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when she wants to argue , tell her ure not going to aruge and walk away , it always works for me . no point in standing there and aruge about nonsense .
I also refuse to argue with my mom anymore .... she can be very argumentative and this behavior comes and goes. I see it as her way of trying to "hold on" ...... when I remember that she isn't quite herself anymore then I can make a decision as to not let her negative behavior affect me ..... easier said than done, tho. She seems to want to pick an argument when I'm driving her someplace in the car --- so I start thinking of more joyful things and ignore her.
I know what you mean. Mom with dementia, is not really Mom anymore. I have been caring for her 24/7, for 2 years now. Sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. Comes with the territory! I don't know any 2 people that could stand each other 24/7 without getting testy.(sometimes a lot) When Mom gets nasty and tells me to shut up, I clam up and stop talking to her. She soon misses my big mouth, and starts acting human again, to get attention. Now that I have a CNA here almost every day, she does the same to her! It's just another aspect of care giving that we have to deal with. Good luck!
Hi Cameron~Your Mom may be verbally abusive for a variety of reasons-and perhaps not even aware of her abusiveness. If you can have a conference with the staff as well as the doctor who sees her there-perhaps they can give you some reasons as to why this is happening and what possibly can be done. When I volunteer at a nearby nursing home, I also see this going on at times with some of the patients there. Try not to take any offense of this behavior-but get to the bottom of this matter. Good Luck! Hap
I, too am beginning to see this argumentativeness as part of her illness and losing control over her life as she was very active before her stroke and Kidney transplant. So, hang in there.
Deefer12, Thanks for the "clam up" advice. I have on occasion bitten my tounge for fear of what might come out and didn't realize that it worked to diffuse the situation! I've always been of the opinion (having had cats) that sometimes negative attention is better than none at all to them! Don't take the bait! That's what they want! Problem is that's what the devil wants also. Does he take advantage of our loved ones weakened condition to poke at us? Yes! Is it hard to resist? Yes! But no weapon formed against us shall prosper! We just keep loving them, and loving them and loving them! We place all our trust in God and He makes our path straight!
I have been taking care of my 81yr. old Dad 4 2yrs. He has Dementia but is in Compleat denile !! WONT go 2 DRS. No Meds. & he is out of control . I never knew what i was getting into . I,m a "PRISONER in my SMALL RM". He is ALWAYS MEAN & MISERABLE !! I never know WHAT the day is going 2 bring when i open my door 2 walk out 2 the bathroom ! I always have my door 2 my room "Barricaded" so he can't come in. His temper is unreal & he has NO SENSE. I don't know what i'm gonna have 2 do, but my life ENDED 2 YRS. AGO. i am here 24/7 w/ NO HELP. i, not sure what 2 do. I have POA. & Guardianship. Any ideas ?
Does he have a doctor? If so, talk to him about getting some meds to calm him down. You can always slip them into his favorite food. Once you get him calmed down, you might be able to talk to him. If he does have dementia, he's probably very frightened and reacting badly because of this. Talk to anyone working with the elderly and see what kind of advice they can give you. Good luck!
If and when he gets REALLY combative next....call 911. He will be taken to the hosp. and you can have a geriatric evaluation at that time. Take part in this eval!!!! (The docs have been telling me how "charming" my mom is for some time, but not with me!!). The hosp. will know what to do & for your safety you may have to use an NH. Explore your financial alternatives (Medicare, Medicaid etc.). Protect yourself!
You probably will never change him all you can do is change how he affects you if you have told him how he hurts you when he acts that way and it did not good try to seperate yourself from him for a period of time and if he calls for you make him wait give yourself the power that he thinks he has and you should call 911 unless he can turn it on and off like my husband did they will be able to take him to the hospital and do not hurry to go there yourself let them see how he really is after a few times they will see there is a problem themselves.
What worked for me today was saying to my grouchy (previously always smiling, kind) ill mom: "My mom taught me to never say anything bad about anyone, or to anyone, or talk about negative things". I am unsure whether or not she got the connection that I was talking about how she had brought me up, but she stopped complaining, at least for a few hours. Another time, I said to her "it is unacceptable saying mean things and talking like that (saying mean things to me or about others)". That worked for the rest of the day. I simply remind her that it is bad behavior she is exhibiting and it is not going to be tolerated by me. I also remind her if someone is coming over, not to say things that would hurt someone's feelings. Problem is, she is back to square one in several hours, or the next day. It does give me some peace in between. I guess she is in pain and is only thinking of herself. She needs the reminder that what she says can affect others.
walking away, ignoring her. tell her very clear that you are not going to argue with her and let her know that you will walk away if her arguing behaviour continues. also if you have to be around her and she continue arguing, warn her that you will wear a walkman radio/stereo covering your ears because you are tired of her useless arguments and that she never stop, so if you cover your ears, you will be concentrated taking care of your business you have to do around her.
