Death bed confession (sort of) has me in new dilemma.

That is a beautiful thing your parents did and the love I’m sure they had for you both.

Condolences for your loss. That kind of shocking news coming so soon after her death would leave anyone numb. It sounds like your parents were not of the generation that talked much about adoption. You may be interested in knowing who your biological parent were just for the academics or the medical interest but know that if your adoptive parents loved you and raised you, you are truly the person you are supposed to be and that is the important thing.

Wow, what a shock. She wanted you to know, apparently. That would be a tough one. My husband found out at 40 that his aunt was his birth mother. It was peaceful for him, as he loved his folks and knew it was best. He was able to thank the aunt before she died. Best Wishes 🙏

Should you want to find the birth parent or the family, you could do the DNA test through any of the ones you hear about like Ancestry. I am sorry that your mom passed, went through that myself last year. It takes some time to get your mind in order and learning about all that, sure you would of liked to talked to her about it. She sounds like a good mom. Blessings.

Have you told your brother? If you're relationship is good then maybe you can both help each other? I know you're not looking for answers really but for some reason this jumped out at me. I don't know how I'd feel maybe numb is good for now. I also think it has something to do with the fact that you just lost both your parents and maybe I'd feel like I hadn't totally. Not saying this is how you feel. I'd like to know later what you decided to do or not do?

That’s big! Was there info on your birth parents? I guess that generation often chose not to tell children they were adopted, generally. I hope you are able to process your feelings soon either with loved ones or a professional counselor. Best wishes for a happy ending to this story. I too miss my Dad but am glad we both are no longer stressed and suffering.

Whoa! That’s a lot to absorb and at the heels of her death and your mourning. I hope you find peace with this new information. A lot of folks have found missing relatives through the DNA sharing sites. Perhaps you’ll enjoy the search for your biological family. You may find out someone’s been looking for you for a long time.

I am sorry that you found out about being adopted this way.
I would say that you are in shock, so give yourself some time to get through the loss of your mom. Then spend time thinking on yourself and how it is effecting you. I believe this will guide you to know what you may or may not want to pursue. Take Care <3

Hi mikejrexec:
Just some random thoughts...Condolences for your losses....Re: your finding information about your possible adoption--- You could research further to find out more about yourself......Ancestry dna might help...Your brother was adopted too? Perhaps it's a generational thing...to hide adoption stuff....I wish you luck....Often those who were/are adopted struggle with the question, why were they given-up for adoption?? Since you wrote that you are extremely old .........you were bornaround the time when electricity was discovered.... during a time where many were forced to give-up their babies, due to stigma or coercion by families. Since only you know if those who raised you were kind, supportive, etc. I cannot assume that they were loving,etc. If curiosity has piqued..https://www.23andme.com might help...I'm guessing you've "done the math" and have calculated the probability that your biologicals, might be deceased...Therefore, it might be worth a search for curiosity or health purposes. Who knows you might be another Toby Dawson story...Condolences for the loss of those who raised you.

I’d never considered not telling your kid they’re adopted because you’re scared of the bio parent taking them back, but...

My neighbors adopted their granddaughter. The bio mom just up and left. Turns out she had a habit of having babies with unstable guys and then leaving. Then their son got thrown in jail for drug dealing. The plan was temporary custody— had they not taken her, she’d have been put in foster care. The son stopped caring after he was out of jail, so they legally adopted her. The grandkid was a baby when all this began. She is 10 now and knew she was adopted but not the circumstances. So they all went to a child counselor and approached it as “Anna’s Story”. (Kept the harsher details of drug addict father out, but plan to discuss it with her when she’s a bit older.) She was happy to learn her story, but asked if her bio parents could ever come back and take her away. 😟 They didn’t even know she’d wondered that. They promised her that would never happen.

I know someone in his 50s who is adopted; knew since he was small. He eventually tracked down his birth mom. They talked on the phone but she didn’t want to keep in touch— she’d had him as a teenager before she met her husband, and she’d never told him about it. Crazy! He understood and is okay with it.

Wow! I found out at 40 about my “real” father. Things like this r shocking to say the least. Maybe the take away is that hopefully your adoptive family was wonderful to u.
Prayers for u to find peace
maybe there is a support group for this somewhere. Even on line. It helps to know u r not alone.

