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My mother is 90 and still lives in her home, with my unemployed adult brother living with her. Without going into too many details, I'll just say that for financial reasons my brother has been trying to keep her at home for as long as possible. She's had a few stints in a rehab after being hospitalized for illnesses (pneumonia) and they've been nice places, with good food and activities and even visiting entertainers. Each time I've gently suggested that she might be able to stay there one day, but she would start crying and getting upset, saying she has her own home and doesn't EVER want to go in a NH. I think she remembers the awful places my grandmother and great-grandmother were in the 1960s and 70s. She is a very stubborn woman and I've been dreading this NH issue for many years. It certainly hasn't helped having my brother side with her - it's been two against one. I am her DPOA, but do not have a medical POA; stupid, I know.

It's been a rough road the past few years and both my mother and brother, for their own personal reasons, have fought her going in a NH. It's now becoming apparent that we're nearing the end of the road for her staying at home and she will need to go in a NH soon. She is on a cocktail of meds that are keeping her fairly healthy for her age, but she has mild to middling dementia and worsening arthritis in her knees. There was an awful flareup of pain last week and an ambulance took her to the ER. They were unable to do much else but give her a painkiller injection and a lidocaine shot, along with a cortisone shot which didn't work. We didn't think she'd be able to get around the house too well when she got home (get on and off the toilet, etc) so we pretty much begged her doc to admit her, which he refused to do for an arthritic knee. We brought her home (with difficulty, after that painkiller), and she's been in pain but stable ever since. We have an appt with an orthopedic this week.

The helplessness we felt that night in the ER when told they us they wouldn't admit her was just awful. It was really obvious my brother wouldn't be able to handle taking care of her and I work and have my own family to care for. I asked to speak to a social worker about moving her to a NH that very night but was told since it was a Sunday night, there weren't any available. I think that night, coupled with my mother's increasing hygiene problems and dementia, has shown my brother that our mother can no longer live at home. I spoke to an elder lawyer a while back and the house will probably be transferred to my brother, as a "caretaker child". From that moment on, he'll own the house and be responsible for all the bills, which is the reason he's been fighting putting my mother in a NH for so long. Hiring an in-home caretaker is out of the question due to the cluttered condition of the home and other problems which I won't go into. We now have a home health aide coming in twice a week to bathe my mother and, while I'm thrilled that she's finally getting clean, it's been causing it's own kind of problems having someone come into the house.

I always thought my mother would move into a NH after another stint in the hospital and then rehab. I had hoped that it would be a natural progression. But it's obvious to me now that she'll probably need to go in one not due to illness but because of my and my brother's inability to care for her ourselves. My question to the message board is: how do I get her into a NH directly from her home? I can't imagine just loading her up into my car and driving her there; she would most likely throw herself out of the car. Is there a procedure? (I've already picked the NH). Also, does anyone have any advice on what we should do if (more like when) we're back in the ER with our mother and they won't admit her and there's no way she should be going home that night because we can't care for her? We're in NJ, by the way.

Thank you in advance for any advice or stories about your own experiences when moving a parent to NH directly from their home and how you got through it. I really appreciate your support.

Thank you,

Sue

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Just be grateful you don't work for the NHS, love.

Actually I do sympathise. But what you, in return, need to recognise is that the dumping granny at the ER strategy is the last resort, often after years of her being turned away from other options because she's being looked after at home. Then her husband dies, or her child dies, or the caregiver breaks down in some other way...

Plus, you talk blithely about the children's having had years to plan their elders' care. HA! See if you can count the number of people on this very forum whose elders turn purple if anyone so much as breathes the word "plan." The children are not responsible for planning their care. The elders themselves are. They're the ones who've had the most advance notice and the authority to act. Why aren't you blaming them?

