How do you deal with your deadbeat adult siblings?

Pretend you're an only child and do what you need to do. Let the remaining siblings deal with their own guilt. You have enough to do. I am an only child and often wish a sibling might help with the tasks or at least give me some respite. Not going to happen, so I do what I have to. Your story gives me some help, though. Even with siblings there is no guarantee of help. My grandmother always said that one mother could take care of 8 children, but 8 children can't take care of one mother. Hang tough and don't try to read the mind of others. Healthier for you. Hugs for what you're going through.

Jessiebelle said "I don't deal with my siblings at all. Their relationship to their mother is their own. One is far away and the other nearby. Both are into their own lives which don't include their parents. I've read on here that we are responsible because we don't ask for their help. I disagree with that, since they should have enough character to deal with their parents themselves. When my mother dies my tie to the family will be broken. Until then, they can be as involved as they want to be."

I could not agree more wholeheartedly. When my mother passes and my brothers realize that they have not seen her in her last couple of years, and have not had a real phone conversation with her in years, they will mourn publicly and make a big show of missing her but they will have to deal with knowing what they didn't do for her on their own.

I also know, and have said for years, once my mother passes, I will never give another thought to two of my brothers ever again. The only times their names are ever spoken in my house now is when my mother brings them up.

Well, I think $2000 is a lot, I'm getting ready to live on that amount for the rest of my life. So money is not your issue, I venture, but your time, and aggravation. In my case, when my Mom died leaving Dad still in the house, but approaching dementia, I was told that I wasn't included in the will because I am not worthy. I know this not to be the case, my parents told me years ago they were leaving everything to my sibling because they expected him to be able to keep up the house as he had been living with them for over a decade. Well, I leave that in the past, though I am mad at my Mom for not naming my other sibling the executor since the one in charge has a lot of debt and probably not very good at handling money. So I help when I can, but mostly what he wants is someone to complain to, and I don't tell me, but I'm thinking, what you are doing is your job so to speak, you get a salary, about 70k a year all told, not including the house you will inherit, so you have a lot of overtime. He has no outside job, but it is a FT job to keep that household going, and I wish he would recognize that. I can't say a thing, his temper is extremely volatile, and it is killing him. If he would just accept this is what he is doing. He has a job as a caregiver, he can hire others to give him respite but won't, he needs to enjoy his life such as it is. His parents left him with a job and money to care for them. It's not like they are destitute and he has to sacrifice his own life to care for them. THAT would be a misfortune. To be left an ill parent with a good bit of money (not quite enough for 24/7 care) and a house to boot, that is not unbearable, IMHO. I would change positions if necessary. I don't tell him that, because he really has no other prospects than as caregiver for our parents. He can't see the good side of the half full glass. And it is pitiable to see my Dad's health slide downwards...... It is up to him to work to not let that sadness engulf him, and he can't see that! So sad....

I believe there is complete blindness in these comments ... for instance "Ferris one"… If all you can take from everything I've written is to tell me to "let go" as if I have completely lost sight of what my siblings have been saying by their insults and univolvement. As if you believe I am "stupid? .. you somehow thinking I need tobereminded of the obvious??? And you do so in some kind of self proclaimed authoritative condensending type (type" meaning implication and intent shown thru written form.) if you can only learn by reading what another has said by you choosing to "read only what you want to fit your clearly shallow response... then I'm afraid You are no different than the very siblings that are acting as selfishly as they possibly can to prove they are first in their lives ...

...and "rualwannabe" what are you even talking about $2000?… And money is not my problem?… What are you even talking about… No really that is so bizarre

..... and as I have said before and actually I'm getting quite tired of repeating it… I can assure all of you who have actually been full-time caregiver of a mother or father of whom has no income of their own… ( and many commenting have not been … You have been through your anger and hate etc. that has lasted a very long time… But everyone comes on here and act like you are all angels and you have suddenly or always just come to the conclusion that oh well they will learn their lesson … Is total BS.