I ignore my mother who is argumentative with the family/sweet to strangers-although w/o dimentia.-she just hates life and my father for 60 yrs. I say very little to her and have as little contact as possible.. My problem is with an elderly (neighbor/friend in my building) that I spend "too much time" trying to reason with that (come to find out) has alcohol induced dimentia. He will fight about anything/anytime. I know I need to cut myself off from him almost 100% for my own sanity. I have no reason to "care" for him being as he is not family and has never offered me a dime-although he is a millionaire.
My mother has been acting and making decsions that are totally out of her character as I know her as. Making comments that or grudging about my Father..as he has been in Heaven for 4yrs now. Her discussions on one thing to an extreme forgetting she ever did that or how she became for no reason to do so..total out of character. Selfish decisions&hasty decisions scare me. I don't know what to do..I hang on with all my strength ..taught to respect my parents..but when it is total out of bounds..I have to step in..but sometimes is too late for me to do that..and afterwards she has hurt our feelings..and done things that were hasty. I worry&don't know what I can do.
If her actions have changed you might try to get her to a doc-of course you have to approch it with kid gloves -maybe say the doc needs to check her BP or some excuse it could very well be dementia-if you get her there the doc can check things out -I would call his or her office to give a heads up-do her friends notice anything different or other family members notice something different-are there safety issue such as driving and getting lost?
Francis, 195Austin is right. A change in personality and behavior is usually caused by some medical condition. Dementia comes to mind, but other conditions can have this impact, too. Best to get Mom in to see a doctor, using any strategy that works!
thank you..I have not known anyone in the family to have Dementia or perhaps in those days it was not diagnosed..as small town areas either it was just left as age issues..I don't know..as daughter I am alone..no one but me&my kids..everyone else is gone..or too far away..to help me. The one day I think she understands then 2 days later she claims she nver said it or has changed the events. It is heartbreaking. I don't know if Dementia is the proper term as I have worked with Dementia patients..she seems to know who I am..just she begrudges like she is doing this to my Father ..not actually to me..and tearing our precious bond with the memory of my dad&even with her apart with her outbursts..it's not like her..
"it's not like her" -- those are the operative words. If she'd been like this all along, nobody would be suggesting getting a medical evaluation now.
At an excellent conference on dementia this year I learned that there are close to 50 types of dementia! And even within one type, two people can have very different symptoms. So even if you have worked with some dementia patients you (and I) are probably not qualified to diagnose Mom based on your observations. In Alzheimer's it is common for patients to eventually not recognize loved ones. In Lewy Body Dementia that would be pretty unusual. Different parts of the brain are effected in different ways. That you aren't aware of others in the family having dementia means nothing. As you say, it was not diagnosed a generation ago. If it was recognized at all it was called senility. People didn't live as long as we tend to now. There was no dementia in my husband's family, but then they all died of heart attacks before they were in the typical age bracket for dementia, so who knows what they might have encountered if they'd lived longer?
Dealing with your mom who is doing things that are "not like her" is "tearing our precious bond" -- and that alone is enough reason to try to get to the bottom of this.
I am not trying to convince you that your mother has dementia. I certainly would not be qualified to say that even if I knew lots more about her. I am urging you to get a medical evaluation done. Once you know what you are dealing with it will be more managable for you, and there may be some treatments to lessen symptoms.
I will certainly agree with one of your statements: It is heartbreaking.
Someone with Dementia cannot understand what they have ..as they are not understanding to what is around them ..the arguing the blame on grievance from things ..just to stir up something or to dis-involve you in keeping the peace.. i deal with it..and n matter what i say or how i say or just start out sharing something..she twists it around to something or changes it.ijust am not prepared for all of it..as normal conversations are not chit chat..to keep myself from drowning inside with emotions..You cannot tell someone they are Ill. it is not going to register as their random actions are not normal. i hope this helps..as i am dealing with this alone..
My mother has always argued - about everything. I believe she has a personality disorder and it just gets worse with age. Rages have been common with her. My best way of dealing is just to not engage. She tries to bait me and I simply don't respond. Some people gain their strength by arguing and being negative. That's my mother. I've found walking away or simply saying, "I'm not in the middle," quickly diffuses her. She doesn't know what else to say if she doesn't lure me into an argument.
