My father is verbally abusive and I cannot take it anymore. How can I deal with this?

Susan, I go through this all the time with my father. He puts on one "persona" as you call it, when out in public, or with other family members, and then when he is alone with me , he "lets it all hang out" and abuse can be expected to happen. ( Hence, I limit time I spend alone with my father--sad but true). I don't know if your father has dementia affecting his personality, but if his behavior with this screen door, for example, is not how he would have behaved say twenty-five years ago, then it probably is dementia going on. I know how frustrating it is, Susan, to have to bear such abuse when nobody else ever sees it going on. You almost have to set up a hidden camera and/or tape recorder to convince people (including a doctor) that this is really going on. I sympathize with you!! Just know that, Susan, I get it, and I"m so sorry you have to go through this. You said: "I would do anything for my parents". That tells me that you love your parents very much, as do I and most of the caregivers on here. I believe you will get your reward in Heaven some day, and it will be a big one. You are being faithful to your Dad, and I believe that is essentially what is expected of us, and then beyond that we need to set limits to take good care of ourselves. Once I start falling apart, I am no good to my father any more.

It sounds like your father is "letting it all hang out" with you, and not your siblings, because you are the handiest one to unload on. It sounds like you have taken primary responsibility to look after your father. I don't know if he lives outside of your home, but it sounds like he does. It might help to talk candidly to your mother about your experiences with your father. Does he verbally abuse you in front of your mother? If you feel safer when your mother is around, then I would limit the time I spend with him to when your Mom is around too. If he gets much worse when you are alone with him, then definitely put limits on that kind of time you will spend with him. I have noticed that my father, even with his dementia, is not totally clueless as to what will happen when he starts verbally abusing me.....I will leave because I have "things to do." My curtailing my visits with Dad has definitely influenced him to cut down on the raging around me. In the case of my father, his personality has undergone a massive change from how he used to be. I went through a deep grieving process to handle seeing the deterioration of his once-beautiful, affable personality right before my eyes. So very sad. My mother, now deceased, also was terribly pained to see this happening to her husband. I am actually thankful she is now in heaven and doesn't have to see how much more Dad's personality has changed since she died. He is like a different person. I don't know if this is the case with your father.

Hang in there, Susan! I am pulling for you.

susan63, I feel your frustration. Nothing like bending over backwards to make the parents life as good as possible and then get slammed with verbal abuse. As a verbal abuse recipient my whole life, I know how much it hurts, how belitting it is.Don't hold out much hope for your dad to change, he's been at it too long. Doesn't mean you have to "take it" though. I waited too many years to confront mom. I finally did and it felt sooooo good to stand up to her. Told her I wasn't going to take it anymore, so back off. I don't know why I was surprised when she looked me in the eye and told me it was all in my imagination, I was crazy and I was a liar. But you know what, I felt so liberated I didn't care. She's mean, hateful, she'll never be or talk nice to me. My liberation reinforced that I was not the one at fault, it's mom with the problem. I couldn't stop her from spewing her insults but I could stop listening. I finally realized what it meant to say "sticks and stones, etc." I was in control of my own feelings. Finally!
You're among a large number of people on this site with "useless" siblings. It's usually one kid who gets the dirty work. You're very fortunate that you get some help. Even though it'd be great to get everyone involved, that only happens in fantasyland. You can rant and rave, beg and cry but some sibs just aren't going to step up. It doesn't matter to them that they come off as uncaring and selfish.
I hope you can get dad to be nicer, it's worth confronting him. Be thankful for the siblings who help even a little and pity the one who won't get involved, she may one day find out what goes around, comes around.

Hey, you have a lot of sibling support, compared to most of us here. I have three deadbeat sisters, but one at least is supportive with occasional emails.

Anyway, not about me, but getting you some support. Does your cell phone have video function? Just carry the phone casually and catch some of this BS on video. Don't point it at him, but in general direction. Place it on counter or kitchen table. If he's physically abusive, call the cops and press charges.

Family is supposed to look out for one another, but how often it's the opposite. We feel entitled to beat up on those close to us, and punishment for abuse is not always called for.

A parenting education group called Love and Logic has a newsletter, which I got to see if there were any tips for caregiving Mom. One struck home. The writer said that teenagers were often a handful because of "dependency resentment." They desire to be out on their own, but parents still control their lives. That lasts a couple of years, and makes sense even to the teen. However "dependency" in old age has few happy outcomes. You dad may be sensing he's losing it and is acting out who is still really the boss.

