<p data-uw-rm-sr="">It had been a long time since I was able to see my mom who suffered a serious fall a few years back (due to my own health issues). I finally was able to see my mom this last week. She’s endured so much, but most awful, she got sepsis not long ago. It seemed to me to be very serious, so I told my dad I wanted to hop on a plane asap. He told me not to because doctors said her case wasn’t serious (come to find out, he later slipped that she almost died; he obviously just didn’t want me to come). I already had a trip planned to see her, so with his assurance, I decided to wait. The visit was something I’ve been dreading for awhile as I’ve been scared to see my mom in such an awful condition. She’s been bedridden and suffered mild memory issues ever since her fall.<p data-uw-rm-sr="">
<p data-uw-rm-sr="">Meanwhile, my sister, who lives in the same city as my parents, has suspected my dad of cheating. While I think that’s awful, my mom’s health has been my top priority and I just couldn’t even think about that. I regret that now after visiting. My mom’s rehab home was shockingly dirty and overcrowded. My dad makes good money so I was surprised to see the place he chose for her. I’m aware of how expensive and hard it is to find care, but this place made zero sense. On top of that, he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t see him the first two days I was there. And then I discovered a receipt that showed on one of the days he was unreachable, he purchased a $1,000 sapphire necklace. There’s no way this is for my mom as she’s not worn jewelry since her fall years ago, and she told me he quit buying her presents years ago.<p data-uw-rm-sr="">
<p data-uw-rm-sr="">While he deserves happiness, my
mom deserves proper care and affection. Her dementia got worse with sepsis and she started having sundowning outbursts - upset believing she was in a prison. But she’s also had tons of moments where she’s incredibly lucid, and during those moments, she’s only worried about where my dad is. She even made a “joke” that he got a girlfriend. I never affirm this because I know she needs only positivity in her life right now. I just assure her that he loves her - despite everything I’ve witnessed to the contrary. As I mentioned in a previous post, my dad is controlling of her care. He won’t let me have any say. But based on things he said while I was visiting, he has no desire to invest in her rehabilitation. I see her trying and wanting to get better, and I believe with the proper care she can. She’s not even getting the chance. But she still loves him and I have no rights. I’m sickened. I don’t want my mom to know he has a girlfriend because it would break her. I love her so much and all I want to do is help her heal and cheer her on and be a positive influence. But after a week of being with her, which was amazing, I had to get back to my house and to work, which is states away.
<p data-uw-rm-sr="">My dad is pure negativity, and I don’t see my mom getting better with him in control of her care. I’m lost. As with any story, there is so much more to this, but the main gist is while he may deserve happiness, my mom deserves the attention and care she was promised “in sickness and health.” He says he can’t afford better care, but then he drops $1,000 on a necklace. By the way, he has no clue I know about his girlfriend. If he did, I worry even more about his reaction and how he would punish me and my mom. I’m wondering if my mom would be better off divorced because I’m watching her diminish before my eyes because of a lack of care. But how can that even be a thing without her being of sound mind?
So, if this is temporary, you can try to find her a better SNF to rehab in, or think about how many days she has left to go? And, is she being considered for long term care placement in this facility? If so, nuh uh. All she needs to do is get stronger to go home, that's all. But, will dad care for her once she gets there?
This situation requires you and your sister have a sit down talk with dad. Leave OUT the girlfriend and the sapphire necklace, otherwise you'll lose him right off the bat. Men think with their small head, and you need the putz to think with his large head right now. What's the LONG TERM PLAN for mom, dad? Only THEN can you possibly interject with your own ideas for her care. Dementia, mental illness, and things of that nature do not improve with time no matter HOW much physical therapy a person has. Her Sundowning may improve once she's back home, but that's not a guarantee either.
There just are no cut and dried answers for brain issues, unfortunately. Or cures, either. I have had a central nervous system/brain disorder since Feb that no doctors or neurologists could advise me on. When or even IF the intense dizziness, vertigo and loud ringing in my ears/hearing loss would subside. Not every medical issue has a pill or a fix that we humans are used to getting.
