How do you deal with the silent treatment?

I know, it hurts, because it hurt me a lot when my mother did that to me.

I completely agree with DaughterOnDuty and wish I had that information when my mom was alive.

The summer before she died, my brother visited her briefly and told her that she was "killing" me. She backed off of her nastiness for a while. I kept telling myself and her that she was just afraid, but none the less her behavior hurt me. That didn't help as much as my brother's comment.

This is just a note to say I've felt the hurt. I thought I tried everything to stop feeling the hurt, but it never stopped... until a few days before she died. Mom was Ok with me then. We had some precious memories and I'm glad of that.

Also, as I've said many times here, the best advice I ever got was from someone who told me to tell my mom that I love her every day and hug her if I can, because one day she will be gone and I will never be able to do that again.

My heart goes out to you. You are doing good and noble work and I hope you can take good care of yourself and try not to feel the hurt, even though I know from experience that's hard to do.

Re-read DaughteronDuty... it's the best expert advice I've seen from her dementia caregiver.

I like the combination of Tessaro's comment - she is doing it BECAUSE she knows it upsets you - and also Country Mouse's way of acknowleging it, and also saying, "Mother, is something wrong? Use words, dear. I'm not psychic." When my beloved old lady, 106, would do that to me at times - she would insult me royally, different from silence, but it was just a stream of my wrongs, she would never get off that topic, and sometimes she would say, I do it BECAUSE it upsets you so much, and she would put on a mean sneer. But understanding that real communication is healthy, I had a plan to handle it, so it actually did not upset me that much, because I had a calm way to handle it that I could feel right about: I would show up, as it was my job to get her to bed, and I also believed that she would heal with rest, not without - (other times I'd sit and chat with her, over tea) but at bedtime, I'd start reminding her of getting up routines, she'd insult me. I'd listen show that I care not to upset her but she'd go on. But I'd tell her, it's time to start getting ready for bed. Can I help? I'm sorry if I spoke too quickly (or whatever the insult), I care about you. But it's not my job to listen to repeated insults, so I will be in the other room. I'll come back in 10 minutes." If she was still talking (insulting), I'd still leave, and I'd return in 10. The combination is to let her know you care, you will show up ("anything I can do for you? I've put your dinner on a tray. Everything OK? oh, still not talking? OK, I'm going downstairs. I'll see you in an hour, I'll check on you when I come down again.") That way you have done what you feel is your duty - to keep aware of her. You don't worry about her panic, for you've let her know that you care and want to help. And you've said you have other things to do, that being insulted is not part of your wish to help her, and you'll be back to check on her again. In all cases, wait a minute, since it can take an old person time to think - but if she does the "push/pull" thing, signalling she wants help, then pulling back from communicating when you ask for clarity, just say again, I'm trying to understand you, but I don't yet. I'll see you in ..... minutes. And leave. I often brought a good book I enjoyed, and sat and read for 10 min. Or go tidy, whatever. I didn't feel guilty, for I did my best to show care, not disappear, and show I'd return. My job was done, and if she didn't respond on 3 of my returns, I'd stay away longer, even sleep in the next room. Just let her know I care if she talks, but if not, I'll be doing what else I need to do, and I always said I'm glad to work with you, for other times you've done so much, so I'm always glad I'm here. But I'll be in the other room.

Watch Teepa Snow on u-tube. She will give you great tips on how to ignore bad treatment and regain your good spirit.
Actually I would try to have "fun". I would make a plate with fresh fruits, put it on the table between two of us and start eating it while watching TV or reading newspaper. Or, you make two cups of tea -- put one on front of her and proceed to enjoy yours... Make an inviting gesture to join you but do not insist if she ignores you. Redirect her!
You know you did nothing wrong. Though that's your MIL's way to convey the message that she is not happy (with whatever!). Yes, some people are not happy does not matter what! At the end of the day you do not have to please her. Just please yourself by knowing you do good job caring for her.

Hi Marialake - I sympathise with you, and hope that my experience might help. My mum has dementia and lives with me but has her own lounge - a throw back to the time when she did not have dementia and wanted her own privacy. She has always been a kind, gentle person.

