How to deal with "no" dad?

I totally get the h*ll you've been going through for so long. I wish for you to have many years of happiness in the home you love and for the caregiving nightmare to end.

Zombie - nobody accused you of running off with your father's money. Nobody accused you of anything, in fact. Several posters, including me, suggested alternatives that might be more beneficial to your Dad and cautioned you to make sure that you use your father's money in his best interests even if his best interests don't coincide with your personal wishes. I don't believe anyone spoke to you in a rude way. It's not rudeness to disagree with your or to refuse to tell you what you clearly want to hear.

I just want to make a few things straight.

1. My brother married an evil Chinese woman so she could get a green card. She threatened to kill him and herself if he didn't. This woman verbally attacked my parents and I for the last 19 years. My parents didn't want her to leave me destitute so they made my brother's part of the will in a trust with me as trustee. This was in 2006 when both were fully competent. Mom made me POA (didn't trust dad with his bipolar). Dad made mom and I co-POA's. This was all their choice. I knew nothing about it until years later. My parents both knew I wanted to live in their house forever, and they were on board with that. They always wanted my brother to leave Satan and move back home as well.
2. My brother, while he fights and argues with me, is the only constant person in my life. With my low self esteem (which he constantly fuels), I tend to push people away.
3. I begged relatives, doctors, etc. to do something about dad in 2014 and 2015. They all would say there's nothing wrong with him. It's his choice to sit in a recliner all dad and do next to nothing and say next to nothing. He'd always say fine when they asked how he was. They'd ask if he had any problems, and he'd always say no. Meanwhile, since he never used soap or shampoo any more or changed his clothes, he looked like a bum. This drove me crazy! He refuses to do any self care for himself when I ask. "It don't need it," he'd say back when he still would even speak to me.
4. I only began using copies of dad's health POA this year, to transfer records (which I never got to see) to the dementia clinic. Dad could have signed them but I was trying to spare him the bother. Bad me.
5. One time, repeat that one time, have a provided a copy of financial POA to someone and that was last month when I gave a copy to the company that has aides coming to clean him. Please don't tell me that I'm not allowed to do that!
6. I have NEVER once moved any money out of my father's IRA's. He did that. That's what my question was. Should I feel okay doing that. I got some kind responses but then was attacked that I was stealing dad's money to make some fancy bathroom (I asked for the least fancy they had), make that DAD's bathroom.
7. I pay dad's bills (NOT my own) from a joint account. He added me to that account. I told him just to let me be able to sign but he INSISTED it be joint. That was his choice.
8. I live in the richest county in the richest state in the richest country in the world. Except for CA and NY city, it's probably the most expensive costs for everything. Day care is hundreds of dollars per day. Dad would refuse day care. All he does is sleep; where would he sleep? He will NOT participate in social activities. Not only was old dad asocial but now his brain is toast. What don't you understand? He is NOT functional!
9. I am not going to use AgingCare.com anymore. While I appreciate most posters and I LIKE having constructive criticism, accusing me of things such as running off with my father's money (after I told you I'm never leaving home, and I haven't even spent any money on renovations yet) is just rude. So, goodbye forever.

My parents set up their wills and POA's in 2006. He was fully competent. He removed my late mother and added me as joint to his checking in 2014. That was 100% his idea. I've been told that legally, the money in his checking is as much his as mine but I only use it to pay for the things that he has always paid for. He swipes his own credit card at the grocery store as he has done all my life. He has always paid the electricity and phone bills. I pay his bills (addressed to him) using his money. If I'm paying from the joint account with my name on it, I don't see how that is illegal. He signed for and approved all removals from his IRA's up until now (minimum yearly withdrawals that I had to instigate because they are required). He then signed the checks and deposited them to the joint account. He suffered without care because HE refused help, and the only person he was seeing was his psych nurse and SHE refused to talk to me for years. I tried and tried. I begged people including my brother to please help. I asked my brother over and over, please trim his nails or take him to the doctor or take him for a hair cut, and my brother wouldn't help. I finally got him the help he needed. If I truly was so horrible, I could have done nothing. Now, I'm going to fight to get him hospice because I think he needs more care. As for the bathroom, I've decided to do nothing. He will continue to shower in a room full of mold with damage because he'll probably live another decade or two. My only hope is that if there's not enough money left for me to live here that I die before then.

