adambravo Asked December 2014
What if my Dad refuses to physically leave the house to move into assisted living?
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My 90-year-old dad is doing ok physically, despite the Parkinson's, but will likely need to move into assisted living this year with my 86-year-old stepmom. He's got some short-term memory issues, and is (surprise, surprise) proud and stubborn. What if he physically refuses to leave the house on the day of the move? We had a similar situation a couple of months ago when my stepmom had to go to California to sell her house, but, on the day she left, my dad was so depressed he refused to go.
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1. Right now, both my dad and stepmother require some help around the house. My dad does not cook, nor would he bother doing laundry or cleaning, and my stepmother is battling cancer (although, all things considered, in pretty good shape).
2. The nearest close relative (my stepbrother) is five hours away in case something goes wrong.
3. As my dad cannot drive, he feels trapped in the house, and thus a bit alone/isolated. Assisted living, I think, will restore his sociability.
4. Finally, there is a financial consideration. My dad is running out of money, and we cannot long term afford in-home care--but he does have a long term care insurance policy he took out on his own about 15yrs ago.
"Is your father hurting himself through poor judgement about his health or finances, or living alone?" He pretty much cannot live alone; there is some concern over finances (he has an overdue income tax bill), but much of it has been automated. He was able to live on his own for three months while my stepmom was selling her house, with the help of Visiting Angels--but we cannot afford Visiting Angels as a longterm solution.
"If you already have an excellent and trusting relationship with his wife, then speak with her." I have a pretty good relationship with her; however, she is 86 and battling cancer (although doing quite well)
"I need to bring up the status of your fathers estate if there is one." They signed a pre-nup, and there's not much of an estate. He's got about $50K in cash left and the house is in a trust in my and my brother's names.
If you feel he is, you need to consider the possibility of having him declared incompetent and having a court appoint a guardian to make important decisions for him. I believe (and I am not sure) that his wife will automatically move into this role. She will then be the one for you to work with to benefit your father assuming she is capable of making these decisions. I am not sure what your local law has to say about this (continue below about a lawyer). If you already have an excellent and trusting relationship with his wife, then speak with her.
I need to bring up the status of your fathers estate if there is one. Will his wife automatically inherit his assets if he predeceases her? The reason why I ask is that this is a primary cause of dissention in similar situations. If his wife is ever declared in control of his finances, or given the chance to change his will, you need to take this into account.
In summary, you need to confidentially speak (and do this initially without his step wife knowing about it) with a trusted family law attorney. Use one only through strong recommendations if you can. You need some legal advice and counseling, or just a clear view of the situation that an experienced family lawyer can offer.
The reason why I say this is that I hired a lawyer who gave me very poor advice a few years ago, and if I would have checked with the the State and Local Bar associations beforehand, and have done an online search for complaints about this attorney, I never would have hired him. Do your homework first before you see legal advice.
But it sounds to me like you should do this step to know what your rights are even if you never will bring an attorney into the situation.
If he refuses to leave the house on the the day of the move, he is going to have to face the consequences of living separate from his wife and of having to pay for two residences. The consequences will be more uncomfortable if his family does not enable him by providing lots of help. Perhaps the consequences will eventually persuade him in join his wife. Of perhaps it will take a fall or some other emergency to force the issue.
Unfortunately, unless you are his legal guardian you cannot force him to move out of his house.
My parents [mid-90's] are like that, and there isn't anything I can do about it. Since their mind is still intact, it is still their choice. So I am trying to learn to keep arm's length from helping them too much. Whew, not easy as a lot of guilt gets thrown my way. It will have to take something very important, like not being able to get upstairs to the bedroom, or a fall down the stairs to finally shake some sense into them.