You see a similar dumping phenomenon with rescue animals, too. Most times the owners who abandon them are just callous irresponsible bastards. But sometimes there's going to be a heartbroken, grieving family in the background, whose circumstances mean they can't any longer take care of their beloved companion animal. Not don't want to, note. Can't.
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I am an ER doctor. It never ceases to amaze me at the number of people who bring their family member(s) to the ER expecting us to care for them when “I can’t take care of them anymore.” Have you made ANY preparations for their long-term care? No? Then how do you expect me to magically produce an available nursing home bed at 11 pm on a Saturday night? You have known that you probably cannot care for your family member FOREVER. You have probably had months or years to make preparations. Have You? Have you visited and filled out applications to ANY long-term care facilities? Have you evaluated the costs of long-term care and looked at any of the finances available to your family member? And I often hear “you need to put mother in the hospital for three days so that she can go to a nursing home.” More and more cost restrictions are being placed on the medical system (Me) in this specific area. Do you understand that Medicare and Medicaid and most private insurances will not pay for a three-day hospital stay just because “I can’t take care of them anymore”, “she is falling all the time”, “she won’t take a bath or shower”, “he won’t eat”, “I have a job and can’t be there all the time”? I am happy to evaluate your family member for an EMERGENT medical need that MAY require hospitalization. But don’t curse me when I tell you that you will have to take your family member home because they do not meet admission criteria. Hospitals are not hotels. We cannot just check someone into a room and wait for a nursing home bed to become available. The hospital does not have a magic bank account that will pay for all of these services. You may be PERSONALLY financially responsible for these things. Take the advice of many of these posts. Prepare NOW for when these services will be needed by your family member. Cursing me, threatening me and writing letters to the hospital administrator will not help you or your family member.
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As P.O.A am I responsible for my mothers , who is in a nursing home rentsl properties?
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Hi Sue