SUSAN:

Unconditional love often makes you do the silliest things. The other person can literally wipe his/her feet off on you as if you were a doormat; you claim to forgive them but never seem forget it. On other occasions you either drop your brain by the roadside at the mere sight of them, or become so fearful you literally put your spine in a drawer ... for years. And then wonder if you ever had one.

Stop being so passive-barely aggressive and stand up for yourself. If he lives with you, tell him to start making arrangements to move elsewhere and take his BS with him if he doesn't feel inclined to treat you with the respect you so well deserve. Your siblings aren't going to tolerate his antics, so he'll probably play the victim and turn them against you. So get ready for the backlash.

If all he's going to do is use you, hurt you, and then expect you to feel grateful he should have his head examined. If you decide to stay the course and keep taking this abuse, you should have yours examined as well and tighten up the screws. Good luck.

-- ED

I guess I should be more grateful for the sister that takes my Mom to the Dr. every few months. She picks her up and makes sure she gets back in the house and she is gone. The brother that put together that cabinet that has been sitting at my parent's house for 5 years and painted the spot on the ceiling. Seriously, my Dad could have paid to have it done. He refused others help over the years for these two items but all of a sudden they became a must do and now!

Please don't say I need my head examined, that's not remotely helpful to me.

The crux of the issue with my parents is really my Mom which I have not mentioned. That was what I was going to post about when I signed on today. But not feeling the need so much now. Maybe another time.

Have a nice Sunday.

I used to think that putting someone in a nursing home was morally wrong. I don't think so anymore. I'm emancipating myself from my 15-year situation with my widowed mother, who has verbally abused me my entire life. Enough already. She has dementia, is physically disabled. And is as mean as hell. Your life matters, too, you know. Claim it and free yourselves.

Susan,

I"m sorry for your current plight, but I can't help but beleive that your dad's verbal abuse over the years probably set you up from being in an abusive marriage yourself. It also sounds like he may have a personality disorder like borderline because he only acts this way with yoou and puts on such a normal face with others which shows he knows how to do normal. Your having been through an abusive marriage only makes this current situation worse. He's playing you like a piano and knows exactly where those keys for F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt are as well as how to push them. You need to have some boundaries with him for your own mental health and have some consequences for him breaking them.

susan,
I am an only child but experienced some of the same behavior from my father as you describe. I can also anticipate what you wanted to say about your mom but I will not go there. I will share something that helped me alot and may console you. 1) My father was always a control freak and since my mother was a very stubborn and assertive personality, you can guess who bore the brunt of the control. Towards the end of my father's life his need to control got worse because he knew he was becoming more dependent. Of course, he was Mr. Niceguy to all his neighbors and our relatives. So it would have been pointless to try to expose him. Even if I caught the abuse on tape or in pictures they would have taken his side over mine. He put on a very good act.
2) On our way to his funeral, which I knew would be well attended by neighbors and friends I must have shown my dread to my wife who knew my father all too well. She consoled me with just the right words Don't you wish just one person at the wake would say "your father was a real SOB but we are going to miss him anyway" Of course, no one said that but just the thought got me through it. I was also able to forgive my father for all the hurt he caused me and to realize that it would not help me even if I tried to convince the neighbors and relatives that he was not what they thought. To them, he really was a kind, generous person so they had every right and reason to see him in that light. For my part, I could accept the fact that maybe he had done the best he could with what life had given him. He had it a lot tougher than I did and I don't know if I could have done any better.

ezcare,

Congratulations for working through your anger, pain and perspective regardling your father. As the only child of an insensitive perfectionistic child whose single parent mom 'emotionally spousified me" which continued even after she married again, I've spent the last 7 years working through those issues and have come to a place of forgiveness, peace and perspective as well. A you well know, it is not easy work but unless we forgive someone who has hurt us because they never said they were wrong and asked us to forgive them, we in turn empower them to keep inflicting pain into our lives even from the grave.

My MIL sounds much like Susan's dad. No one but her daughters really know their real "mommy dearest wicked witch of the west mom."

