My Dad (89) spends his days sitting in a chair watching TV. He refuses most of everything. What can I do?

This post came to me today along with the one about the MIL who refused to bath, and both of these descriptions match my parents so incredibly. Help2Day has done an amazing job of describing 50s life as well as anyone could when you could only observe "the outside" of someone. Father always stoic stone, mother serving family. My Mom died from sepsis from an untreated UTI -- I didn't even know what that was til after her death. I had tried and tried to help her get help, but she was fiercely independent and spiteful of any help, frighteningly so as I was terrified of her all my life. But also respectful and did love her. Had she been evaluated, certainly she would have been diagnosed with dementia which would have helped everyone else. But prior, she had so many other mental afflictions that one couldn't tell. When they say it is a confusing life for the children of the mentally ill, let me just say the reverberations go on forever. So Mom began active dying after she brought Dad his meal, as she did for eons. She fell, lay in her excretions for over 24 hours because Dad was terrified of her and wouldn't call an ambulance til she commanded him to. Now Dad, who was a gentle man, a wonderful provider, and as generous as anyone could have been with a malicious narcissist of a wife, sits and watches TV all day. We wish he would agree to assisted living, but that is anathema to him. I don't understand and can't get inside his head, but he sometimes will turn off the TV to "talk," which he is challenged in, but often we just sit pleasantly until something comes out of his soul (usually just random memories). It can be very awkward, but somewhere I want to believe he still cares. I am getting a frame of mind that the day the TV goes off for good, I will miss the good old TV days. TV is is solace, I love that someone mentioned it as a "window." My Mom, who was also very intelligent, used to call it the opium of the masses. Nobody questions when Christian or Tibetan monks "do nothing." Maybe it is our extremely aged brain reviewing life or comparing TV's stories to our own inner life because we cannot verbalize. I feel your concern though, because some people we just cannot understand and it is only human to project our own wisdoms onto a mystery. That you care means everything, please believe that.

Let him be. I'm sure the loss of his wife has taken a toll on him. Most elders when they lose a loved one, lose their will to want to do anything. Do they best you can and God will handle the rest. Good luck.

Being buried in caregiving for a LO with Alzheimer's I needed a reminder that there are hundreds of carers and thousands of individuals with a myriad of needs

THANK'S for the reminder..

" Kisses for Elizabeth" is written for both family and professional caregivers of people with behavioral issues. It is a practical resource for
anyone experiencing difficulty with significant behavioral issues but is
also helpful to caregivers who simply want to provide the best possible
care.

You really need to know correct diagnosis of issues behind behavior. Back when I was a kid old people were discussed as being senile. we have come along way in understanding all sorts of age related "labels".

AgingCare is here to connect caregivers.
Quoting Writer Jane Ayres: "If I'm not learning, I'm not living."

My mother is 76 yrs old. She has COPD and is on oxygen 27/7. Her t.v. is her best friend. She never drove or made friends. We moved her next door to me three years ago after my father passed. I try to get her out, but it's hard, she came over for a b,b,q the other day. We used her transport chair and she was fine until after she ate and walked about fifty feet to my bathroom. She was out of breath and embarrassed. It's hard to watch. I was hoping to have her over for her birthday next weekend, but she told me she can't do that again. Mom does take depression medication and I believe this works. She is content just sitting and watching t.v.

UncleDave ~ If you read the original question/post, I do not see where winelover mentions her father has Alzheimers. Many posters assume this website (AgingCare) is ONLY for caregivers of Alzheimers patients. Not true. I've actually read a post from someone who admonished someone for posting a question relative to their caregiving problems saying, "I don't know why you're posting this question here -- this forum is for people with Alzheimers."

Anyway, to address the caregiver's question -- unfortunately, there is very little you can do when someone just wants to spend their days sitting in a chair and watching TV. Your Dad is 89, is a fall risk, has heart problems and is diabetic. I'm gathering from that description that he might be frail, too. His wife (your Mom), who I'm assuming up to that point was his sole caregiver, passed away a year ago and he is most certainly depressed. The woman he spent his entire life with died and now he wants to die. Just exactly what do you want him to do?