Total crap

… I would never come on here and tell another person who has experience what I am experiencing right now that they need to learn to let go and that their siblings will learn later in life… I would never do that to anyone becauseNumber one that is a very Cold insult to intelligence, mine… Especially When i am currently and actually living the h*ll that this causes… I am paying for their desertion in all ways.. financially and other... And I have lost much because of it. my mother does not have a will… She does not have an estate… There will be no memorial drama events because of kids wanting money after their parent passes as so many on here are commenting … That is not what the situation is. This situation is a real life present ongoing torture of having the sudden responsibility and when I say sudden I mean over the last 16 months of complete financial and physical care of a dementia read an elderly parent . In which that parent is seen as a nobody buy her own government… There are no free help out there that does not exist so all of you saying that I need to hire and help I am so sick of you saying that because I have already written… That I cannot afford anymore… And I'm talking a loaf of freaking bread . This whole thing is a waste of my time even logging in after a notice is sent to my email that someone responded... I'll tell u what, you guys go live your stuff and continue writing the same crap over and over again withought ever actually " reading… personally i find it all (except for a few genuinely interested and respectful) the rest, is simply insensitive and insulting ..

... truth be told "ferrisone" are you caring for a parent? No because you are in your 80's yourself, correct? .fromwhat I've read you are at home with an aging husband... you may be giving him care, just as you have been for what? 40 years and you come on here acting as if you are caring in the same manner as a child or other who cares for a parent ??? No similarities excepting perhaps some "actions, meds etc... the entire "feeling between a married couple caring for each other thru to death is different than a child caring for a parent ... completely different roots and blocks of emotions from that dynamic, from that relationship.so I'm not sure why you speak on these ..

Im furious

Yes, I agree that it is a shame/disappointment, that when there are more than 1 sibling in a family, that only 1 sibling ends up doing the caregiving role.

Your mother must be very hurt by the lack of love that is shown by her other children.

I empathize with you and I can understand your anger and frustration.
As far as I know, unless there is a contract that identifies the other siblings as caretakers of your mom, you would not be able to sue your siblings.

In my case, I am doing the best I can, (as my sibling is not interested in helping our mom). I hire out services when I can. Thank goodness mom has helpful neighbors.

"Kindness of strangers" comes to mind, as in my circle of experiences is that family doesn't.

In trying to stay on the topic: How to deal with your deadbeat siblings…
I’d like to change the topic to: Dealing with un-involved siblings.
Let's try and get a larger picture of who you are and what you are trying to accomplish. Here are a few facts:
-Family member elder care is most often done by the female children. (The girls take their parents in much quicker than the boys)
-Elder care is HARD! (Physically, emotionally, financially. )
-EVERYONE will need Elder Care. (Your parents need it and at some point so will you)
-Most people DON’T plan for it. (Which makes it harder)
-Our society in the US has not embraced FAMILY ELDER CARE GIVING. (Specifically PREPARING to take your parents into your home and care for them. We are a SELF care society. We fall very short of PREPARING to care for our parents and planning for our own elderly care within our own homes. How much time have you spent talking to your children about when you will need elder care help and how you guys want to help them help you?)
Here are some things to do and think about when YOU are caring for your parent(s):
1. For whatever reason YOU’VE been called to do it and it will get done.
a. If no one else ever lifts a finger to help you, you’ve been called to get it done and it will get done.
b. Seek personal counseling for yourself. The anger of un-involved siblings can add more stress. It can take a few years off your life too. It’s not worth it. Life is not fair. You will hit brick walls! Seek community help groups. Ask and seek. Connect with those that WILL help you. Spend your energy getting the care done. You’ll be HAPPY you did.
2. I myself, like the previous commenters don’t understand why the siblings don’t get that it’s hard or that I just need some relief. Why don’t they call and say “I have some vacation time. I’ll stay with mom/dad or you can bring her/him here for a few days.” ?
a. If you’ve asked for their help and they won’t…
b. If you’ve begged for their help and they won’t….They are not going to HELP.
c. You may never know why they won’t or can’t help.
d. Find another way to get it done. You’ll be HAPPY you did.
3. Call on Jesus the ultimate helper! He will help YOU get it done!
a. JESUS WILL BE HAPPY YOU DID IT!
4. Be honest if you can’t do it anymore. Assisted livings and those kinds of facilities have their proper purpose/place in life at the proper time.
5. Life is hard, but God is Good! I hope I helped someone!

