My mom (90) lives alone so my siblings and I take turns visiting but she still spends long stretches of time living alone. Recently she has become very angry with my oldest sister (who has done the most to take care of mom), accusing her of stealing her stuff and getting her cell phone service she never wanted. (She previously agreed to the phone). It seems the basic problem is forgetfulness but this woman who has been kind and giving all her life is now growing suspicious of her own kids. She suspects us of trying to get her to move out of her house. Yesterday she suggested a PERS (personal emergency response system) which is a great idea for her but today she forgot that she thought is was a good idea and may end up resenting me if I get her one. Can anyone suggest any reading about strategies for communicating with them and putting their minds at ease?
Thanks.
If it's just purely memory loss, you could tape a conversation with her on a smart phone (or tape recorder) or have her sign a document that she agrees with X/Y/Z and hold it to show to her. Or better keep it in her place, so she doesn't think you've taken it and altered it.
But I really think there is more than just memory loss going on and things will probably get much worse - and she will get to where she shouldn't be living alone.
the stealing issue is forgotten or they say someone else came in and moved it.
I have been accused of all types of crimes by my father from grand larceny to
petty theft. I no longer pay attention. The paranoia gets worse and worse. I used to ask my mom why she did certain things - hide the depends, etc. I no longer ask because she doesn't know. She will eat something that she has eaten for 85 years and will say she has never had this food before - I now ask do you like it? Would you eat again? I have learned the very hard way - do not argue. As I have posted before, the people who give the most care will get the most abuse and the most accusations leveled against them. Since they have a lot of time on their hands - they look for things to become upset about. They didn't get served first in the dining room, they had to wait for meds or someone didn't do something exactly right. They worry over little things and make them into really big issues. I, like Pam, wait before jumping though hoops for certain requests - each day has about 10 things that are desperately needed, although they may already have the items there. I go on a scavenger hunt on a regular basis in their apartment so I am not spending hours buying things they don't need or already have. Please have your mom evaluated. It won't make it easier to deal with her, but you will be able to understand that nothing you are doing is causing your mom's forgetfulness or paranoia. It will also help you understand that there is nothing you can do to fix it.
Another suggestion, have her doctor check her for an urinary tract infection as those can cause an elder to become angry and suspicious.
Paranoia is extremely common in some forms of dementia. Because they are worried about having things stolen, they hide them. Then they forget that they hid them and that "confirms" to them that someone is stealing things.
It is very unlikely that your mother can continue on her own indefinitely if she as dementia of any kind. It would be worthwhile finding out what she has sooner rather than later, for planning purposes. Getting a doctor involved also opens the possibility of drugs to treat symptoms.
She would insist on certain things that were not true, but I just didn't figure out until later that it was the dementia. For example, she forgot how to use her security system, but she told me she just didn't want to bother any more. She would talk about how her dad never liked to use the security system, but her dad died 20 years before she got it. She would argue with me about this.
She kept slipping until it became dangerous for her to stay alone. I'd watch carefully and realize that with dementia, sometimes they may have a good day, but the decline is still occurring. One day she forget how to get home.
The neurologist we saw did an office test, then ordered an MRI and a Neuro-Psychological Evaluation. A doctor would know if that is in order for your mom at this point.
We've dealt with some of this both with my wife's parents and an elderly friend. Fortunately, you and your siblings are very engaged with your mom and her wellbeing. An elderly friend called us about a year ago late one evening and wanted my wife to come over to sit and pray with her. The friend has no children and her POA is half the country away. The friend was afraid for her life. When we got there, she told us all about the neighbor threatening to kill her and wanting to turn her corner into some sort of a park. Nothing she described about the neighbor's house was accurate. Turned out it was some sort of sundowner's paranoia issue. She does very well during the day but once the sun goes down, the fear grows. We reported what had happened to the family after tracking down some contact information and our friend was hospitalized then rehab to nursing care shortly there after.
What we discovered is that as the brain's thinking becomes tangled and confused, it adds fear. That fear comes out as anger and paranoia, and the safest people to aim them at is the most familiar.
Evaluation is the best first step...
I am an only child and now they are doing it to me because I am the only one left. Sorry
My husband and I are caring for my 87-year-old mother who has memory problems and issues of paranoia. We took her out of her senior living situation even though it was 2 blocks nearby our house and we visited several times a day since she called the police a few times and was accusatory of the other residents of taking things. Prior to this and continuing, she sees a geriatric specialist who prescribed some medicines to help with this issue, along with helping with anxiety and sleeping. I would recommend a geriatric specialist if you don't already have one. In a few months, we will place my mother in assisted living. She has lived with about 1.5 years and I believe the situation is necessary for her safety. My husband and I never go places together as we always have one person home. My mother has left the stove on a few times, and she has wandered once. Believe me, the wandering is scary and it is true that you don't know it will happen until it does. Also, some days she is paranoid all day and her demeanor is not positive. I think the assisted living (memory care unit) will try to engage her more and also provide safety for her. She falls quite easily now but refuses to use a walker. I would also recommend a caregivers' support group for you. I have only gone once, but it was invaluable. It may be increasingly difficult for your mother to live alone (increasing paranoia, safety, etc.) and you might be fortunate to have quality memory care units near your house. Those are my suggestions... I wish you well.
Sometimes I wish I was the one who could not remember! But I do.
It's no fun when you find that you become, "...the enemy...", in another's eyes.
However....I have learned so many ways through it.
I would be happy to converse with you....I seem to just repeat myself on this site. It a good site, don't misunderstand.....I believe from the amount of time I have put into this site & all the Beautiful Spirits which have touched my life is a Gift in itself.
If you wish, please contact me privately. BLESSINGS .....
Sometimes I tell her my dad told the "little girl down the valley who took her rings" to not come back and that she won't. This can help in the moment. Easing her emotion and anxiety in the moment is most helpful. She is on lexipro for her anxiety, which does help in general, but she still has the hallucinations and fearfulness of stealing.
As others have said, get an evaluation under some pretense if necessary. Learn about dementia and write something up for the doctor before hand. Not all geriatricians even have that much knowledge about how to help people with dementia and hallucinations.
good luck to you and your family.
All of this took a lot of time and was totally frustrating. At the end of this year, all of their doctors, labs, hospitals, etc. notified me that they would no longer accept their insurance so I started again with locating specialists that would take them on as new patients. The AL does have a podiatrist, dermatologist and gerontologist that sees them there. Since the ACA, many insurance companies want to keep their current policy holders. So I would compare their policy for California with others. One side note: the tracking of hospital bills and doctor's bills, lab bills, rehab facilities is a full time job. I have no idea how elderly people do this without help from someone. I have to talk to billing offices almost every day of my life. I have a portable file system that I keep that keeps everything together - copies of legal papers,
advanced directives, POS and a folder for each doctor, hospital stay, etc. It helps me keep everything together and I can document my calls or follow-up communications. I wish you the best - it takes a lot of time at the beginning but eventually it will get straightened out. It is just very frustrating and takes numerous phone calls and documentation.