How do you deal with your deadbeat adult siblings?

… And I am not asking for advice by posting this question… I was actually asking how some of you have dealt with the very same issue that I am going through… Just a simple question

What I've decided is that I'm alone on this journey other than for help from neighbors and some of my parent's church friends. That's the reality; it's not going to change, so why stress myself worrying and becoming angry about it?

Life isn't fair, caregiving isn't fair, and worrying, stressing and becoming angry only affect ME, not those who aren't participating. So I'm not going to allow myself to become upset by the fact that this is primarily a solo journey.

I have two adult brothers - we all live in the suburbs of a large city, although they are west and I am east. Our parents lived in the city. Six years ago our parents both had a health crisis at the same time - they went into separate rehabs - agreeing that it was time to sell their house of 50 years and move to a retirement community where my dad had paid caregivers and my mom fully recovered and went back to her busy life. I became my parents "personal assistant" - for lack of a better title. I arranged for and supervised the caregivers, took care of medications, helped dad with the administrative aspects of their lives - meaning I took care of everything but dad had to sign the checks. From the start one brother was somewhat helpful and the other did pretty much nothing. And that's the way it stayed for six years with the exception of me doing even more after my dad passed 18 months after moving to IL. I became my moms DPOA, mom developed dementia and became even more difficult than her usual self. For the last four years my life orbited my mothers - one brother was somewhat helpful, the other still did nothing beyond visiting mom two or three times a year - I did that many visits in a week often times. The thing is - I honestly don't hold my "do nothing brothers" behavior and attitude against him. We had a difficult childhood- I got past most of it, my brother never did. I made the choices I did because it was what was right for me - no carting around a load of guilt and only shouldering a small bag of regrets. I couldn't have behaved as my brother did any more than I could fly. We can't control others behaviors and attitudes but we can control how we react to them.

You sue them. In the 30 states that have filial responsibility laws, 21 states allow for civil court actions to obtain financial support or cost recovery, 12 states impose criminal penalties on children who do not support their parents, and three states allow both civil and criminal actions. If multiple children are able to provide financial support for their parents, courts can consider the financial situation of each child and determine how much support each child owes based on his or her ability to pay. For instance, in VA (Virginia) the statute reads that if there is more than one person bound to support the same parent(s) those individuals will be jointly and equitably responsible for their parent(s) care. Therefore in VA all adult children who are able to provide for their indigent parents need to be taken into account in the beginning of the case.

yup, this forum is full of us caregivers to parents abandoned by all the children but one. No, we do not understand it and never will.
give up on them as though they do not exist is how i dealt with it-
I had less pain, turned to and got help from professional aids and a listening ear here.

I have dealt with this and had very similar feelings about it. My choice was to remove myself as much as possible from the situation and bring in another (non-family) person to do most of the day to day help. I am often pressured to take on more but I resist it because I don't want to again get caught up in the trap of resentment and agitation. I try to do a minimum for my mother and to think as little as possible about it when I'm not doing it. Between the attitude of my mother and the attitudes of my siblings, it's just too infuriating for me to do more.

I don't agree with the idea of suing them, because I don't agree with laws that make adult children responsible for their parents. Besides, it wouldn't address my basic issue. I don't want my siblings to do more for my mother - I want them to do more for me. I want them to value and appreciate the sacrifice I've made for the good of all of them, I want them to be available as a source of support and consultation, I want them to be willing to engage in thinking and discussion about what can and should be done for my/their mother. It's their emotional disengagement that bothers me, and that wouldn't be addressed by suing them.

While I do not agree with this type of law, I thought I'd post it for informational purposes: The states that have some sort of Filial Responsibility laws are: Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia and West Virginia. Eight of these states include criminal penalties. For example, in Massachusetts, someone who “unreasonably neglects” to support a parent who is destitute or too infirm to maintain himself could face up to a year in prison plus a $200 fine.

Here is my problem with Filial Responsibility laws. My husband and I are doing well but, it is because we work very hard, make sound financial decisions and go without if it is not something we need.

My brothers do not have any f these traits. In fact one is 53 and has never worked. He sponges off of my mother.

So, Mom gives money to her boys, pays their bills, buys them food, shelter and sometimes vehicles. Eventually, she will be destitute. Now, most of these laws only go after the children if they have means to support the parent. That would be me. So, in essence, I have been supporting my brothers al these years. Totally not fair.