I have elderly parents myself so I do see the dilemma. I get that you are worried about your mom safety and health. What I. Learned is that a NH is scary because it is the end of the line and they know it. It seems to me you have planned out everything for mom and did not ask her for input. While your intention is for the best you are taking away her rights as a person and what dignity she has left. My advice is to get with a social worker and you mom together and talk about these issues. You have a lot of options like home health and even adult daycare. Give her some choice where she wants to live. Just remember one day you too will be old.. Is this how you want to be treated?
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My mom has dementia and she broke her right hip and her right wrist. She is in a rehab center right now and will transition into an assisted living facility when she is discharged. I know what you are doing through because it is a very hard decision to make. I know that your mom will get the best care possible. I have worked in a nursing home and they did give good care to their residents.
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I moved my husband out of assisted living into skill nursing with doctors approval and the assisted living want give me my deposit back. Can they do that?
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After my mother shattered her hip in her home (she lived by herself), she ended up in a rehab and the plan was for her to go back home again. (I knew how adamant she was about never going into a nursing home. She used to say "shoot me first"). Her rehab stay turned into living in a nursing home for the last 2 1/2 years of her life. Even though I worked full time, had young kids, and was married I saw her every day. I'm an only child so it was all on me, and there were many days when I'd leave the nursing home, I'd cry on my drive home. Mom is gone now. I'm sooo sorry that she ended up in a nursing home, but those were the cards that we were both dealt.
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My mother has been suffering from Alzheimers for many years. She is on Aracept and has had a very slow progression rate. Things were fine until my father died 5 years ago. She continued to live in her own home until a few months ago. During that time, my mother got progressively worse with her hygiene. She had not washed her hair in 2 1/2 years, nor would she cut it. It was long, straggly and filthy. She also was not bathing. Her tub always was covered with dust. She also wore all the same clothes for a month or more at a time. She smelled musty all the time, The house was dirty and cluttered. Whenever I tried to clean or get rid of some old junk, she would start to scream at me that it wasn't dirty and I was just too fussy. She forgot how to use the stove and later the microwave. Her arthritic knees were getting worse and worse and she was struggling to get up the stairs to her bedroom. She also has arthritis in her wrists, so it is hard for her to get out of a chair. -- But she still wanted to live alone. She had a minor stroke 3 years ago which we found out was caused by a-fib. By brother found her on the floor of her bedroom one morning when he went to check on her. She went to the hospital and then to rehab in a nursing home. She hated it there and kept saying she wanted to go home. After two weeks we brought her back. We hired a part-time caregiver to stay overnight with her, give her meds, breakfast and prepare lunch before she left at 10:30 each morning. My mother hated having someone in her house. She would tell her to leave and say she didn't need her. He aide was not able to get her to bathe or wash her hair. My mother would not even permit her upstairs in the house, so basically we were paying some $830 a week (for 4 nights) to sit in the living room, watch TV and sleep. My mother never even knew she was there all night. My mother had another admission to the hospital about a year ago. My brother, who lives next door to her, checks on her several times a day and brings her meals, was there in the evening. He watched her walk up the stairs to bed to make sure she was OK. When she got to the top of the stairs she lay down -- half on the landing and with her legs hanging down the stairs. She said she was too tired to go any further. He could not get her up from that position, so had to call his wife to help. They had to call an emergency squad who took her to the hospital. She had severe hydration because she won't drink enough even though my brother keeps glasses of water all over the house for her, and she will not leave the air conditioner on in her bedroom overnight because she says it is too loud. In May, she went into cardiac arrest 2 times and ended up in a nursing home for rehab. The aides, PT and nurses are wonderful and caring. They have been able to bathe her, wash, cut and curl her hair, have her wear clean clothes every day, give her nutritious meals and snacks and provide entertainment and interaction with others. My mother is still there after 3 months. Therapy is over, but she will stay there as we feel that is where she will get the best care and be safe. She wants to come home and is still waiting form my dead father to come and visit her or take her home, but it is the family that must make the final decision, not the person with advanced Alzheimers.
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She is not always in her right mind. She drifts away at times but some of the times she seems ok. Depends on what is going on...now that I understand what a poa does, I will talk to APS and see about getting someone different to advise me. Thank you..my sisters and I will continue to disagree but until they have walked in my shoes and have seen what I have seen and had to put up with, I will do what I feel is right for mom.
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You might also call you local Area Agency on Aging. They can do a needs assessment. Make that you are there so that they understand what mom can do and what she can't.
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Gee, if i were in your shoes, I'd call APS myself. Tell them that you have PoA and see that mom needs a higher level of care but won't accept it. Ask them what you should do. Follow their advice.

You are not you mom's guardian. Being poa means doing what the grantor wishes. But if doing that is not in their best interests, then you need to get someone else involved.

If mom is still competent, you might tell her to appoint one of your sisters poa, since they clearly know so much better...
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My mother is 94. We live in Texas. MY husband and I live one block away. I have five living siblings. We are split on how to care for mom. She lives alone. She cannot care entirely for herself. She falls because she refuses to use her walker or cane. She drops her pills and thinks she took them. She has bladder and digestive issues but refuses to wear depends. She has a closet full of them. She can dress herself but bathing is a big issue. She lives in an old house with only a bathtub, which she trips getting into.she has a life alert and will not push the button for fear of never returning to her home. Neighbors have seen her fall and helped her back into the house. Then she calls me but only if there is no blood and she looks ok. She knows I will call 911 and take her in...
I have had her convinced to go into a very exceptional assisted nursing home, twice but each time, the day arrives and she refuses and there is no going. MY brothers are on my side but my two sisters, who see mom once every two weeks for 15 min convince her ,that she would hate it there and she doesn't have to go...so she doesn't go and I am left to check on her 3-4 times a day. make sure the doors are locked and closed every night,make sure she hasn't fallen and laid there for hours, plus I work full time. I have POA medically and financial, so I take care of everything. No one else helps at all except to butt in and make things so that she thinks I am the bad one and am spending all her money, etc. she screams at me and tells me not to blame my little sister, etc....
She needs help and I can not force her to leave her house. My husband and I lived with her for 15 long years, we finally had enough and bought a house near by, hoping that eventually I could get her to go into an assisted home..NO LUCK...
She does not need to be living alone, I can not continue to do this. I was told if she falls and gets hurt that I would be responsible and investigated by APS,,,what can I do?
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I have experienced the same. I'm living with my mom for three years now and she has dementia.
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My mom has a house in which she still owes 90,000. Doctor says she needs a nurse there 7 days a week to give her meds to her. We have VNA in 5 days a week and two days a nurse comes in that's all they allow. I have been financially helping my mom for 10 years since my dad passed and had no mortgage insurance. Her SSI is all she has and that goes to the mortgage and her house bills. I pay for her food meds and personal needs. I can't do this anymore and have now started to short the mortgage because my own bills are not getting paid. I have all the receipts for what I have spent. Most recently meds and food were $500.00, This is not ok. I can't seem to find a Nursing home with availibility. Do I have to sell the house on my own? The VNA Social Worker along with the doctors Social Worker have only given me names of Nursing Homes and numbers but that's it. How do I actually get her into a Nursing Home, do I just take her out of her house and bring her to a facility that has an opening? Her house is only paid by her SSI check, no one is willing to try to take the house over so what do I do. Mom knows now that she can't care for herself in anyway and wants to go to live elsewhere.

