My Dad (89) spends his days sitting in a chair watching TV. He refuses most of everything. What can I do?

Instead of paying for a personal trainer out of pocket, see if the doctor will prescribe physical therapy. Medicare & health insurance will pay, and it does do wonders for the mind and body. Before the PT runs out, you can get an assessment from the therapist to use if you do want to continue on your own with PT or a personal trainer. You would at least had some of it covered, and come out with a written assessment for the next person to use. It's also a good benchmark in time, so if there is decline, you can measure it against something concrete.

Your father appears to still be grieving and at 89 he is aware of his limitations. It is both sad and frustrating to watch a parent slip further and further away. Sometimes, just continuing on without the person that has been the closest to them, must be very hard. My wife and I are facing the same thing, but her mother now 90 has dementia and often the same simple conversations complete with exact same answer are had numerous times in a short period of time and often right after it has ended it begins again. It is always new and fresh in her mind, but we may have answered it a hundred times. Patience, love and understanding is key to the situation. We are not made to last forever, so each of us lives the best we can, however we can. You need to find some friends you can talk to who share similar experiences because caring for an adult parent is difficult and challenging just as it was for them to care for us as we were growing and experiencing everything in life for the first time.

My dad is "only" 75 and spends 12 of his 14 out-of-bed hours a day asleep. The rest is TV. He used to do so much. Now, he empties the dish washer and gets the mail and takes the trash to the dump each week. That's about it. He can't make meals for himself anymore. My mother died a year ago. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. If I ask him an opinion, he always says, "It don't matter." Last summer, he had his third psychotic break (2004, 2005, 2013). He was manic and fully psychotic. This time, they wouldn't make him take medication so he was out of it for weeks. His brain was fried, and he can't think well, see well, etc. He's never had friends (me neither for that matter), and I'm the only relative who cares. It's so hard just waiting for him to die. I should be trying to make him better but I don't know what else to do. I give him psych meds to keep him sane but he's a zombie. Mom could also get him to do whatever she wanted. He just wants to do nothing.

I am not very e-group literate and appreciate Willow's input. I thought perhaps it was not good form to use paragraphs. I am prone to long writing, which nobody can find appealing without paragraphs (and then maybe not). So thank you Willow!

Seriously Willow?! My posting was meant for goodness which I typed on my cell phone. Rather one nit picks about paragraphs seems quite petty but you can't please everyone.

willows - I could not agree more! It's like running without breathing..

It would be very nice if everybody would remember to make paragraphs. It just adds to a person's anxiety to have to read a lengthy post without even one paragraph. Therefore, I didn't read the lengthy post above. Too much tension for me. Sorry.

Yes i agree with "let him be" hes lost his lifelong partner and cargiver thats very traumatic just be there for him and maybe later talk to his doc he is obviously depressed.
A death from what ive heard from neighbours is usually the start of a big decline with this illness. My mum was seperated from my dad for 38yrs she never moved on and when he died before xmas she has gone downhill quickly i suppose all the past coming back to haunt her and not the good stuff.

I say let him be and be there for him i tried so hard with mum to get her to do things like dentist doc etc until it almost killed me i now just let her be you cannot force them to do what you want them to do since ive let her be im less stressed th