Poster here.. although I respect the views that it does no good to be angry, I will bet you that you full time care-givers who are saying that, were actually very angry, hurt, shocked, disappointed etc... not only because its a parent in common but because they genuinely allow you to be the hurt one carrying the entire situation, cost, time price, you name it.. Financially, emotionally, physically, etc. In my case there are 3 others, two sisters one bro, one dead beat generates well over 300k per year, another generates well over 120k per year, and the other, although not as healthy of an income, still sits quite comfortable. I had left the family for similar reasons (regarding their treatment of me personally) over 8 years ago.. I received a call from the two sisters a few years back stating mom was not doing well and asked if i would go check her out, etc she lived close to my bro and one sis (within 10 minutes.) Well, i must say that coming back into the family was weird enough, but they were correct, she was checking out, 14 meds, 230lbs on a 4ft 10 frame, diabetes, high blood pressure, you name it. I gave my mom a choice, "I'll help you only if you want to live otherwise im not going to invest in this time".. she chose life. So 3 years down, she lost 80lbs in the first year, diabetes gone, high blood pressure gone, body in good shape, I fired 3 of her docs, found one that believed in quality vs quantity, and shes down to one med.

Her body became healthy while her mind was starting to show memory loss, slight, but it was there. I moved her into an assisted, her memory started declining quick. Within 8 months facility stole approx 10k worth of her personal belongings out of her storage room in her apartment. After I filed two theft reports with their local Sheriffs dept she was then handed an eviction notice, she had days to leave ... the other three said no way, so I took her home with me. Her memory was short term lacking but her life skills were still pretty solid, I placed her in a one bed secular close to me, i was there 2 sometimes 3 times a day. No one else showed, ever .. mothers day, christmas, no one ... Her life skills started slipping I began staying the night, and have been caring for her a solid 24 /7 for the last 6 months. Makes my total investment in her 3.8 years to date. My mother is extreme low income, she qualify for zero in-home assistance, the only way I could get her assistance is if she still qualified (eligible after health evaluation) for assisted again, or it was nursing home when she wasnt that far yet. The other three suggested I drop her off at a county run nursing home (said; "why dont you just leave her at a door step") all 3 of them were not willing to help me help her with money nor time share so I could get back to my business, my work to earn the fricking money to pay for everythin. At this point I was being drained, financially physically exhausted, the worse she became the more time i had to be with her, I could no longer afford any for-hire help, etc. And nursing home? I refused to do that to her, even on a humane level .. .I told them its cruel and psychologically damaging to place her (anyone) in a nursing care environment when shes not at that point, etc.. They said well we're sure the hell not gonna mess with it. (Im speaking kind here, that is not what they've said) ...

Longer story shortened here, shes at my home, Ive lost my biz, I had lost my own home, now residing in a rental and shes parked (living) in the living room ... shes on waiting lists for two assisted living facilities thru the Medicare Waiver program, when" and if" a room opens. This is in Nebraska, Nebraska recognizes no Filial laws nor anything regarding real life (one of the worst states to be in when needing a law suit) zero punitive, zero fault. zip. Do I wish i could arrest them, yes, with every ounce of my being,with every drop of my soul ... because to me, to turn your back on your own mother, who was never abusive, never cruel to them, she worked allot when we were younger, but other than that she kept a roof over their heads and mouths fed and clothed, and she loved them all... i think we can all agree they are doing it to spite me, and to me, that is beyond inhumane. Adults should step above their own issues to care for and make sure needs of a human are met, especially within their own families, especially a mother/a parent. ..and yes they are all aware of how I feel, (if theyve read one of the 32 emails) or listened to the voice messages over teh last 15 months...they are even aware of how she feels, and still, they walk away. They should not be allowed to enjoy their lives without some heavy pressure for what they've done. All this "God sees what theyve done, theyll get theirs later" ... well this is now, this is real and they are wrong, irresponsible and just, cold. very cold. And shes suffered, and shes well taken care of, but Im the one that took the hit.

I don't agree with the laws because few of us have any control over (or even in many cases knowledge of) our parents' finances up until the point when they go broke and we are asked to step in and make up the shortfall. If I had any say about it, my mother would have worked at least until age 62 instead of retiring at age 58 and using her inheritance from her parents to bridge the gap until her SS started up. I certainly wasn't consulted - I never had any knowledge of her finances until she started asking me for money.

I also think it's wrong on principle to hold people responsible for expenses they never agreed to or benefitted from. Just not right, IMO.

....yes our parents have a responsibility as do we, to better prepare for our own years of need that we will "all' have, (but honestly most down think about especially if they are hand to mouth as my mother has always been) ... but when they haven't, is it fair to burden the children?.. not always, no, and i honestly believe that, but sometimes, yes. Each case is somewhat different and in those states that allow filial to be recognized then those suits are carefully built and based upon ability to pay per adult kid. For those of you who think its unfair, let me ask you something, where do you think a portion of your hard earn money already goes towards.. yes, people like your parents who have nothing left, except you dont know them, your money is dished out for ya to absolute strangers (Taxes, medicade medicare etc)... So perhaps you better start thinking about having some very important conversations and like now, over the holidays with your parents, your siblings, etc sit down with some eggnogg and say "So whos paying for who" .. and get things in order, and figured out because weighing only one person down with all of it, kills them in many ways ... That act should be against the law, as it is, just not in my state. Merry Frisking Christmas.