Crowe, do you have any advice about this: What do you do if a FOG instiller/borderline person goes behind your back and starts a smear campaign against you? And you are "trapped" by family relationships with this person in your life from time to time? Any advice? Up till now, I have ignored the FOG person's antics, but as you know, smear campaigns can sometimes "work" as far as turning people against you.

Situations like this one seem to have evolved into ever expanding "club" of which I have become a member. At least we are not alone, eh?

Even if you Dad's attitude and treatment of you has gone on all you life, the very first thing I would do is make an appointment for your Dad with his doctor for tests and exams to find out if you can rule out any medcial problem and talk to your Dad's doctor (alone) about your Dad to tell him what's been going on. This is the "CYA" phase and should not be by-passed.

THEN...If your Dad's problem is not a problem that can be treated with medicaiton...i.e. your Dad is just rotten mean.....

Stop the mental, emotional, and physical abuse that you are being subjected to by your father by not allowing yourself to be caught in situations where you are alone with him. That is going to be more difficult to do than it sounds because he requires very little opportunity (only a few seconds alone with you) to do his work. Because he requires so little time, you will ALWAYS/100% of the time, have to have someone within eyesight and earshot of you and him when you are in his presence. If he is as good at it as my Father is or as good as my Mother-in-law, he can do things without uttering a word and he can mutter things that know one but you hear. AND he'll be able to make others that actually hear and see what he does believe that it was all completely innocent.

Pitiful, I know, but that's how it works. IF YOU CANT BE in the area where he is located with someone else present who is aware of the situaiton and who is 100% alert to what's going on 100% of the time, don't be around him at all.

Sometimes the medicaitons people are required to take on a daily basis to help them with some other medical problem causes a negative personality change. They can become mean, abusive, negative. Sometimes medication can be adjusted, changed or stopped, sometimes it cant. Sometimes the stress alone of becoming old and sick creates a change in them and the person turns into an abusive screaming banshee or a whining little two year old. Get ready, we're all headed down the same path. Then there are those that had a personality disorder or were bi-polar or just plain mean prior to getting old and sick and either their illness or medications they are now requried to take, or both, made their current mental/emotional health worse.

So, how do you determine whether its senile dementia or the person's daily medicaiton requirements have created the change or increased thier propensity for being mean and rotten? Talk to his Doctor. Let his Doctor make the determination. IN any case, it probably aint a going to change without medicating him, it will get worse.

If it is a problem created by medication and illness that can not be corrected and your Dad can not help it, the problem can not be improved upon with the help of his doctor via medicaiton adjustments and/or the addtion of a medicaiton to specifically adress his general well being/outlook to stop his abuse of you, you may have to adjust your outlook and/or get some type of help for yourself...e.g. medication/couseling. If he is just rotten mean and there is no treatable situaitonal or medical reason for his actions, back out of his little world/life completly. Tell him first...tell him why....and be sure to consult with his Doctor before you tell your Dad. Then do it.

Let your Father do the tasks that you have been doing for both him and your Mother to see how he likes that (he wont like it). When he complains or accuses you of being a no good person and a pathetic/sorry excuse for a kid of his for not helping him and/or you Mother, tell him the facts...you've had enough of his abuse...when it stops, you'll be back...of course if he is like the people I have to deal with, he's going to deny he has done or said anything to provoke you and take the opportunity to create an argument....Or a "P" contest...."you said or did this!" "No! YOU said or DID IT...not me!"....walk away....don't let him skew reality...don't argue with him, you'll lose...State your facts, turn your ears off and make that the end of the conversation..Then implement exactly what you told him you would...i.e....back out and let him take over.

My experience is with my Parents, 84 and 78 as well as my Mother-in-law, 78. ALL of them wait until they are alone with the other person (usually me because I am the guy that provides them with most of their aid) to do their dirty work and mutter their belligerent, insulting words...If they can work a plan like this....i.e....wait until you are alone with them, it means they know exactly what they are doing (in my opinion). Talk to thier Doctors, get a diagnosis, get medications changed or added. If nothing works tell them that if you and they cant get along it may be time for a nursing home....then back out and let them have their little world without your help and presence and see how they like it. If they find suitable help from someone else that meets their daily requirements, good for you...you'll get a little time off. Remain on call for them...but take advantage of the time off.