Mike, I am so sorry for the loss of your parents and for that unexpected and unwished for discovery. It sounds like maybe you would like to just forget that you found those papers, and maybe that is best. My mom, still living, was adopted; she found out when she was 18, and was not happy about it, and throughout the years it has always bothered her. And of course that was long before the advent of the computer and opening up adoptions. At one point apparently my dad and she checked with that state but there had a been a fire with records destroyed... so there went that possibility. (Of course in my mind, I think, ohhh, after so watching many criminal tv shows, maybe the records were purposely destroyed... )

If you have a happy and complete life, maybe let it be? No advice, though, just however you feel, go with it.

Hey OP we are clearing out my mom's house as we have a sale pending. This is last of properties. I found some things my mom wrote about me. On Sunday last. I have had a hard time with what she wrote, but she did. And I can't erase that,but what I can do is support you. And anyone else. This is difficult, no doubt. It has been for me.

Do what you can do for parent. Take care of yourself with same gusto. I wish you strength. I wish you wisdom. I wish you perspective.

Take care of you.

mikejrexec;
Condolences on your losses. It is certainly not the best time to get blindsided by this revelation, but take time to grieve and take care of yourself first. Care-giving takes a toll, and loss takes another. There is time later for you to digest the "news".

Many have chimed in to provide care and support, including those who are also adopted and/or related stories about adoptions. Many people feel they can be open about adoption, others not so much. Since they are gone, your parents cannot provide a reason for not revealing this sooner, but I would suspect it was more fear of losing you both. So many people, especially those coming of age around the same time as you, wanted to find out or already knew and had to go off to find those "birth" parents. Some have happy endings, some not so much. Some resulted in breaking from the adoptive family - not everyone is secure in themselves or their upbringing. I would think that might be an adoptive parent's worst nightmare/fear. Then there is always when is the right time to tell the kids, if they feel they should be told. Perhaps that right time just never came for them.

Although several mentioned that adoption was a "secret", and it certainly may have been for some, it was much more of a stigma for the birth mother giving up the child, especially if born out of wedlock. Perhaps if it was a family member giving up the child it would need to be kept secret. Perhaps it was required by the adoption agency. Who knows. The mindset was certainly different "back in the day."

The MOST important part about adoption is that you are CHOSEN and LOVED for who you are, not for where you came from! You stated that you and your brother were well treated and loved, THAT is what is important. So many children today are raised in families where they are not loved unconditionally, or even abused (happens with adoptions as well!) All my cats are adopted and loved for themselves and their special quirks! I do tell them they are adopted, but they don't seem to care. ;-)

I read through the comments and selected the following from them:

polarbear
"The real parents are the ones that raise you and love you, not the ones that gave birth to you."

Midkid58
"Yes, there is your DNA, which makes you who you are, but your true parents are the people who raised and loved you."

Liz1963
"We're selected, not expected."

Worriedspouse
"You can speculate all you want but what you experienced is what counts because that was reality: They loved you and you loved them."

BeckyT
"My way of thinking is: Your parents picked you and gave you a wonderful life. Think of all you would have missed if you had never known them."

Jannner
“you grew not under my heart , but in it!”

These all sum up what I might want to say.

Your parents cared enough to perhaps protect you (or themselves) from heartache if either of you chose to seek out your birth parents, yet were wise enough to keep the papers in case you might ever want to know or need it (medical information could be needed.) Take your time now to reflect on the great relationships you had and remember all the good times. If you so choose to seek out any "birth" family, there are many ways to do it, but you need to be strong enough to handle what might come your way. Could be great finding new family, could be not so great. Wait until you have come to terms with it all so that you can sort through all of this.

mikejrexec: So far you have received some excellent suggestions, but since I haven't read them all, I hope I'm not being redundant. Just a couple of thoughts here. Keep in mind that at your age of 57, your parents may or may not be living. This is probably the time to begin searching, IF that is what you desire. Using 23 and Me can not only give you some information about your racial/ethnic background; sometimes it can identify someone who is a close DNA match to you. Aside from that, it is often important for medical reasons, to know your history. My sister adopted a child 44 years ago, who recently developed leukemia. My niece met her birth parents when she was 21 and last year, her birth mother became her bone marrow and stem cell donor. Peace to you!

