It is after all my idea but I am getting nervous. He is fine health wise but not financially. He is in the area where I grew up and many family members are as well as his friends. I live 5 states away. My brother is in the same town as my dad, my sister is about the same distance as I but neither will have him come with them. My dad and I get along very well as does my wife. We have a good size house and the kids are out. My issue is he is still active in work and mobile. I don't know how to handle the day to day issues. I work at home. I will have to move my office from my nice sunny room to the basement to give him a living area. Finance should not be too much of an issue but I feel my siblings should contribute. How do I handle that? We are planning to add on to the house but that is a huge cost I cannot bear. We lost my mom recently, she did everything for my dad, he is progressing in getting things done but once he moves in how do we all keep our personal space? My biggest fear is him falling into depression. Currently he owns his business which my brother works in. I want him to work at least 3 hours a day (be out of the house) and go to a gym or some kind of activity. He doesn't realize how active he is where he is now but he cant stay due to financial reasons. He is very close to his family there, once he is here it will be hard to go back and forth. I don't want my wife and I to be his social scene. How do I get him to make friends here without him thinking I am pushing him away? Too many questions, I need something I just don't know what.
Sorry, no sugar coating this one.....just my opinion.....and to those of you who may read this and think "but we owe it to our parents" I say "read my profile, walk a mile in my shoes and really understand that not all parents were the same in how we were raised, treated, in our lives, etc. And my siblings? I won't even get started about the h*** some of them have put me through! At the end of the day I love them, but, ugh! Tgengine.....really give it some thought, think about the pros and cons of your situation.......and good luck to you!
In some ways it seems better to let him be until necessary. However, my parents doctor has consistently encourage a move, or trial move while they were still mostly ok. Moving him now, IF HE WANTS TO, allows him time while he is healthy to establish new routines, make new friends, new doctors to get to know him when he is not sick.
Good luck. This can wear you out. If he can afford the add on studio in your home, do that. You will need privacy. He will become increasingly more frail over the years and you will need to be there more for him.
"One thing to consider here is A. I have no choice. B. I have no choice."
One thing that kept me semi-sane during my husband's 10-year journey with dementia was knowing that I had a choice. I was caring for him at home by choice. This was not a mandate or a prison sentence. I chose to keep him home with me, and I could at any time choose to place him in a care center. When I had a very tough day I at least had the satisfaction of knowing I did something hard because I wanted to.
A couple of years ago a man who had just joined our local caregivers' support group was quite distressed over the demands of caring for his significant other. When he said, "I have to do this." I told him that he was selling himself short. He did not HAVE to do this. He wasn't even married to or related to this woman. He was under no legal obligation to shoulder the responsibility for her care. He chose to do this. He should feel proud of that choice.
"I have no choice" leads to resentment, feeling trapped, despair. "I choose to do this" can lead to pride, a sense of accomplishment, a freedom to change decisions if circumstances change.
There are other choices. You do not HAVE to do this. I suggest you look into some of the other possibilities and recognize that if you and your wife do this, it is out of the goodness of your heart, not out of lack of any other option. Do it out of love. Please don't do it because you "have" to.
This move was carefully thought out by all of us. Dad, in his mid-70s at the time, was active and strong. He went out every day to play pool and was gone for hours, enjoying his retirement. We already had a good relationship, and I knew that someday, he probably would decline and I would be a caregiver. I have no children, so that affords me the mental capacity to focus on his needs if necessary.
We knew the dynamic would change, as Dad was used to being in his own home and so were we. We were all prepared to make adjustments.
A number of things has made this work well:
1) We are all considerate by nature. Dad understands our need to be a couple, and we support his privacy as well.
2) Dad has never snooped or pried into our personal business, and his areas are HIS. Only after I seek his permission do I enter his bedroom, for example.
3) Dad cleans up after himself and retains tidiness in his areas. He contributes assistance wherever his can, and is conscientious about this.
4) Though we never ask for it, he offers us a modest check toward expenses when he can. He’s been supporting my adult brother for a number of years, and hopefully that will cease soon as Dad really needs to prioritize his own care and support.
5) When we entertain, I let Dad know in advance so he’s not surprised with commotion when he might have been planning a quiet evening in his TV area. We don’t have people over as often, and as late in the evening as we used to, but that is okay.