Working with his doctor is where I'd begin...Ask (beg) his doctor for medical advice for yourself as well. You may need medication to help you manage stress. If your Dad is diagnosed with senile demntia, ask his doctor about risperdal or something similar, if your Dad can handle it i.e. if he's not allergic to it or cause gun to suffer with bad side effects or create some other problem that they or you will have to deal with....but I am NOT a doctor nor in the health care profession, I am only speaking based on my specific situaiton and experince with mean cranky old people.

Everyone is different and every situation is different... Start with his Doctor....Luck to you

I have an abusive mother I've been taking care of for years. It's hopeless. Now she has dementia. Of course, the dementia isn't the cause of her abusiveness (verbal). That's been going on all of my life. She loves playing the martyr and loves to backstab me to get sympathy and attention. She blabbed to the wrong person and that person (not sure who, but have definite ideas) called Adult Protective Services to investigate. Of course, they saw immediately that there was nothing going on here. However, the last pitiful shreds of real sympathy I had for Mother disintegrated.

I am now in the process of reclaiming my life and placing Mother where she needs to be. I've "done my time," so to speak. Fifteen years of hard labor. Ask me how guilty I feel.

I DON'T. Neither should anyone else. Once you've gone as far down this road as you possibly can, you've got to make changes. I owe it to my grown children to save myself. Mother, too. She isn't safe in her home any longer, physically or mentally.

Maybe caregiving an aging parent is the right thing to do in the beginning. But when your own health starts taking serious hits (mine has), it is time to move on.

There will always be people who will criticize me for what I'm doing. No one who has actually done what I have re: caregiving has EVER been judgmental about changing the situation. Those who think caregivers owe and owe and owe and owe their parents and are wrong and selfish to place them in a nursing home have almost always NEVER been a caregiver themselves.

You are the only person walking in your shoes. Do what is best, be realistic, stay calm and focused, and follow through. If you choose to continue on as caregiver to your parent(s), do so without guilt driving you. And ALWAYS make time for yourself. Do what you can to live a separate life. ALWAYS make time for yourself.

It's taken me a long time and a lot of suffering to learn this.

I wish everyone the best.

My opinion.

Try talking to his doctor about putting him on Seroquel. My Mother was a strong willed but loving Mom until she was diagnosed with dementia. As the years went her personality was much more volitile. This Summer a visiting nurse saw her outbursts and told the doctor, she then prescribed this prescription. The world got a little easier. I started enjoying time with my Mom. If he goes on this medication it has to be given on a regular basis and Mirilax should be given in the morning to regulate him from constipation. It made the world of difference. Good Luck. Suzy

Seroquel backfired on my mother, and it was a very very low dose. This is for bipolar and serious personality disorders. Watch for side effects: facial "paralysis," person working jaws and tongue, sticking out tongue, choking for no reason, muscle stiffness (Mom got stiff like a board and slid off a chair like a 2x4)...and Seroquel anger. Oh and increased chance of death due to heart attacks. Bossiness, snappiness, demanding. No thanks. "Evil" is the only word I can assign that drug for what it did to my mother. We got her on Ativan, and that is working pretty well. They even used it in the ER in IV to sedate her for procedures. Anyway, there is probably some drug to help.

Be very careful about what meds an older person takes. Do your research before asking a doctor for a drug because some meds clearly state, not for an older person, or not for someone with demintia, etc. Some drugs should really only be prescribed by a psychiatrist who has given the elderly person a full medical evaluation. Otherwise, you are only spinning the barrel of meds and one of them will contain a bullet which by then it is too late.

Seroquel is precisely NOT recommended for elderly dementia patients, for all the reasons I listed. I learned about "not for dementia patients" from those wonderful TV ads that showed people painted to look like the background for the sofa, bookshelf, etc. Also there were warnings for the drug right on the sidebar of many of the websites I visited. Jeeze, pay attention! Mom didn't show sx right away; and really, seeing Mom more delusional and out of control, my first instinct was to INCREASE the Seroquel. I quickly researched the drug's user forums and other places and found the bad things were caused by the Seroquel, and Mom had them all. YIKES. Yes, spinning through drugs is what it feels like. Namenda was another we tried, and I think it helped, but made her so sleepy that it wasn't worth the tradeoff.

Susan, my mom has moved to Assisted Living the verbal abuse continues. She always "screaming matches" as she termed them with me and her only sister. My aunt has been dead several years and the screaming continued at me. Now, with dementia, it is multiplied a 100 times. Like someone posted above - she has one personality for everyone else and the verbally abusive one for me.

