I have asked a few questions on this forum over the last 3 years while taking care of my parent's issues. It has been very helpful reading all the answers to mine and other's questions.
As of last week my last remaining parent passed away. I am sad they are both gone but also relieved that the toll it took on me is now over.
Now the catch. While cleaning out my mom's room at AL I came across some hidden papers in her dresser. They were rolled up and doubled bagged in her sock drawer. I almost just threw them out with all the other items I was getting rid of but decided at the last second to open the bag. It turned out they are adoption papers for me and my brother. I am 57 years old and never once had any idea that I was adopted.
I'm not mad, not sad, not happy, not anything. I'm just numb. I don't really expect many answers on this forum for this particular subject since it's not really care giving related but I just had to get that out.
I did want to say thanks for all the help over the years.
Do what you can do for parent. Take care of yourself with same gusto. I wish you strength. I wish you wisdom. I wish you perspective.
Take care of you.
If you have a happy and complete life, maybe let it be? No advice, though, just however you feel, go with it.
Prayers for u to find peace
maybe there is a support group for this somewhere. Even on line. It helps to know u r not alone.
My neighbors adopted their granddaughter. The bio mom just up and left. Turns out she had a habit of having babies with unstable guys and then leaving. Then their son got thrown in jail for drug dealing. The plan was temporary custody— had they not taken her, she’d have been put in foster care. The son stopped caring after he was out of jail, so they legally adopted her. The grandkid was a baby when all this began. She is 10 now and knew she was adopted but not the circumstances. So they all went to a child counselor and approached it as “Anna’s Story”. (Kept the harsher details of drug addict father out, but plan to discuss it with her when she’s a bit older.) She was happy to learn her story, but asked if her bio parents could ever come back and take her away. 😟 They didn’t even know she’d wondered that. They promised her that would never happen.
I know someone in his 50s who is adopted; knew since he was small. He eventually tracked down his birth mom. They talked on the phone but she didn’t want to keep in touch— she’d had him as a teenager before she met her husband, and she’d never told him about it. Crazy! He understood and is okay with it.
Just some random thoughts...Condolences for your losses....Re: your finding information about your possible adoption--- You could research further to find out more about yourself......Ancestry dna might help...Your brother was adopted too? Perhaps it's a generational thing...to hide adoption stuff....I wish you luck....Often those who were/are adopted struggle with the question, why were they given-up for adoption?? Since you wrote that you are extremely old .........you were bornaround the time when electricity was discovered.... during a time where many were forced to give-up their babies, due to stigma or coercion by families. Since only you know if those who raised you were kind, supportive, etc. I cannot assume that they were loving,etc. If curiosity has piqued..https://www.23andme.com might help...I'm guessing you've "done the math" and have calculated the probability that your biologicals, might be deceased...Therefore, it might be worth a search for curiosity or health purposes. Who knows you might be another Toby Dawson story...Condolences for the loss of those who raised you.
Ummm, he stated in the original post "I am 57 years old." If that is extremely old, I must be ANCIENT as I am older than he is!!! My kids (grown adults) may think I am (but my mom has me beat by about 30 years!)
The second statement - last I checked electricity has been around since long before 1962 (when OP was born), even way before I was born to be the Ancient one.
"...in 1879, Thomas Edison invented the electric light bulb and our world has been brighter ever since!" - for many years before than, multiple people were "dabbling" in electricity. If we just go with prior to 1879, OP would be 140 years old!!!
Since he is only 57, there is potential for finding other family members, if he so chooses, including biological parents, half-siblings or cousins or even the next generation!
I would say that you are in shock, so give yourself some time to get through the loss of your mom. Then spend time thinking on yourself and how it is effecting you. I believe this will guide you to know what you may or may not want to pursue. Take Care <3
I just don't know where that leaves you.
It wouldn't be fair to blame the cousin or take her specifically to task, just because she's the last one within reach, of course. But if it'd been me I think her reply would have put me into full Sarcasm Overdrive. Any other little snippets they didn't think it was their place to mention..?
Most of the family? MOST? How many people exactly were in on this and keeping shtum?
But, of course, what you do need is information. Have you been able to find out anything at all about the adoption process?
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm new to the forum and I hope that you don't mind me putting in my two cents worth. Both of my parents are deceased but my father in law and mother and law are still alive. They're divorced so we spend our time going to separate parts of the country to care for them when we're needed.
I think that when a parent passes we go into almost shock. There's a numbness and the temptation is to put steady ground under your feet by taking the next step. In your case, it's been shock on top of shock. May I suggest that you sit with this information for a while and give yourself time to process all the stages of grief before making any huge decisions?
You could take a DNA test to find your biological parents but what if they don't want contact? What if they're deceased? We're the same age so I know that's a double edged sword. Waiting or not waiting is a tricky proposition. That doesn't even touch the problem with the fact that some family members knew but didn't know why you weren't told.
Letting it out is good. That's how you start healing. Please remember to be kind to yourself while you're going through this process. You sound like such a good and kind person and it's stressful taking care of elderly parents. I remember all the adrenaline of worrying all the time then suddenly when it stopped, I didn't know what to do. My answer was simply to be. My deepest condolences.
So, you are blessed that you were raised believing that you were theirs, all the good, all the bad and everything in between they accepted and owned as their very own sons.
I know finding out the way you did was a shock and the revelation that you two were the only ones that didn't know is difficult, but not as difficult as what could have been. I just felt really led to share this with you.
I pray you are doing well and finding your new normal after everything.
Will you have anybody with you for support when you meet your mother? Not to do anything, just to stand by in case you need your hand held; but anyway I hope this will be wonderful for both of you.
Sometimes we have to float up pretty high to catch a glimpse of what has transpired in our lifetimes and the lives of our loved ones.
Thank you for taking us on your journey.
Example: I have a friend 🐣whose birth-mother 🐥psychologically collapsed into death, 17 years after she🐥 was coerced to give-up her child🐣. . I watched the process, and know that the birth mother 🐥didn't want to give up her kiddo, yet her parents, coerced her to do so. The result was a 🐣kiddo who blamed himself for the biological mother's demise/death. The kiddo had no idea that he was forcefully placed up for adoption, kiddo knows now, and has a better understanding of what happened.
Conversely the circumstances between your birth mother and your bio-father 🐎could have been something unpleasant, and within a few seconds... your meeting could go south incredibly fast.
Or...perhaps your adoption involved a stork delivering you in a basket to your mother's doorstep.
Although it's impossible to know every element that was involved in the adoption process. Be open to remembering that nothing was or is your fault.
Your mother knew someone would tell you...so she placed the documents in an area to be found. Those documents ensured that you could have the option to contact the agency, to learn what was in that agency's records. Who knows why nobody told you, but your mom knew you might eventually learn about stuff, after she died. The reason for withholding that information could range from simple pride to....much more...
Hopefully your birth mother 🐥will be open to doing whatever you both decide is best, about keeping in contact...or not... the next step could move forward or stop; in either case you've been allowed to meet the person who carried you for 9.5 months.🐥. It'll be weird, you might experience an automatic umbilical cord based connection.
I hope the meeting is everything that both of you need or want it to be.🌸🌸
I wish you good luck and Godspeed, my friend. Do check back and let us know how everything turns out.