I have been caring for my 87-year-old dad for over a year now. I am there EVERY day, all day. He lost my mom one year ago, and she waited on him hand and foot. He is totally competent although he does have a hard time getting around. He expects me to fill my moms shoes and do everything for him. Cook his meals, pay his bills, take him to appointments sort his medicine do his laundry, and spend every minute entertaining him. When I do try to go anywhere he makes me feel guilty with snide remarks like, "When are you coming back? How long will you be gone? OH I suppose the lines were too long and that is what took you so long!" I just feel like a prisoner. I also have a husband that has MS. I leave him every day to care for my dad. I just do not know how to get any relief... please help!!!!!
Your first obligation is to your spouse. Your dad can spend his money on professional to do housework and the like. If he has medical needs, you should talk to his doctor about what those are and have a caregiver coming in to address those.
What are your Dad's medical issues? Would Dad be able to budget caregivers to come in to help during the day? Agency caregivers are around $20-$30/hour, yes expensive. Or would Dad refuse any outside help?
Sometimes what happens is that we enable our parent to keep living in their home. They remain in their lifestyle while we need to change our own. You need to set boundaries now.... make a list of everything you do for Dad, and I mean everything... now cross off half the items, now cross off a couple more. Thus, when Dad asked for you to do something that has been crossed off, say "sorry, I can't possibly do that", and stand firm.
And cut back your hours. If you are a senior yourself, just be honest with Dad telling him it is very exhausting trying to maintain TWO houses. Sometimes that doesn't work, as in Dad's eyes you are still the child and he is the adult, you are still in your 20's or 30's.
I was lucky, my Dad was happy to have caregivers pamper him... then he decided the house was too much so he moved to senior living. First starting out in Independent Living, which cost around $5k per month. Yes, expensive but half the cost of having around the clock caregivers. He loved it there, zero complaints, and the best time of day was breakfast, lunch, and dinner where he could sit with his table mates :)
Gressecj, I have a feeling your Dad doesn't like being home alone, thus the snide remarks when you are running errands. It can be scary for an elder because they worry they might fall and no one will be there. That is understandable.
Hate to scare you on this, but around 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Terrible odds. So keep that in the back of your mind.
Let us know what you decide to do.
Can your dad get out to some nearby senior center, so he can re-establish some relationships outside of you? Most areas have some kind of senior center with activities. There are always a ton more women at those places than men. He might meet some nice ladies for companionship.
I agree you need to set boundaries and your first priority is your husband. You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your dad to explain that and work with him to find ways to meet his needs without upending your life (and your husband's). Good luck and yes, please keep us posted on how you're doing.
With an MS patient you really have enough on your plate. You must have a very good hubby. Without my cousins husband I don't know what she would have done after she was diagnosis with MS. He worked then came home and did it all. You are not going to be able to keep up the pace. Please don't wait to talk to Dad. Daycare may help. Mom got breakfast and lunch at hers.
Your Dad probably would move into VA senior living and lives for many more years. And your hubby would be by himself without you :( How fair is that? You need to do something now to make the changes or you will crash and burn.
I remember crashing and burning out of exhaustion... I developed cancer from all the stress. And I developed a lot of resentment toward my parents because they never had to take care of their parents, thus had zero idea what I had to do to help them remain in their house. This was before I knew there was such things as boundaries, and it was ok to use those boundaries unless you can clone yourself.
Can you sit down with your dad and explain that you must make some changes, and you two need to come up with a plan?
You really need to stop enabling your Dad, cut back on your hours with him. Then and only then will he realize he needs outside help or as your late Mom had suggested to you, "put him in a home", and boy was she right.
each and everone of of you for your answers. I'll try real hard to apply them to my and my Fathers life. I don't know how successful I'll be seeing that he's so stubborn but I'll try.
There is only one of you. You cannot care full-time for two people who both have genuine needs. And if you've got to the point where "when will you be back?" sounds like a snide remark instead of a perfectly reasonable question... you're overstretched.
Don't be afraid of looking at possibilities. Do some research into facilities nearby and see what's available that might work well for your father and for you.
The tables have turned. Your the adult now and he is going to have to accept things he does not like. He will put you into an early grave if you let him.
I just had a conversation with my elderly mom yesterday. She and dad are very close to the tipping point of being able to be on their own. It's getting dicey.
I don't ask any more, I tell her what's going to happen next. In my folks case I am going to order up in home services at the next sign of crisis whether they agree or not. I probably won't even discuss it with them. I will just call and tell that so and so is showing up tomorrow.
If they refuse, then I'm pretty much done. I'll work with APS to get them placed in a facility.
As my 97-year old mom told me over and over again, "I've lived my life, you need to live yours." Your dad has lived a long life with your mom. It's sad that she's passed and he's alone, but that's the way the world works. That doesn't mean he has the right to take over your life and take you away from your husband who has his own medical issues. Your dad isn't any more disabled than a ton of other parents on these threads. He's just got you wrapped around his finger through guilt and stubbornness. He's being selfish if you look at objectively.
You're the adult now. You have to make the clear-headed decisions that are in the best interest of you and your husband first and your father second. Right now you're putting your father first and that's not right in my opinion. You come first, your husband second and father third. Start cutting back - go every other day for six hours a day. Then 3 days a week for 4 hours...then two days for a couple of hours, etc. Taper off and let him see he needs some help if you're not doing it all for him.
Start planning for that now.
I know some people who are very pleased with veterans retirement homes/facilities. Are there any of them near you, and does your father qualify?
Seniors should not be taking care of older seniors. We just don't have the same amount of energy as when we were in our 30's. I found myself napping almost as much as my very elderly parents :P It really takes a village to get everything done.