As others have said, consider talking to a therapist. There are potential positives and potential negatives no matter which direction you decide to take this. Please include your brother in this decision. There's the adage that it would be good to know health histories, but that could also in some respect be taken care of through a 23-and-Me health DNA screening. I am not sure, but I think you can indicate on DNA testing that you do not want the information to be made public. And of course, you may or may not wish to know about potential half-siblings and so on. I have friends who were adopted who found birth parents. One is now in a happy but distant relationship with several half siblings and another who had found a birth mother who was very clingy. (In our age group, the chances are less likely that that will be a problem.) But at any rate, think about all the ramifications and think about what society was like in 1959. (I was born in 1960.) I know you are grateful for your life with your parents, but also consider that your mother didn't throw the things away. She wanted the choice to be yours and your brothers.

Adoption was viewed so differently way back when( lol, I can say that cause I’m older than you😉) . But the proof is in the pudding, sounds like they raised you in a loving family. My sister’s kids are both adopted and she had a beautiful poem 90% of which I can’t recall but one beautiful line that imo says it all, “ you grew not under my heart , but in it!” Makes me tear up every time.

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure you feel very curious about the circumstances surrounding the adoption. If you decide to search out your birth parents, do so with caution. Some have sought out a parent only to learn they wish they had not and it was hard to shake them off. I had a friend who did this and they had led different lifestyles and it was bad trying to get away from them afterwards. Check them out before identifying yourself to them. Just a word of caution. That’s all. I am sure you have all of these emotions and questions running through your head now. Maybe your adoptive parents knew you were safer with them and protected you by not revealing the birth parents’ identity. You were loved. That is what matters.

You’re not done with us, stick around :) You are now a voice of wisdom for all you’ve been through. You can pass that knowledge on to newbies that show up.

I’m sorry for your loss.

My way of thinking is: Your parents picked you and gave you a wonderful life. Think of all you would have missed if you had never known them.

Wow! Obviously, you need time to grieve, but when you are ready, you may want to try to learn who your birth parents are or were. Here in Massachusetts, if you were born before 1974, you can request your pre-adoption documentation. From this you should at least learn who your birth mother was. For all you know, you may have half-siblings out there somewhere. I did the Ancestry DNA thing just to learn about my ethnicity, but low and behold, someone else who had been adopted (and their parents had passed away from old age) did the DNA test. I was the closest match to him. He contacted me about a month after my last parent passed. We are either half-siblings or first cousins. The long and the short of it is, that he now knows who is birth mother is, that she married and had three more children who he is half-sibling to. He also learned that she tried to find him back in the 1990s but the adoption agency had gone out of business and she didn't know his adopted name so he now has the knowledge through his half-siblings that she loved him dearly and gave him up because she felt it was the best option for him. He is somehow related to me and we are attempting to determine whether he is the son of my father or my uncle. A virtual "orphan" only a few months ago, his life has become so interesting with more family than he ever knew. On the other hand, I know of someone else who was in a similar situation who through Ancestry found her birth mother who rejected her all over again when she reached out 58 years after her birth. Which is why I suggest that if you investigate, you do so when you feel strong and ready. There are many reasons why people put their children up for adoption and there are many reasons why your parents might have felt compelled to not tell you. Only you will know what feels best. Sorry for your loss, and for the conflict that your discovery created. I understand. But eventually, there are tools in our modern age that will enable you to shed some light on your situation if you so choose.

What a difficult issue at this time. I'm glad you could come to the site and rest assured, many others have discovered unwelcome secrets that came out. It's awful tough to realize that our elders did this to us with the best of intentions; it doesn't ameliorate the sting, though. Best wishes to you and condolences on your loss; you and your brother were incredibly precious to your parents, so much so that she carried the papers with her everywhere she lived, even in AL.

I am so sorry for your loss.  However you decide to resolve this, be kind to yourself.  Big (((HUGS)))!

This is understandably a shock and emotionally/psychologically difficult situation to find yourself in, now. This forum may surprise you . . . with the support we / it can offer. My heart goes out to you.