"Frisking was a typo" and so would be "Frucking"

Tired1of4- a couple of thoughts in response to your postings. (1) I'm happy to pay taxes for the common good, and I consider it an obligation in return for a civilized society, but I would not be happy to pay for my own parents knowing how irresponsible they've been. (2) When your siblings told you to drop your mom on a doorstep, you should have dropped her on the doorstep of the first one to say that. "Granny dumping" will get you arrested, and I'm surprised your siblings didn't know that. (3) Those discussions get you nowhere if nobody is willing to commit to anything. Besides, most people (including the elderly parent) don't want to consider the idea that they will become more needy and dependent. Most parents and siblings will say "Let's deal with that if and when it happens." And in reality, some people (maybe a lot) will die before becoming disabled, so it's not inevitable. Plus nobody knows what their own situation will be when and if the parent becomes disabled. One of my sisters said she'd take Mom in before letting Mom go to a nursing home, but that sister is now deceased and Mom is still managing in her own home. So you just never know, and I don't blame people for not wanting to commit themselves in advance to an unknowable reality. I do blame them for not stepping up when help is needed and another sibling is bearing the brunt of it, as in your situation.

...about your suggestion, I actually tried the proverbial dropping her off at their doorstep... (I called first) they said they were not home, and that they would not ever "be home for what I had in mind" .... also I care about her feelings, emotion and psychological state, knowing they are not open to her care, I could imagine they would treat her with anger and shun if i were to actually drop and run... if you know what i mean. and regarding your other statement/thoughts about taxes, i was showing that those who do not wish to donate to parents are already doing so in a round-about-way. .... Then you say youre surprised my siblings dont know that their words or actions could be construed as against the law, do you think they care, if they are showing zero regard for her already, they clearly are not concerned of their "how they sound" appearance... I told you I would seriously enjoy having them arrested, I am not confused nor wishy washy on that fact. And they will never be dropping her anywhere, i am POA general & health.

I am from a large family, where 5 of 6 siblings are pretty involved to very involved with my mother's care and while this creates its own difficult problems, it is a much nicer issue to deal with than yours. My thoughts of my sibling that has nothing to do with mom's care and your problems with you siblings is this: we all have hugely different life paths, and you (wondrously )seem to have taken the most difficult and most rewarding of any possible path there is. Do whatever you need to do to stay healthy mentally and physically and leave the "do-nothings" to do exactly that. Get any support you can from sites like this and other people you have contact with who are your real "family."

... in reality, all other crap aside, am I alone in this, yes, in every way possible... but should they get away with it... in my mind, h*l no. h*ll no.

I have the same issue Im one of 6. I go to church but the resentment is huge even still. They dont even come iver for Holidays. I dont consider them my siblings anymore.

Tired1of4, No it's not right, and No its not fair, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. We arw in the same boat here, having my FIL living with us X 14 years, while my husband's 2 siblings so absolutely nothing towards the care of their Father, Nothing! You just have to resign yourself to the fact, and try your best to get on with it, and find her and yourself the best possible care that you can, in support of her, and more importantly you! Try reaching out to your local (county) Area on Aging, as they may be able to find you some avenues to help in the everyday basics nessesities of life. Have you looked into Adult day care, which may allow you to pursue a job, and alow you time to yourself, and personal freedom? It's really hard, but your siblings are out of the picture, probably never to return, unless there is something in it for them.

My husband's siblings only call to stir up trouble, usually about 3 X per year. We are currently in one of those cycles, where they call with big tales to tell, putting one deadbeat sibling against the other, or circling to get money out of the Old Man.

They re of the misunderstanding that he recieves large pensions monthly, Ha! He does have 2 pensions, one is about 200, and on is only 140, then his only other monies is his SS, so about 2000/per month. His other monies we have locked up in CD's, not that there is a lot, but it is for his own needs down the line, whenbwe can no longer care for him, which is becoming more apparent every day, and 13 years is definitely taking it's toll.

In the most recent round of phone calls, hubby did finally speak up, asking brother what he could contribute (knowing of course there would be nothing), and he did say he might be able to give a couple of hundred now and then, Ha, that was only offered, so that my husband would continue to entertain this round of phone calls, all pertaining to things that happened 20/30+ years ago, which we have no time nor interest to even care about!

Our only interest, is in what they might do, in way of helping their Father and us, but fully understand that nothing will come of it.

These phone calls are really theirbway of circling the wagons, and hearing updates on tbeir Dad's physical condition, wondering when he is going to croak, and if there will be any monies coming their way. It's ongoing and disgusting, but thar is the way they think! They have been led to believe that their parents had All Sorts of money and investments, by a Narcissistic parent, boasting to be relevent and the Big Man, none of it is true! Assisted living would eat through what money he has left in less than 2 years, and he's nearly 87, and in pretty good health!

