How do you deal with the silent treatment?

I experienced this "silent" treatment behavior with my mother who has moderate to severe dementia now (in nursing home). I believe it has to do with the person feeling a certain sense of "lack of control", whether real or imagined. I understand and completely empathize with the "taking it personally" feelings. Normally, I would advise you to refuse to interact of deal with her during these periods of bad behavior. Unfortunately, this may just generate more issues. We have to remember that the person with the dementia is still "there" and that they have feelings, thoughts and desires. Please keep in mind, however, that it is like you dealing with an infant. If you have the stones, and I infer from your post that she lives with you, ask your MIL to have her meals by herself until she feels she is ready to properly interact with you and the rest of your family. You can remind her that since she doesn't wish to talk anyway, she can eat alone and it shouldn't bother her. I know how bad this can feel. Anyway, my two cents.

I would consider myself blessed, because most of my female relatives have their yap flapping 24/7 and it's like getting punched in the head repeatedly.

Mom got mad at me yesterday. I left my purse over there by accident, and as the discussion "ensued", I left. Then I couldn't find my purse. I had to go look for it. Couldn't find it, and as I was leaving she basically said "Here's your purse!" and placed it outside her front door on her sidewalk, then promptly shut the door and locked it with a very audible CLICK!!!!! I know how it feels!!! Other times she will hang up on me out of frustration and anger, and be very "Teary eyed" on the phone and miserable. Then, if I don't call her back, I'm in deeper crap. I never "not called her" back. I know if I didn't, there would be h*** to pay. She doesn't forget things (YET!)

Nikki the only way things will change is when you die or she does and you may be the first to go with all the stress. In a year's time you'll still be here moaning and complaining but it seems you're unwilling to put on some big girl panties and do whatever it takes. Tough talk, yes, and you likely won't listen, so go ahead, destroy yourself and your family. No-one can help someone who won't be helped.

ouch. F???? Is that you????

Ash, I come to vent. It's not that I don't know what has to be done. It's that I am not prepared to deal with the fallout of it, and given her state of emotional neediness, I don't even really know what the fallout will be. I just come here to 'get it out'. It helps to read that other people are going through something similar. Misery loves company, I guess. I don't want to be miserable, I would love if she would ACCEPT some new people into her life to give me respite. But she won't, and she is like dealing with a spoiled and very afraid kid. It's like someone that can't swim. If I push her into the water (like I want to) she may drown (i.e. she may really try to move away, or really hold it against me for the rest of her life)... I have no idea if she will swim. I am trying to do baby steps with her and get her out more. I am really trying to accept who she is. At 91 years old, this isn't going to be something that will last more than a few years anyhow. And p.s. my big girl panties are on already.

Put on some headphones dial up some tunes and enjoy the "silent" treatment.

Maria, not knowing your MIL, I'm guessing that she is doing this specifically BECAUSE it bothers you. She's losing control in so many areas, and pulling your chain is just giving her some reassurance that she still has some control over something. But, Alzheimer's or no, it's still mean and nasty and hurtful. So you don't have to play her game. Like some here have suggested, leave her by herself more, have her eat her meals alone, and wear headphones to let HER know that she is not getting to you, and you have other things on your mind that are keeping you happy. And by all means, don't ask her what you have done to upset her! She is enjoying making you feel bad. So stop feeling bad. I know, not easy, but if you can't stop actually feeling bad, at least stop letting HER know that you're feeling bad. She's lucky you are there doing things for her, and it's not your job to make her 'happy'. By ignoring her, you put that ball back in her court where it belongs. Oh, and as Pam said, enjoy the silence! ;-}

SO not a problem. Why would you ask her what you dud to offend her highness? Stop. She's not that rational. Pretend you don't care, and then don't care. If you stop chasing her begging for attention, she'll find you soon enough looking for yours.