What you want for mom is proper care once she gets home, or for her to be placed in a managed care residence that's clean and well run. They are very expensive and Medicare does not pay for them. Medicaid is an option if she qualifies, which is part of the discussion with dad about what comes next for mom.
As disgusted as you are by his philandering behavior, which I agree with you on, just ignore it for now bc it's not germain to moms CARE moving forward. That's all you need to be concerned about, and how you and sister can help dad with this load. If you approach him that way, he may see a bigger opportunity for HIMSELF in your offering of help. Get my gist? Appeal to the selfish pig in him.
Best of luck to you
And the fact that he in fact can afford better help for your mom but doesn't provide it is disgusting! And that he's cheating on your mom is even more disgusting.
Any man or woman that cheats on their spouse just because they are sick physically or mentally are assholes in my book. So quit trying to sugar coat it by saying that your dad deserves to be happy and call it like it is. Your dad's an ass!
He should be the one filing for divorce if he doesn't want to be in his marriage anymore, and instead wants a girlfriend.
And what kind of woman would even consider dating a married man who is doing the bare minimum for his wife, yet lavishing her with gifts? I mean any man or woman that would do that to their spouse will eventually do that to their girlfriend/boyfriend if and when they should ever get really sick as well don't ya think?
You may have to file for guardianship for your mom, so you can have the say about how and where she's being treated. I know that can cost thousands of dollars, but it may be worth it in the end.
And yes I would talk to an Elder Attorney to see what your moms options may be regarding getting a divorce. She does deserve SO much better than what your dad is giving her.
This is financial abuse of an elder.
See an attorney to protect your mother's assets.
Clearly the father does not want to be around his wife anymore. This is not unusual or rare. So what if he bought his side chick a thousand dollar necklace. Like I said in the comments, that's one day in a rehab facility.
The OP and her sister should sit down with him and talk. They should bring it out into the light that they know about his girlfriend and will be minding their own business as far as that's concerned. Their mother's care and health is the priority to them. He'll probably come around and let them be more active in the mother's care if he feels reassured that they don't think he's the "bad guy" because he's got a mistress.
This is a huge emotional issue for you AND for mom. I understand your upset.
But to make this better, you're going to have to think clearly and strategically. That means getting good advice. Probably from an elder law attorney.
Is Dad still working? You mention that he "makes good money".
Is mom on Medicaid? Has Dad gone through and elder law attorney and done a division of assets? (This is typically what is done when one half of the couple remains in the community).
Not all Medicaid NH are dirty. My mother's was cleaner than my apartment and provided good care.
Consider talking to dad about what steps can be taken to improve mom's care. The more you find out about their financial situation, the more you may be able to help.
Also, consider that Dad might be caught up in some sort of scam. Happens to A LOT of elders these days
Also, consider that NH Care, paid for privately, costs $12k PER MONTH. The fact that dad has $1k does not mean that your parents have the means to private pay for a non-Medicaid home.
They key, it seems to me, is getting mom into better care.
Well, first of all, instead of taking this for discussion on a Forum I would FIRST take this for discussion with you FATHER. Even BEFORE that, with your sister.
Step #1: You and Sister get together and decide how you will approach Dad.
Step #2: You and Sister APPROACH Dad and tell him just what you told us. You do not want to deny him happiness when his own wife has more or less disappeared into dementia, and are not there to judge him for infidelity. HOWEVER, your mother deserves good care and from what you and Sister can observe is not getting it. That you are approaching him not as his judge but as her advocate.
Step #3: Give Dad a week to think on this, then approach again to see if you two and he can come up with a good care plan for Mom's comfort.
If so, this is one and done.
If not, this escalates.
