I'm looking for perspective (this may be a rant). I live in DC, my mother lives in Houston and was in cancer treatment, she may decide to continue with radiation but that hasn't started yet.
She is deconditioned and had suffered mobility issues prior to her cancer diagnosis. During her diagnosis, I hired a care manager and a weekly caregiver, to prepare weekly meals and medication management.
My brother and his wife started staying with her because she is a fall risk. My brother and I divided up certain household bills up until late last year. He stopped working and I took on an extra bill. He returned to work a few weeks ago, and I told him I could no longer shoulder the financial responsibility I took on a few months ago.
In recent weeks, the caregiver no longer wants to work in the home to prepare meals because of negative feedback received from my sister in law. The care manager had negative interactions when she stops by the home too.
At this point I want to help my mother stay safe. I believe she is being taken care of and have no reason to think there is abuse happening. The care manager will continue to stop by to determine if any changes are needed.
I want to visit my mother and spend time with her. That has been put on hold because of the pandemic. I am really scared of contracting COVID-19 and carrying it to my mom.
Yesterday, I was verbally accosted by my brother's wife when I reminded my brother I was not paying the bill this month. She stated she had given up her life and I am ungrateful. She called me a failure of a daughter and posted a public message conveying this to her network.
I spoke to the care manager and that was a help. I am wondering if others experience similar family dynamics and have perspectives to share?
I'm not trying to bash you here, but I need to point something out: you say you want to visit mom and spend time with her...that's great, but it implies that at some point you leave your mom and go back to your life. Right now, your brother and his wife don't have that luxury. If your mom is that bad a fall risk, and taking care of her is starting to affect your brother's marriage, it's time to talk with him and mom about AL or NH.
I'm the sibling doing the care taking, so I'm a little sensitive about other siblings, hundreds of miles away, feeling like I'm being unreasonable about my emotions that come with taking care of someone. It's not like raising a baby, because with a baby there's "improvement" (for lack of a better word) every day. With caring for an elderly person, it's a slow decline that is frustrating and scary, because the bottom of that hill is the end. Please don't think I am accusing you of insensitivity, I'm just encouraging you to look at this situation through the eyes of your brother/SIL.
Good luck
Many on this forum will comment that adult children should not be shouldering the expenses for their parent's care and I agree. It may be that your mom now needs more attention than you, b and sil are able to provide or afford. The virus messes things up for quite a while since NHs are the MOST likely place to get the illness and your mom is extremely high risk. If your mom's finances are that strained then you should consider applying for Medicaid. Or, go with Brother to an elder law attorney who has experience in estate planning and navigating Medicaid qualification. It will be money well spent if your mom has any income/assets/investments. I wish you great success in protecting and caring for your mom. She is lucky to have all of you!