I take a nice, hot bath and think, "this too shall pass." I'm just sayin'.....try it..... ;)

"Still not speaking to me? Oh, okay then" and pat her on the shoulder (if you normally do that sort of thing). Or I suppose you could pop a calendar somewhere within her line of sight and tick the days off while this goes on. Take to humming a few bars of "silence is golden." Anything to see the funny side of it..?

My mother can't keep this up for long ("Mother, dear, if there is a problem, Speak. Use Words. I am not psychic" when she gets her wet-Wednesday face on and looks wounded) but it sounds like your MIL is an expert. It's extremely childish. If I were you I think I'd feel more annoyed than hurt simply because it is so childish.

Is there anyone else you can ask to ask her why she isn't speaking to you?

We really do know how you are feeling. It makes you crazy, guilty, sad, angry, a treadmill of emotions. Take heart that you are not alone, we all go through it one way or another. I am sure you have well educated yourself to dementias, I have been focusing on the regressive, progressive amenesia aspect. In other words my mother with alzheimers has zero short-term memory but long reaching back memory. If mom was manipulative, controlling, vindictive or punishing at times or maybe a lot of times in her younger years, she remembers how to do this behavior. How would you treat your mother-in-law years ago when she did the same thing to you? I spent a lot of time confused by my mother's behavior, showtiming, smirking, etc, but I learned the hard old fashioned way through trial and error and educating myself to the disease. Take heart and vent vent vent, that is what will keep you sane and hopefully healthy.

Sounds like you got some pretty good advice there and that is to remember this too shall pass. I commend you on the fact that you care enough to take care of your mil. I am saying a prayer for you today and I want you to rest in knowing your doing all you can for her. She is blessed to have you. I the interim you can find comfort in Gods word. He will carry you

Really I like this treatment and I need to try this one soon. Thanks a lot for this.

Maria, many good suggestions here. You must remember "do not take it personally". She is unable to reason anything out, nor act appropriately. DO NOT ask her what you have done to upset her, she doesnt know and is enjoying the extra attention you are giving her. Instead like others have said enjoy some music, take a warm steamy bath, go for a walk, I would enjoy every moment of the golden silence, it will pass soon enough.

Just sit back and enjoy....seriously!

Hi Marialake - I sympathise with you, and hope that my experience might help. My mum has dementia and lives with me but has her own lounge - a throw back to the time when she did not have dementia and wanted her own privacy. She has always been a kind, gentle person.

However, once she began to suffer with dementia, her personality changed, and I frequently received the silent treatment which I know is a manifestation of her disapproval of my behaviour. This was obvious in three ways. 1) my mum would totally blank me when I walked into her lounge and refuse to interact with me in any way (if I was giving her a drink she would look right through me), 2) if I was followed in by a visitor she would switch from this behaviour into a very animated style where she would smile at the newcomer, and wave her arms around in a welcoming fashion, and 3) if I left her with a career and said I was going to the bank or the shop, she would say 'you went there yesterday' in a disapproving fashion, implying that I should not be going again.

I found all this very difficult to cope with but I had/have a dementia/reminiscence worker who supports me two afternoons each week for two hours and she observed my mum being awkward with me but engaging perfectly well with her. She said that this was common behaviour, especially with mothers and daughters where the daughter had become the carer, and that this silent treatment was borne out of frustration in the realisation that the mother had come to rely on the daughter whereas the daughter enjoyed the freedom not to have to rely on the mother. Essentially, this represented a loss of control on the part of the mother whose natural reaction was to try to get that back by emotional blackmail. My dementia worker dealt with this by telling my mum each and every time she made derogatory comments or negative gestures to me behind my back that this was not acceptable behaviour from her and that she was very lucky to have me as a daughter. And she also told me to tackle it in the same way because she said that in that stage of dementia, my mum was perfectly aware of what she was doing when she was giving me the silent treatment.