Zombie, here is my two cents based on being a probate legal secretary for 10 years doing both decedent estates and conservatorships. If you have medical and POA, this only means that you can make medical decisions for him or upon his death. The POA requires you to use his money for his care of him and his estate only. You need to account for every expense you do. You said that your father understands after asking him a question 3 times. If I were u, I would sit down with the family and discuss your father's situation in an aduilt manner looking out for HIS best interest. Is it in his best interest to fix up a house that he cannot benefit from right now. The financially responsible thing to do would be to use that money for his care. I do not know where you live, but where I live there are daycares that you can send him to during the day for $60 for six hours. During this time, they shower my sister, she participates in activities or sleeeps some of the day. Her care is taken care of so when she comes home to me, I feed her, put her in jammies and she goes to bed or watches TV with us. Even though your dad is a zombie right, this does not matter to a court of law. The main thing is that your father is properly taken care of first, then if there is money left over you can use it for the home. When your father dies, if your brother wanted to sue the estate for abscounding with money and not properly taking care of your father, he could do this if he could prove that you used money for your benefit. The court does not care how much abuse you suffered as a child, all they care about is that his estate was properly taken care during his lifetime by you, the person who has agreed to be his POA. One of my concerns is you said that for three years he has suffered without care. Did you get the POA when he was not in his right mind? If so, this may be the reason your brother is having an issue. I empathize with your situation, but if I were you, I would look up conservatorship laws in your state and follow those guidelines regarding the care of your father's estate and person. This would be my suggestion so you do not get in trouble when he is no longer with you.

Yeah, a bank's not going to give me money for a mortgage. My entire net worth is about 20% of the value of the house. Now, my brother's net worth is twice that of the house. This is yet another reason why I must Kowtow to him. I may need him in the future. An unknown future sucks. I have a Masters degree in analytical chemistry and 20 years as a chemist but only make $24.04 an hour before taxes. Please tell your family members - never become a chemist!

Additionally, you have income of your own. If your dad's money is all spent on his care, resulting in him depending on Medicaid and requiring the home to be sold, you could buy it yourself.

Zombie, to answer your original questions: Since you have POA, you should be able to order IRA withdrawals to be deposited into his checking account, then write checks to contractors for the house repairs. You will have to provide the financial institutions with copies of the POA document. If If he asks, you tell your dad that the house needs fixed, and you are getting it done. No lying or criminal behavior in that. Tell your brother the same thing. If he hates you for that, it's his problem, not yours. That may sound callous; but as long as you are comfortable that you are doing the right thing, you are not responsible for anyone else's emotions about it.
As far as your desire to remain there, go for it. Just be aware of the possible pitfalls as some have mentioned, in case he ends up on Medicaid. It would be a good time to consult with an attorney who specializes in elder care issues. Generally, money spent on home repairs is not a problem for Medicaid eligibility.

About the money. Why do u have to transfer it to ur Dads account. Set up an account just get the money and pay out of that. Keep all receipts. This way u proof is in one place.

I think the estimates are a little high but that might be ur area. If I were u I would redo the bath. If the house is ever sold, an upgraded would be good. The room will need to be gutted. Paint instead of tile. Linoleum for the floor. Tub can be taken out and a nice shower surround put in. The contractor I had put in the bars but suggested using a shower chair. The chairs built in make it hard to get to ur back. To make the toilet seat higher there are risers that help. The one I had screwed, it was hinged and the toilet seat was on top. You can also take a commode and put over the toilet. They can be adjusted to higher position and u can use the arms to help u up. You use a splash guard with it instead of a bucket. If using a shower seat, hand held showers are available with longer hoses.

I think you are completely justified in spending the money necessary to make all needed repairs to the house. It's a health and safety issue. Please use a contractor you trust to make your job a priority and complete in the shortest time possible.