Short visits work best. I can even take her out to lunch or shopping for a short time, but over 15 minutes in the car and it starts. I have a lot of trouble dealing with this, but I am getting better. I have always adored my mother and for 28 years since Dad passed away I have always tried to make her life better and happier. I think maybe I have to accept that the most I can hope for now is "good days."

My husband could turn it on and off-be the jolly green giant to others and be darnright mean to me the next min. It took years for me to decide I did not deserve to be treated that way and more time to act on those feelings-and the first few times I did not let him get to me the sky did not fall and it did get easier-now my mother that is another story but I am working on that also,

maybe you should tell him every time he is verbally abusive toward you that you don't appreciate nor deserve to be treated that way because you are the only one helping him put and tell him that you will have to leave if he continues with this practice. maybe comeback in 10 minutes and if you have finished by the day, just leave and come back tomorrow or if you lives with him. try to have an isolated room for yourself only to relax on don't let him know about that isolated room? maybe?

Tell him that when he can talk with you as an adult then you will discuss what ever is on his mind but until then you will not and walk out of the room. He needs to have some consequences for his actions and you need to protect yourself. The one mistake people often make about boundaries is they think it is a means of changing the other person. No it is a means of protecting yourself with concrete consequences. If they change great, but if not they have to pay the price for their own choices.

you could just tell ur dad u aint going to tollerate that abusvie crap and for that he s going to nursing home !!! maybe that;ll wake him up ?

Thanks for the advice about my Dad. Things are very stressful, the crux of the issue is my Mom. She is 80 and fell last August and broke her hip. So we did the hospital for 5 days and rehab for 30 days and in home care for 6 weeks. She became the center of attention which she craves. And maybe rightfully so. I have 5 brothers and sisters and she raised all of us, alot of the time on her own. My Dad travelled alot before he retired so my Mom was left to do most everything on her own. She has been a big complainer over every ache and pain for years. Her legitamet (sp?) complaints, needing both knees replaced and major, major "female" surgery were just put on the back burner (her choice). She never had the knees replaced and the "female" surgery was done about 3 years too late and she now bears the consequnses of that.
She was finally doing well after the surgery when she developed a bad lung infection. This will require antibiotics for another 18 months. So everything she had gained went out the window. She is weak b/c she won't get up more than about an hour and a half a day. She has only left the house 3 times in the last 6 weeks, twice to the store with me and once to the Dr. I put a "to do" list on her fridge of all the things the Dr told her to do. There is always an excuse not to do any of it. The main one is to get more PT to get some of her strength back. Won't do it even though I can find 5 places right next to her house to go to. My Dad feels he can't help care for her, he is 85. I truly don't know if he can't or doesn't want to and wants me to do everything for her. He is use to her doing everything inside the house. He does help with some things (taking the trash out, fixing breakfast, paying bills, unloading dishwasher at times, etc) that's why I don't think they need a nursing home. I do all the medical bills and dealing with insurance and Medicare (oh joy!). I love my Mother, she has been there for me thru some very rough times. She just won't do anything other than take medicine to help herself. I can't drag her to PT or the eye Dr or to get her hair cut etc. etc. But then she wants to complain about all the problems associated with not doing these things. So much more to it but I am rambling. I have a hard time turning my back on people that need help whether inside my family or out. I know what it is like to need some help and praying that I would get some. Yes I am in therapy so trying the best I can. I did try to get help for my Mom's anxiety and (I think depression) when she was inpatient rehab. My Dad would not allow the psychiatrist to do a consult....those Drs. are for insane people--his logic. Thanks for letting me vent.

Although "they" say not to argue with people with Alzheimer's, I DO. Mom goes crazy with the "I'm DEAD" stuff, I yell SNAP OUT OF IT and clap my hands sharply. Often it works. Now turns out this DEAD illusion stuff is due to using Ativan to ironically stop her anxiety behavior. Had a real positive turnaround in the past few days sans Ativan. But that's another story.

So, here is an image about complainers. A good shrink friend of mine, long deceased, shared in his biography that the thing that drove him nuts about some patients was this. Some patients came in to share their troubles with him, and he'd give advice of how to approach the problems. Next visit, the stories continue, more elaborate, and NO the patient had not tried his suggestion. He offers another approach. And it continues like that for not too much longer. He is on to them.