If you tried to discuss the situation with him and gave him "options" (not sure what options -- you didn't say) and he still hasn't responded, you may have to try another approach. Unfortunately, men of his generation do not talk about things like depression, etc. They equate those emotions with being "weak". Mental illness, anquish from losing a loved one, was something that was/is not spoken about.

My Dad was one of those men. All my life (and I'm 55 years old), he never told me he loved me (although I'm sure he did in his own way), never spontaneously hugged me, never just wanted to talk about things, never really enjoyed life. I think he thought his purpose in this world was going to work every day, my Mom looking after us (cooking, cleaning, etc.), him bringing home the paycheck, having dinner (no discussions at the table like "how was everyone's day?" or "how was school today?"), watching a little TV, going to bed, then doing it all over the next day. He was also diabetic and had heart problems and, I truly believe, mentally depressed but he would NEVER and I mean never discuss what was going on in his head. He would never admit having feelings, discussing feelings, or doing anything about his mental state whatsoever.

His work friends were just that -- people he worked with for over 30 years. He never associated with them outside work. His whole world was coming home to Mom and she would take care of him. That said, when he retired, he pretty much sat around the house for the next 20 years, doing jigsaw puzzles, never going out much (although we tried to take them out with my in-laws -- again people of their generation who were totally different and outgoing), watching TV and living out his retirement years. My Mom, I think, thought when my Dad retired that they would do some traveling, have some fun, but guess what? Nope. He had no friends outside of work, would not join any "retirement" groups and basically that was that. He eventually died at age 80 from COPD (which he would not treat) -- I found out his pulmonary doctor prescribed him an inhaler to help with his breathing and after he passed away, I found the inhalers stills sealed (like he got the prescription filled) and he never used them. I found out later after he passed, that he told my mother-in-law that we would not see Christmas that year (he passed in November 2008). He went to his doctors appts with my mother (but he would see the doctor alone). He'd come out of the appt and my mother would say, "What did the doctor say?" and he would just respond, "Nothing. Everything's okay." Ugh. She would just accept it. Again, it is their generation. That this the way they think.

I firmly believe now that my Dad did not enjoy life, wanted to die, and actually hastened his death by not following his doctors' recommendations. He was "tired" of living, depressed, and did not want to go on. It's a d*mn shame because you only get one go around in this life. He was fairly healthy (mind-wise) without dementia or Alzheimers (although his brother-in-law and his own parents had major cognitive decline that eventually led to their deaths) and I think he just sat there all day thinking about how he didn't want to end up like them (in nursing homes, hospice) and he just "willed" himself to physical decline. Mental health is so important to physical well-being, however, again -- men of his generation do not want to speak of this. I did as much as I could but I could not "reach" my Dad. I would lay awake at night crying, trying to figure out what can I do for him. I finally had to accept that "it is what it is." Believe me, it wasn't (and still isn't) easy.

So where am I going with all of this? Well, I can only suggest that you keep up the home visits and try (I know it SO difficult sometimes) to keep things light and pleasant -- for your mental health! He is not going to change. And he most certainly is not going to suddenly jump up out of his chair and start bathing himself, going to the dentist, become cheerful and outgoing. He's just not. This is how he has chosen to live -- you have to live within his world. Short of him harming himself, unfortunately, there is little you can do until he either gets ill enough to where he is hospitalized, or he has a fall (again, where he would need to be hospitalized or taken to the doctor then). Good luck to you and I am sending (((hugs))) to you.

