My mother suffered a massive stroke 12 years ago and suffered devastating physical consequences. I lived overseas but travelled home frequently 2-3 times a year for extended stays to help my father look after her. She finally passed away in January 2012 peacefully in her sleep. In 2010 I moved back to the US because my parents' situation was not getting any better. My employer at that time (a global company) agreed to a temporary transfer to allow me to work from our corporate offices and this allowed me to look after my parents. My father fell 2 months after I returned and broke his hip. He since has been able to walk again, has some minor health issues but does suffer from dementia. I do not live with him and arranged for around-the-clock care. I buy the groceries, pay the bills, arrange the staff, take him to doctor's appointments, etc but I don't live in the house because he is constantly called for me day and night and I can get no sleep and I must work. My father was a brilliant lawyer who apparently took care of everyone's business but his own. He had no burial arrangements for himself or my mother (which I've now taken care of), no insurance policy, no long-term healthcare plan. Nothing. My employer has now sent me a letter saying that my temporary contract is ending and I must report back to my place of employment by June 1st or lose my job (I'm in the meantime looking for employment here...good luck to me). What should I do? Stay? Go? Should I/can I force my father in to an assisted living facility even if he absolutely refused to go? Or should I leave him at home and spend every cent of money that he's set aside (which is quickly going) and risk having nothing if he does need to go into assisted living later? He's 89 but his family members have ALL lived extremely long lives (96+ years). I have an alcholic brother who is absolutely not help or support. Any suggestion anyone else who has been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.
Your mom could have a different dementia like vascular or frontotemporal dementia. The 2 main dementia tests are Folstein aka MMSE and the MOST - both can pick up subtle differences in cognition that can narrow just what type of dementia when done correctly. If she could have frontotemporal dementia, they can do an Addenbrooke's exam. All This is important as some medications work better for some dementia's and other medications can be a very serious problem for others (this is especially true for Lewy Body). For my mom Aricept was a total waste while Exelon as a patch works. She still has dementia but the rate of decline has slowed. Good luck.
On a happy note, I was able to find a great job here with my overseas employer. They realized they didn't want to lose me after all these years of service and really stepped up and found a great position for me. My boss is beyond wonderful.
I have recently purchased a home and am evaluating moving my father in with me once I get settled. In the meantime, I am continuing with his around-the-clock assistance and trimming back expenses where I can.
I will also investigate what financial aid/assistance I can get through the VA.
Thanks to all for your input. Hugs to all you caretakers out there.
It is often difficult to help the person who was fiercely independent, and was so used to managing things for others. (My father was also an attorney, who slipped into dementia in his mid 80s).
But there can be some pleasant surprises. The person can realize how moving to assisted living, and then accepting supplemental help in order to stay there, removes a big burden from their daily living and opens up new opportunities for enjoyable interactions. (But the person is probably not going to admit that change of mind and heart to their adult child.)
How it comes about takes some courage and a few miracles. If I had more space, I would tell the full story of how my sister and I brought my Dad on a tour of the assisted living facility, and how he then just let us take care of the move. We faxed his health care proxy faxed over to the VA so they could get the health certification faxed over to the assisted living, and from there he enjoyed several years of daily bridge games and all the other amenities that gave us peace of mind.
It sounds like you are working alone on this. Have you considered a geriatric care manager? Getting more people on your team can help make more miracles happen. A GCM with the right personality could open up new paths to peace of mind.
Yopu can move away but , trust me, the staf let me kn ow regularly my four isists a week and weekend outings for adventures are thebare minimum I shoud be doing for my 93 year old mom with demenia. ( I qualify as a slacker.!!!) But, it is true, the more the stafff sees me, the better treatment my mother receives... the people who liv in the acility as "independents' enjoy th eplace immensely. But it simply never occurred to methat i was taking my mother away from a home she had lived in
forever, her neighbors and that being with dementia does not make it eassy to make friends, phone calls or change channels on the giant screen TV. On th eothr hand she lives her appertment with its view of th heted pool and all the extraodinary flower arrangement as well as the exceptionally simple washer and dryr in her new apartment. In the ned, its your life or hrs. i thought I could make it work for both of us ut that really is not the way dementia works. i will never get mother affiars 'in order.' and I will alwys miss MY old friends in NYC and my old life.