They are doing what he called "bear trapping." The patient was hiring his help but they were really trying to enlist him onto their side, trying to enroll the therapist as an expert cast member in their drama. Trying to persuade The Expert of the validity of their position and feelings. He saved a special place in hell for these clients. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he let them have it. And woe to the next client who tried it.

So your mother with her litany of complaints, accepting no help. My mother does this also with her "I'm DEAD" moan, and I have literally walked away from her after I offered everything I could think of to help. Ironically, I'd think of popping her with a quarter tab of Ativan to take away her anxiety. As it is with some of these mind altering drugs, they often create the symptoms you are trying to control.

After two days off Ativan, my mother is coming back to her senses and now complains specifically about a precise area that hurts or is cold. She understands what I am doing to help.

These sorts of drugs that may have been Rx'd to help, they can backfire on you. I am looking forward to seeing what is left of my mother after six months being on psyche drugs. So far, I like what is happening with her.

Sorry to hear that you are going thru that. Maybe you need to talk to his doctor about this. People with dimentia do things like that. They put her on Lexapro I call it her nice pill. It does help. I hope you find help because it will only get worst.

Oliviajr

Mom's new complaint is back/leg/toe cramps. I know how painful they are. She just wants to lie in bed, again ironically a prime cause of the pain in the first place: sitting on your butt or lying around in bed all day. However, she is more directly responsive to my suggestions, understanding what I am doing and why, and seems to anticipate that the future can bring relief (In a half hour the Tylenol should make you feel better).

However, as I mentioned in my bear trapping manipulative behavior a few posts ago, if you do everything you can and the person is not responding, appreciating, cooperating...keeps repeating the same complaint over and over. I don't know about you but eventually I want to kick them into a hole and walk away. That's compassion fatigue.

However, in spite of the leg cramp problem, I am "happy" at the turn of events as far as her mental condition. She is now accurate about her aches, and throwing "fits' appropriate to the pain. She's not blithering "I'm DEAD" any more about every little thing, like her dentures are loose. I don't know how many hours I day I'd argue with her that she was really alive. Insanity for both of us. Ativan, good riddance. Now we'll see what her baseline craziness really is. Except for the leg cramps, so far so good.

Sometimes it takes more than one Rx medicine to do the job. My mom takes Lexapro, Seroquil, Aricept, Namenda and Xannax to get her thru the day and night and sometimes that still is not enough.

Wow, a heavy load of drugs. Unchartered territory. As I mentioned, Seroquel itself made mom "mad" after a short term use, and very low dose. My RN niece said when patients like that came into her ward, they took them off everything and started over. The only thing Namenda did for Mom was to make her desire a nap all the time.

Well they say everybody is not the same. But has bad as I hate giving her all that medicine it sure helps.

I understand, that's why I liked trying these drugs, at first. I mean, how often does one get experience in this in a lifetime. On the job training, and the doctors will not carefully monitor it. I can't believe how I trusted their decisions. And then challenged them. So make note of the side effects of the Seroquel especially, or you will be medicating to stop those side effects, even giving more of what is causing the bizarre behavior.

So far to day, four days off Ativan and no other psyche drugs, Mom just had a bit of a meltdown when her dentures came out. Almost like a giving up the ghost, a non verbal variation on the 'I'm DEAD" schtick. Later she perked up and I was even able to wash out her ears without her thinking she was going to hell.

You know, we've taken this discussion way off the original poster's question. Sorry...

Susan I remember when my mother was first stages of dimentia it seems like that was the hard stage. It was like she knew something was wrong but did not know what it was. She knew she was losing her mind but did not know why. No matter how many times I told her she had dimentia it just did not sink in. So I think so of her lashing out came from her being scared. She got so bad that I could not wait till she moved on to other stages but now that she is in the last stage I wish she could remember who I am just one more time. In time it will get better but there is a whole lot of crap that you have to go thru first. There was a time when my mom told my siblings that we had no food and that I would not feed her, and that I was stealing her money. My sibling leave close by and will not help but when she told them that they believed her. It has been a long hard road but giving a chance to do it all over again I would. My mom but up alot with me growing up I quess it is my turn. Good Luck and hand in there.