My dad has fallen and broken both hips in the last 2 years and my mom has had Parkinson's disease for last 15 years. My brother and I finally got mom in a nursing home. Dad is still at home, but lost his driver's license 3 months ago. His memory is getting worse, borderline dementia, but refuses to accept any help. He is still at home and takes senior citizen bus to visit mom. On almost a daily basis, he calls the police station or goes down to DMV to try to get license back. He's taken all the tests & failed, they've told him no, my brother and I have said no, but he won't drop it. I understand losing his memory is not under his control, but he's starting to get nasty to everyone. We've cried, yelled and pleaded and nothing works. He refuses to move into the nursing home with mom. I cry every day, can't sleep and can't concentrate on work. It's sad to say, but I can't see living like this the next couple of years. What can I do?
Another thought is that if your dad insists on driving, I'm surprised that there's not some kind of fake controls for the passenger seat so that your dad may think he's driving (even though he's really not). You may actually look into this idea and see if a car see if a car modification may be an option at least for a fake set of controls in the other seat to at least give your dad some kind of comfort. I can tell you right now he really doesn't want to give up his freedom, and this is exactly why he's fighting you, (and I think anyone would).
Since your mom has Parkinson's, she needs much more physical care than what your dad does. Does your mother's facility have an assisted living or memory care unit (for mild dementia) connected with it? Your dad sounds able bodied so he would just need to be checked on. I would not encourage him to live with her in her area.
As for the drivers license, he doesn't recognize his mental imparment, so he believes he should be able to drive. No amount of explaining from anyone is going to change his mind. He probably thinks it's a conspiracy against him.
IS he driving regardless? If yes, then something has to be done to not have him drive. He could kill himself or others. I disagree with the others who said not to disable the car. Do what you have to do to keep him and others safe. The "authorities " are overworked and don't have time to follow all the elderly around who get behind the wheel.
I would have a neurologist evaluate his mental condition. Do NOT tell him this or he will not go. Tell a white lie that he has a regular doctors' appointment. You will find out the degree of his impairment after the visit. Also, visit the Alzheimer's Association website and familiarize yourself with the different stages of dementia.
If you can find a way to get Power of Attorney I would do so. See if he'll sign you on their bank accounts. You can tell him it's so you can carry out their wishes if/when they aren't able.
I thought I'd loose my mind with my mother in that stage. It's a fine line between reality and dementia and you're the one walking the tight rope. I don't want to disillusion you but, unless there's someone else who can take over the supervision of your dad, you'll be in for the long haul.
We're all here for you as you live through it with him.
With all due respect, do you REALIZE what you are saying? "You can make a police report about it ahead of time so that if something happens, they already know because they will keep a record for that person and the car as well as the license plate number."
The whole idea is NOT to have "something happen" in the first place! What if her dad ran over and killed YOUR family member? So, now it's personal. Disabeling his car doesn't sound so bad now, does it? Whomever he might injure or kill is SOMEONE'S family member. Law enforcement or safety officers don't have the time to chase after demented old folks who, through no fault of their own, are still driving. Nor do they have the authority to disable or take away the car...until there's an accident. Maybe dad would die in the accident. Wouldn't you regret NOT doing 'something' to keep him off the streets when you could have?
Is the car his daughters property? No. Ethically, should she do something to make sure everyone is safe? Definitely! She would NOT get in legal trouble after she explained the situation.
For your other suggestion for a dual controlled car, yes, they do make them. Driver's Ed uses them all the time. It is for the teacher to correct a potentially catastrophic mistake by the student. The students are alert and oriented, but awkward in their movements. Dementia is not about learning and those folks are not alert/oriented nor have the ability to judge or be rational. THAT is why his license was taken away.
Just something to think about.
and
wolfover451giveahug
thank you..... to take actions to keep someone safe is essential if you are the caregiver, and also a moral responsibility to keep anyone that you come in contact with safe. I think that is a simple thing. I TOTALLY AGREE, your local PD or SO or SP do NOT have time to deal with something that a family member or a caretaker is responsible to do. The family has every right to disable a vehicle if there is an person not capable of trying to drive. That is not vandalism unless done in a vandal way. I sure don't want one of my family or you family hurt or killed because of performing a simple disable of a vehicle. *****
Once again, tampering with someone's car is not a good idea, And that's where I firmly stand. No matter the intent at the time, a cop who happens to be in the area can cite you, and if I were that cop, so would I, because it's illegal to bother someone else's car and take the law into your own hands. Again, if the cops won't do anything despite a report, contact your state's safety department and file a complaint. The state highway patrol is also there to keep our roads safe, that's their job. They're very well-trained to watch for problems on the road, and they know what to look for. Don't take the law into your own hands, it will backfire on you sometime.
Dangerous drivers
Report to
Local police department
Highway patrol
* authorities can pull over a dangerous driver and even confiscate the car
* Authorities would never condone taking the law into your own hands by tampering with someone else's car, they would say to just call them since they are the ones trained to handle these matters.
* Video surveillance is in use
These days, police departments are hooked up to video surveillance even outside of the premises. Depending on the video surveillance, they can see as far as the street well beyond their premises.
DMV
* DMV issues drivers licenses, and they can take the license since they are part of the state
Town mayor
* Very useful in helping resolve problems with in your town, especially if you happen to have a problem with local authorities not doing their job.
If all else fails
Contact your state's safety department
Other elected officials
* Letter to the editor
Write a letter to your newspaper editor to shame the authorities into doing the right thing to remove the dangerous driver's driving privileges.
2) A stern lecture by a police officer, a letter from the DMV, a thoughtful discussion with a doctor - all of this is useless in the face of dementia. They can't listen and learn and take it to heart. They will nod, pleased with the attention, and keep on driving. The car has to not work, or not be there. Several people I know took the parents car in for 'inspection', and sadly, the car 'needs repairs' which have to be ordered (and that takes days, weeks, months!) After the car is gone for a while, they will forget and will have moved on to the next stage.
I am advocating to disable the car (vandalism) and you are advocating taking the keys (theft). Both are crimes. What's the difference?
(It's very easy to disable a car by disconnecting one wire. You don't have to tear the car to pieces.)
I called the California Highway Patrol with this question. The answer I received is; They do not have sufficient personnel to come out to the house to talk to the demented elder. (These are DEMENTED elders = not rational. They aren't going to listen anyway. my words) The CHP can't do anything UNTIL the demented person starts driving. You, as the caregiver, call the CHP and then get in your own car and follow behind your demented family member so you can let the officers know their location. They will pull them over and "ARREST" them for driving without a license. Depending on the assessment of the CHP officer as to their mental state, they will be taken to either a mental health facility and placed on a 36 hour hold or to jail and the car will be impounded for 30 days. The car would be accruing fines/charges for storage each day, totaling hundreds of dollars). If this happens more than once, they would face more severe charges and their car could be taken away for good. All that, for your poor demented loved one to go through because you didn't want to disconnect a cable!
I also tried to contact local police but today is Saturday. I left a message for the police traffic division and, hopefully, will hear from them on Monday. I also will be contacting traffic court to see what the protocol is on this matter. I want a legal answer.
You can contact an elder attorney through your local senior center. We did. The services of drawing up a POA were free (you could give a donation if you were able). Be sure to take a copy for yourself, as my mother ripped up the first 3 pages of the POA a few months later as her Alzheimer's advanced. The attorney that did ours does NOT keep a copy. What to do if they are incompetent and won't sign? Good question for the elder attorney. That's where the 2 doctor's statements, declaring them unfit to make decisions, would come in.