We, like you, have no idea what to do with this situation, but we are stuck, trying to figure it out, as the years of our lives are taken away from us, being the only ones who stepped up to deal, after their Mom passed away.

It's best if you try to forget, as they are never going to help. That's what we've done, and No its not fair. It SUCKS! MERRY FRIGGING CHRISTMAS!

Staceyb, I had hoped you and your husband would be free from so much soon when you moved to your new place. What happened there? I probably missed things on other threads.

... totally.. the feeling of being stuck is such a "muky feeling. My sons miss me,I miss my immediate family (them) because this time she demands is stealing the time from my life, thats not a complaint, that is the very deep truth...My boys, they see the things that have gone down, theyve been the only help ive had with her, honestly and i dont allow them to do much (because that is in my control and i wont do that)... Anyway, their opinion regarding their family (aunts and uncles whome they once loved to be around and would love when i had them all over for Christmas celebrations, etc, this does not just effect me, it effects them, and its not only a shock to them to see the abandonment, but theyre old enough now, they look at me and say "Mom those people, theyre not "family, theyre selfishly pathetic"... and theyre right guys. As human beings, they are pathetic.

.. youve all written some pretty cool things, after I sit down later tonight ill go through and read them all...

its annoying when people say oh well let me know what I can do, but dont atually do anything. Or people put on a fake front and act liek they care about them when they dont. its tough to deal with it. find some assisted help to give you time to pamper yourself it will help.

... i cannot believe someone had posted something so similar to mine nearing 3 years ago on this page... she had 515 responses of which i am still reading... That post, is of a true help ... its making feel not as alone as I thought I was... the link is belowhttps://www.agingcare.com/discussions/siblings-dont-help-care-for-mom-155621.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=694120&z=1#694120

... although reality is, I am alone in this, literally, but reading so many on that post thread, knowing that others are just as disgusted with their siblings, its a little comforting

For a long time I was the only one doing anything - then when they did start stepping in some it ended up with them accusing me of all kinds of things that are outrageous. So now, I would rather just pay someone to help. And they have the nerve to ask if they need to help parents. No thanks, learned my lesson.

...i so would rather just pay someone, but Id end up spending my wage to pay someone elses wage to do the work.. its a really bad circle there .... its like parents with young children who are expected to work to pay their way in this world, yet spend 9 hours a day away from their kids to do nothing but turn around and pay a day care provider 3/4 of their wages they just earned. ( my mom is not a child, not even close except the fact she needs changing all the time, needs food prepared and help bathing, etc etc etc... a child learns and improves cognition and becomes more and more independent every day, leaps and bounds of wonder and excitement... this is not that.
And i agree with you on the other aspect, I could imagine if they stepped up and started doing even the very minimal care or minimal kindness, Im sure I would never hear the end of it either "Oh yeah!!! well I did this!! or I did that!!" they'd put up billboards all over their community and start posting pictures of them and their "frail mother to prove they are "caring of their own d@mn mom... i can hear it (and see it) now.... Its so stupid... all of it

It sounds like your siblings have already told you LOUD and CLEAR they want nothing to do with caregiving your parent. At some point in time you will just have to let this anger toward them and the situation GO. Take care of your parent, hire professionals to come in for your respite, and do not contact your siblings ever. They are toxic relationships for you and you are better off. Merry Christmas!

I am the nurse, daughter and next door neighbors. My older brothers who live far away did not have nursing experience. My dad was very private and he didn't want my brothers seeing my mom with Alzheimer's. I enabled my dad and I abided by this "protection" of his sons. Days turn into weeks, months and years. My mom died in 2003. My dad 91, just past 11/27/2016. I was the primary care provider for almost 20 years. It took a toll on me physically and emotionally. Men typically do not have that instinctual nurturing quality about them. The last few years I really needed respite care, but again, my brothers "didn't know what to do" and I kept enabling. In hindsight, and what I would have done if shoe in other foot would have sent my sister who cared for both parents a day-spa certificate, thank you notes, etc. There are so many ways to show appreciation to the child caring for parents but unfortunately it usually lands in one child shoulders and usually the daughter. Hang in there.

I don't deal with my siblings at all. Their relationship to their mother is their own. One is far away and the other nearby. Both are into their own lives which don't include their parents. I've read on here that we are responsible because we don't ask for their help. I disagree with that, since they should have enough character to deal with their parents themselves. When my mother dies my tie to the family will be broken. Until then, they can be as involved as they want to be.

One of my brothers is very religious. His family does things like visit old folks in nursing homes, and even having the kids do dances. I've always seen such irony in this -- dancing for the old folks somewhere else while their own parents die alone at home. Things like this can make me see that Christian ideals for even the most devout can be all for show, but not felt deeply inside.