Just want to begin by saying I'm sorry about the passing of your mother. My family is dealing with the same problems but the roles are reversed. My parents were married almost 60 years but last November my father passed from Lung Cancer which we discovered after being admitted to the hospital. My mother was my fathers caregiver as well and she had her bad days trying to care for someone so bull headed at times. This Cancer took him very fast but he passed at home with all his love ones around but my mother was in denial. She barely came to dads room and just chose to sleep through most of what was happening. Now moving forward my mother is a total wreck. The passing of my dad has put me in her home 90% of the time because she fears being alone now. Her grief has taking over as well. In the first few months my mother was totally disconnected from the outside world and refused to leave the house only for dr. appointments. Lately we had to deal with taking to many sleeping aids because all she wanted was to go be with my dad. It was just easier to deal if she was asleep but when awake reality would sit in. She became very mean at times saying things so hurtful to me I had to have a forgiving heart. We have taking away the sleep aids she made her best friend because they have her a short lived comfort. Now none of this is easy because addictive behavior is the devils playground. Today my mother is still grieving immensely but till you walk in those shoes who are we to say how much one should mourn. I lost my dad and I find days that I'm so sad I just want to stay in my bed as well. We children have had to get mad and tell mom that dad would not want this from her. That it's not her time to leave us just yet. We have had to be patient, understanding and loving. Being nonjudgmental because who are we to judge how much she misses dad. It is a day by day task because if I leave for a day she starts acting out. She gets sick suddenly calling ambulance to take her to the hospital. It's something new almost everyday with her and I never thought at 48 years old I would be putting my life on hold. All I can say is it seems to get better daily if mom decides it is going to be better so your father has to give a little. If by chance he refuses to eats sometimes you cant make the body hungry. He is choosing his behavior. Sadly everything he does is behavioral but you just can tell him how much he is loved and needed. I could tell you everything will be just fine but every circumstance is different. My mother is finally willing to go see a grief counselor but it will probably get worse before it gets better because she has alot of pent up anger. I wish the best for your father and family. Just don't give up on him...he is worth all the time and love you have to give. The person that referred to our elderly parents as lunatics, shame on you. I feel for your mother knowing someone like you takes care of her, she was probably happier at the facility you took her to for two weeks. Probably felt like spa day not dealing with a bully like you. I hope someone steps in and takes her away from you. God bless us all for doing right by our parents.

Villagegirl, try your local YMCA or call retirement facilities- many of them have visiting personal trainers who specialize in elderly and also do personal training at home for other clients. Other places to look would be at gyms, and also physical rehabilitation facilities may have personal trainers they recommend. Make sure you like the trainer and that he (and I recommend you get a male because your dad will enjoy the companionship of another man) is someone who is compassionate and experienced in dealing with elderly. Our trainer has a degree in kinesthesiology, but has also worked as a physical therapist.

So Moxie1, any tips on finding a fitness trainer? I'm in a similar situation and my father will definitely say no. YOur story of just doing it is very inspirational.

Caring for things gives purpose...How about fish in an aquarium ?

My only suggestion is that you keep trying to do everything you can to help your father, and make him happy now, you'll be so glad you did when he's gone. My father had Alz and hated TV, reading the paper, just about anything around the house. He used to go to house sales on his own, so I continued to take him, even though his walking was really bad, and he usually bought things that made no sense, like toys, Christmas decorations, etc. We would go to Burger King after them, by the time he got home he was a happy tired That was last summer, and this year he's not here anymore, but I have a lot of good memories of those days.
Continue to try to get your father to go out, for a ride, to eat, whatever. Getting them out helps so much, physically and mentally. Good Luck.

I think your father's age and the loss of his wife/caregivers give you a clue. He is probably grieving her loss and angry that he has to live without her. She was the person who cared for his every need and now he doesn't have that situation.

Plus almost 90 yrs old with aging health conditions, life is limited. He can't do what he did even at 80. I would focus on getting him checked out medically, if he will not see a doctor see if their is a visiting nurse or a visiting doctor arrangement in the area. Someone mentions drugs for an improving mood, this might work but you need a doctor who knows what works best with his age bracket and the other meds he is on. However, if it is grief --that isn't really much help. He is stuck in the anger of losing his wife, the not doing or eating is his way to give up and join her in his mind.

Good luck, this is a difficult problem. Time may help eventually. If he has any living male friends who are widowers they may be able to talk him through this.
Unfortunately, most men die before this age and their spouses so men like you dad feel isolated.

