They are in their 80's. Dad is losing his mobility and needs assistance to walk with a walker but has got that bad should be now I. Mobilised scooter. He will not use one due to embarrassment? he still drives a car, but I feel he should not.
Mum is losing memory and has had 2 major falls with a broken hip requiring 3 operations to get it right. She also has had 2 broken arms Nd broken collar bone.
Mum is a fighter and is way more positive than Dad. She cooks all the meals. We have home care to cleN, iron clothes, etc... Whatever they need....
Any extra help eg.. Transport Dad refuses...... What do I do? He expects me to take time off work to ru. Them around to all doctor appointments? I can sometimes but cannot all the time?...
Elderly people fall down. That's what they do. Your mother should not be taking care of your father because she needs somebody to take care of her. However, your mother isn't going to kowtow to your father---they've probably been married 60+ years & your father has probably been controlling her for all of those married years & that's what she is used to. I doubt you're going to change anything.
As far as driving a car----your father absolutely, positively should NOT be driving a car if his lower extremities are too weak to support him. The strength & reflexes necessary to quickly move his foot from the gas to the brake pedal is just not there. This is a VERY difficult thing for a family member to have to tell a parent, because it is at that point that they lose their independence & have to depend on other people. However, if it means the difference between keeping him safe & other drivers on the road safe from him, you have to do it.
Have you looked into in home help for them? You can contact your local area agency on aging and ask about in home programs. There are eligibility criteria but they would be able to tell you what the criteria is. Mom could go to an adult medical day care, it's a great place and it would give everyone a break. Who is the alternate decision maker if mom and dad can't make decisions? This is important. Talk to dad's doc about his driving ability as well. He may not have the flexibility and reflex's to drive making it unsafe for him and everyone on the road. Maybe some therapy would help his legs to become stronger. It's difficult to age and have mobility issues, especially if one has always been active. Maybe your dad would speak with a trusted minister or friend about these issues if he won't speak to you. Mom needs to be safe, while she can fall anywhere, dad is unable to give her the kind of care she may really need. Maybe it's time to look at assisted living. Good luck.
Why is your mum having so many falls?
It's a different conversation but I am surprised her doctor/social services have not made any suggestions?
He is probably terrified of her goung into a care home without him.
You do need to get inside his head more.
Literally ask him what worries him.
He may then open up.
Right now he is in Father mode and you may as well be 6 years old.
Imagine your kids telling you what you should and should not do?
Men that age don't even ask their mates for advice (if they have any! My dad has deliberately list touch with his friends and is very anti social. Mum saw no-one but family in her last year at home.
Made me very sad.
What I eventually came to learn (after exhausting years trying to coax him/logic him/argue with him over things that were for his and mum's own good... was that he is the Parent in our relationship.
He is a very proud man and HATES losing his strength/health/faculties.
He loves me and is very proud of me and my brain, but no father wants to face the sadly inevitable shift in the relationship to where their kids are giving them the advice, even if it makes sense.
I eventually stopped banging my head against the wall, because he would not change and I just got stressed.
So now I just print him info off the web that supports whatever message I want to get across, and leave it on his coffee table saying 'oh, I saw that, it may be of interest to you dad', so he reads it and he then can feel in control, that it is him making a decision.
(NB: I also print stuff on music/planes/gardening that he is interested in, so I am not like tge 'lecture fairy'...
It is hard, but I would focus on relaxing and enjoying these years with your mum and dad as much as poss.
Try to figure out what really matters to him, not you, because whilst we at 40/50 think how fab it would be to have a mobility scooter, he may well be ashamed or even scared that he would not be able to manage one.
His embarrassment current outweighs his need for mobility.
Look at the situation pragmatically.
Accept he will never get a mobility scooter and move on.
(Who knows, if you stop pushing him to get one, and just leave some brochures there, he may just change his mind.
With men it HAS to be their idea.
Just the way they are.