Hi,
I have only posted here once before, but I literally go on here every day because I find it such a comfort. My parents both fell ill at the same time and they were unable to move back to their house. I had asked and then begged them to move closer to me or sell their house and move to somewhere in their area more friendly to seniors, but my Dad refused to move.
After they fell ill it was suggested I move them into a nursing home from rehab, but I found them a place in assisted living (the place they are in can take people who should be in a nursing home). My mom ended up dying about 16 months ago. My Dad moved into another room in assisted living about a year ago to get a fresh start (he picked the room and made the decisions). Now lately he has been very insistent he wants to move back to the house. He is in a wheelchair and paralyzed on his left side and cannot walk anymore. He is incontinent and has a history of severe urinary tract infections. When he gets a cold or gets ill he gets very, very sick and more and more his throat gets impacted and he has to go on a special diet with ground up food (they do that for him there). They take great care of him and they really like him. He hasn't had a bad UTI in a long, long time and he was getting them constantly when he lived at home with my mom.
I feel for safety reasons he shouldn't move back home. I am worried about trying to juggle care takers and figure out medication and food and feel something catastrophic would happen. I come back and visit a lot, but even if I lived in the house with him I wouldn't be able to help much because he is like dead weight and he needs trained professionals because of all of his special health concerns.
He seems unable to process how precarious his health is and believes he is in better health than he is. He doesn't think he needs 24/7 health care.
Does anyone have any suggestions or tips for me? He's upset he isn't getting PT, but he was cut off from medicare PT because they say he is at his baseline. I then was able to get him PT to help him transfer from the bed to the wheelchair, but he reached his baseline on that as well.
He knows, deep down inside, that it really ISN'T an option, unless he has advanced dementia, but is still exercising his right to fantasize, I guess. Hopefully you have POA so that you get to make the final decision.
Best of luck!!
Men especially are use to getting their own way, to be in control, the little woman just did what they said.
Think with your head, not your heart, do what is best for him. Good Luck!
its taken me a long time to come to terms with all this and accept.
i now say it’s out of my hands to him and Doctor will never allow. He argues doc is hopeless but I say you will still need to convince him and probably a second opinion. If he gets aggressive I leave.
If he says he’s well enough I go down the doctor route and say full picture will be looked at and not snapshot of today a good day.
I visit once a week now as too draining and have hardened up. Takes practice so I empathise.
This is also about you and you need to care for yourself. They become selfish and don’t care how you are affected .
At my last visit, I explained to her returning to live on her own was not possible, she then became verbally abusive to me, it was hard to grasp this was my mother. I’m hurt that mom thinks I’m in a conspiracy with doctors and caregivers to keep her in assisted living, but I know in my heart I’m doing the right thing for her. I’m at peace that mom may never understand why these choices were made, She has be diagnosed by medical doctors as no longer having the cognitive ability to manage her affairs and live safely on her own.
Since she has dementia, can you try different tactics? Don't TELL her she can't move back, try to change the subject, make some excuse or lay the blame on her doctor. You can't really argue with or explain to someone with dementia.
Sometimes leaving an "opening" for them is enough. Later, after you get a little better, when the work needed on the place is done, when the doctor says it is okay. whatever "excuse" might work - just don't put a hard date on that! I've done this with mom, leaving the "door" open for "later" and she might be a little sad, but says okay.
You are exactly in the same boat! :( It's really hard.
Maybe make your answers more vague instead of telling him no? "Oh, you want to move back home? I'm not sure if that would work out. Let me check into it."
Might be best to not expect him to understand your explanations. Try to change the topic (have one in mind!) and maybe get him to go for a walk or do an activity of some sort (also, one you have planned already just for this type of situation).