It's all about her head to toe ailments. She wants to go to doc every week. She's driving me crazy. She's 91, in AL (she demanded to go there, to "save me from having to work so hard"), and hates everyone and everything. Her GP has an email system and she writes them every week. She wanted me to take her to the doctor to ask if she can quit taking her one Advil.
She kept getting UTI's and ended up with a catheter. Solved the UTI's but now she hates that doctor and is bitter about that whole thing. Gripes about every aspect of that, including the type of tape, every piece of equipment, having to keep it clean, etc. The equipment supply people and I are on first name basis because she keeps changing what she wants and her supplies are NEVER right. She doesn't even consider that she hasn't had a UTI since getting the cath. She just hates the doctor for not telling her the paper tape doesn't stick well. Her next appointment is with the nurse she doesn't like...I'm really looking forward to THAT appointment (not).
She tries to micromanage her bowel functions. She's always done that, but it's gone over the top since she has nothing else but her body to think about. She won't do the many activities the AL provides because she "might have to go to the bathroom". She won't ride the bus on their outings, yet wants me to take her to the same places.
Dad wasn't dead five minutes before she grabbed his walker and started using it, well before she needed to, "in case she gets weak and might fall", so now she DOES need it. She's stooped over from leaning on it, her legs are now weakened and her back hurts. Her doctor tells her to go to their chair exercise...she refuses...might have to go to the bathroom, don't ya know. She tells her to do the activities...nope, refuses. She tells her ways to reduce her extreme depression...Mom won't do any of them. She measures her urine output and examines the color. It's nuts! Yet the whole time she's doing all this, the minute she sees me, she hangs her head and says she wants to die. After years of trying to fix every complaint she has had, I'm at my wits' end, exhausted, and feeling guilty for not being able to fix her gripes and guilty if I stand up to her and say no, I won't make a doctor appointment to ask if you can stop taking that Advil pill...just stop! Solving one issue is like taking your hand out of a bucket of water...another one immediately takes its place. I am blessed with wonderful siblings willing to help but she doesn't want them...she wants me!!!!! I know the answer, I just have a hard time dealing with the guilt and pressure...and needed to vent. Thanks.
his mother is not quite this far along, but she does seek contact through medical
issues, handles this beautifully. I admire this. Not quite sure how he does it, he
is a nice man. He is decisive, focuses on relating to his Mom in other ways, and ignores his sisters less than helpful input. I am not helping much here, guess I am just saying I know someone who is using a "kindness" behavior modification strategy that seems to work. Could I do it, I think not.
She has lost control of her life so she is grabbing at you, the only thing left that she CAN control. I had to say No over and over. I had to call my Mom on her stuff and stop allowing her to passively/aggressively take over my life. But I did it in a loving and kind way. I just didn't react. If I said No to a doc visit and she got mad I just let her be mad. I would tell her she could pitch all the fits she wanted but it wouldn't change my mind. Or, when she would act out and be all mad, I would tell her that I'm going home because it's not enjoyable for me to visit when she acted that way. Or I would suggest she call one of my siblings if it was that important. Your Mom is like a child now and, like a child, is pitching fits to get her way. Did you tolerate that behavior from your children? Having said all this I do know how difficult this is so I will say one last thing. As has been said, she might need an antidepressant. YOU might need an antidepressant. For certain, seeing a therapist/counselor would help you deal with your guilt. It did for me. I learned how to set those boundaries without any guilt. And when my Mom passed I never once said to myself..."what if I had...." or "if only I had". And I didn't carry resentments. When I took care of myself it got better. Good luck!
Going to the doctors so much wore me out. She would call to make an appointment and would get so angry if I said no. She was a super bully. Looking back, I don't know how I put up with it.
What Vstefans wrote is so true. It was obsessive thinking, coupled with the fondness she had for her doctor. She told me that he made her feel better because he always cared. I'm sure that Mom probably drove the poor man crazy with all her imaginary problems. I know she almost drove me crazy.
By the way, do you visit your Mom the same schedule each day? I remember reading on here where someone had their Mom in a nursing home and all Mom did was complain about everything, didn't want to do anything, didn't want to join the activities, or eat with others, etc..... then one day the grown child stopped by the nursing home at a different time and lo and behold, there was Mom in the middle of a group activity enjoying herself.... boy was she surprised to see her daughter standing there :)
What did you mean?