6) Since Dad’s hours are more “retirement oriented” we don’t often have meals together, but we do on occasion and always eat together on holidays.
7) He has cooked in the past and shared with us, and we have done the same.
8) Dad is conscious of not making noise when we are sleeping, and we are as well.
9) We supported the entire family room area becoming Dad’s main living space, and it has many family pictures and keepsakes; his desk is untouched by us because it is his personal space.
10) One side of our 2-car garage belongs to Dad, and it contains things of his from previous homes and he parks his car in there. He has his own refrigerator in the basement.
11) When Dad wants to assist with shoveling snow, we gently (firmly) decline, but it’s nice to know he wants to help.
12) We all respect each other’s routines and needs. I have always referred to him as our “very cool older roommate.”
13) We never expected to be Dad’s primary social life, as he’s always been very independent. He remains so, even with his health issues of recent.
I could illustrate more points, but this is the basic idea. RESPECT, COMPROMISE and REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS are key.
All considered, we know this works because we all went in with eyes open, with a practical, can-do spirit. We knew there would be changes to each of our lifestyles. What we have traded in independence, we have gained in many blessings of being together. I told Dad that he’d never again awaken alone on Christmas; he is surrounded by music and decorations and fun. I can peek in on him if he’s not feeling well, as opposed to driving cross-town or booking a flight. I can give him a hug and kiss before bed. The blessings are endless.
During the past few months, I have been a caregiver, though fortunately he has been doing much better. My husband has been very supportive, and cares a great deal for Dad’s well-being. In summary, though it hasn’t been all sunshine (there have been a few small disagreements), the arrangement has been overwhelmingly positive. Best of luck to you and your family as you work this out.
It seems as if you have a realistic view of the possibilities, and it is obvious that yours would be a very caring and supportive home.
It's important for my dad to feel engaged in life. He loves to have his McChicken and coffee every day and play pool at the senior center. I told him that I would continue to see that he can play pool, even if he were to no longer be able to drive. I encourage him to explore other programs at the center, such as meals and activities, but it's decision after all.
You are already foreseeing some of these things with your own Dad. I feel the same as you do, wanting to enjoy his remaining time in the world, but also bearing in mind that there may be challenges down the road. I've experienced a few as of recent.
On the legal side, if this hasn't already been addressed, it's a good idea for your dad to name a DPOA and get his advance health care directive and will set up. Having those tucked away "just in case" can save you some anguish later on.
Another thing was mentioned—please attempt maintain the "hierarchy" in the house. Your wife and my husband still come first, no matter what, despite the love we feel for our dads.
There are going to be issues you'll have to work out as roommates, and you'll probably have to step in at times to diffuse something. Have an open environment where you can all bring up a dispute.
I am now Dad's healthcare proxy and advocate, and maintain his twice-daily meds, and keep in touch with his doctors and specialists about his medical needs. If need be, I could assume his bill-paying at some point, but I have organized his files so they are easier for him to navigate. All are carried out with his knowledge and approval.
You will probably fill this role someday, as well. You are a good son, and I know you'll do what is best for all concerned.
I have been in hospitals in 4 states across the country in a matter of days dealing with 2 terminal family members so I am adept at that end. I don't think I am going into this with rose colored glasses hence the questions and ideas from people who have gone through this (very helpful). Maybe I am pushing this but on this end dealing with it long distance is just about as much as I can take some days. I know I may regret this move but I know I will regret it more later on if I don't do something now. Neither my sister or I can afford to finance his living in a senior place and he is adamant about it to begin with. Down the road we will have discussions on what to do if something major happens. He works as a contractor now and is closing up his business, there is no money from closing the business because it is all him and he does not own the house so when he closes up shop the money besides SS stops, even if he found senior housing there is not money left at the end of the month with his expenses. I harken back to the days of old before me, all of my relatives took in their parents, my mom split her time w her dad with her brother, My grandfather with his MIL, my G Grandfather went in with a daughter. My G Uncle and aunt were with my parents and I for a time before they went to a nursing home (5 people in a 3 bedroom apt, yeah that was fun). So this is not new territory for me. I am just looking for ideas that will help me get through the process not decide if I should or not. Thanks all for your guidance.
There are some issues you're facing that I didn't, and have had a lot of experience already. You are obviously more than prepared.