Thanks for any input!
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Hello "Dam1972 Give a Hug Oct 9, 2015",

I really hope by now you've had your mother checked out for some form of dementia or early onset alzheimer. It is not "love" to have her around your wife and daughters. Try to manage the finance another way and safe your girls. Get her to a nursing home. I'm in Canada so I am not familiar with what is involved in the US.

Good Luck.
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Can a family member who is the caregiver and manages all of the affairs of the parent be paid a monthly payment for care
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This needs to be reported to her doctor immediately as a drastic change in mental status; she needs to be checked out for a uti, which can cause sudden behavioral changes without other symptoms.

Did you not have the opportunity to have her sent to the ER for further investigation of what caused this? (NH admission is always easiest from a hospital setting, something to remember ). Her doctor should be consulted about the process for admission to a NH; it usually needs to be ordered by a doctor .
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Today my motherinlaw who's 82 lost it . After living moving in buying a home together a month a go she has become so Agri violent even.. Snapped and started slapping punching etc my wife and daughters over colour of shade cloth believe it or not.. I'm now worried as I have 4 girls very upset over the ordeal and don't know when the next episode will start... We were told by the police who attended that it may be nursing home time,... What do we do?
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Oh and Sunny...whose post were you reading. I never said that a doctor told me she didn't need a nursing home. Also how do you even know I have a brother as that wasn't in the post either.? Were you a bit confused sunshine
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Hey Sunny thanks for your judgement, uh,I mean advice. Really? I understand there are good and bad nursing homes. Your comments were a bit judgemental. You have no idea what I tried and what I've been through with my mom but did you ask before giving your opinion that I rushed to this decision. So update.. my mother is in a nursing home close to me. I see her 3 someone's 4 times a week. She gets her needs on time.She has but fallen once. She it's socializing which she wasn't doing at home, bingo, crafting. I go to every one of her care conferences and have a good relationship with all off the staff. My mom has found that she has things to contribute. Im sure she would like to come home but we went through many options before deciding on this and she even said to me the other day that she agrees that she it's better physically and probably emotionally than she was. When I posted that I was at the end of two years of "options" I generally don't respond to ignorant posts of opinions that are "rushed into" however I thought maybe someone else might see my response and know that one person's experience it's not always going to be another person's.And their will be people in these sites that offer judgement instead of advice and probably do so it off their own frustration and guilt. I on the other hand have no guilt about it.. maybe you can make someone else in here feel guilty.. Have good day
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I didn't see the date on that post....too late for advice now.
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I've had experiences with nursing homes in the recent past and I have not seen one that is not understaffed with resulting major issues. It was not good for my loved one on multiple occasions and we had to post family round the clock just to keep him medically safe. I would urge you to research the difference between the quality of care advertised and what really occurs. It is heartbreaking. Perhaps you can clean up your mom's living environment for her...involve your brother if possible. Home health care was very good to our ill family members. They were always respectful and remembered dignity as well as quality of life . No offense, but you seemed to have made up your mind a very long time ago...perhaps even a little premature, about your mom's need for a nursing home...even to the point of pushing it. A doctor told you that it wasn't necessary for what was wrong with her....and if she truly needed it, his responsibility is to order it and he knows that....maybe you should slow down and consider "at home" options which may allow your mom her happiness as well as safety and quality of life. I know for a fact that their happiness plays a vital part in their lifespan.
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I'm so distraught over my 44 yr old son being in a bad nursing home that I can't even talk about it right now. My head is crushing in on me.
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My mother has advanced parkinsons disease and she just went through cancer and surgery for the 2nd time. She has trouble with balance and has fallen 3 times in the last 3 days. She is resisting going into a NH and the person that lives with her and takes her to her drs appts and such is a kidney transpland diabetic that can barely get around. He will not admit he can no longer care for her and I can not as I work 50 hrs a week and have no one and am a diabetic myself. I dont even know where to start. Ive talked to her about it and she says shell go if I want her to. Then the idiot guy that lives with her makes her scared to go because he doesnt want her to go (h*ll lose the bit of money he gets from her) I worry to the point of sickness when im not with her and then i am exhausted to the point of sickness when i am. The idot an i got into another very heated fight just last night over this and my mother takes his side. I have to get out of there and make sure she is safe.
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I realize this is a old (2yrs ago) Q&A but it was good read since I'm in the same situation even down to the free loading brother, but I've learned so far that assisted living is paid out of pocket and nursing homes (I think I'm not sure) are covered or can be covered by Medicare?
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Are there any post that are more recent , recent as 2014???
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How do you get a loved one that's in another state in a NH to the state they have family members in and wants to come home to where he grew up?
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what is medically qualified list for skilled nursing facility?
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kazzaa - who is sue?

