How do I deal with a mother that is not senile, but is just plain mean?
My mother is horrible. She has always been mean, mean to me and controlling when I was small, always sarcastic and manipulative. I found out later that when i was litte I always thought my father was really mean because he always said "No" to whatever it was I wanted! Well, I came to learn how she manipulated him to say "No" to me, and threatened him if he said "yes" but came to me and said stuff.."you know I would, honey, but your father said "No" I cant help it",,, She also would get mad at me and throw my dollies and stuffed toys out the car window (I was four) if i cried about something and say, do you want to stop crying or see another one of your babies go out the window??" My father died and I am only child, she moved in with me! Now, I put up with mean insults on a daily basis and she is now 92! Shes not senile, just mean..very mean...I would think that she/I could reconcile some of the stuff, but no, she keeps on going, along with insulting my teens...help!!! My teens are ADHD and we have major issues, school, work etc Sometimes its too much for me to take. I get no help from my 16 year old and 18 year old who hate her. I am lonely, frustrated and cant do anything right in her opinion or the kids opinion, although i have always been home with them, took good care of them. I try to take good care of her, she always has meals cooked; although they are always "slop" mostly or yesterday she told me only "poor people eat pasta"...my hubby is away 3 days a week working..I am here with these monsters. Thats how I feel, a bunch of entitled self centered people who demand every moment. And contribute nothing...any helpful suggestions, i am sad...very sad...
If she is smart she will try to live happily with you and your family. Most elderly would love to have time with their teenage grandchildren. They would make sure she isn't lonely while you and your spouse work.
But back to Mom, tell her if she isn't happy and your family isn't happy with her there, she will be the one leaving for a nursing home (if she is low on resources-medicaid will fine a placement--then she will indeed be eating "slop"). Or she can go to her own home and hire out a live in aide but she will have to shape up and not abuse them verbally as they will not stay. She will not have a caring family member at either option. Let her know that you will make the call. She will have to adjust at either living arrangement. Current behavior isn't going to
continue. It is disrespectful to your family and it will not be tolerated.
Finally I am an only child and I know this is very difficult to do. But your first
loyalty is to your children and husband. Your mother can't poison the home you have worked to create.
Mom may shape up if she knows she is on her way out of the family home. Perhaps a brief visit to a respite nursing home for a week or two would drive the point home to her if she is a slow learner.
Good luck.
Elizabeth
We have never been able to live together for very long and she has wrecked havoc with her finances so many times that she had no where else to go, as her son is just like her.
Due to all of this, we have already made the decision that once my mother is hospitalized (for whatever) and can no longer care for herself, we will have her transferred to a nursing home; but she must stay in the hospital for at least 3 to 4 days.
Talk to her doctor. See about having her admitted for something!!! Once it's determined she can no longer care for herself, have her moved to a nursing home. The social workers on staff will assist you in working down her assets so that she can qualify for medicaid and once this happens, she'll remain there.
This may sound cruel, but it's your emotional health, your families too and the best place for someone like this.
This is exactly what will happen to my mother once she reaches the state that she can no longer care for herself. You can't even begin to imagine all the things she's done to others in her life. It's like a Stephen King novel, but real!
First, good luck and take care of yourself! You are in a difficult space but at least you have some distance from your in laws so dealing with them without guilt should be something you can accomplish. Tell your mother-in-law plainly that she is not getting what she wants by being mean. That you are not going to put up with it, and t the staff will be less responsive to her if she is verbally abusive. Odds are she has much more control over her behavior that she has exercised over the years. I have seen elderly patients in nursing homes, with a long history of abuse behavior, be trained to behave by the staff. For some, it is the first time in their lives, they are being given limits and since they are not able to do things for themselves, they are forced to alter their nasty behavior. Discussing a plan of this sort with the head nurse in charge of your mother-in-law's care is a good idea that way the staff can explain to her plainly and clearly that she will always get the care to which she is entitled but she will not get nice extra visits etc because people are more likely to visit people who are nice.
Also keep in mind, that sometimes this verbally abusive behavior is the result of dementia or in women, urinary tract infections. But, keep your spirits up and head high.
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