Dad was suddenly deathly ill 3.5 yrs ago and now his heart has gotten a little stronger and doing much better...whew !!! However, his blood pressure, anxiety and increasing paranoia has gotten extremely bad. He is very resistant to aging (I understand this) but his is exceptionally paranoid about his money !!! He is 82 yrs old, and won't listen to reason that he needs to do something with his annuity that is in his name alone ... he also has ALOT of cash in his home and won't listen to reason to put it somewhere safe...he is also VERY paranoid about his monthly cash; I take him and my mom a LARGE amount of cash each at the same time each month...the only thing they buy is household food, a few odds and ends (maybe total $ 100) and go to the casino every wk or every other wk and play off only their winnings (less than $ 200)...so I know Dad is stashing it at home. He showed my son where it is kept 3.5 yrs ago but now he is paranoid and won't show anyone...what if something happens to Dad and then we don't know where it is ??? He is increasing forgetful, loses focus, doesn't remember important things to him (his grandson) and tends to get very very mean from time to time. I have talked to his PCP about it and he is starting to test Dad for memory issues; this puts Dad into a tailspin !!! Dad is starting to lose his hygiene (he never really did take showers or brush his teeth regularly) and he is starting to talk about goofy things/inappropriate things in public and at home to me...things I don't need to know lol...(about sex w/Mom-btw they don't ) or about his personal 'area'...and his reasoning on things is starting to be 'off'...I realize this is dementia, but dealing with Dad's resistance is harder than the actual condition, believe me !!! Since my Mom has Alzheimers 82yr old, I'm sure he is thinking that it could happen to him. The best thing that I did was talk with Dad's PCP about it, gave him alot of examples and now his PCP is trying to find out. Dad is on alot of meds for the last 3.5 yrs but this paranoia about his money is driving ME crazy...I am his DPOA and have done nothing wrong but his lack of trust is hurtful...I have explained this to him but he just laughs which is MORE hurtful...He also tends to get physically and verbally mean to my mom so I know I have my hands full with him. If anyone has some suggestions, or even comments I am all ears !!! I have also contacted his atty and he said to let him know more as it goes on...thanks to all who've read this and hopefully advise me at some level...this site really helps me get alot of insight into the Aging of my parents....
Don't sweat the small stuff. God Bless you and Happy Easter / Passover weekend.:)
Money was an issue for my folks as well. Eventually I was able to move all of their money into one bank, and the banker has worked with them every step of the way, including coming to their apartment for notarizing documents. If they have a banking relationship with someone they trust, that person might also be helpful to you. Wishing you success on this journey.
Although both of my parent's fathers maintained jobs throughout the 30s, they remember tough times. Times that none of us can imagine today, although who knows what is coming in this country.
The "poor" today get welfare, food stamps, and have cable TV. There was no welfare or food stamps in the 30s. Those who are in their 80s remember seeing people on the street going door to door looking to work for food. You don't forget that.
There's no such thing as secrets, so you've got to get the cash out of the house. It's endangering them.
But, I would definitely consider that there is no cash, that they are actually gambling it all at the casino. Dementia often removes the ability to control one's behavior, so if you liked to gamble, but always controlled yourself to using the 'house's money', that control is lessened or eliminated and you now gamble until it's gone.
Hygiene lapses, fits of anger, inappropriateness...your dad's dementia sounds like it's more advanced than 'mild'.
Does your dad trust his doctor? Send his doc a written explanation of your concerns. Be sure to include his violence towards your mom. Be clear and concise. "Dad rarely brushes his teeth. He goes for months without bathing. He has pushed Mom out of his way." Describe his behaviors simply.
It sounds like the time is nearing for a supportive living arrangement for your Dad. The sooner you get the ball rolling, the better.
The money thing is normal. My MIL has no trust of anyone. My hubby is the co-signer on her accts and such, but he has commented that he has no idea how much money she has or where it is. Thank goodness we talked her into seeing an attorney and setting up a trust. She just blindly believed after she died that the 3 kids would peacefully split her things. Finally I told her that the state would appoint a LAWYER to go through her drawers did she make the change. I'm sure mom has cash and stuff stashed all over the house. Luckily she is an extremely OCD person and her home is very organized and when the time comes, we'll deal. But, really, sounds like your mom's well being is at stake. I'd focus in her and not worry about the money right now. You'll find it all eventually--I just feel sorry for your mom. First things first!
My folks are very paranoid and secretive, they always have been. When the time comes we will be looking to have the court appoint an outside guardian. Given the circumstances none of us feel safe taking on that role. When that time comes they will be forced to liquidate. Sadly they will end up with a lot less than they could have but it should be enough to cover their future medical and living care. Meanwhile we are doing what we can to make sure they are safe. I have to try and be at peace with that.
You mentioned your son, does he say anything to friends? Have you told him and any other children you have to not broadcast this?
You could be putting your parents at risk. Hopefully you're mentioning on here is the only time you have said this to anyone, and I mean anyone. Including friends and neighbors and other relatives.
Reason doesn't work because he might not recognize his behavoir. A fire could take his money, might he consider a safe that you arrange to have installed and get a lock for? Some of what you may need to do is think around his behavoir.
The first person to diagnose my parent's that knew them and witnessed their denial told me I was going to have to "be sneaky." It felt disrespectful and I resisted for months. However, when they kept driving after their licenses were revoked, we hid the car. When my mom kept losing her purse, I opened up a new checking account that I could put money into and put the new checkbook in her wallet. This is tough, and even with the DPOA, you Dad can always undo what you have done--if he knows about it. I have lots more examples about how I managed through this time with my parents on my blog dealingwithdementia.org
Best of luck. It's tough!
You cannot reason with your Dad and as stated earlier, your Mom may not be getting the care and support she needs. We have also found an Alzheimer's support who's members have listened and shared their experiences. This has been invaluable for us along with a "Mom" pill we both got to help us deal with a stressful situation.
Did you include the fact that "he tends to get physically and verbally mean to my mom" when you talked to the doctor? This adds urgency to improving the situation. Even though your father may not be able to understand/control his inappropriate behavior, your poor mother cannot be left at risk. If the doctor isn't aware of this factor be sure to explain it as soon as possible.
Your mother is a vulnerable adult. It doesn't sound like your father is capable of taking care of her.
Please let us know how this develops. We care!