Above the input box to answer a question and right below the words "Answer this Question", the AgingCare folks have written, "Please stay on topic or ask a new question".

You WERE on topic however this thread started in 2011 and pretty much concluded in 2012 except for some extraneous Q&A that tripled in after that. I believe DogGrrrl's mom has passed on because I saw a follow up question from her about how to file taxes for a deceased person.

Your post was long and descriptive but it's probably not going to get much attention under someone else's gold heading. Lt's got some very good information in it and it would be too bad for it to get lost. Why don't you repost it as a new question or a new discussion under a new heading of your own.
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Hi Sue,

I totally understand what you are going through and I am going to have to push for my mum to go into a home.

I live here with her but want to move on I cannot handle her abuse etc.. but apart from her illness I dont want to live in this area and need to move and have some sort of a life?
My mums house is a pigstye and she cannot see it! I am drained from her hygiene and clutter issues and like you have a problem with getting cleaners as they do not understand and lets be honest they do not want to come back??
I do everything have a USELESS brother down the road who comes up and does the lawn has a quick cup of tea with mum then leaves.

My dr has told me to find a solution or walk away the stress of all this has made me ill with chronic back pain. I know myself that either she goes into a home or I will have to leave and let my family sort it out as the stress of worrying about her is just too much and making me ill.
If your brother cannot take care of her I dont think you have any choice like us my family live abroad and they have NO IDEA what the stress is like.

You are doing the right thing as I know I will have to look at nusing homes soon but like most parents on here my mum is so stubborn and will refuse to go to a NH and this is what I have nightmares about that she may be forced against her will for her own safety??
Nobody wants to put thier loved one in a home but sometimes their safety takes over all emotions and its usually the best for everyone. My mum is going into respite next week for the first time and i know this will be very hard for me I just pray she has a great time as this would be the home I would choose for her permanently as my friends mum went here and was very well looked after with Alsz.
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