My Dad was the same way after he lost my Mom. He was depressed. First we redid his house in a more cheerful color scheme...bright, but not too busy. I got him a DVD player and played more upbeat movies and feel good films such as animal flicks (not old stuff which would remind him of days past and mom). I planted a garden for him to have some reason to go outside to care for something. You might just want to get him a few plants to grow from small. Caring for things gives purpose. Also, we got him a cat. It was less trouble than a dog, but dogs have a profound effect on the moods of people and someone might come over to walk it or help him care for it, but it may make him go for walks. You can adopt from a shelter a loving, house broken, mild mannered and house trained dog. Good luck.

Talk to his doctor and see if you can slip an antidepressant med into his food. I don't know if his doctor will give a prescription without seeing him, so see if he/she can make a house call. Leave him alone, just be loving, and maybe one of these days he will snap out of the depression, or he will get his wish and die. Either way, unless you physically force him to a hospital he may get his wish to join his wife. Best wishes.

This is where you recruit family, friends, old army buddies, whatever you can find and tell them you NEED visitors. Even if they come for half an hour, they can reconnect his focus to the present world. Every Legion Post and VFW has a sunshine committee. Put the word out. It helps.

I have the same situation. I've been caring for my Daddy for 5 yrs now and he's 88. He's basically "chair-ridden" and sits and watches TV most all of the time. He does however, still enjoy reading. So we make sure he has books of things that interest him close by and he also enjoys bird watching. We put a bird bath and feeders outside of his window so he has a good view. It can be very monotanous but it could be worse.

as a former activity director in a nursing home, I would suggest visits and reminisce it seems to work the best with depressed people and he sounds depressed. drag out old pictures, any old friends around? My dad was in WW11. I got him WW11 magazine he reads. Local hometown papers can be read to him. Phone calls from people....;Just a suggestion

I also should mention that dad told mom's caregiver before the trainer came the first day that he didn't want a personal trainer and he also confronted me about hiring the personal trainer and was asking about the cost to try to get out of it and I told dad that he could tell everyone how "his mean daughter hired a personal trainer for him and was making him exercise" but that the personal trainer was "a done deal." And it has worked amazingly well. BTW, my dad is 89 years old. He turns 90 this September.

My dad was doing this. He had colon cancer surgery and my mom is late stage Alz. He was grieving and sitting around watching TV. I realized that what he needed was an interest and all his life, dad has been athletic. But he was sitting around so much he got weak in his legs. It was becoming a self defeating cycle - he went through physical rehabilitation twice but kept sitting around upon graduation. So I did the "unthinkable" and I hired him a personal trainer - an incredibly nice man who is 38 years old and specializes in personal training for elderly. He has also worked as a physical therapist. He is so motivational, that even though dad didn't want a personal trainer, dad started exercising with him twice a week. I told the trainer, in front of dad, that he works for me and dad can't fire him. LOL! It's been a few months now and dad looks forward to his sessions. The weather is nice and the trainer has got dad out on the street walking. He puts dad through a complete workout. This has lifted dad's spirits and dad is doing better emotionally and strength-wise. So much so, that dad went back to his country club to exercise on the stationary bike several times per week on his own. Of course, by doing that dad also got to socialize with others he knows. Dad is now going out to lunch at least one or two days per week with friends. Of course, the personal trainer has become a close friend of dad's. The personal trainer costs $75 per session but what he has done for my father is more than worth it! I will never regret the expense and when my parents are gone, I will know I have done my best by them.

Have a similar circumstance but it is compounded by siblings who have either taken advantage of or are completely ignorant to the dimensions of dementia. They do not help but encourage and demonstrate bad behaviors. If left alone to fend for herself my mother in-law would die. We have saved her but her mind slips a little further every week. It is not easy but my wife and myself respect her space but recognize she is now more child like than adult and needs the same encouragement as that of a child. We recognize she will not remember anything we have told her moments later but patiently repeat ourselves but try to redirect any negative thinking to positive and try to get her to focus on all the possibilities still before her. Still, she does watch television a lot and loves her naps. I know it is hard but it is okay for the elderly to die when they think it is time. Continue to love him and care for him the best that you can and remind him often that you do love him and will miss him if he passes away. Remind him of all the good that he had and that those that have passed before him would want him to continue to live and also do good until it is time. I guess the best answer is that you will have to have a great deal of patience, compassion, and love. I also agree that by giving them options, by indicating these are the choices they have they can and will feel better because they have helped in making a decision and therefore feel empowered, albeit to a small degree. Sometimes, the suggestion of the alternative of being cared for by a stranger can be a motivator in getting cooperation.