We all have our moments and I've just learned about this way of dealing with her within the past year. I still do engage sometimes because she is just so irrational sometimes. But, I do it less frequently and am less frazzled.
thank you..i wait for anyone that has help ..&i just felt alone to this..and not really wanting to believe the change.. so opposite...of what i know Mom as.. I could talk to her..now am afraid..as either i willhave to walk away or tell her something ..just like you have shared with me. I Appreciate your thoughts&answers..thank you!! She can't always blame it on Dad..he has been gone 4yrs..the sensitivity to me for his loss also is not given to me from her..and i dnt tell her things that are rude..it just scares me..Brought up to Respect&my Mom is not respecting me or my thoughts.i have to Protect my Memories and rather not have her outbursts be part of them..as I wll be alone after she is gone..
When my mother-in-law starts complaining about some family member that doesn't come by or call often enough, I acknowledge it at first and we talk it over. But when the constant talking about it and won't let it go and gets into one of her 'loops' as I call them, I go to my 'happy place' in my head. After she realizes I'm no longer talking about it, she stops. I think we all should have that 'happy place' we can retreat to in our heads. Right? :)
Probably answered a couple times within the threads. But, the anger, and arguing is part of the dementia. I fought and fought with mom because I wanted to Explain to her or to Reason with her. A person with dementia should not be reasoned with. They won't get it. I learned how to properly work with her dementia from a local support group. They taught me a simple acronym CARE. Don't Correct or Criticize - it will only anger them Don't Argue - they will only attack you more in that never ending battle to be right Don't Reason - they believe they are right, so why do it Don't Explain - they don't care what your explanation is
I keep this by my bed and my desk as a reminder. It helps a lot to get me into the "just step away from the situation" mode.
Love my mom, but she has ALWAYS been that way with me. Now at 86 she still does it. When 4 sibs say something she doesn't agree with? Not a word. But me? Oh I could say the sky is blue, and she will come up with a reason to say it's not. My BIL can't spell. He never reads and therefore, can't spell. I stated this innocently today on phone with mom. Sent BIL text, didn't hear back from him. Then I remembered him sending a text when we were in the room, and asked how to spell the most basic words like 'the' and 'that' etc. I hid my shock, and didn't judge him for it. But I pointed it out to mom, she says "lots of people ask how you spell a word." Ok... but not THE. I said You remember him asking how to spell the most basic words mom. OK, off we go... I could say the most basic thing that we BOTH know, and she has to intergect an opposition. When I can't take it anymore (like last night) I point it out to her. NO clue as to what I'm talking about. No introspection at all, no insight into her own behavior. Why me? I am the only one who calls her and doesn't just talk for 2 minutes like sibs. I am also the only one who visits regularly and helps her. Sister lives 5 mins away, she rarely sees her. But does she argue with her? No. WHYYYYYY??????
A good tool to learn to use often is the art of diversion. If your loved one is on a rant, or stuck in a loop, ask them a question about the flowers in the yard, or what they think about something that is in the news. Whatever you think will grasp their attention and draw them away from the immediate rant. We were all raised to be respectful of our parents, or others. So, it was so difficult for me to learn to just interrupt with an entirely new subject that includes a question they will be interested in. Once the mind has diverted to the new interest, they forget what they were angry about. Practice Practice Practice.
I am dealing with an 89 yr old mother who only wants to spend the day smoking cigarettes. She refuses to eat most meals won't really converse with anyone except to ask for cigarettes. She has health issues and after having her in my home for 2 yrs she is now in a nursing home because I could no longer deal with her 24/7 by myself. We attempt to bargain cigarettes for eating ut she still fights us at every turn. Any suggestions
Those are all good answers. My dad was the same way. Anger, anger and anger. I believe a lot of the anger was because, he was lonely, scared, old, hurting, because, he was a man that was use to working hard everyday of his life and now he was stuck in a house. No one came to visit him and he was having trouble breathing due to copd. He didn't understand about the copd and that scared him. He could not understand why all the friends he had never came over to see him. (many just didn't know how to deal with him the way he is now). He never saw the difference in himself like his friends did. Now with all that going on in his mind plus, the fact that he knew he was getting worse each day but, didn't understand why or how or what he could do to fix it. That explains his anger. It is not anger towards you but, anger at the situation he is not living in. When they get this disease as it progresses. They fight to try to be who they were but, they can't be that person because, they now don't know who that person was. Nor do you know who you are most of the time. You are just there and available for them to take their anger out on. Like it was said above. Separate yourself from him as much as possible. Even if you have to lock your door (not his) turn up the tv or radio so, you can't hear him till he gets the message that you are not going to argue with him. After a while he will go back to his room and settle down. Then you can come out and either speak to him in a low voice perhaps ask if he is hungry and once he is settled go about your daily tasks around the house. If he starts back up again. Just lock yourself in your room till he settles down again and start it all over again. He will soon get the idea as a child will that anger means he cannot reach you. He cannot see you or talk to you. That is until he gets into the last stages. At that point he nothing you do will change him but, atleast you will get some time by yourself in quite release. Good luck! I feel for you. I understand what you are going through. God bless you for trying to take care of your dad.