Now I look back and it fits completely. Before she had the dementia she would never have behaved like that towards me, and now that her dementia has advanced and she is much less in touch with reality, she doesn't do it anything like as much. It's at that stage where there's enough understanding of what's going on around a person that they use all their resources to try to get you to toe the line, and that line is simply to be at their beck and call so they don't feel incapable. It's all about fear. Just as a final point, I eventually came to handle my mother in two different ways depending upon my own levels of resilience at any particular time - I either said quite clearly 'look at me and concentrate on what I'm saying - it's not fair that you talk to me like that' and I would stand right in front of her, or I just took food and drink into her and smiled and left it. I think as your MIL progresses with her condition she won't have her ulterior motives of trying to control you and things may ease up! I feel for you.

Watch Teepa Snow on u-tube. She will give you great tips on how to ignore bad treatment and regain your good spirit.
Actually I would try to have "fun". I would make a plate with fresh fruits, put it on the table between two of us and start eating it while watching TV or reading newspaper. Or, you make two cups of tea -- put one on front of her and proceed to enjoy yours... Make an inviting gesture to join you but do not insist if she ignores you. Redirect her!
You know you did nothing wrong. Though that's your MIL's way to convey the message that she is not happy (with whatever!). Yes, some people are not happy does not matter what! At the end of the day you do not have to please her. Just please yourself by knowing you do good job caring for her.

I like the combination of Tessaro's comment - she is doing it BECAUSE she knows it upsets you - and also Country Mouse's way of acknowleging it, and also saying, "Mother, is something wrong? Use words, dear. I'm not psychic." When my beloved old lady, 106, would do that to me at times - she would insult me royally, different from silence, but it was just a stream of my wrongs, she would never get off that topic, and sometimes she would say, I do it BECAUSE it upsets you so much, and she would put on a mean sneer. But understanding that real communication is healthy, I had a plan to handle it, so it actually did not upset me that much, because I had a calm way to handle it that I could feel right about: I would show up, as it was my job to get her to bed, and I also believed that she would heal with rest, not without - (other times I'd sit and chat with her, over tea) but at bedtime, I'd start reminding her of getting up routines, she'd insult me. I'd listen show that I care not to upset her but she'd go on. But I'd tell her, it's time to start getting ready for bed. Can I help? I'm sorry if I spoke too quickly (or whatever the insult), I care about you. But it's not my job to listen to repeated insults, so I will be in the other room. I'll come back in 10 minutes." If she was still talking (insulting), I'd still leave, and I'd return in 10. The combination is to let her know you care, you will show up ("anything I can do for you? I've put your dinner on a tray. Everything OK? oh, still not talking? OK, I'm going downstairs. I'll see you in an hour, I'll check on you when I come down again.") That way you have done what you feel is your duty - to keep aware of her. You don't worry about her panic, for you've let her know that you care and want to help. And you've said you have other things to do, that being insulted is not part of your wish to help her, and you'll be back to check on her again. In all cases, wait a minute, since it can take an old person time to think - but if she does the "push/pull" thing, signalling she wants help, then pulling back from communicating when you ask for clarity, just say again, I'm trying to understand you, but I don't yet. I'll see you in ..... minutes. And leave. I often brought a good book I enjoyed, and sat and read for 10 min. Or go tidy, whatever. I didn't feel guilty, for I did my best to show care, not disappear, and show I'd return. My job was done, and if she didn't respond on 3 of my returns, I'd stay away longer, even sleep in the next room. Just let her know I care if she talks, but if not, I'll be doing what else I need to do, and I always said I'm glad to work with you, for other times you've done so much, so I'm always glad I'm here. But I'll be in the other room.

I know, it hurts, because it hurt me a lot when my mother did that to me.

I completely agree with DaughterOnDuty and wish I had that information when my mom was alive.

The summer before she died, my brother visited her briefly and told her that she was "killing" me. She backed off of her nastiness for a while. I kept telling myself and her that she was just afraid, but none the less her behavior hurt me. That didn't help as much as my brother's comment.

