I am a 54yo man caring for my 84 year old mother - moved her in 3 years ago. She is a wonderful and kind person -- not abusive or angry -- she instead tends towards depression -- and -- every year that passes I become more aware of how much I am giving up. I am afraid that by the time she passes, I will have nothing left physically or emotionally to build my own life. I just have no energy left over for proactively engaging in my now life anymore. I am treading water with my business (self-employed) and am actually grateful I have no kids, because there is barely any energy left for me. A big part of the issue is that I am still living in a community I would have left years ago except for her being here. My preference would be to live much further north (USA) where the climate would not be good for her at all. I also love traveling and feel most at home in a much bigger city, and having her with me in a city would be intolerable. I feel I am on the edge of burnout. I have access to good friends and counselors, and, I'm beginning to feel a sense of hopelessness that really scares me. Thanks for your insights.
Going forward..I have gone through every emotion to severe depression, to failing health, to feeling older than my Mama, to joy, to depression, to despair, to extreme loneliness, to contentment, in short...just bouncing all over the map in emotion and as the years go by (going on four now) having moments where it seems the clock is ticking faster and faster and my life is going down the tubes....Mama seems to ebb and flow mentally in her now advanced dementia and but her physical health is basically good.
I wish I had some words of wisdom...one thing I do note is you say you have friends whom you can access...BY ALL MEANS DO THAT!!!! That is one thing I have NOT had...I have pretty much been alone throughout this journey....
I finally did go to a doctor myself and get back on depression meds and that has helped...a LOT....also, I am trying to just keep the faith and know that tomorrow is not promised for any of us. I believe if I knew then what i know now I would do no different. Many times I still think I am losing my mind...or maybe already lost it. While I have never laid a hand on Mama, I have had moments of what I can only call rage where the feelings seemed so out of control I just went to a different room and got a hold of myself...But overall, I WANT to be here for her. She has always been good to me...was and is always my best friend. I don't know what the future holds...really none of us do...but I do believe God will help me do this if I just take it one day at a time. Again, my situation is different from a lot of folks, so I'm not saying my advice is worth a toot for anything...but do believe I am blessed to be here...and I know that I am going to be OK. I knew that going in so I guess that's why I didn't think beyond it, just did it....Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, keep in touch with friends and ask them for help when you need it...get counseling if you think that would help...and this site is an excellent resource....Best wishes.
In my view, you need to be successful at work, planning for your own old age and building your own life, living where you want to be.
You made a choice to give that up and live with your mother and are finding it hard. It is hard. Any kind of care giving is hard.
You still have choices - to get help for your depression, to examine the roots of it and make changes in your life, to stay as you are.
Many seniors do well in assisted living arrangements. There is Medicaid for those who cannot afford to pay If your mother does not need much care, she can stay in her home for now and helpers can be hired. There are lots of options. Looks like you need to consider them.
I am a distance caregiver for my mother who is 102. I still help her, look after her finances, see she has the care she needs, but am not available 24/7 and I have a life of my own, It can be done. Good luck.
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