Tired 1 of 4….. Take a breath. Take care of yourself. Go to counseling. Release your anger properly. Your anger is well noted and understandable. I highly advise you to take care of yourself first so you can continue to take care of your loved one. I think other commentators are trying to say work through the anger you have with your siblings by keeping the focus on your good health and continued ability to care for your loved one. A good counselor can show you how to deal with siblings that say and do dumb stuff. When my mother was hospitalized my sister came to visit her and acted horrible to me. I had to call security on her. Your siblings are a FEW people who have declined to help you care for your loved one. Spend the energy finding all the people that WILL help you. I promise you over time the number of people that will help you are 10X more than those that won’t. But you gotta find them. Seek and Ask! How about putting it this way: Hang TIGHT with relationships that are helping you reach your goals in caring for your loved ones. Hang LOSE with those that don’t. You’ve been chosen! You are the CHOSEN ONE! Give the best dog gone care you can give every day to yourself and your loved one. Change your screen name to Mighty Mouse(or something that shows courage and power)! You’re going to do this with or without their help! Praise Jesus!

To think that I thought I was alone. So many issues others have, I go through daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. I feel for each and every one of you who love your parent so much you give as you do. I too am in this situation. I found someone to live in my house to assist my mother while I am out of country, and still they insist on wreaking havoc in my house with my mother. I too am trying to leave them totally out of my life, I am moving forward without any guilt and trying to help my mom.

Rock on Hengsway! You found a way to keep getting it done! Whooo! Who! Keep moving forward! Take care of yourself and your mom. You Rock!

Hi Peeps,
Please post how you are getting done without the help of siblings (I'm not promoting not allowing siblings to help. Just responding to how tough it is to get them to help and what to do when they don't help)! Tell us how people and community resources came and helped when you least thought they would be the ones to help. Also tell us how you got an un-involved sibling to get involved in helping (money, dog treats, whatever worked, LOL as I have no shame!). I can't wait for the awesome stories!!!!

I understand your situation. Mine is a bit different, it is a grandparent. However, there are six other grandchildren who do not help at all. Every time I have reached out looking for help meaning someone to stay with him so we can leave the house for a bit or just try to enjoy life no one has time always busy. It does become frustrating they are all living their lives and mine is on the back burner. I have come to realize there is nothing you can do, if they don’t want to help they will always have an excuse. It is like they feel relief that someone else is handling the problem for them. Hang in there I know it is hard but at the end I hope you can feel a bit of satisfaction that you were there to help your mom.

For all who are caring for someone you LOVE, remember, when the end comes, you will have no guilt to cry over, just sweet memories you made during the time of need. I always before commenting or actually judging (we all judge at some time), try and think about placing yourself in that person's position and see how you would feel. My mom's hurt and pain is something I am having problems dealing with and am always trying to fix for her; however, now I know that I cannot undo what others have done, I can only try and continue to do better. Tired isn't the word, but at the end of each day, I lay my head down, pray and can go to sleep.

Ziggy... in respect to all your good intentions... you've got to be kidding me. lol. Question for you; what capacity are you caring for someone. Listen, my IQ would put a counselor in a straight jacket thru their lack of being able to handle what I say to them. I don't do "councelors" they are human. Some of the most helpful "therapists and coucelors commit suicide, because they are only good to tell others what they think others should do, but their own lives are a phychological nightmare. And I don't need to change my name, because I am tired. I'm not a Girl Scout nor little miss a ray of sunshine ... I'm what people call a "realist with hope" ... and no, "others out there do not rush to the call for help regarding changing elderly diapers, sitting hours while hearing dementia fed communication and waiting hand and foot on that same person... so I'm not sure where you are even from, Earth? (And I mean that gently with a smile) ... I didn't create this post to get pats on gen back, I needed to hear others b**ch about the reality some of us face when entire families do the absolute worst ...abandon someone who once was close to them. That's all I wanted to hear. (But thank you)

...to "SherwoodPark" ... it hurts her, because she's done allot for one of them. She's getting a bit lost in her thoughts saying "it's you and me against the world" type statements, yesterday I have kids that hear that. She's not a loving grandmother, it's just not in her, and it's not like it's changed, she's ever been.. for ten most part she's viewed her grandchildren as "problems ... as pains in her a**... my sons feel that as she's taking up our entire living room. She scorns them as they walk by, even though they get her everything they ask. Even though they've helped her back up after she's sunk to the floor by sliding out her chair, etc. as soon as the assisted living apartment is ready I will be moving her there and then, I repair what's happened. The siblings? They'll reap what they've sewn, or they won't. Bottom line is; we had a mother in common, and they allowed one kid out of 4 to take the hit, period.

