I should not do it. I should keep him where he is at. But I feel like he is mentally and physically declining being at the nursing home. He suffers from depression and is not motivated in any way. He wants out and wants to be with me. How do I know I make the right choice?
If, as RiverNomad says, you can get 8 hours of (competent?) care a day for $5,000/month, that means that YOU will be on duty for 16 hours a day, every day of the week. Are you assuming you have the training to handle all the duties of caring for a disabled person?
There's a reason why nursing homes have multiple people to help with transfers, bathing, dressing, feeding, and diaper changing. It's because multiple people are needed to do those tasks. It also helps prevent injuries. Have you figured out what you'll do when you hurt your back, because you will -- I guarantee it. What happens to Dad then?
I wish you'd listen to your aunt and try to focus on improving Dad's quality of life in his current situation rather than martyring yourself and causing more upheaval for him when it doesn't work out.
The short answer to your question is this:
Listen to your heart. Like your intuition, it’s going to be right more times than it’s wrong.
Evaluate what others write or say, by imagining their thoughts from the perspective of their experience and circumstances.
The longer answer is to be informed. The following comes from my experience:
You are observing the decline of your Dad’s mental and physical wellbeing in a facility because what you are seeing and sensing is what is happening.
If you love your Dad deeply and enjoy his company, have the means and ability, have the desire, are creative, and believe you’re up to it, why not consider having your Dad live with you?
Of course, caring for someone you love with medical and mobility needs at home is not easy. Far from it. It will be overwhelming at times.
A foundation built on shared love is what can help make it work.
With $5000, it is possible to pay independent home health caregivers, at $20 per hour, for 250 hours per month. That’s a little over 8 hours per day, seven days a week.
All facilities are in business to make a profit. They accomplish that by keeping a tight rein on expenses. Since building and utility expenses are mostly fixed, costs are primarily controlled in the areas of staffing and food. Less cost to feed and care for your loved one results in greater profit for the facility.
The majority of facility workers, the people who are directly in contact with your loved one, are paid minimum wage. The turnover is constant at every level of staffing, all the way to the top.
This industry-wide model makes it impossible for any of the staff to have a sense of personal connection with your Dad. Just as important, the facility model negates the crucial development of anyone having an intuitive understanding of your Dad’s ongoing, and evolving, specific needs.
Not too difficult to imagine your Dad in soiled underwear for hours because that’s what happens every single day, at every facility, including hospitals, if he can’t use the bathroom on his own.
Infections will be the inevitable result, leading to increasing antibiotic use and dosages, which will become less effective over time, leading to use of progressively more powerful antibiotics.
Avoid urinary catheterization if possible. Seek ideas online, and always obtain professional advice from the highest rated urologist in your area. Healthier alternatives may be available.
Every single thing done at most facilities can be done much better at home with intelligent observation, attention to detail, and being dedicated.
Not everyone is cut out to want to do that, and have the necessary abilities and level of commitment needed. But some people are, like me, and from the sound of your post, likely you are too.
Google:
- How to hire home health workers
- Caring for a loved one at home
Check out Care.com to place your own ad and find listings of people in your area with the experience you need to help care for your Dad.
Require verifiable proof of flu and Covid vaccinations. You should also require proof of current First Aid and CPR training by your local Red Cross or equivalent. The cost for these certifications is minimal, and shows professional dedication to caregiving. This may help save your Dad’s life or prevent worse outcomes. Your goal is to find people who are into caregiving. They are out there.
Listen to others, but follow your heart. Plan well and give it a try.
If it doesn’t work out, explore Adult Foster Care homes, usually run be a family that lives in the home.
I promised Mom, without her ever asking, that as long as I was alive she would never live in a facility. And she never did.
Mom died two years ago, at home, as I held her hand.
She was the most unconditionally loving, amazing, generous, and inspiring
human being I have ever known.
I am grateful and lucky to be her son
I will always love and miss her
My sister worked with another psych nurse who developed MS. I met him at her funeral. His attitude was so positive that I felt ashamed I wasn't as strong. He even joked that he'd learned very well how to crawl on the floor. And he was serious.
I still feel shocked, and humbled, when I realize how strong and adaptive he was.
I don't know though if medicine has advanced to the point of providing more relief, but it's something to consider, i.e., exploring the progression of the disease, and consider how to handle it if he is at home.
It wouldn't surprise me if your brother is declining at the nursing home. It's also something to consider, and analyze, i.e., the reasons for his decline, how and if you could compensate.
Whatever you decide, I wish you not only luck, but success, as much compassion as is needed for both your brother and you, and of course strength.
Relaying accounts of resilient and inspiring people we have met or know about is a way to honor them and inspire others.
I would add that there are many helpful medical associations with websites specific to every condition out there, including Multiple Sclerosis.
There’s a lot of great advice from people who have had similar experiences on the internet.
This Aging Care website is remarkable, one of the best I’ve found for all aspects of caregiving. I have begun contributing thoughts from my own experience as a way to Honor my Mom in her Afterlife.
A local Council on Aging will have listings of the many sources of financial and other assistance your Dad is eligible for, including various aspects of home health care. If your Dad is a veteran, there are additional sources of assistance.
Insurance will pay for a lot of in-home care, as well as assistive devices and equipment such as walkers, canes, wheelchairs, and lifts. Used equipment is available for free, to borrow, or at minimal cost. Doing the research will help significantly.
I believe Medicare is paying for more home health services now as an alternative to more expensive ER and hospital care.
And a last thought to pass along to everyone, in order to illuminate a little more deeply into our souls, is to listen to the studio versions of Garth Brooks performing “If Tomorrow Never Comes” and “The Dance”
Do you have a family of your own?
What you plan on doing is I think a sweet loving thing BUT it is going to take a LOT.
Is your house even set up to care for someone?
Stairs? Roll in shower? Wide halls? No carpeting?
If you work will he be home all day? or will you have caregivers there all day?
If you have children please do not expect them to help care for grandpa. That is so unfair to them.
If you have a spouse will they be taking a "back seat" to dad? That is unfair to your spouse.
If you have a problem with the facility where he is then look for another.
Is he in a Skilled Nursing facility or Assisted Living? Does the facility have both on the same grounds? If so and he NEEDS Skilled Nursing can they bring him to the AL part of the building so he can participate in some activities that will occupy him. OR if you are willing to hire caregivers hire someone to come in as a companion and spend a few hours with him several times a week. He would have some company, socialization and still be where he can get the 24/7 care that he needs.
I think that being successful in a facility is all about making the mental shift to accepting his disability and thinking of it as an apartment with extra benefits (and many of them are exactly that). Being in your home isn't going to fix his feelings about how his life has turned out, and it can't possibly equal the amenities and staffing levels of even the poorest facility.
If you decide to go ahead with this I encourage you to think of this as a probationary trial with a clear exit strategy that is understood by everyone if things are not looking rosy after a predetermined time, say at 6 months? Then plan on reevaluating often or you may find your life (and that of your family) revolving around his needs for the next 20 years.