My questions to you:

* What do you want to do about it now?
* How are you feeling about yourself ? your mom? parents? now - that you know.
* Do you feel that short term (or long) therapy would assist/support you now?
If yes, I know an incredible therapist in the East Bay (California), if you are interested. I am sure there are many available around the country working in this area.
* Is a good reminder to all of us here to open/look at any and everything we clean up and out in these situations.
* While I am only presuming this, in the 'old days,' keeping these things secret or quiet may have been felt/seen to be the best way to go; nowadays, it is so open and so many ways to connect with parents - ads on TV. We live in a different time. Your mom may have had the BEST of intentions to handle it as she did. And, she wanted you. Through Ancestry (or another company?), you may be able to find your blood relatives. (My friend just did-and visited her father's family a week ago.) While a different situation from yours, she is elated to have a blood family on her Dad's side - that she never realized she had.

* This 'could' be an opportunity to find out more and open your heart and life to an entire new group of family members. Gena.

My friend, I am not qualified to give you an answer.I can only TRY to put myself in your shoes.
OK....If my parents, with all their imperfections and flaws, loved me and raised my brother and me as their own, I would definitely always love them and treat them and talk about them as if they are my own parents...because they were except the biological part.
However, I would want to know who my real mother or parents were.Good or bad.But it definitely would not effect my love and appreciation for my Mom and Dad. However, I think they probably should have told you either right after you got through those difficult teenage years or way earlier with the help of a counselor, Pastor or Priest.But they didn't. And that's that.So now you have the opportunity, if you like,to find out about your biological bloodline..but personally, I'd wait awhile until the grieving process is over.Sincerely, with love & care...YAH (yongatheart)

I have no advice, just a stranger coincidence. I had a dream last night that a friend of mine who passed away last year at age 43 (heart defect that no one knew he was born with) told me in my dream he was adopted. Him and his brother look nothing like their parents or older sister. His sister has even adopted 2 children. I never once noticed they didn't resemble each other until after my dream last night.
His brother is actually my best friend and I was thinking of telling him about my dream- but after reading your story, I will keep my mouth shut. He just might be adopted, and I certainly have no right to make him wonder about it. So maybe your story answered MY dilemma. Thank you for sharing, and just think how much better your parents made your lives. The difficulty you went through as they became elderly were not in vain. Hopefully your struggles have made you stronger and wiser. Honor their memory by thinking of the good times you had together.

Not sure exactly how to say this but I think people might be surprised at the secrets that get carried through the generations. Some you may never find out. Some you find out years late. Whatever the motivation, I don't believe bloodlines matter all that much. If you feel you were loved and cared for, they were your parents. Still, I am sure it complicates your grieving process. Hopefully, you and your brother can share feelings about it.

I'm sorry for your lost☹️. I think you were meant to fine these papers. I'm a Mom and love my children wholeheartedly. Sometimes, while trying to protect our children we make mistakes. Maybe they meant to tell you, but then decided maybe a later time would be better, don't play that guessing game, remember the love and happy times you shared. I think it takes a special person to adopt or take on someone else's child, you see they choose you to love without knowing anything about your birth family history. That speaks volumes to me.
You see I wanted 5 kids, had a hard time just having the 2, but very thankful for them everyday. I wanted to adopt, but my husband didn't, so I didn't push it. Because if he couldn't love someone else child, I was afraid that child may sense that and that wouldn't have been fair to that child.
I told you this, hoping it helped you a little. I hope it has. Now rest, there is many steps in the greving process and you just gotten a bombshell. God bless you.💕

Meant to add--you might try analyzing your DNA and seeing if 23andme or Ancestry.com has any close relationship matches. That is, if you are interested in finding out who your parents might have been.

WOW! I am so sorry to hear that. I love Long Lost Family, and am always appalled when people find out they were adopted in ways like this.
Sending HUGS!

My late husband's son married a divorced woman with a 6 month old baby girl who is now 32 years old. They never told her that my stepson was not her father, and in fact they even had the girl's birth certificate changed to state he WAS her father. I was amazed that they could do that, I assume he had to lie.....and they are very strict Evangelicals! The birth father, an attorney, had to sign something that he would never try to contact the girl, and I assume he never has. She has gone on to get a PhD in philosophy, married another PhD in philosophy, but has no children. After my husband's death, his family cut me out of their lives, and although I am sad about that, I guess I did the same thing to my stepfather's family after my mother died. I suspect there a lot of people in the world whose father (or mother) is not who they think!