I've been a caregiver for two years; today it got ugly. My happy go lucky guy that loves everyone (84 y/o) hated me to no end today. Tried to shove me out the door of the house - called me every dirty word I've ever heard in my life.. very sad to go through but here's what is new.. do you think there's a connection? 1. a week ago he snuck 14 cupcakes from the kitchen - I thought the neighbor kids ate them but found wrappers tucked in his easy chair 2. I caught him yesterday stealing homemade cookies after he'd already had two with his lunch - I whistled at him and tried to joke about him being a cookie thief but he yelled at me like a cornered bratty little kid - we always joke about all kinds of stuff so I was surprised. 3. Last night he came into the kitchen with an angry look and took coins out of his pocket and slammed them down on the counter and made some weird comment and stormed off 4. This morning he marched over to the table and grabbed about four dollar bills that I had taken out of my purse and said he's taking it because it's his and I should just shut up.. I hadn't said more than good morning and got him his coffee at this point -Then I asked him what was wrong and then all h*** broke loose. It's not over yet although my silence and diversions are working a little - he's still hating me with his eyes and sideways looks.. Is this another new "roller coaster"? Do you think these sneaky things related to the angry thing?
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it always works for me . no point in standing there and aruge about nonsense .
Try not to take any offense of this behavior-but get to the bottom of this matter.
Good Luck!
Hap
I've always been of the opinion (having had cats) that sometimes negative attention is better than none at all to them!
Don't take the bait! That's what they want! Problem is that's what the devil wants also. Does he take advantage of our loved ones weakened condition to poke at us? Yes! Is it hard to resist? Yes! But no weapon formed against us shall prosper!
We just keep loving them, and loving them and loving them!
We place all our trust in God and He makes our path straight!
I don't know what to do..I hang on with all my strength ..taught to respect my parents..but when it is total out of bounds..I have to step in..but sometimes is too late for me to do that..and afterwards she has hurt our feelings..and done things that were hasty. I worry&don't know what I can do.
At an excellent conference on dementia this year I learned that there are close to 50 types of dementia! And even within one type, two people can have very different symptoms. So even if you have worked with some dementia patients you (and I) are probably not qualified to diagnose Mom based on your observations. In Alzheimer's it is common for patients to eventually not recognize loved ones. In Lewy Body Dementia that would be pretty unusual. Different parts of the brain are effected in different ways. That you aren't aware of others in the family having dementia means nothing. As you say, it was not diagnosed a generation ago. If it was recognized at all it was called senility. People didn't live as long as we tend to now. There was no dementia in my husband's family, but then they all died of heart attacks before they were in the typical age bracket for dementia, so who knows what they might have encountered if they'd lived longer?
Dealing with your mom who is doing things that are "not like her" is "tearing our precious bond" -- and that alone is enough reason to try to get to the bottom of this.
I am not trying to convince you that your mother has dementia. I certainly would not be qualified to say that even if I knew lots more about her. I am urging you to get a medical evaluation done. Once you know what you are dealing with it will be more managable for you, and there may be some treatments to lessen symptoms.
I will certainly agree with one of your statements: It is heartbreaking.
i deal with it..and n matter what i say or how i say or just start out sharing something..she twists it around to something or changes it.ijust am not prepared for all of it..as normal conversations are not chit chat..to keep myself from drowning inside with emotions..You cannot tell someone they are Ill. it is not going to register as their random actions are not normal.
i hope this helps..as i am dealing with this alone..
Some people gain their strength by arguing and being negative. That's my mother. I've found walking away or simply saying, "I'm not in the middle," quickly diffuses her. She doesn't know what else to say if she doesn't lure me into an argument.
We all have our moments and I've just learned about this way of dealing with her within the past year. I still do engage sometimes because she is just so irrational sometimes. But, I do it less frequently and am less frazzled.
I could talk to her..now am afraid..as either i willhave to walk away or tell her something ..just like you have shared with me. I Appreciate your thoughts&answers..thank you!!
She can't always blame it on Dad..he has been gone 4yrs..the sensitivity to me for his loss also is not given to me from her..and i dnt tell her things that are rude..it just scares me..Brought up to Respect&my Mom is not respecting me or my thoughts.i have to Protect my Memories and rather not have her outbursts be part of them..as I wll be alone after she is gone..
Don't Argue - they will only attack you more in that never ending battle to be right
Don't Reason - they believe they are right, so why do it
Don't Explain - they don't care what your explanation is
I keep this by my bed and my desk as a reminder. It helps a lot to get me into the "just step away from the situation" mode.
if it gets out of control.walk away.
you have to.
just have to.
plain&simple.