One item I forgot to mention—the thing that has been hardest on my husband and me is the loss of privacy (no matter how discreet we are, and how large the space). It is difficult to work through an argument when Dad is downstairs. We have tried to shield him from any problems we may have, but it's very tough when we're all under the same roof.
That said, it's something we've accepted as a part of the deal. The bottom line is Dad respects our private affairs and is not intrusive.
Please post back how you are doing. I hope everything goes smoothly for your family.
The “too many questions” you’ve mentioned are “in the book,” along with a gazillion you probably haven’t even thought of yet. Trust me. Keep in mind that caregiving is never easy, and that it will get more difficult over time. This is not meant to discourage you from going ahead with your plan, but to encourage you to look ahead and be prepared.
Barbara Matthews
My mother fell recently and broke her hip and wrist and my father did not know what to do I held his hand and told him "i have your back" which is something he always says. This was difficult as I had to make the decision to put my mother into a nursing facility for rehab. She did not want to go and dad did not want her to go I was the one that had to make the tough choice. It was not a long stay I just needed her to be able to manuever around safely and had her home within a week. When I did tell my siblings that I was taking her home they were against it; one thing that you will learn is that even though you are close with your siblings ultimately it is you and your wifes decision. I basically told my siblings that the only person that had a say was my husband since he would be the only one that would be there with me day in and day out.
Prior to moving my parents in when I was talking with my husband I said to him are you sure that you are on board because it will only get harder as the years go by.
This past summer my mother in law moved in with us to recoup from open heart surgery she stayed for 3 months. My son was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries and required open hear surgery at 10 months old and has a pacemaker. My life as a caregiver has been not only for my parents but for my family, I am not complaining when my mother in law was healthy and getting ready to leave she hugged me and said I can't believe all that you have done to help me my response I would not have it any other way. My brother simply says you are the go to person you are the one that can make people feel better and know how to talk to the doctors and can handle it calmly. There is no secret to it you just punt, life is about punting you go day by day there will be wonderful times and tough times... What is the magical answer there is none but some tips:
Respect: Respect his wishes in life and as he ages in death. I know what my parents wishes are and have had frank conversations surrounding that and am fully prepared.
Prepare: Know his finances not every detail but if something does happen you can keep things going for him until he gets better. Have discussions with him on what he wants in life and in death and help him to achieve both goals. My parents wish is simple let me go with dignity.
Let him live his life: We live in a climate that has snow and it would drive my husband nuts when my parents would leave and he would say can't you stop them and I would say nope they are grown people I cannot put them on a restraints like that. But as they got older I discussed whether it was wise for them to drive in the snow and we live in a neighborhood with many families and children and how would they feel if they hurt someone when it could have been avoided by not driving in the snow. They no longer drive in the snow and ask me to take them somewhere if absolutely needed.
Love and enjoy him: Life is short don't become so consummed with being a caregiver that you forget to enjoy the time that you have with him. When my mom was in the hospital I promised her a manicure and pedicure when she came out now she loves it that is her new thing that she wants to do-once a month we have a girl day and get a mani pedi. I am sure that will not be the case with your dad but watch a game have a beer cook a steak on the grill whatever it is that he enjoys.
Take a time out for you and your wife: My only regret is that I could do this more; my husband and I have only just started taking little weekend trips or going out alone for dinner. I wish I would have started doing this years ago it has helped our relationship and has been fun like dating again.
Renovation is one thing, but adding an addition such as an inlaw suite onto a house almost always results in a significant financial loss at sale.
"Home buyers were willing to pay extra for a basement and an in-law suite, according to a survey of more than 2,000 households by the National Association of Realtors between 2010 and 2012. The survey reveals 20 percent of the buyers would pay nearly $3,000 more for an in-law addition. A 2013 cost value analysis by Remodeling magazine found that master suite additions for mid-range projects of $101,873 added a resale value of $64,390 to the home. Projects that cost about $220,000 added $114,569 to the resale value. The value could increase with time, but note that most additions added a little over half the cost of the addition to the resale value."
http://budgeting.thenest.com/much-value-would-inlaw-apartment-add-house-33023.html
Keep in mind that the addition has to match your existing home or you will actually bring the value of your home down. If you were to build an inlaw suite, you need to think about a design where this could become an income producing property later on - i.e., have it's own entrance from outside and be adjacent to a place a renter could park. Of course, this point becomes moot if you live in a neighborhood that does not allow multi-family housing or income producing apartments. So you need to check with your Homeowner's Association and also your City before you even consider building an addition.