However, once she began to suffer with dementia, her personality changed, and I frequently received the silent treatment which I know is a manifestation of her disapproval of my behaviour. This was obvious in three ways. 1) my mum would totally blank me when I walked into her lounge and refuse to interact with me in any way (if I was giving her a drink she would look right through me), 2) if I was followed in by a visitor she would switch from this behaviour into a very animated style where she would smile at the newcomer, and wave her arms around in a welcoming fashion, and 3) if I left her with a career and said I was going to the bank or the shop, she would say 'you went there yesterday' in a disapproving fashion, implying that I should not be going again.

I found all this very difficult to cope with but I had/have a dementia/reminiscence worker who supports me two afternoons each week for two hours and she observed my mum being awkward with me but engaging perfectly well with her. She said that this was common behaviour, especially with mothers and daughters where the daughter had become the carer, and that this silent treatment was borne out of frustration in the realisation that the mother had come to rely on the daughter whereas the daughter enjoyed the freedom not to have to rely on the mother. Essentially, this represented a loss of control on the part of the mother whose natural reaction was to try to get that back by emotional blackmail. My dementia worker dealt with this by telling my mum each and every time she made derogatory comments or negative gestures to me behind my back that this was not acceptable behaviour from her and that she was very lucky to have me as a daughter. And she also told me to tackle it in the same way because she said that in that stage of dementia, my mum was perfectly aware of what she was doing when she was giving me the silent treatment.

Now I look back and it fits completely. Before she had the dementia she would never have behaved like that towards me, and now that her dementia has advanced and she is much less in touch with reality, she doesn't do it anything like as much. It's at that stage where there's enough understanding of what's going on around a person that they use all their resources to try to get you to toe the line, and that line is simply to be at their beck and call so they don't feel incapable. It's all about fear. Just as a final point, I eventually came to handle my mother in two different ways depending upon my own levels of resilience at any particular time - I either said quite clearly 'look at me and concentrate on what I'm saying - it's not fair that you talk to me like that' and I would stand right in front of her, or I just took food and drink into her and smiled and left it. I think as your MIL progresses with her condition she won't have her ulterior motives of trying to control you and things may ease up! I feel for you.

Just sit back and enjoy....seriously!

Maria, many good suggestions here. You must remember "do not take it personally". She is unable to reason anything out, nor act appropriately. DO NOT ask her what you have done to upset her, she doesnt know and is enjoying the extra attention you are giving her. Instead like others have said enjoy some music, take a warm steamy bath, go for a walk, I would enjoy every moment of the golden silence, it will pass soon enough.

Really I like this treatment and I need to try this one soon. Thanks a lot for this.

Sounds like you got some pretty good advice there and that is to remember this too shall pass. I commend you on the fact that you care enough to take care of your mil. I am saying a prayer for you today and I want you to rest in knowing your doing all you can for her. She is blessed to have you. I the interim you can find comfort in Gods word. He will carry you

We really do know how you are feeling. It makes you crazy, guilty, sad, angry, a treadmill of emotions. Take heart that you are not alone, we all go through it one way or another. I am sure you have well educated yourself to dementias, I have been focusing on the regressive, progressive amenesia aspect. In other words my mother with alzheimers has zero short-term memory but long reaching back memory. If mom was manipulative, controlling, vindictive or punishing at times or maybe a lot of times in her younger years, she remembers how to do this behavior. How would you treat your mother-in-law years ago when she did the same thing to you? I spent a lot of time confused by my mother's behavior, showtiming, smirking, etc, but I learned the hard old fashioned way through trial and error and educating myself to the disease. Take heart and vent vent vent, that is what will keep you sane and hopefully healthy.

"Still not speaking to me? Oh, okay then" and pat her on the shoulder (if you normally do that sort of thing). Or I suppose you could pop a calendar somewhere within her line of sight and tick the days off while this goes on. Take to humming a few bars of "silence is golden." Anything to see the funny side of it..?