This is just a note to say I've felt the hurt. I thought I tried everything to stop feeling the hurt, but it never stopped... until a few days before she died. Mom was Ok with me then. We had some precious memories and I'm glad of that.

Also, as I've said many times here, the best advice I ever got was from someone who told me to tell my mom that I love her every day and hug her if I can, because one day she will be gone and I will never be able to do that again.

My heart goes out to you. You are doing good and noble work and I hope you can take good care of yourself and try not to feel the hurt, even though I know from experience that's hard to do.

Re-read DaughteronDuty... it's the best expert advice I've seen from her dementia caregiver.

Your mother-in-law is doing this because it gets a rise out of you. She sounds like a passive aggressive rhymes-with-witch.

The best approach is to just be yourself, going about your business cheerfully, ignoring her attempts to suck you into getting upset. She's playing a game which has only one rule: You lose.

Do you have a mantra? A favorite hymn or uplifting song? Repeat that, out loud if you want, gently calming yourself. Tap the strength inside you; it's there if you just look.

Good luck and God bless.

Call in her presence and speak to someone she also knows and have many lively conversations and laugh a lot. Often, this will make them curious enough to bring them out. Don't give into their silence and continue to talk to them even if they do not respond. Tell them that you love them even if they are treating you badly.

Sometimes I wish I had that problem....My mom never quits talking, if she is not asleep, she is talking. I know how that sounds, and I know she can't help it, but sometimes I just wish I could have some peace and quirt! This has been going on now for well over a year and sometimes I feel that I am going to loose my mind! To answer your question, just let it ride if you can, be kind and hopefully your mom will get past this stage.

Ashlynn, put your big girl panties on? Really? Wow...I think you are on the wrong forum. I think she has had enough abuse, so she probably doesn't need any more from you.

I would love it if my mother would give me the silent treatment especially from about 8pm to midnight and 5am til 9 or even 10am! My mother will not leave me alone, it is never that she is concerned about ME it is always focused on the DOG...has it been fed, does it need to go to the bathroom, or complaining that my bedroom is too hot for the dog or too cold. She drives me absolutely crazy, crazy, crazy! If it isn't that then she is complaining that something is sitting in the living room and when is "this mess going to be cleaned up?" You clean it up and she moves on to the next complaint.....

I know you are in pain, you are hurting, you are trying to be the best caregiver for her that you can be and you feel that you are being treated unfairly and you don't even know why. Sometimes it makes me wonder IF THEY EVEN KNOW WHY! Everyone here has given some wonderful words of wisdom and I hope that some of it will resonate with you and make you feel better and know that many people are enduring what you are going through....and it's okay for her not to talk to you....serve her a drink, medicine or food and if she refuses to talk, just walk away or say to her "gee Mom I am sorry that you don't feel like talking now, but I will leave you with your thoughts and be back later to check on you." You could end that sentence with....Love You! as you walk out of the room. You are not being hateful or spiteful you are allowing her the space to be the way she wants to be.

I began turning on Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Big Band Era CD's for Mom and she wants to sit on the patio in the sun and watch the birds and enjoys the music greatly. I have found that I enjoy it as well, I admit I have heard them so many times I can hear them in my head before I turn them on, but music does help bring people out of moods. I turned on my own era music in my room the other day and was dancing around to it and it made me feel wonderful again!

In the last year of my father's life he chose to sit in silence a lot. He had emphysema not dementia, but there was something about him just wanting to be quiet, no TV, no radio and no loud talking. I think he was preparing himself for death and I have no idea what he was thinking about but I assume it was his life.

I also know what you mean about the dog. My sister would like to get rid of ours since she is the source of many arguments in the house, but she is MY only salvation at times and I love her. The dog has done nothing wrong, it is my mothers OCD where the dog is concerned that is the problem.

Take care and know that YES it does hurt and we all take it personally at some point in our caregiving. You have done nothing wrong, this is her choice so let her have it, turn on music and entertain yourself while she is in her own world.

