It is after all my idea but I am getting nervous. He is fine health wise but not financially. He is in the area where I grew up and many family members are as well as his friends. I live 5 states away. My brother is in the same town as my dad, my sister is about the same distance as I but neither will have him come with them. My dad and I get along very well as does my wife. We have a good size house and the kids are out. My issue is he is still active in work and mobile. I don't know how to handle the day to day issues. I work at home. I will have to move my office from my nice sunny room to the basement to give him a living area. Finance should not be too much of an issue but I feel my siblings should contribute. How do I handle that? We are planning to add on to the house but that is a huge cost I cannot bear. We lost my mom recently, she did everything for my dad, he is progressing in getting things done but once he moves in how do we all keep our personal space? My biggest fear is him falling into depression. Currently he owns his business which my brother works in. I want him to work at least 3 hours a day (be out of the house) and go to a gym or some kind of activity. He doesn't realize how active he is where he is now but he cant stay due to financial reasons. He is very close to his family there, once he is here it will be hard to go back and forth. I don't want my wife and I to be his social scene. How do I get him to make friends here without him thinking I am pushing him away? Too many questions, I need something I just don't know what.
After my caregiving responsibilities were over (and I had completed rehab after bi-lateral knee replacements) my husband and I went on a weekend trip to the Finger Lakes. Shortly after leaving, as we were driving along, it hit me: “We just walked out of the house!” What I meant was, it was so easy: no planning, no preparation, no arrangements to be made for my MIL’s care. I had this HUGE sense of freedom.
One thing different in my caregiving situation was that I was an in-law caregiver. So I really never struggled with the guilt issue, although the word is used in some form 36 times in my book, “What to Do about Mama?” On p.167 it says, for example: “And then, too, are the guilt-producing, nagging thoughts that we could or should be doing a better job.” I think this statement might identify the origin of your feelings of guilt.
As far as your siblings are concerned, I would say STRONGLY that you not wait for them to communicate with you. The fact that they are not indicates that they are avoiding the situation and are willing to let the burden fall upon you (and to give them some benefit of the doubt, they may be feeling guilty about it). However, if they do indeed have guilt, they are likely to manifest it by becoming defensive and by making excuses. So make a list of your needs, have a family meeting, and have everyone sign up for what they can do. Put it in a “contract” and have everyone sign as an acknowledgement of their understanding and commitment. Make it clear that not being involved is not a choice and is not up for negotiation.
Barb
I am home 24 hours a day at times, he does not pay attention to his dogs needs which is why his house was a mess with dog urine. He lets him down the stairs while we are getting our morning going and now his dog is in need to care while he goes about his business. My garage is so full it will never be empty, now I have to see about putting items in storage at a cost which I do not have. I have paid for part of the move but he has not offered to help with the cost. OK I am venting here, sorry......
As far a getting him out, he did see a job, I am sure they wont hire him due to his age and limited mobility (he moves around but his weight and knees are slowing him down). The job requires a phone and car which he has, knowledge of the business he has but he needs a laptop, now I have to buy him a laptop? Even if he buys it I will be the one doing all the work!
Here is my question after all this rambling.
What kind of job can I get him at 78? He knows construction and sales very well.
Who would hire him?
How do I I get him to agree to go to an exercise program without me having to go?
He is so used to being taken care of the air is out of the balloon on motivation unless he is spending money.
Your dessert story reminds me of my mom. I never order dessert when I go out. She always tried to. Often I would tell her I was way too stuffed. It really did start to get under my skin.
On wanting to go everywhere you do - I understand that he's lonely and enjoying being around you all the time, but this is where you will need to gently assert your need to spend time alone with your wife, your daughter. If you wait for him to say " no, you two go and have a good time", you may end up with that never happening.
On the job - would he be good at teaching at the local vocational school? People who've been in the field have a wealth of really good information in construction.
On the dessert - sounds like my mom, too. She doesn't ask, it's " you need to" or "I'll get x to do that for me". It's a control thing. Which is why you would benefit from setting boundaries now. The best advice my sister gave me was to tell Mom "that's not possible" and leaving it at that. It covers everything from spending to going out.