My goal my entire life was to be able to stay in the only home I've ever known to continue taking care of the plants and animals that, not only are my life, rely on me. My parents changed their will and made me POA to try to protect that. I had no intent to have major renovations done while dad was alive until multiple people were telling me that it's not safe for him to use a bathroom full of mold with a hole in the floor. I say I've been living with mold for 15 years, and I'm not dead yet! I got a second estimate last night, ~$26,000, and they would gut all the drywall. I cannot imagine my father having to use another bathroom for 3 weeks and the mess of gutted drywall in his bedroom. He is deteriorating quickly. I will get estimates and wait for something to happen. My father (the way he used to be) and my brother both have spent their lives spending as little money as possible. Because of that, my father has $850,000 in IRA's alone. I don't want to waste any money. Why does everything think we are so poor? I never buy clothes, makeup, jewelry, vacations, etc. for myself. I work full time and spend most of the money on necessities and my animals. I'm going to use my own money and have the pool deck replaced. It's 30 years old, spongy, rotted, hideous, dangerous, etc. And, no, dad is never going to use it! In case you think having a pool makes us rich, my dad built the pool from the kit; it's above ground. He hasn't even gone on a walk outside of the driveway on our beautiful land in the last three years. It took him 3 minutes to get out of his chair last night to go to bed, and he was shaky the whole way to bed, wobbling around. But, no, he needs no help (according to him and brother). So, I just wait for something bad to happen. In two Fridays, I take him to the PCP, and I will ask his prognosis and once again beg for hospice and/or at-home medical care. Considering he sleeps 20 hours a day, paying someone twice what I make to just watch him sleep makes no sense. I could quit my job and do that.

First, Is your Father a Veteran? If so there are programs that will help pay for modifications that may be needed to the house so he can remain there.
Some Senior Services have a day or more when volunteers come and do minor repairs for low cost or in some cases free.
It may be possible that with the repairs that are needed and if he will need more help Memory Care might be an option. This will take away the burden of Taxes, food expenses, electric, gas, homeowners insurance, and if he has a mortgage that will no longer be an issue.
Another option might be a reverse mortgage but there can be problems with that. After he passes you will have to move out of the house.
It all depends on how much you want to do now and in the future.
This is a start...his decline will become worse and he will need 24/7 care.

I have no problem with having the repairs made to keep up the value of the house for the owner, although I agree with JohnJoe that the prices quoted seem excessive. The problem I have is with making expensive repairs with the expectation that the house will never be sold because the adult child wants to own the house and live in it for the remainder of her own life. The POA is supposed to use the parent's funds for the parent's best interest , not their own. That being said, there might be better uses for that $40,000. For that matter, you could probably put a very nice mobile home on the property with a functioning bathroom and no mold. Or it could pay for a year or so of assisted living for the parent, if the home is unsafe for him. I'm troubled by the fact that the POA has such a personal interest in the decision that no course of action is acceptable to her other than fixing up the home and keeping it. Especially knowing that the brother may not be in agreement with the idea. I think he should at least be consulted, if only because he may have less personal stake in the outcome than the co-residing daughter has.

Thanks cwillie.....I read here question but did not know there was other posts with a history before this. Thanks for the update. Geez who has time though to go through past posts to see the history?

Zombie has made multiple posts on this thread, sometimes it helps to read everything and not just the original question.

"I moved to this house in 1977 at the age of 4 when my parents had it built. I want to die there. I've endured a lifetime of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from my parents just so I could stay there."

I did not see anything stating she lives in her father's home or wants to. What am I missing here that others are assuming. Maybe you are or maybe you aren't but there are two things I see you ask. Can you use money to make his home safe? and I might add...sellable. Because the way it is now...it would not be very easily sold. There is a law that mandates that a RMD (required minimum distribution) be paid from IRA yearly if one is over the age of 70.5. I assume he is? Therefore, that money must be requested from the company and go ahead and have them withhold the federal tax at whatever is his current tax rate. I think as POA (and I am my father's too) you can make decisions to make the home safe. Do the least necessary at a reasonable cost. You didn't ask us if you should move him out to another facility, but several have wisely suggested you consider doing so. Even if he says "no"...you already know he has dementia, can not take care of himself and probably isn't getting proper nutrition etc. You might just need to think about that vs. arranging all this care. He would be safer, looked after, fed, toiletted, cleaned etc.
If your brother is not a POA with you then bottom line.. he has no right in the decision on this. You are handling a boat load for your dad...I don't see where he is helping, unless you just didn't reveal that.