My mother can't keep this up for long ("Mother, dear, if there is a problem, Speak. Use Words. I am not psychic" when she gets her wet-Wednesday face on and looks wounded) but it sounds like your MIL is an expert. It's extremely childish. If I were you I think I'd feel more annoyed than hurt simply because it is so childish.

Is there anyone else you can ask to ask her why she isn't speaking to you?

I take a nice, hot bath and think, "this too shall pass." I'm just sayin'.....try it..... ;)

SO not a problem. Why would you ask her what you dud to offend her highness? Stop. She's not that rational. Pretend you don't care, and then don't care. If you stop chasing her begging for attention, she'll find you soon enough looking for yours.

Maria, not knowing your MIL, I'm guessing that she is doing this specifically BECAUSE it bothers you. She's losing control in so many areas, and pulling your chain is just giving her some reassurance that she still has some control over something. But, Alzheimer's or no, it's still mean and nasty and hurtful. So you don't have to play her game. Like some here have suggested, leave her by herself more, have her eat her meals alone, and wear headphones to let HER know that she is not getting to you, and you have other things on your mind that are keeping you happy. And by all means, don't ask her what you have done to upset her! She is enjoying making you feel bad. So stop feeling bad. I know, not easy, but if you can't stop actually feeling bad, at least stop letting HER know that you're feeling bad. She's lucky you are there doing things for her, and it's not your job to make her 'happy'. By ignoring her, you put that ball back in her court where it belongs. Oh, and as Pam said, enjoy the silence! ;-}

Put on some headphones dial up some tunes and enjoy the "silent" treatment.

Ash, I come to vent. It's not that I don't know what has to be done. It's that I am not prepared to deal with the fallout of it, and given her state of emotional neediness, I don't even really know what the fallout will be. I just come here to 'get it out'. It helps to read that other people are going through something similar. Misery loves company, I guess. I don't want to be miserable, I would love if she would ACCEPT some new people into her life to give me respite. But she won't, and she is like dealing with a spoiled and very afraid kid. It's like someone that can't swim. If I push her into the water (like I want to) she may drown (i.e. she may really try to move away, or really hold it against me for the rest of her life)... I have no idea if she will swim. I am trying to do baby steps with her and get her out more. I am really trying to accept who she is. At 91 years old, this isn't going to be something that will last more than a few years anyhow. And p.s. my big girl panties are on already.

ouch. F???? Is that you????

Nikki the only way things will change is when you die or she does and you may be the first to go with all the stress. In a year's time you'll still be here moaning and complaining but it seems you're unwilling to put on some big girl panties and do whatever it takes. Tough talk, yes, and you likely won't listen, so go ahead, destroy yourself and your family. No-one can help someone who won't be helped.

Mom got mad at me yesterday. I left my purse over there by accident, and as the discussion "ensued", I left. Then I couldn't find my purse. I had to go look for it. Couldn't find it, and as I was leaving she basically said "Here's your purse!" and placed it outside her front door on her sidewalk, then promptly shut the door and locked it with a very audible CLICK!!!!! I know how it feels!!! Other times she will hang up on me out of frustration and anger, and be very "Teary eyed" on the phone and miserable. Then, if I don't call her back, I'm in deeper crap. I never "not called her" back. I know if I didn't, there would be h*** to pay. She doesn't forget things (YET!)

I would consider myself blessed, because most of my female relatives have their yap flapping 24/7 and it's like getting punched in the head repeatedly.

I experienced this "silent" treatment behavior with my mother who has moderate to severe dementia now (in nursing home). I believe it has to do with the person feeling a certain sense of "lack of control", whether real or imagined. I understand and completely empathize with the "taking it personally" feelings. Normally, I would advise you to refuse to interact of deal with her during these periods of bad behavior. Unfortunately, this may just generate more issues. We have to remember that the person with the dementia is still "there" and that they have feelings, thoughts and desires. Please keep in mind, however, that it is like you dealing with an infant. If you have the stones, and I infer from your post that she lives with you, ask your MIL to have her meals by herself until she feels she is ready to properly interact with you and the rest of your family. You can remind her that since she doesn't wish to talk anyway, she can eat alone and it shouldn't bother her. I know how bad this can feel. Anyway, my two cents.