...and to all of you, do excuse the ridiculous typos ... I'm typing from a rather small iPad and this site doesn't have option to "edit ... so I apologize for any struggle in reading.

... Im going to say this ... if you are caring full time, you know exactly what that means... that means you have no help to come into your home (or your parent/s home) to divide "time...to give you fair and considerate breaks and to allow you to retain choice and freedom. If you are said persons cook, maid, launderer, errand boy, bathing help, their hairdresser, clothes dresser, their barber/stylist, their nurse, their med aid, and their financial advisor, their entire provider, then you are caring for someone "above full time. If you are only helping them a couple to few hours per week, you are not a full time care giver. If your loved one is in an assisted living or nursing home, then you are not a full time caregiver. If you are only helping said person even 3 to 4 days, 5 to "7 hours per day you are not a full time caregiver. I, am a beyond full time caregiver of my mother. 24/7/365. She does not have any income to speak of, her income is not even on the charts when deciding national levels of typical poverty. (Her income is less than 11k per year. She has no private insurance of any kind (she carries Medicare/Medicare) she has no property, no estate, no will' to even be argued. She is simply a human being alive and breathing at the age of 76 who's own age related mental and physical capacity does not allow for her total independence. At the moment She coughs and hacks phlegm 24 hours per day, she sits 23.5 hours per day and has incontinence that is worsend by the lack of will to 'physically use the restroom. She prefers to be waited on, but while she's in my home there's actually no other way, beings my kitchen is 6 stairs up. Her "status in society is nill. She is basically an invisible statistic. Her government, although she's worked and paid into society's bank roll and help fund the illegal entity called the IRS, all for over 56 years, she's allowed no assistance what so ever to support or condone independence unless I pay for it, unless I hire someone to come into my home so I can leave to work to earn the money to pay them .... and she is only allowed physical in-home (in facility) assistance 'if'' she is placed within a facility. But she can only afford to be in a facility if any such facility will allow her to reside by being qualified through the "Governments Medicade Waiver Program" (the income gap filler between her income and a facilities abuse of charges.) Which means, regardless of her other kids not pitching in, it becomes the reality of time and physical care that she needs to live safe and comfortable ... I'm not speaking to live above her means, we're taking safe and minimally comfortable... and that means an assisted living facility when one is willing to take her because of her income limitations. The 'physical time' that a person such as she needs has destroyed my life plan, my income, and assuredly my near future. It's not a "oh buck up and be glad to know she'll die and you'll be happy to know you took care of her"... ummm, no, because she could live another 20 years... and if I don't place her I will have ruined not only my life, but my children's ..and for what? Just to say I did? It's been going on for pushing 18 months now ... and that folks is why I'm p-oed (angry, very raw and deeply so) at my siblings. Because it would have taken very little of their shared help to make this entire situation, livable, affordable and doable. Without it destroying another in the process. So, someone asked how has out side help 'helped beyond even siblings? ... it's called loans, money being borrowed to keep lights on, it's called selling everything I own to pay rent, it's called no one calls back when I ask "how soon before a place for my mother is ready".. it's called ... it's called "hearing "I'm sorry, she's not qualified" to be tattooed on my back. ;)

....ziggy123... who are you.

...no really, I wanna know. You've written on my posted question, even similar to some of my own things I've written... so who are you. And more-so what are you trying to accomplish here, because you are failing. You are sounding how shall I say, rather insulting and condensending to intelligence ... so, and only answer if you will answer honestly, what do you do for a living ... who are you.

When my dad began to fail my eldest brother said that he would "not enable our parents to not face the reality" that my mother (has Alz.) needed to be relocated. He is very cerebral, owns his own law firm. Poppa passed within 3 months. My other brother and I traded every other week Caring for her for a year.