Hi Zombie. I'm one of those people who thinks you are doing great. I've followed several of your posts and you have made great progress in the last year. You are a very intelligent woman who knows what you want. If I remember correctly you also work full time. You don't need anyone's permission to take care of the home. It doesn't matter if your dad is going to pass next week. You have the authority and the means. Do it. If the financial institution where dad has his money won't release the funds to you, you need to see an elder attorney to see what steps are necessary. The financial institution will also tell you what they need. Even if you need to take a loan out on the property. It's your responsibility to take care of the property for your dad. Don't give your power to the wicked brother or his wife. Go to the best attorney you can find and be armed with the knowledge that you are acting within the boundaries of the law and yes, you matter too. I don't know, brother might sue you for allowing the property to go to ruin. Then he'll want you to make all the repairs when you are renting it from him after dad is gone and not split the cost with you when it's sold. You need to think of now and later. It's your responsibility and it's your life. Dad pays for the attorney. He set that up for you. Don't throw away what he did do for you because someone else doesn't like it. And yes, you do need therapy. Most of us do. It's not a luxury. In your case if you are just now getting mold out of the house because someone might complain, you need it to bolster your ability to move forward on necessary steps to fulfill the responsibility you accepted as his POA and to protect yourself and your animals and your plants. Stop the leaks. Remove the mold. Then decide on needed repairs or remodels. First things first.

Repairs to house helps keeps its value up - doing these are to help him - at $3000 per month into $16000 = 5.33 - so it is break even at 5months 10 days -

When/if house needs to be sold to help keep him in a NH then it can be advertised as newly renovated & with some handicap aids - aging baby boomers are looking for that type of housing & they have the $$$ -

You most likely would recoup all those expenses + but check with a real estate agent to see what keeps house values up [not paint etc but bare bones things]

I have no doubt You are giving Your Dad the very best Care, and You want the best for Him, but $40,000 being the cheapest quote for a bathroom upgrade is day light robbery. All Your dad needs is a wet room where He has a walk in shower, and a wall mounted seat for Your Dad to sit while He's being showered, and hand rails fitted in appropriate places. Spare Your money and forget about massive up grades, since You Dad may need every dollar as the condition worsens. l WOULD NOT ADVISE YOU TO HIDE/LIE TO YOUR DAD SO YOU CAN EXTRACT MONEY FROM THE IRA, only to be honest and truthful to Your Dad, after all when this journey is over You will have to Live with You conscience.

You sound tired and frustrated, find a support group. Check with Library, paper, or craigslist for a group of people going through this process too. You can also check with your bank for some answers, many times they have information/contacts who can provide no or low costs information that may be helpful for long term planning. Your Dad needs meds on a solid schedule for dementia, this will help him, caregivers, and you. People with dementia seem to feel scared and do not want to make any decisions, in my experience. My Mom wore glasses everyday of her life and wouldn't say yes to a pair she loved costing $200 (8 years ago) so I bought them for her...anything over $10 was too expensive to her. Try getting a Realtor to price house as is and with "their" suggested upgrades. It sounds like bathroom will be on their list. In VA if someone lives in house Dad/Mom can go into nursing home and not have to sell all property and exhaust other financial accounts, but if they live alone and go (after a time) all assets are used up before Medicaid pays. If house has to be sold and money used in future there may not be much of an estate to haggle over with family. My parents home had very basic maintenance thru the years and sold for 1/2 of the market priced home in the area, it was very sad but great for investor who upgraded bath & kitchen and sold for a little over 3 times purchase price. Finally, your Dad gave you POA because he trusted your decisions, you need to trust yourself. Gather some good information and make the best decision you can and start planning possible next step. Good luck and hugs!

It's my understanding that a full POA will not include access to IRA or banking accounts--it might vary with different states. Is it possible you can add your name to your father's IRA as well as other checking/savings accounts? You might be able to contact the institution and request a form that allows someone to be included on it. Good luck.

Oops, I meant "can't stand me."

My father is not depressed. He is apathetic, devoid of any feeling. He is typical frontotemporal dementia in his behavior. He is on psych meds for being bipolar but we've weaned him off of those. He refused to go to a doctor for 5 years. I got it done this year. I just couldn't let him be as he wanted anymore. I am not clinically depressed. I have low self esteem because my family has taught me that I am worthless. I had therapy in 2010 (after I couldn't sleep due to fear of having my wisdom teeth out), and she told me that I was already doing everything right, and that I was amazing. These days, they charge about $250 for an hour with a therapist. Per usual, her only suggestion was to put on a pound of makeup and sexy clothes and hit the bars. I don't drink. I don't want a hook up just to say I had one. If people can stand me the way I am naturally, that's their problem.

Zombie, I'm not sure why you are focusing on the one or two replies that told you not to sink money into the house, since you posted your explanation many more of us have told you it makes perfect sense and you are well within you rights, in fact are obligated to do so if you plan to care for him at home....
Your father may benefit from an anti depressant, but you say he is resistant to medical intervention. YOU have immersed yourself in a living h*ll and are clearly depressed and need some help of your own. PLEASE see a doctor, medication and therapy could help give you your life back.

