My husband became violent and also would wonder the house all night having imagining that people were in the house. He continued to drive which had me and my family terrified he would have a fatal accident. Most recently he is in a wonderful memory care facility, it is small, personal, and he receives constant attention and care. Me heartbreak is he keeps asking when can he come home and I do not know how to answer other than saying "you need care and they care for you here...etc" He has demonstrated anger at me and my daughter yet the caregivers say he is fine after we leave. They have recommended we limit our visits until he adjusts yet I feel horrible not visiting him for days. Please help or advise me how to deal with this heartbreak.
Amazingly, dementia patients can be very selective with their conversation and demeanor, depending on who they talk to. You would think that given their compromised cognition, they wouldn't be able to ; but some can and do! I wrestle with a similar issue with every contact I have with my mother, who is also in memory care. She hates it there and demands to go back to her old house (currently on the market to help finance her upkeep) or wants to go to assisted living, which offers more freedom than Mom can manage. All the explanations in the world don't help. She tells me how miserable she is, she has no one to talk to, blah, blah, blah, but the excellent staff at memory care assure me she is always laughing and talking to the other residents (!!!) Go figure. The truth of it is, my Mom will be miserable no matter where she is. You have done the very best you can for your husband. I would suggest you stow your guilt away for good and follow the suggestion of your husband's memory care staff and refrain from visiting for awhile. It may very well help him adjust to his new situation. In my Mom's case, it didn't; but it has worked for others and may work for you. No matter what, please know that you are not alone with this heartache.
Many spouses are ridden with the type of guilt you are experiencing. A few sessions with a therapist or social worker might help you. Check to seek if there are groups in your area for spouses/families who are in the same situation. Group members can be of tremendous support to you and your daughter.
I did that with my mom. She adjusted.
There is a lot in this chapter of life that requires great strength and resolve. It becomes the new normal and is in the best interest of everyone.
+ bring some old photos from over the years...show him and ask him who this person or that one is, because "you don't remember."
+Take a magazine that centers on a hobby of his from the past: Hunting, fishing, gun collecting, whatever...Select in advance an article that you think he might be interested in...Have a some questions and comments prepared to discuss with him.
+ When he talks (or yells) about going home, do not argue...Have set routine of comments to say.
The gist of what is behind my comments is simply that the nursing staff says he is doing well. You are doing well too if you accept that nothing is going to change his behavior in your presence..Therefore, plan your visits and time them and be grateful that YOU have the capability to realize that although you can't and never will change him, you can, with difficulty, stay calm and learn to accept the way he is.
"We can act our way into right thinking before we can think our way into right acting.."
Grace + Peace,
Bob
When she was no longer safe alone, and I have a full time job outside my home, I found a wonderful full care facility where she can age in place and stay. She has a full apartment, activities, caring attentive staff, friends. . . heck I would like to live there, and I tell her that whenever she gets snotty and says "well, how would YOU like to be here?", I tell her I picked it because someday I hope to be able to afford to live there.
At any rate, I only go once a week, for about an hour, maybe two, and when the inevitable question of "when can I come home" pops up, I simply tell her that she can come home when I retire in 10 years (and it's going to be ten years every day), that she is not safe alone in my house. And then I change the subject.
The staff tells me she is doing well during the week, making friends, getting involved in some activities, even though she complains to me how "beneath her" it is to play Bingo or watch old movies. Because she doesn't want ME to know that she is actually doing well there. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being the cause of her misery. Because I know she is well cared for, better than I was doing here at my house. She has been there going on six months. Yesterday I took her to see a play and she had a wonderful time, and didn't complain much at all.
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