Then I retired at 55 to be the full time caregiver. Wealthy brother was not comfortable with me being paid to care for mom , I feared he would drag me into court and have had no compensation. I worked for the same company for 27 years and had I stayed 7 more years my pension would have been $4400 a month, instead of the $1,700 I get. I am using up savings and may be poor by the end of my days. I have been the sole care giver for three years except for hired help 5 hours a week.

As it turns out he visits for a few hours three times a year. He has never asked to look at the books and treats me with respect. I do not admire or particularly respect my eldest brothers position. But, I chose this path with all it's sacrifices and hardships because it was the best option for me. He did not make me do it. I could not have lived with myself if I had not seen to her well being and kept her in her home as long as it served her best. He is wired differently. He would not make a good caregiver for any real length of time.

I have no animosity towards him, but I his position has caused a dent in my otherwise significant respect for him. I do think that there is a possibility that after my mother passes we will just fade away and out of one another's life. So be it. It is not good or bad, it just is.

... so Gershun, kindly 'list the 'everyone' ... Let me know who "everyone is. If you can show me that those I've disagreed with had stayed on the question posted, and are commenting about the question I asked when I started this post, then you will see I have not argued (correct term would be 'disagreed with any of those who have stayed within the question as a personal e perience. I repeat, I wrote the post question, correct? We should probably 'agree on that... So kindly, let me ask you not to come on this post to grand stand. Thanks.

The question was/is; "...how do you deal with your dead beat adult siblings" ... the question was not "..please give suggestions or your opinions of how I should or anyone else "deal with, etc. can you see, understand the difference. Now, as many have expressed and shared their e perience, they have been very brave to come under this question I posted and speak of their own very tough experiences with "their own" siblings or family members who have left them to handle a very difficult situation ...and those people are to be commended... where-as ones like you, or others who are quite possibly out to stop or curb very real emotions, feelings, etc about very serious situations and to minimize the very real effects of such experiences to nothing more than the sweet nothings that are said on forums to people living very real situations.. many sweet nothings that perhaps to some, hold little value to no value.

Wittm1... I wish I knew you in person. To say you have sacrificed would be an insult to what you've given of yourself of free choice ... in cases like yours, it's a deeper hit, it's having to choose security of your own life or choose the well being of your mother. It's a very personal and effecting choice you've made. And it shouldn't be quietly respected, it should be, you should be highly respected and heavily thanked by those in your family that could not or would not do it, or could not or would not help "you to do it.

..Gershun, this will be the last thing said to you; I find it odd that you would even come onto this question post, skim thru all the comments then speak nothing of the question itself but clearly have a direct purpose to "call me out. Yep, that's a bit odd.

I have been reading and 'listening and learning what this Agingcare. Com is, and what it is not. We are all able to get 'a feeling of an environment, even in an internet forum. When I joined this forum I thought I had found a place that I would read "real life .. and all that entails regarding aging issues and all that encompasses that. I have since learned that this forum seems to strongly support, and almost "push of many subjects to go under the rug by what seems to be a minimizing and a "poor little person" belief of some very serious issues. I am noticing many "pushes of hire-in care help, of the phycology industry, and a few others. I'm reading many comments that if I didn't know better I would almost say are 'staged blogger" comments interjected into some of these posts on this site. Now perhaps Im wrong, but one thing I am certain about the site does not 'like realism, especially any real comments that perhaps contain what they (who ever they would be) would believe to be seen as negativity or anything even close. It's appearing that they prefer to have nothing but supporting communication regardless how "fluffy how "surface" and no matter how unlikely the support would naturally be in any particular subject or comment in real life. I've been contacted by Aging care .com to keep all comments supportive p, they have gone so far as to say I personally attack and use vulgar language ... I simply responded by asking them to show me these examples they say I have done. They have never responded. Yet since then I have several comments from a few very similar to Gershuns.. I have no problem removing Agingcare . Com from my files, but let me say this... full time caregivers are not given the respect they deserve, not in society nor through legislation nor law. I plan to help try to change that, I'm not quite sure how yet, but because of my experiences the problems of such have come to light, and brightly. It's not a subject to be taken lightly nor to passively discuss. Caregivers should not be pacified, hushed or pushed to the side, because without them, including myself, many people's lives would be far different. Far different indeed.