he misses his wife let him watch tv let him do what ever he wants he proberly doesent have much time left if you care for him just love him

The person who referred to the elderly Alzheimer's gentleman as a "lunatic" is way out of bounds. I would HATE to have her caring for my husband. She has shown her true colors.

I wish my husband, 90, would watch any TV at all. It makes him so nervous that he leaves the room or goes outdoors if the weather is nice; or goes into the bedroom slamming the door! His vision is very bad which does not help.

He has NO interest in anything but finding his wife. I think he is mourning her 'disappearance' also, although I am here 24/7.

The only thing that works are frequent hugs and expressions that I am sorry and cannot fathom how badly he feels most of the time. His expressions of wanting to die hurt the most. When he gets frustrated with little things like his buttonholes are too small and zippers don't work properly and just explodes - he feels better afterwards - letting off steam as it were..

'Just gotta' remember to give those hugs, etc.. in spite of his moods..

My Dad is the same. He watches movies and is on the internet. The one thing that is good in my situation is - I do not think he is giving up or what's to die. He is physically healthy, has started to take an anti-depressant and tries to help around the house (washing dishes, making coffee, getting the trash out on garbage day). On my days-off, I make a point to going to the library with him, then we have breakfast and if he is feeling up to it, we walk some neighborhood trails. I do not know how long he will be healthy ( he is 87) or physically able, so I try to get him out whenever I can. Hang in there and perhaps a trip to a local library to rent DVDs might get your Dad out.

I wrote a letter to my mother's doctor explaining her mental state (short term memory gone) and faxed it to him in advance since when we went to see him, he would know the 'real' situation since she wants everyone to think she's perfectly fine (even tho she tells me she has no mind left). Unfortunately, her doctor gave her a verbal 'test' and although she scored 'low', he did not put her on any medication (for memory). She won't go anywhere or have anything to do with anyone. She can't walk except with a walker and then only a short way. She refuses to get in a wheelchair, even though it would allow her to go many places and get out and about to places she used to love to go. She, also, just watches TV and reads. Her pride prevents her from getting/living better but that's not something I can change and it's taken 8 months for me to accept that. I guess our need to want to make things better for them must turn to acceptance at some point. I would agree however that calling or faxing the doctor is the best idea for medical issues. Some day we will all find peace and can look back and know we did the best we could.

I would be more concerned about him not eating, of course he is depressed. My mom stayed in her room (which was the master bedroom) for 8 years. It was her comfort zone. I would by fresh bedding flowers, lamps. etc... TV is fine. My mom was HARDCORE, so I made it my job to make sure she was had her meds, she was eating, pooping and showers and sleep. Other than those things I stopped nagging her on what she should do. Although that really is still alot of nagging, but in the end she had it her way. Miss her badly she lived with me for over 10 years, and I have NO REGRETS. Peace and Understanding.

I usually am more detailed in my writing, and this most recent post says it all. I hope my earlier post was ok, I sure only meant to relate from experience, of being a helper, that sometimes no matter what a person does, someone else can take it wrong. It sounds like you are a very good, caring person, and caregiving is not for those that are weak, and you are not, keep up the good work. It propably toucjed a nerve when I was helping and doing fine with a family member, and then criticized, when the ones does it, were not as genuine and sensitive of a caregiver, themselves. Hugs, too, from OH.

Cherish the fact that he likes the TV. My mom is in the same state but refuses to watch TV, does not even want it on in the house. She just stares at the walls and feels sorry for herself 24/7. It's awful.