This is a really rough situation. The fact that he is grieving shows that he has memory concerning the death of your mom. I tend to agree with Uncle Dave about talking to yourself. I have my husband watching Westerns. They are simple: either put them in jail, shoot them or tell them to get out of Dodge. I am retired so after I do my chores I lay on the sofa and read. I find myself watching Gunsmoke, Bonanza, Maverick, etc. They were very popular yrs ago and there was a reason why. My husband looks at the paper but he does not retain hardly anything he reads. I am reading Dr. Joyce Brother's book on Widowhood and even without the dementia this is a rough period. Have you tried putting him in the car and taking him to the doctors? If he refuses to see them when you get there some of them will be understanding and not charge you. Hygiene: I had a new shower put in that is easy to clean. We have a cockateil and I tell him birdie wants to take a shower. In the summer he takes several showers a day and with the old shower curtain it was a pain but now I consider myself lucky when I hear people talk about the person they are caring for reeking. Meals on Wheels are pretty bland. Wgt Watcher frozen meals taste better and my husband likes soup.
Being a male and probably strong, he must be difficult to handle. Have you started looking at facilities? If he wants to die, this will make it easier when the time comes to let him go. My mother always said she wanted to die, even when I was a kid so when she had a gran mal seizure for 10 min and was DNR and no code (she signed for this herself when she was lucid) it was easy for me to say no water, etc. Do you have a medical directive? Long Term Care Insurance? An eldercare lawyer... My heart goes out to you and the family members that are taking care of him So sorry about your mom too -- after all you are also grieving

Good morning to all who answered. My father who is 92 suffers with dementia, and everything all of you write helps me. I want to say thanks for all the answers, good and bad.

Has your dad had any kind of assessment for his cognitive function or psych issues? He is more than likely still in deep mourning ... but other things may be going on as well.

I know it's difficult/impossible to get him to the doctor. Can you call the doctor and ask for some suggestions or help in that area?

Please let us know how you're doing!

Excuse typos, typed on small screen. I am speaking from caring for a relative, one weekend. It was my ex motherinlaw. She was dosing, my ex came in , and blasted the tv, yelled at me, and I gave my ex sisterinlaw time to visit, and served them cake, and coffee, and let them visit, and we were fine til they all came. Just the way people look at things. It isn't easy. And we all will be elderly, one day.Peace

Compassion, and kindness is always the answer. Sometimes knowing a cafegiver is coming the same time of day, each day, is a great thing, e en if for a couple hours. Somstimes, as family, it is like being in the same pot of flowers, all blended together, but hard to sepadafe to see the individual perspective, because it is family. People , myself included, can try to figufe what someone is feeling, thinking, and when it is family, it is even harder. The dr visit for refills is a great answer. At twentyor fhirty, I never thought about being elderly, and really still don't a lot. The people, I have cared for though, sometimes, it is refreshing to see, that they do just fine, when I ask them what they want to do. I know one thing, when a person takes tje fo us off of them, and puts it on the client, what a huge difference. And, I know it is diffi ult, when they are grouchy, as well. Maybe, a weekend cadegiver, and family, during the week, a bit. Just an idea, and I sure don't know them all. Hope it helps, a little. M in OH

Conversing with a LO who has Alzheimer's is often like talking with your cat. Acknowledge, respond, be affectionate, develop boundless patience.

Sit back and enjoy the TV with him

winelover, it is so hard to sit and watch them waste away, knowing that it could be better. My father did it. He didn't want to see a doctor or dentist. He didn't want to bathe or change clothes. He was just waiting for God. He just sat and looked out the window until he finally died. We just maintained him the best we could. My father was deaf and nearly autistic, so it was a difficult circumstance. My moods went from compassion to anger to disgust, then back again. The whole circumstance was painful.

Now my mother sits and looks out her window -- the TV -- most of the day. It is better, though. She will go to the doctor and does stay clean. But she is a difficult personality. Again I just do what I can. Something that made it easier on me was realizing how little control I had and that I didn't have the ability to fix things. I can only help hold things together by doing what they will let me.

I do wish you could encourage your dad to visit a doctor. I think that one thing could make a big difference. Since he is diabetic and has had heart trouble I don't know how he can avoid going to the doctor. Somebody has to prescribe the medications. This may be the key to getting him to visit the doctor -- getting prescriptions renewed.

You've tried to discuss this with him and you've tried to offer him options. Aside from that there's nothing you can do. How are you supposed to force him to see his Dr. and dentist? How do your force him to get out more? If he doesn't want to there's no making him. If you could get him to the Dr. maybe the Dr. could prescribe an anti-depressant if he's not already on one. It sounds like your dad may still be grieving if this is new behavior (since your mom died). Many spouses who are left behind feel this way.

And to the person who posted above me, please refrain from describing elderly loved ones as "lunatics". It's incredibly insensitive and cruel.