I need to stop asking opinions. I thought it would be nice for my father's caretakers to have a clean and elderly equipped bathroom to use with my father. I thought it would be nice not to have mold spores being pumped all over the house as they have been. I thought it would be nice not to have a hole in the floor. I guess I was wrong. I'd rather leave it as it is than sell the house. I will still get the estimates but then just hold them, perhaps for years as my father rots away, as the water damage gets worse and worse, until such time as my father can no longer live here. Then, I can use my own more scant money to make repairs. That was my original plan until water started actively dripping to the room below. But, yeah, he doesn't need any repairs done because it's not necessary when you sleep 90% of the time. You don't know what h*ll it is to watch someone do and say nothing for three years straight, to not care about anything. He never did care about me but he always kept up the house and land. He used to be out chainsawing all day. Now, there are probably 1000 dead trees out there, each one reminding me that my father is already dead and that so am I.

So, I should give up my entire life's journey because of something that may or may not happen? I will stay here as long as I can. I would sell anything of any value, turn off the heat (not while dad's here obviously), etc. just to stay here. My father may not live but a few more months. Could he live years? I wouldn't doubt it. But, why worry about the future. I'm trying to live in just today. Today, he's ok, sleeping per usual. He does go with me to the grocery store, and he still insists on bringing in the groceries. Since he does not much else, his breathing was labored when he was bringing in the bags. I told him I would do it but he doesn't acknowledge anything I say. I don't have a farm. I know life isn't fair. I'm 44, have no friends, have never had a significant other, have never been on a real vacation, haven't had a week off work since the week my mother died (Thanksgiving 2013), have a Masters degree but make what somebody with no degree makes, take care of hundreds of plants and animals by myself, and people think I'm absolutely amazing; they just don't want to help.

Zombie, there is no doubt your father owes you. He owes you for the care you give him now, he owes you for the lack of care and abuse he heaped upon you in the past. The unfortunate thing is that life isn't always fair and we can't count on collecting what is owed to us.
I don't think there is anything wrong in fixing up your father's house with your father's money. Where I see a problem is in your assumption that it will all be yours one day. Your father, despite his illnesses, may live a long time. Skilled nursing care can easily eat up $100K a year, and when the money is gone the assets will need to be used too... so where does that leave you? We don't want to see you tied to a hateful old man for years only to have the rug pulled out from under you in the future. I think you need to talk this through with a good financial planner and an attorney that understands the intricacies of elder care and medicaid (in case it is needed some day). A little therapy for you might be good as well so that you can find a way to deal with your dysfunctional past and connect with the world outside your farm and animals. ((hugs))

So he's a terrible father and a terrible human being. You would be more than justified in moving out and ditching him. You are not entitled to use his money for things that may not benefit him.

The problem with costly renovations is that your father would have to live in the home a very long time to make them cost-effective for him. For him, not you. Those considerations need to be examined and weighed, by someone more capable of being objective than you are.

Yes, I must put my dad first so I should continue to ignore the house falling apart. He should continue to use a bathroom covered in mold with holes on the floor. He doesn't need grab bars, a useable shower, or anything of that. I always put myself last. Here are some examples of my father putting me first growing up:

1. When he was beating me a dozen times or so with his belt, and I begged him to stop, he would eventually oblige. The welts sometimes lasted a week.
2. Growing up, he kicked the dogs down a flight of stairs regularly while I listened to them yelp in pain.
3. Most of my life, he would drop something at least once a day and lovingly say something like, "God d*** f***** C**** f***** son of B****. God just KEEPS f***** me!" Mom would pray every day for him to die. Can you feel the love?
4. One time in my life, my father said he loved me. One time in his life, he kissed me. One time in his life, he hugged me. He did the same with my mother and brother at the same time. It was the first time he was insane in the ER. Wonderful times to remember!

So, that was all very lovely. I take care of my parents out of responsibility. You can see why I selfishly think I maybe deserve to live here and have enough money left to do some renovations.

By the way, nobody can make my father go in to a nursing home. He wouldn't allow it. He won't respond to me but he's able to string a few words together for strangers. He can still walk. He is only rarely incontinent. So, he doesn't qualify for any hospice care. It has been a battle just to get someone to clean him because there's nothing wrong with him.