For the above reason (financial loss), it is always better to buy a property that already meets all of your needs than to add on to an existing property. This is why I think you would be financially better off buying a duplex or a house with a pre-existing income suite, rather than adding on to your current house. In regards to your current home, there are issues you need to consider before adding on such as if your neighborhood's HOA allows you to add on. Many HOA's won't allow this at all. Others have very stringent requirements that make adding on very, very expensive. If you are not in an HOA, then you need to consider the value of the surrounding houses. For example, if homes in your neighborhood range in size from 2,000 sq ft to 3,500 sq ft and your current home is 3,500 sq ft and you add on 1,000 sq ft for your dad, you will have the largest home in your neighborhood, but also, the lowest price per sq ft because the addition will be beyond what most people are looking for in your neighborhood, which will actually cancel out even more of the value you added in your renovation AND addition.
Since you have a basement, it may be make more sense to convert the basement to an inlaw suite. Since your dad has problems with stairs, you would need to add a small residential elevator or a stair lift. Elevators start at just under $12,000. Alternatively, a stair lift could be used (this is a chair that climbs stairs.) Stair lifts cost between $1,300 and $6,000 depending on the complexity of the staircase. In terms of design for your dad's suite, he will need a bedroom, living area, bathroom with walk in shower with a seat and at least a day kitchen (small refrigerator, sink, microwave) or full kitchen. It is advisable to build the inlaw suite so that it is ADA compliant. Then if your father winds up in a wheelchair at some point, the suite will not require additional renovation. If you add the inlaw suite in the basement, then you can design it so that someday it can be used as a media room and potentially an office or guest room and the kitchenette can become a wet bar for entertaining in this area. It is also possible that this area could become income property if allowed by your city zoning ordinances and your HOA if they is an external entrance. As always, make sure that the renovation of your basement is in keeping with whatever you have done to the rest of your home.
It's usually harder on the spouse than on the child of the elder.
Mom's reasons were largely economic, too.
But those could have been solved where they were, with far less stress.
AND, if they'd stayed where they were, at least they would have been more familiar with where things were, have a few people around themselves they knew.
Here, they had NOTHING familiar, knew none; she refused to get out and meet anyone, no matter what I tried to get her involved in...except shopping, which made problems worse. Mom isolated herself worse than ever; the vast changes to her milieu made that too easy for her.
She had no business to keep her busy but her repeated writings [whole 'nuther mental health issue];
Distance made any family visiting difficult.
No matter what I expected to get her interested in doing, no matter how hard we tried to include her in activities, her participation in anything evaporated into thin air. Her grief processing was poor, after her spouse died; her interior mental health issues were compounded.
What we want or expect for or of our elders, and what they can do, is more often than not, very different.
The more an elder isolates or reduces their social, work and activity levels--even in familiar surroundings, much less at a new location, the faster they "lose it", and the more they will depend on you and your wife as their "everything".
It's not about your pushing him to make new contacts, etc.;
it IS that he simply is far -less able- to do that, as an elder, just because of age--even if he has all his marbles in a row.
Your Dad, where he is, has some business/work; has one son working with him at that, family, friends, contacts, activities where he is.
He might need to move under a different roof, but maybe he might possibly stay where so much is familiar, instead of moving so far from all that?
OR, is his moving in with you and your wife, going to be helpful for you, financially? That is a 2-edged sword that can end up with all of you getting cut deeply.
I know one couple who has had their elder papa living with them;
it definitely benefits their financial issues---he pays a large part of their rent.
When he dies, they'll no longer get rent help, unless another relative moves in to help with the rent. In their circumstances, that's not a very healthy idea: the next relative most likely to be able to move in, won't likely reliably pay rent--he'll likely be an expensive troublemaker.
But for now, it's working--that elder does go to the gym--he chose to.
He also had old friendships in the area from many years before--so he was familiar with the area, still drives his own car, has a stipend to live off, and pays rent to help his kids.
But in the house? No help there--his deceased wife did everything for him, so housework is not what he does; thankfully, neither does he contribute his opinion on how to raise the kids--too much.