God Bless You and take care of you!!!

Oh yeah. The silent treatment. Before I tell you my story of that very same experience that I had with my 93-year old father just yesterday, let me preface it by saying this: The more we attach significance to the actions of others, the more miserable we will be. I preach to this to myself every day. I have not arrived on walking this out but I do know it to be true.

Now to my experience with the silent treatment....

My 93-year old father has mild-to-moderate dementia. My sister is getting married in three weeks and my father needed a really nice suit to wear to the wedding. Since everything he had in his wardrobe is from the 80's (or earlier) and/or doesn't fit him properly, and/or is butt ugly, my other sister and decided to rent a suit for him to wear.

For some unknown reason, he was dead against it. He kept insisting he could wear his tacky '80s blazer with the sleeves coming down to the middle of his hand and the hem falling practically down to his knees. And no matching pants.

I tried all the tactics to get him to acquiesce...including the one you think would have worked: "Do it for your daughter. It's her wedding and she wants you to be dressed in the appropriate attire. It's important to HER. "

Even that didn't work. He didn't care about her...only himself. "It's not about you" I kept telling him all the way to the formal wear rental place when he kept arguing with me. Soon after, he stopped talking to me. And kept on with the silent treatment in the rental place, refusing to give his opinion on the suit I was considering. So I stopped caring and rented the suit anyway. Basically I stayed cheerful, and kept ignoring him—finally taking my own advice to people to stop attaching significance to other people's behavior.

Eventually he snapped out of it. Look, I get it. He fears lack of control, he hates all these women (sisters) telling him what to do all the time. (I am going to post more about that later). But hey, it is what it is. It sucks, but he just has to accept it since the alternative for him would not be pleasant (a nursing home). It's certainly no picnic for us but of course he doesn't think or care much about that.

I do my best to pick my battles ...even letting him do crazy nonsensical things like cutting up a pair of shorts because he likes the way it feels at night; however, when it comes to how his actions are going to affect other people's feelings (like my sister's wedding) or cause harm to himself, I put my foot down. Do I like acting bossy? Absolutely not. Frankly, I'm longing for the day when I am freed from this responsibility so I can get back to my own life and not feel like a control freak 24/7.

Thankfully, in my case, this will be happening soon as one of my sister's is going to have him live with her.

I hate this disease. No surprise there...we all do.

I get the same treatment from my MIL a lot of the times. Whenever I tell her to change her pull-up or tell her anything, she looks at me with such hate. At first I thought maybe it was my imagination but people have also noticed it. Whenever anyone comes over to bathe her, her nurse or Social Worker (Amber Care), she goes into gossip mode and tell everyone how she hates me and feels like slapping me. This people already know that she is well taken care of but always needs something to complain about. We told her if she's not comfortable here we would put her in a home. It takes lots and lots of patience, she has moderate dementia. Good luck with your MIL, and what works for me when mine acts like that, I just ignore her as well, eventually she comes around.

Haven't you heard the expression, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it!"? This was popular with the 80s generation and in some respects it is a good thing. Silence is the sincerest form of insult too, however, with dementia she will not live forever and she will be silent forever. Food for thought...

When we were growing up my Mother would always give us the "silent treatment" when she disapproved of our behavior. It could last for up to 2 weeks - not normal behavior when raising children - but I digress. Now that she is 91 and I am her caregiver she still tries that control behavior with me. It did work for about a year. I would fall all over myself trying to figure out what I did wrong or how to make her happy. Well that was exhausting and got me very depressed. Went to therapy and found better ways to deal with her old manipulative ways. Silent treatment - dont' care - so there! I don't even notice it anymore.

It may be part of her condition. I would speak to her when you need to but not look for conversations. If she is playing a game, don't feed into it, better for her to think it matters not to you. If she can speak, she will eventually if this tactic doesn't get a rise out of you.

Hang in there and read.