You and Sister would then decide whether or not to approach an elder law attorney. I would NEVER tell Mom, so if his interference demands that, that's an end to this and you hope for the best from this husband and father for his wife. But if you can accomplish guardianship next question is DO YOU WANT IT. It would be a massive job to get mom placed and care for, a division of assets and it would be a court battle you would be unlikely to win. So watch what you want because you would no longer have the option of being as uninvolved as you are now.
Realistically, I would guess, there is not a lot you can do other than make a plea to your father for decent care of his wife until she dies. Their marriage may have been over for a long time, and seems certain to be when his wife is no longer the woman he married.
I wish you luck. This is a tragedy. Not everything can be fixed. I hope you'll update us as you come together with your sister to decide how to move forward.
I will assume you do not hold POA for Mom. What you may want to do is consult with an Elder Lawyer to see if marital assets can be split. This way Mom will have funds for her future care.
As Burnt said Mom will not get better. Her Dementia will progress. Having a nice place to live and activities to keep her involved may help in slowing the progression, but it will progress. Every time she is hospitalized and goes to Rehab, you will see a further decline. If Dad no longer wants to care for her at home, if in Rehab, this is the time to have her placed. Dad is responsible for the cost of her care. There is no Medicaid until assets are split or Dad spends all their assets. To keep his half of the money, he needs to have assets split, see an Elder lawyer to do it. When Moms split is gone, then Medicaid is applied for.
We experienced something similar in my husband’s family.
My mother in law discovered a lump and went for a biopsy. It was non Hodgkin’s lymphoma.
She was devastated but did everything possible to go into remission.
Things weren’t looking so good and her oncologist sent her to M. D. Anderson in Texas for treatment.
She went into remission for five years. Unfortunately the cancer returned with a vengeance. She died at age 68.
My father in law did not cope well with my mother in law’s illness at all.
He couldn’t even convey what was going on to us. My mother in law thought that it was best to give her medical team permission to inform us directly of her condition.
Anyway, my father in law ran into an old classmate of his from Tulane University.
She was a widow and a volunteer at the hospital here in New Orleans. She and my FIL got together while my MIL was in the hospital for cancer treatments.
I would call the house and ask him to make out a grocery list for me to shop for and bring to their home.
He would say, “Oh, if you don’t mind. I would prefer that you come sit with Mom and I will do the shopping.”
I thought he may have needed a change of scenery so I stayed with my MIL while he was supposedly shopping.
He was gone for hours and would bring home just a couple of items in the shopping bag.
My in laws appeared to have a good relationship when my MIL was well. He went off the deep end when she became ill.
It was awkward and uncomfortable after my MIL died. I was extremely close with my MIL.
My FIL tried to force this woman down our throats immediately after my MIL’s death.
The woman bragged about how she comforted my FIL the night that my MIL died. She said that she held him close as my MIL was dying in the hospital.
That was way too much information for me to handle while I was grieving. I ended up in therapy to discuss my emotions.
My FIL’s behavior was so bizarre during and after my MIL’s death. My husband’s family was never the same afterwards.
Oh, the woman would not marry my father in law. They did live together for over 20 years until her death.
They both died in their late 90’s. I’m so glad that he saved enough money to live in a very nice assisted living facility after she died.
She did not want to marry and mix up finances. Louisiana is a community property state.
He was cheap with my mother in law but spent a fortune on his “companion.” He even called his new woman, “Sugar.” That was his pet name for his wife!
So, I can certainly empathize with the emotions that you are experiencing right now. Again, I am sorry.
I agree with the advice that Alva gave to you. That’s what I would do if I were you.
Speak to an elder law attorney to get some advice on this.
Wishing you good luck.
I feel sorry for our OP who is standing witness to this with not much hope other than to be allowed to see her mom and comfort her in all this. I understand that it's likely that Mom has created the bed she is upon, but still, this has to be heartbreaking for the daughter. To me the affair is nothing. Mom doesn't even know about it. But the fact he did the asset manipulation is awful.