It's working for them, at present...but when he starts getting confused? or sicker than currently? They're in way over their heads; and he has no where else to go. Other family who might take him in, are over 3000 miles away. He already moved across country to live with this couple; so far, so good--but another move after dementia starts? Not good.
"Back-up Plans" are very important; they've made none.
If your Dad moves in with you and your wife:
How do other family members feel about this move?
Will they travel to see him, instead of expecting him to come visit them?
Is someone taking over his business later?
HOW will he run the same business far from his familiar stomping grounds?
Do you have some back-up plans to cover worst-case scenarios?
Have you sat and discussed "house rules"--what are the "deal-breakers" under your roof, that you and your spouse cannot allow him to do?
Can he come be social with you, or stay in his room[s] and feel like part of family on his own terms? Will he have a private entrance?
How elder-goof-proof is your kitchen, laundry, etc.?
Stairs? Handrails? Entry steps?
Does he need a higher toilet, or an adaptor?
Bathroom only on second level, or one on main level, too?
Have you looked into elder care nearby?
Found and contacted your local Area Agency on Aging to learn about what resources are in your area?
Will he need to check with State DSHS regarding elder care, limited incomes, etc. rules and coverages for low-income Medicare recipients?
Locate clinics that are maybe quieter ambiance, specialize in elders?
Does Dad prefer alternative medicine--are any practitioners in your area?
Does Dad have special medical needs--where are those providers near you?
Will Dad need to change his Primary care provider?
How about signing up for a new Advantage or Supplemental health care plan [because he moved too far away], to cover where Medicare leaves off?
IF Dad is moving across State lines, he will need to change what he has--that's usually annually, unless he's a welfare recipient, in which case that might be changeable monthly--there's deadlines to adhere to.
Does he have a Part D coverage? If he's on Medicare, he MUST have one--or, have a "credible for Part D coverage plan". Fairly recent, V.A. pharmacy became such--so he can get meds thru that if he's a veteran, for greatly reduced cost.
Is there a V.A. clinic or hospital near you, if he can access that?
CUE: for Advantage or Supplemental Plans: if he's gonna travel, look into Supplemental Plans; if he stays-put mostly, look into Advantage Plans.
Know what his health issues are, or what likely might develop.
Know where you would seek, for instance, O2 or medical equipment suppliers--are there any Durable Medical Equipment donation "banks"--these often provide needed equipment for free--or donation, depending on low income.
Study-up now, on elder care--this is a great site to start that!
Will he need your help to find business contacts when he moves in with you?
Can you direct him to the nearest gym?
IF he's signed up with a local HMO Advantage Plan, many of those include Gym memberships/access. OTH, some gyms are NOT ADA safe--depending on the person.
Have you considered, instead of adding onto the house, maybe placing one of those ready-made storage buildings in the back yard, and tricking that out to be a living space for Dad ---THAT helps make privacy--nice, fast, cheaper than adding onto the house, depending on location, and how well you can bend rules---
---like: get permit to place largest backyard "storage building[s]" allowed; maybe 2 smaller ones of them if necessary....then add insulation, electrical, and plumbing on the QT..] There are VERY many ways to do these things, limited only by creativity and funds.
Some even park a nice RV in their yard [far cheaper, used than new], under one of those strong metal RV shelters, with full hookups camouflaged under shrubs or such; the Elder lives in it, BUT --- IF anyone asks, it's only an "office" or "workshop", not a "domicile"....to anyone asking, "Dad lives in the house with us"; "Dad spends most of his time in that space to get some privacy".
People have been forced into those kinds of arrangements, because so many municipalities have outlawed in-law dwellings in the yard, and outlawed anyone living in an RV on private property--even in very rural areas.
Some build a total RV shelter garage; then none can see what goes on in there.
These laws are travesties that blatantly discriminate against family integrity, against millions of elders [and other family members] in need of safe, really low-cost, decent housing.
This situation often prematurely forces elders into elder care homes before they really need those.
Laws to abolish families' providing separate housing on their properties for their elders or other family members, have been promoted behind the scenes by burgeoning elder-care and other industries, over the last 50 years.
But those are slowly being challenged and reversed, as more people push Counties and Municipalities to allow them again, to make Accessory Dwelling spaces on their properties.
What gets allowed, remains to be seen--it's up to people to push to get laws changed into something more useful.